Garald S Kirk
From Pirate Bitch
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| Kirk at the Nuremberg Trials | |
| Date of Birth: | September 22nd 1988 |
| Place of Birth: | Stardust City |
| Occupation | Manager of The Count And His Men, Film Director |
| Gratuitous Nudity? | "Yes Please!" |
Garald S Kirk is a famous British film director. He has also directed televisual series such as Warning: May Contain Nuts and the documentary Jamie Tuffield: Man Of Mystery for which he won two Golden Globe Awards and a slice of rather tasty cake from the British Academy of Film and Cake.
Many people have wondered where Garald gets the money to make his films and televisual programmes. In a recent interview he revealed entrepeuner Leonardo Mace has been bankrolling many of his films over the past few years. This had been rumoured before, as products sold in Mace's shop chain have often been used in a rather sexual and disturbing manner in Garald's work. Some claimed this was unfair, but these people were mysteriously killed one day.
Garald S Kirk is also the band manager of acidic folk band The Count And His Men, and has starred in several of their videos, occasionally in a family friendly position.
For pictures of Garald in the shower, see his debut film, Me In The Shower. For a complete list of Kirk's works, see Garald S Kirk's Films.
Before he was allowed a computerised device, and had access to the internet, Kirk remembers little of his life. In a reminiscent mood, he might tell you about how his parents used to keep him in a cage, and details of the time someone shat in his bath. He would stay in his room for hours on end, alone, possibly reading although sometimes even that was deemed too exciting by his parents.
Gary's life changed for good however, when he encountered the internet for the first time. It was like a sexual awakening but with no sex involved. He realised that a world of information and more importantly, random girls were at his fingertips. Between this time and now, he has been on the internet, except a slight pause when he bought his infamous briefcase.
He has also seen Scissor Sisters, Elton John and Duran Duran in concert. "They were so light on their feet they floated!" he giggled.
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Love Affairs
In the small world outside his computering activites, Kirk is notorious for being quite "popular" with members of the opposite sex. Using the tools at his disposal (including a Mobile Phone, PDA, Wikipedia and MSN Messenger) he has attempted to 'Woo' many a Sexy-Lady and take them back to his Castle of Love in the hopes they appreciate the way he calls and texts and emails them non-stop all the time. However, under this seemingly stalker-like persona lies a man who is just longing for understanding in this world and has an unmatched gift for sneaking up on and scaring the hell out of people.
Angela Beesley - "Oh Gary" giggled Angela as she walked around her desk in front of the timid looking boy holding his briefcase tightly. Gary felt his throat tighten up, it was almost like he couldn't breathe. "As I was saying, the wiki code on urm... Holcombe Manor.. how could i *gulp* improve it?" he mumbled, but his eyes were not on his pda but rather upon her sumptuous bosom.
He was arrested in January 2006 for indecent exposure, after a frail old lady alleged he "waved it in her face". In fact, an unfortunate event involving a bumblebee in his underwear had lead him to remove his clothes in an attempt to release the insect. He was remanded in custody for two days.
Death
It was reported in early 2006 that Garald had disappeared, his PDA and Mobile Phone were found to be unused for seven days. He was assumed dead, for this was behaviour so unexpected, and it was impossible he may have otherwise lost them so carelessly, they being his only friends. However it turns out that he had just gone to Ireland, where Michael Burton left his Harry Potter book on a bookshelf and didn't tell him - Laugh Out Fucking Loud.
Quotes by Garald
"Pow!" (Pulls Hand from pocket/trousers and pretends to shoot at people)
"Why won't she text back?"
"Is Lisa online?"
"Michael Burton, tell them who shat in my bath!"
"I want sex, it's not fair, I need a girl to shag..."
"I prefer really hairy girls, you know?"
"I want sex on a bench"
"My friend's dad looks like action man!"
(Pleasant) Quotes About Gary
"I dont really know him - all he does is sends me lots of emoticons."
"Annoying."
"Very shy but sweet really." (Gary slips her £20) "Lovin' the briefcase though... haha!"
"Garald is a rather eccentric old fool, much like Harold Bishop from neighbours."
NTheGreat says: "I like to think of gary as an old foreign cartoon. He makes no sense, but it's fun to watch sometimes."
