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The Count and his Men are a progressive folk glam rock band from the south east of England, who were formed when they realised the music of the day and age needed something sweeping, something to 'blow everyone away'. The band consists of Rob Paterson on vocals and rhythm guitar, Count Nicholaus Watson hitting his sticks on drums, Nathan Page on the coconutd and backing vocals and Leonardo Mace on lead guitar. Michael Burton later joined on bass. It is also rumoured Garald S Kirk is the current manager of the band and is also responsible for all music videos and pretty much everything. He also has all the money, unsurprisingly.

Early Days

The band had meager beginnings, they would meet and play their music, but only they saw the true genius of their work. Early demos included 'Too Sexy to Die' and 'Two Stops to Pleasure', with the band focusing their album around of the concept of 'paypal', nobody was quite sure what that meant though. However everything changed when Garald's mother won a record contract on the radio and they were promptly signed up to IMP Records. In a week they had already recorded their debut EP entitled 'Mole, Mole, Mole (How'd you like it?)' and contained the epic yet sorrowful ballad 'Burkett and Bertie', written by a now alcoholic Nathan Page, who got rather distressed over an incident involving Bertie, his history teacher, a projector and the whole class.

The Chiselled Jaw of Fate

After months of writing, preparing, Ogaming, touring (including notorious riots at Preflamp I, II & III) the band began recording their eagerly awaited debut album. During numerous interviews Robert and Leonardo described the album, they stated 'if you mixed Billy Corgan, Claudio Sanchez, Ian Pay, Mr Crozier, Gary Numan, Robert Smith, Matt Bellamy, sugar, spice and all things really nice in a pot and boiled it for about 20 mins and gave it a stir, you wouldn't need our album... but it's alright cause nobody can do that'.

The album The Chiselled Jaw of Fate was released promptly, with a picture of Nicholaus's pristine jaw line as the album cover.

The album sales soared, although many place this down to the album cover and not the music, but still it was enough to get them to number 1. However this caused friction in the band when Nicholaus was approached by Gillette for a career in modelling shavers. After many arguments, stints of ignoring one another, rants, shoutings of the word 'twat' and other occurances, Nicholaus decided he'd do a one off advert and stick with the band. There was overwhelming joy and much celebration within the group. So during touring for the album time was made for Nicholaus to film 'Gillette, the best a Count can get...'.

The band played all the big venues from Hyde Park to Mr Crozier's car, always attaining sell out crowds. It appeared people now like the music as well as Nicholaus' dashing good looks. Nathan Page said in Q: 'the fame you know, it all came at once, I've never been so popular and underwear, so much underwear.. girl's that is *giggles*'. However asked if he was happy he gave the reporter a blunt look before picking up his chair and throwing it across the room, storming out the exit.

Recent Works

The album Pirate Bitch! was a different direction. "We wanted to sing about our passion of the seven seas," said Rob Paterson, "And our passions upon them, so this seemed a logical and sexy step." The piratey themed songs won it a "Swashbuckling Good!" Award from the Royal Society of Pirates, who made the band honorary members.

The band released a double conept album Debauchery In New York City said to have portions 'as epic as Nathan Page'. It discussed and confronted issues such as Eddie Segoura, and Billy Yost.

Michael Burton joined the band, lending them his owlish physique. The latest planned album, Picnic on the Frozen Tundra, is said to be "a masterpiece that I wish to make love to!"

They headlined Glastonbury, but there was an incident, however this has just increased the hype for the upcoming album.

Leonardo and Rob decided their love for Nathan and Count Nicholaus was so great they wrote special songs for each, displaying their love in lewd and sentimental form.

EPs

Mole Mole Mole (How'd You Like It?) the initial EP.

Pirate Bitch! a small collection of sexual sea shantys.

LPs

The Chiselled Jaw of Fate the debut piece.

Debauchery In New York City the upcoming double concept album.

Picnic on the Frozen Tundra a psychedelic frenzy in the making.

Other Material

A Brief(Case) Ode a commemoration of Garald S Kirk.

Natty Pogle, King of our Lions a tribute to Nathan Page.

Nicky Noo, Queen of our Tigers a dedication to Count Nicholaus Watson

Wankery and the Seven Seas, the sexy B-side once titled We're Sorcerers and are Gonna Cast a Spell of Love Unto Your Sweet Bosom.

Feelin' Horny a song for Pervy Page.

What Is It? an early recording.

The Adventures Of Explorer Henry McThrapplewapper The 49th another early track.

Hark! The imposing rule of Garald S Kirk is over! Never again shall we be blocked from our beautiful wiki! This one is totally piratey and just bitchin'! Take that you motherlickin' snitch!

Captain Roberto Paterson and Lord Leonardo Mace have transferred all the articles we deemed important from the ancient Amusement wiki and have integrated them here. The beauty of a wiki is that it is easy to do and only took an hour or two to do everything. This wiki is now nearly as sexy as Ian Pay!

So Welcome! If you're a visitor, which I doubt cause we don't get any, but regardless, feel free to read the treasures beyond.