Count Nicholaus Watson

From Pirate Bitch

Count Nicholaus Watson is a man who has been described as "rather angular". His head resembles a perfect cube.

He hosted the popular Channel 4 show "Nick Wats-On-Tv?", where he gave a summary of the weeks television to come. He hosted numerous exclusive interviews with porn star and funnyman Jamie Tuffield.

He also reduced infamous fatty Nathan Page into angered outbursts evry few minutes as part of a Garald S Kirk fly-on-the-wall documentary Angry because he's Fat, or Fat because he's Angry?. However, Nicholaus had a bust-up with Kirk, after Kirk refused to remove footage of Nicholaus in the shower from the final cut. The Count then refused to mention the documentary on his show, and alleged Garald S Kirk "Smelt funny".

Garald got his revenge in his 2005 docu-drama "Where Did All The Ducks Go?", where Count Nicholaus was disgraced as having been a member of the Bang Bang Duck Society. He admitted to enticing a duck with a dynamite sandwich. His contract with Channel 4 was cancelled and his role overtaken by Salestyn David. The show was renamed "Sexy Sally Says..." and was an instant success with gay men.

Count Nicholaus then built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Nicholaus met all three bullets with his cubish head, deflecting them. However, JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

The count is currently said to be hiding on some remote island plotting revenge on Salestyn David, the man who stole his career. The plan is said to involve chains and coconuts although the source of this information is very suspicious.

It is also rumoured that the Count is a raving homosexual, however he denys this claiming "Just because I spend my time with Elton John and numerous rent boys doesn't prove anything of the sort".

When Count Nicholaus isnt saving the world he can be found at Mansion d'la Count Nicholaus Watson with his lil sweetie birdie Fluffyschnucums.