Glastonbury Incident

From Pirate Bitch

The Count And His Men's headlining of the Glastonbury Festival was in actuality one big incident made up of many smaller ones. During a raunchy set, they caused what Christian "Melvyn" Hometree referred to as "A bit of a kerfuffle!".

"It was the biggest gig we'd ever get," lamented Leonardo Mace, "But I wouldn't say we cocked it up." "Album sales increased!" giggled band manager Garald S Kirk. "My fucking head..." moaned Rob Paterson loudly.

In a spectacular entrance, the band came on stage with twelve skimpily dressed dancers, firing into their hit Too Sexy To Die. "We were literally on fire!" said Garald. After removing their flaming clothing, the band proceeded to play Cubist Bitch, during which the band threw glow sticks to the crowd, and Two Stops To Pleasure, during which they threw the dancers.

Ian Pay was introduced on stage to play Pay As You Go, and What Is It?, before his hat was stolen and he stormed off, later commenting "It was undermining my serious nature." Without him the band played Bagpipe Music Part Two (It's Chritmastime!) after several men dressed as Santa lead by band manager Garald S Kirk, dressed as Jesus, marched onstage. "I look a pillock!" he commented.

The band then played Full to Starboard, and Give Me Some Port! invited people to come on stage, provided they threw off their clothes. This achieved a vast amount of people, so the band were swamped, and when the crowd cleared, Count Nicholaus Watson was nowhere to be seen. "We did what anyone would do," said Leonardo Mace, "And played Life vs Ogame!"

At this point, Rob Paterson made some kind of comment that infuriated Nathan Page. "Totally innocent!" he protested, "I was like 'Hey Chloétty baby, take me now!"

Page then tossed his bass at Paterson, knocking him out for nearly half an hour. Mace carried on jammin' until he awoke, and the twosome played Smash That Sanchez and an impromptu version of Mole Mole Mole, with the new lyrics, "Come back you fat beast!" and "Ian Pay is gay!". The two charged onstage, but were met with such an adorable Magic Faerie Man look, they stopped the hatin' and started the loving, playing Stumblin' (Under the Covers) until their time was up, upon which they returned for an encore of Sex on The Seven Seas (I Like Your Cutlass Long and Hard) and Tramp Coat Blues. They then played a cover of Prince's Purple Rain until escorted away.

In the morning, Count Nicholaus Watson turned up in the bed with Nathan. "Argh!" he commented.