Other Character Email Airstar Flyer/dead
From Umcom
{Airstar pulls up his E-mail.}
AIRSTAR: {singing} Stacy...oh, Stacy. You were my grampy's nurse and now you left me...even though we never were together...
How's it hanging?
If you had to call Airstar Flyer and ask him where he is, fans of the Airstar Emails would be very relieved.
Yours,
Same guy from emails 51 and 72
AIRSTAR:Woah! Blast from the past. That e-mail musta gotten stuck in a ZIP file or something. Yeah, I was rescued and stuff. It was really big, and there was a big scene and lots of stuff like that. So...yeah. If I did call myself however, I would be like, "Hey Airstar? Where's your girlfriend Stacy? Oh I don't know maybe she's with Schoolstar! AGHHHHH!!!" NEXT E-MAIL!
Hello!
I just flew all the way here from oralina, an over 4000 mile flight, to enter in a card tournament that was anounced 5 seaconds ago!
Hardhat Runner
AIRSTAR:...Oralina? What is that, place? It sounds like you just made that up in an improv class or something.
{Cut to Airstar in an improv class taught by Bubs, who is wearing a brown blazer. Homestar, Pom-Pom, Wyatt Cenac, Hardhat Runner and others are there.}
BUBS:Okay, for this next scene, let's have...Airstar and...Zachery. Okay, Airstar, you just got back from vacation, and Zachery, you're a salesman trying to convince him to enter in a competition.
AIRSTAR:Okay.
BUBS:Go!
AIRSTAR:{Pretending to walk off an airplane} Doo dee dum...
HARDHAT RUNNER:Hello, there broken robot. Can I pour you a drink after your long vacation in, Oralina. {Pretends to poor drink.}
AIRSTAR:That drink is poisoned. I know it. Oralina poison drink can-
BUBS:STOP! CUT! Okay, this time I want more acting, how about I write you guys a script?
AIRSTAR:That completely defeats the point of improv.
{Cut back to Airstar at computer.}
AIRSTAR: Look, I don't want any part in 11-year old jackcrap about the bamboozlement of culture racked by the foriegn artists of Japan and Japan's kinky sister South Korea. Those types of cards make me want to vomit out of holes I didn't even think I had. No, what card competition I want to have is one with the style and class of drunk co-workers betting their girlfriends and random things surrounding them in smoke-filled basements. Poker! If this "card competition" that was announced five "seaconds ago" is poker, then count me in!
{Cut to Darknight at a poker table with Strong Bad and Bubs at the table.}
DARKNIGHT:Oh, this jackcrap is sick! Finally Airstar and I are going to face off after he escaped from my grasp two years ago. This is the last time he will ever not die in my hands.
{Cut to Schoolstar in a shirt and tie at his desk at LMU Software. There is a picture of Airstar, The Chuck and Strong Sad on his desk.}
SCHOOLSTAR: Man, these e-mails are hilarious! I love that i'm finally a part of something here!
{The camera rises, as if the cameraman is getting up, and walks to the other side of the computer screen to see that the computer is off.}
SCHOOLSTAR:Hey! {Pushes the camera away} Hey! Don't look at my e-mails.
CAMERAMAN:There's nothing there. The computer is off.
SCHOOLSTAR:SHUT IT!
{Strong Sad walks over in a shirt and tie.}
STRONG SAD:Hey. Did you get the memo I sent out?
SCHOOLSTAR:Temp. You are not supposed to interact you stupid, stupid man. And you're especially not supposed to send out memos.
STRONG SAD:Just read it.
{He grabs it.}
SCHOOLSTAR:Wow, Airstar is partcipating in the Office poker game? He's not even employed anymore.
STRONG SAD:Yeah, it's kind of a big deal.
{Hardhat Runner walks over in a suit and tie.}
HARDHAT RUNNER:Plus, our company is being bought out.
SCHOOLSTAR:WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT?????
HARDHAT RUNNER:Yeah, because of lack of foresight on behalf of this e-mail show's writer, he's decided to fix it by having the company be bought out by BubsCorp. The Office where Strong Bad, Homestar, Pom-Pom, Bubs, Coach Z and The Cheat work.
STRONG SAD:I use to work there too as a temp.
HARDHAT RUNNER:Well now you're fired apparently. {A look of horror befalls upon Strong Sad's face.} See you guys at the poker game!
{Cut to Airstar with The Chuck at the poker table. The Chuck is wearing a pinstripe suit.}
AIRSTAR:The Chuck, you are an expert poker player. You won the 2009 Poker Award for god's sakes. You also won the 2007 Poker World Championship finals. So, teach me!
THE CHUCK:Meh, I don't really feel like it. Just read this manual.
{Hands him "Your Guide to Playing Poker 2010". He looks at it.}
AIRSTAR:Oh my god. Is that, is that Garbachov? My ex-wife? Holy crap.
{The camera zooms in on Garbachov's picture on the manual, and she's posing in a bikini with cards in her hands. The camera zooms out again.}
AIRSTAR:This is bad mamma-jama. We divorced in a hurry. But maybe this a sign, I mean she's obviously gotten hotter and more sweet and sane.
THE CHUCK:Stop getting distracted! Just learn how to play.
AIRSTAR:Hold on. I gotta think. {Strokes his half-beard.} Hmmm...AH HA! I'll call her! To my roll-o-dex!
{He pulls out his roll-o-dex and the camera closes up on it. The first page says "The Chuck, 404-555-7892, smart. Red." The next one says "Jon Stewart, 646-555-2828, funny. Jewish." The next one says "Dr. C-doggin, 818-555-7890, strong. Doc." and the next one says "Mrs. Contestholderson, 404-555-444, generic. Lady." and the next one says "Garbachov Eastin Lols, 404-555-789382746736439764837369476343964966034659479848759846t984659765948659486897873487659384, crazy. Effing insane."}
AIRSTAR:There she blows! I gotta call her.
{He takes out his cell phone. He dials the number. It rings.}
GARBACHOV'S VOICE ON PHONE:Hello?
AIRSTAR:Garby! It's me Airstar! Your ex-husband.
GABRACHOV'S VOICE:Oh my goodness! Wow, I though you were dead.
AIRSTAR:No, I'm alive.
GARBACHOV'S VOICE:Good, good. So, how are you doing?
AIRSTAR: Oh yeah i've been doing okay...
{Cut to a dashborad cam view of a police car chasing after a car at night. The date says "12-22-2009"}
COP:We've got a DUI situation here. {The car starts pulling over and parks. Airstar (still with a beard) comes out with a Cold One.} HE GOT OUT! HE GOT OUT! GET HIM! {Some cops tackle him. Cut back to Airstar in modern day.}
AIRSTAR:Yeah i've been doing good. I just wanted to ask if you wanted to participate in this poker game with guys from work.
GARBACHOV:Oh, you're writer friends from The Daily Show?
AIRSTAR:Uhh...
{Cut to Jon Stewart in his office reading over a script with a calendar that said "JULY 2009". Airstar comes in. He still has a beard.}
AIRSTAR:You wanted me?
JON STEWART:Yeah. Sit down.
{He sits down.}
AIRSTAR:Is it serious?
JON STEWART: Sort of. Look, you forgot to get the milk.
AIRSTAR:What?
JON STEWART:When I told you to get my groceries this forgot to get the effing milk. YOU SON OF A B-
AIRSTAR:WOAH!
JON STEWART: YOU FORGOT THE EFFING MILK YOU FREAKING RETARD FROM HELL WHY DON'T YOU GET THE EFF OUT OF THIS G-D OFFICE YOU EFFING JACKCRAP SON OF A
AIRSTAR:WOAH!
JON STEWART:You are fired. Clean out your desk.
AIRSTAR:For not getting milk?
JON STEWART:Yes. I need my milk to feed my baby.
AIRSTAR:Doesn't your wife breastfeed?
JON STEWART:Get the eff out.
{Cut to Airstar at his desk with a box filled with desk things, like his name plaque, "AIRSTAR FLYER-JUNIOR WRITER" and his multiple scripts and desk toys.}
AIRSTAR:This is bull. I HAVE BEEN A GREAT WRITER HERE FOR YEARS! I'LL GET MY VENGEANCE YOU FREAKING JACKCRAP FROM HELL!!!
JON STEWART:{Offscreen} WATCH IT OR I'LL TAKE AWAY YOUR SEVERANCE!
AIRSTAR:Eek.
{Cut back to modern day.}
AIRSTAR:Actually it's guys from my cousin's work. I'm unemployed right now.
GARBACHOV ON THE PHONE: Oh, okay, well sure i'll go. It'll be fun.
AIRSTAR:Yeah. It will.
GARBACHOV ON THE FREAKING PHONE:Okay, i'll see you then.
AIRSTAR:Yeah we will. Bye.
{Cut to the poker game. Airstar, The Chuck, Hardhat Runner, Strong Sad, Schoolstar, Stacy and Garbachov are at the poker table.}
THE CHUCK:Meh...i'll fold.
AIRSTAR:AH HA! Read 'em and weep. {He pulls out two kings and two twos.} Boom! Pair of kings, pair of twos. HACHA! {He rakes in the tokens.}
GARBACHOV:Airstar, how'd you get so good at poker?
{Two wet gloves are thrown on the table and a sillhouette emerges.}
SILLHOUETTE:I can explain that.
{GASPS ALL AROUND.}
STRONG SAD:Who are you?
GARBACHOV:NO, I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT. WHO ARE YOU???????????????>?>?<<<??>???????????????????????????????????????><?<,?></.m.<m><?????????????????????
SILLHOUETTE:I am Airstar's ex-lover. We met in that underwater jail cell he used to be in. I taught him how to be a master at poker and then we made out.
AIRSTAR:OH CRAP.
SILHOUETTE:Part of me wanted to hate him, but another part of me, the part of me that's a woman, wanted to date him.
{The silhouette emerges from the shadows to reveal Darknight Creeper.}
{GASPS ALL AROUND.}
GARBACHOV:WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT ??????????????????????????????<?><?><?????????????????????$56/56575?????????????????????????????????????
DARKNIGHT:That's right! I can hide it no longer! We are in love!
GARBACOV:YOU CHEAT ON MEEEEEEEEEEEE""????????????????????????????????????????????^*&^*&%*%(*%(*&%*&%#^%&^%)*&^%???????????????????????????????????????????????>?<?<????????????????
AIRSTAR:What are you talking about? When this happened we had been divorced for like a year!
GARBACHOV:NOPE! WHAT YOU SIGNED WAS NOT A DIVORCE DOCUMENT!!!!!!! IT WAS THE INSANE RAMBLINGS OF A MAD MAN!!!!!!! I TOOK TWO PAGES OUT OF GLENN BECK'S BOOK AND PUT A LINE AT THE BOTTOM AND HAD US SIGN IT!!!!!!!!! WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR NEARLY THREE YEARS!!!!!!
AIRSTAR:OH MY GOD! Are you serious?
GARBACHOV:YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AIRSTAR:So I should still be wearing my wedding foot bracelet that for some reason has a red light flashing on it?
GARBACHOV:YEAH AND I'M STILL WEARING MY WEDDING RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DARKNIGHT:ENOUGH! HE'S MINE!
GARBACHOV:NO, HE'S LEGALLY MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STACY:NO! HE'S MINE!
SCHOOLSTAR:Baby!
STACY:SCHOOLSTAR WE'RE BROKEN UP! HE'S MINE!!!
HARDHAT RUNNER:Does this mean the card tournamnet is over?
AIRSTAR:AGGG! I need some time to decide.
DARKNIGHT:Here's an idea! How about you play poker against everyone but us, and then if you win, you get to choose. And if you lose, you get to let us have a pillow fight to decide it.
AIRSTAR:Wow. That last one is very tempting. But I need to decide for myself. LET'S PLAY!
{The montages start up of Airstar taking on tokens, and going all in, and folding, and bluffing, and stroking his beard, and winning until 5 hours comes.}
AIRSTAR:Okay, so...I won 7 games out of ten, The Chuck won two games and Strong Sad won one game. I guess I get to decide.
{The camera pans over to a man with a drum doing a drum roll. It then goes back to Airstar. Airstar thinks and thinks and thinks for several minutes.}
DARKNIGHT:Eughh...I don't have time for this crap. Can someone drive me home? I took a cab.
STACY:And you just happened to come in at the exact time Garbachov asked Airstar that question?
DARKNIGHT:Yes. Just sleep on it and tell us tommorow.
STACY:Yeah, do that.
{Everyone gets up and leaves. Airstar is still there thinking. The paper comes down.}
