Grue

From Uncyclopedia 2

You are about to be eaten by a Grue, I feel so sorry for you.

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A grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, speranah, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets,Bibi blocksberg and...well, Grues like eating a lot of things. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a grue is probably non-zero.

This is not important, but it is widely believed that all emeralds are grue, but in fact, all emeralds are bleen.

File:Domokunyellownbackground.jpg
This is, however. HOLY-CRAP-ON-A-STICK! RUN!!!!!

There are an estimated 470 grues left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being creatures of darkness that tend to eat anything they can get within range of, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer.

The game of Zork consists entirely of being repeatedly eaten by a grue.

Contents

Grue-Slaying

Grues cannot be killed with these things

File:Groo.PNG
It's a shame, nobody told the Stickfigures that Grues can't be killed with swords. Oh, well. Get these anorexics some lightsabers.

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Grues can be killed with these things

File:Kitten chased by grues.jpg
Grues have been known to kill (and huff) kittens.
  • Elmo God of all Grues, Samuel L. Jackson, Kratos, Uncyclopedia, Godzilla, Marilyn Manson. Spartans, Samus Aran, Paladins, and Jack Bauer. Oh, and don't forget Ness. Ness? He's the kid in Super Smash Bros. PK FLASH!!!
  • Light, except when the plot demands that they don't.
  • CFL light bulbs (they are more powerful than those shitty light bulbs in your room)
  • They can also be killed by Hadoukens, but that requires nine levels of Black Magery.
  • The Anti-comma, although it will not only destroy the grue, but asplode the hell out of anything within 5 miles, thus not being very useful.
  • The Grue can be killed with most things on the LOWTDEBS, although they don't actually exist and should thus be disregarded.
  • The Grue can also be killed with abominably bad grammar. If you is grue; stops read before now, you eye start frys.
  • Grues can be killed by the Anti-Grue and its brilliant schemes and use of sarcasm, but unless you can summon the Anti-Grue, you're still screwed...
  • Grues can also be killed by eurgs, but that destroys the entire universe in the process, so nobody's ever tried it. Plus, carrying an eurg around with you invariably results in the eurg eating you.
  • Extreme sarcasm (yeah, right(!)) (Note: this risks killing everyone else in the vicinity)
  • Chuck Norris can kill grues. No questions asked.
  • Ninja Chef eats grues for dinner, although whether or not he kills them first is unknown. Also, eating grues for dinner is not a known way of killing them (cf Oprah).
  • People with profound names like Muhammed Suicmez or Trajan Smeeth, because the grue doesn't know whether to eat them or the Windows Spellcheck.
  • Saguaros, However the Grue has to not notice the Saguaro, which is why they evolved their cactus form.
  • The Pony can kill Grues and protect its followers from Grues. All is good when you accept The Pony into your life.
  • Bruce lee can kill grues infact he dosent need to he just breathes on them
  • The legendary Jake can kill one grue but will be mortally wounded, he has to use the ultimate move
  • Shoop Da Whoop can kill grues. Be careful in the charge-up, 'cause Grues are Template:Cursewords fast, and small enough to be inhaled while charging (you think a normal Grue is bad enough? Try killing one that's absorbing your lazor).
  • George Formby has successfully killed Grues many times with his ukulele playing and toxic Woodbine smoke, But unless you can find George you're screwed.
  • Furries are capable of killing Grues (but only the Wolf and Fox anthros) but they may choose to watch you get vored.
  • Bruce Willis
  • Vodunius Nuccius
  • Maikie_G
  • The Borg, but unless the Grue is bothering or threatening them, they can't be arsed to do it.

Do not:

File:Apemen.jpg
Grue colonies will get increasingly irritated after a Monolith invades their territory.

Place a monolith in Grue-infested territory. The Monolith will go AAAAAAAAAA! and it will go AAAAAAAAA! some more, and eventually the Grue colony will be SO pissed that they will rampage. You think a grue is bad NOW, just wait 'till it goes on a killing spree. You will be SO fucked.


File:Toiletgrue.JPG
Seriously, watch yourself. They can live anywhere.
  • A method once tried for slaying a Grue is to attack it with your own Grue, but you should look at this table for the reasons why this is incredibly stupid.
Better-than-best-case scenario Both grues sponaniosly transform into wining lottery tickets and you become a multi-billionaire.
Best-case scenario Both of the Grues kill each other, which is damn near impossible.
Next-best-case scenario Your Grue kills the other one and eats you. You're dead, buuuut at least you kinda killed a grue.
Worse-case scenario The other Grue kills your Grue and eats you. You're dead, and your Grue got its butt kicked.
Worst-case scenario Both Grues realize they've been tricked, then they team up and eat you. You're dead, and you were betrayed by your own Grue.
Worse-than-worst-case scenario The grues decide that you make a better sex toy than a meal. Imagine that for the rest of your life!
File:Grue.jpg
This is how most Grues look in the half-second before they eat you.

Natural Habitat

File:Black.png
The natural habitat of Grues.



Grues can be found in all the dark places of the world, your mom's cookie jar, for example. They also have been found in your basement and under the bed of bad little children who don't brush their teeth or eat their vegetables. One characteristic of Grue dwellings is that all of them contain an equal quantity of priceless treasure. Nobody knows for certain why this is so. The prevailing theory is that the presence of the treasure provides the Grues with a near-constant supply of adventurers to devour. An alternative theory reverses this relationship: since adventurers often carry treasures with them, and Grues cannot digest treasure, any treasure found in a Grue dwelling is merely detritus from its many meals.


Grue Subspecies And Species

Apart from the common grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi ravenousi), there are many, less common types.

Russian Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi soviet)

“In Soviet Russia, Grue is likely to be eaten by YOU!!”

~ {{#ifexist:Russian Reversal|Russian Reversal|Russian Reversal}} {{#if:Grues|on Grues}}

The rare Russian Grue can be killed by almost anything, and is common prey for oxen, weeds, cow tongues, sand castles, and lawyers. When a Russian Grue reproduces with a regular Grue, it will create a kitten. The reason for this is unknown to modern science. But who really wants to study the reproductive aspects of Grues? Not me!

Spanish Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi el stupido)

In Spain there are many Crane Trucks, filled with Grues, called Gruas. This is a plot of the Spanish Grues to invade the world with Gruas. Because Grues are very unoriginal, they made up the name Gruas, just one letter difference from Grues.

French Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi le pansy surrenderi)

The French Grue is commonly known as Le Greu. They are most fond of pastries, and will go after them before going after a hobo sapien. Le Greu is most commonly seen chewing on a giant baguette, while wearing a white painter's cap, black and curly mustache, striped blue shirt, and holding a large white flag. Usually, Le Greu is very pale, white, and skinny. They easily succumb to modern sarcasm. In order to survive a Le Greu attack, one has to summon a Grue, an eurg, or a vague threat of invasion. However, one will be eaten by one or the other after they are done with their opponent. The French Grue Military has never won any wars against other grue tribes.

Chuckland Pulverizing Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi beatdown)

The Chuckland Pulverizing Grue (commonly known as simply the "Chuck's Grue") is a grue that only lives in the Bleen mines of Chuckland. Chuck's Grues have twice as much strength of a normal grue. These grues were the result of the Anti-Grue stealing Chuck Norris's semen and implanting it in a Eurg. However, this combination caused the Eurg to asplode and from it was born the Chuckland grue. The Chuckland grue, due to its heritage, is immune to bleen things and extreme sarcasm. It grows to 8 gajillion feet tall if it eats a Texas Whopper and can eat anything. Chuckland Pulverizing Grues enjoy eating French Grues with hot sauce, eating emos wrapped in bacon, and eating the works of Oscar Wilde. The Chuckland Pulverizing Grue's only weakness is Pirates, who use their godlike powers to barbecue Chuckland Grues with a mustardy marinade. Their war cry is "I WILL EET U 4 MAI BREKFEST."

Nazi Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi nationalsocialistus)

File:Domo-kun2.JPG
This is the Nazi Grue's army with their leader Grue Hitler and his characteristic moustache.
During WW-1 the Nazi Grues were trained by Adolf Hitlers SS. These Grues preferred using tanks, bombs, and biological weapons to kill, instead of just eating People - Jews (however, this does not mean they didn't eat people, ESP Jews). After the end of World War XI 1/2 the Nazi Grues mysteriously disappeared from Earth (It is believed that they ate each other to extinction or that Jewish people killed them). This species of Grue is also known to wear red suspenders.

Auld Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi mediaevalis)

File:Sir Grue.PNG
Se Grue doþ ned nan armour, for se Grue is impregnabel. Þus, se Ealden Grues ne am an life nu.

Old Grues, seen on the left, were chivalrous and swordwielding knights, who would (unlike today's Grues) offer mercy and be courteous as the victim was eaten, usually offering a quick and painless death as opposed to fiery fangs and searing pains ripping through the enemy's body. Old Grues liked to rescue damsels, but this became a problem when the Grue was unable to resist eating the damsel. This was very troublesome for Old Grues and damsels stopped calling for help, afraid they would be eaten by an Old Grue. Real knights errant were really pissed off that they couldn't find any damsels anymore, so they took advantage of the Old Grues' mercy and non-ruthlessness and killed them all.

Conditioned Grue( Gruesomicius ravenousi asiineedyourhelp)

The Conditioned Grue is a supspecies of Grue that is not prone to extreme sarcasm. Attempting to use extreme sarsasm will result in the sarcasm deflected back at you.

Ur-Grue (Gruesomicius superiori youhavediedii)

Scrawled in the margins of medieval bestiaries are descriptions of a single terrible and powerful grue spellcaster known as the Ur-Grue. It is said to be completely immune to all of the traditional Grue's weaknesses - it is constantly surrounded by magical darkness which nought but sunlight can penetrate, and most conventional weapons will either miss completely or cease to exist upon contact with its body. It is, however, partially vulnerable to extreme sarcasm. In addition to its fearsome natural armaments, the Ur-Grue is armed with a multitude of spells, such as cleesh (change foe to small amphibian), yozozzo (change foe into small duck), and onkik (unknown, possibly magic missile). The Ur-Grue is currently serving as the final boss of Zork, after usurping the position from the Grue King.

Proto-Grue (Archeogrueus Habilis)

File:Ani065.gif
Artist's impression of the Proto-Grue. Note the characteristic breeding plumes, longer horns, and more muscular limbs, all of which disappeared with evolution.

Recent evidence (unearthed in southern Africa) suggests the existence of a so-called "Proto-Grue". This grue seems to have lacked the creatures' characteristic maw, and also the desire (and ability) to eat Steve Ballmer (see quote). Thus, these are probably not grues at all; the idividual who unearthed them is just bat fuck insane.

Chinese Grues (Gruesnifficus inhaleus)

When sniff grue, head get reary right. Like all other asians, they also have small dicks.

Norse Grues (Gruecous Habillis)

Although not a separate species in and of itself, the Norse Grues inhabit a of Norway that they conquered during the kitten war. People were just too distracted (and/or weak) to stop them from doing so. They staunchly defended their territory, mercilessly slaughtering the Norsemen who came to reclaim their glorious homeland. Eventually, however, people stopped caring. Why? Because it 'wasn't their problem'. Anyone whose problem it was, of course, had previously been consumed.

Turkish Grues (Gruceous Turkas)

Those are the most dangerous Grues you'll ever see.They're not hiding under the rocks or in the shadows, they attack you in bright daylight.First they rape you, then they rape you again,again, again and finally when they feel hungry they eat you.This is the most painful death ever.(Unless you're getting killed by the hands of Jack Bauer)

Evidence shows that, when they're not killing they're looking like ordinary people.But, stinky breath, all that bad words, moustache and their sense of humor gives their identity.

Klingon Grues (Gruceous Klingonus)

These things attack Star Trek fans.

Romulan Grues (Gruceous Romulus)

These de-cloak, then eat Star Trek fans.

Shadow Grue (Shadowis Awesomeness)

Shadow grues are usually Found in the abyss and in caves in various places around the Earth. The apearance of shadow grues are highly unknown. They are most likely just shadow-black grues. Go figure.
File:Shadow grue.jpg
A Shadow Grue in its natural habitat.


Others

For a short time, speranah were considered to be a subspecies of grue, but the person who suggested this was soon beaten to death and everyone forgot about it.

Though not technically a subspecies,"grue" is also a type of paste used exclusively in Japan (popularly manufactured by "Ehrmers".)

How to Deal With a Grue

File:Grue crossing.jpg
The grue crossing signs proved an effective way to prepare drivers for an encounter.
  • Die.
    File:GrueZ.gif
    NOTE: Never try to fight the grue.
  • Scream and die.
  • Scream, struggle, and die.
  • Scream, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
  • Scream, run, and call for a Terminator.Thats the only thing Grues fear(along with Chuck Norris)
  • Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
  • Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
  • Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, listen to any emo song, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
  • Recite every line of Moby Dick in Italian. Grues love the Italian language, so it will subdue them for a while. This will extend your life about 8 hours, when you finish the book.
  • Sing one of Michael Bolton's classic songs. Grues hate Michael Bolton. Of course they will still eat you, but you can have the satisfaction of having irritated a grue.
  • Drink a glass of milk; 2.6% of grue are lactose intolerant, safe in the knowledge that the Grue will get diarrhea when it finally gets round to eating you, which is very quickly.
  • Use extreme sarcasm.
  • Build a sandcastle. It won't help at all, and you will be eaten, but it is a fun activity.
  • Run!
  • Cast Frotz. This only works for wizards, enchanters, and other magically-enabled people.
  • DON'T WANDER AROUND IN THE DARK, YOU MORON! Alternatively, light your torch.
  • It is a little known fact that Grues like hearing haikus. Therefore reciting a haiku to a grue will extend your life by 17 syllables.
  • Wrap a towel around your head. Although the grue will still eat you, it will make the postprandial cleanup easier. Plus, if you have telepathy you will be able to see the grue while it eats you.
  • Yell for your mom over and over again until you die.
  • Strip naked and perform an ancient Mayan rain dance, and pray that the rain distracts the grue.
  • Call for a republican, and die.
  • Continually masturbate. That's right. Day in, day out. It'll work, so long as there are kittens in the world.
  • Summon Chuck Norris. This is not a very effective method though, because Chuck Norris is likely to wait until you are eaten so that he will get a show, and a kill.
  • DON'T CREATE PAPER GRUES
    File:Createyourowngrue.jpg
    Don't print off and make it yourself!

One example of how to deal with Grues is shown here.

Some people recommend turning on the lights, as according to the legend this will cause the grue to 'melt away.' Clearly this course of action is futile and should not be undertaken by any means. For a start, it is logically impossible for a creature to 'melt away' on exposure to light; notwithstanding, the Great Ice Creature of Neptune. Furthermore, as shown by Darwin, only mutated Grues which can survive light will survive, and eventually only these mutant Grues will be left, thus leaving the human populace with no weaponry to take them down. It is how ever possible to kill a Grue with a Republican, as they usually carry guns and love hunting. A T.V. can cause a Grue to melt away as they are allergic to non-natural sounds.

File:014.jpg
Try throwing a small child to it, in a desperate attempt to escape.

It is recommended that you always keep a republican and a T.V. in your home to kill the Grues that you see on near your home. Sacrifice yourself to a Grue today so your children can melt them tomorrow!

Those who love Grues may use a non-lethal method, such as hosting a mock Japanese newscast on a beach. This will cause the Grue to dance uncontrollably. For correct procedure, see here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bqlhxsv7XNI

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Another alternative is to move to Russia. In Soviet Russia, YOU eat Grue! It should be noted, however, that the Russian Grue is a subspecies of the common Grue.

Famous Grue Movies

  • Planet of the Grues
  • Honey I Blew Up The Grue
  • Grues on a Plane
  • The Army of the Twelve Grues
  • Kingdom of Grues
  • Saving Sweet Grue
  • The Ultimate Grue Showdown
  • Grues vs Borgs-Resistance is NOT Futile
  • Grues Ate All The World
  • The Grues Brothers
  • Walking With Grues
  • The Grues of Hazard
  • The Land Before Grues
  • Igruebot(yup, NASA was stupid enough to make em, hence dooming us all)
  • Grues of the Caribbean
  • X-grues
  • Grues in Black
  • The Matrix Re-Grueified
  • The Batgrue
  • Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Grues
  • Lord of the Rings: The Grue Towers
  • Lord of the Rings: Return of the King(after being huffed by a grue)
  • Jurassic Grues
  • Close Encounters with Grues(everyone was pretty much screwed from the

beginning.)

  • The 40-Year-Old Grue
  • Star Wars: a Grue Hope
  • Star Wars: the Grue Strikes Back
  • Star Wars: Return of the Grues
  • 300 (Spartans who were eaten by a Grue)
  • Grue vs. Predator

GrUeS pWn YoU!

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Grue and other names

Some also know grues as "Domo-kun", due to parody site Wikipedia's Domo-kun article. The Japanese title "kun" shows little respect and is used to address someone inferior. Addressing or referring to a Grue using this name will cause an unusually painful death by Buttsecks.


Articles eaten by Grue

See Also

Footnotes

Template:Noteyes they can!Bullshit!you are SO wrongLiar!Poopy-head!You're the poopy-head, poopy-head!O RLY?YA RLY!NO WAI!YA WAI!SRSLY?YA!

Template:FAes:Domo-kun fi:Grue fr:Grue ja:グルー nl:Grue pt:Mafagafo zh-tw:兜踎君

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