The Fly Intervention
From Ucbgwinn600
COUPLE WATCHING THE FLY.
SETH
Yes, yes… NO! Don’t go in there! That’s the Fly. God dammit! (beat.) It just keeps getting better and better. (film reference) It’s just so good.
NANCY
I know. It was great yesterday, and the day before that, and on my birthday, and your uncle's wake…
SETH
(DREAMILY) ... And someday at our wedding...
NANCY
Seth, “The Fly” was once just your favorite movie. Now it’s eating up your life.
SETH
That’s ridiculous, Gena.
NANCY
I’m Nancy! I’m not Gena Davis!
SETH
Only because you’re not trying.
NANCY
Look, I’ve asked some friends to come down and talk to you. [DRAGS IN JEFF GOLDBLOOM]
JEFF GOLDBLUM
Hello, I’m Jeff Goldblum.
SETH
Holy shit.
JEFF GOLDBLUM
That’s right … (NANCY MOUTHS SETH) … Seth, actors now have to go around the country helping people who are obsessed with their movies. The guys from the Godfather do this full-time, while minor stars do it maybe once a year, and of course I, Jeff Goldblum, do it … maybe once a year.
SETH
But “The Fly” is the best movie ever made!
NANCY
But it’s just a movie! Jeff Goldblum, tell him it’s just a movie!
JEFF GOLDBLUM
Yeah, yeah. This world has so much more to offer … like other movies! Jurassic Park, Igby Goes Down …
NANCY
No! Things other than movies! [SHE GOES OUT TO DRAG IN DAVID CRONENBERG]
JEFF GOLDBLUM
Independence Day, Earth Girls Are Easy, several episodes of Will and Grace …
NANCY DRAGS IN DAVID CRONENBERG
NANCY [TO DAVID]
Tell him.
DAVID CRONENBERG
Hi, I'm David Cronenberg.
SETH
Oh my God! David Cronenberg (CRONENBERG RIFF) body horror genre. [REACHES OUT HIS PALM.]
DAVID CRONENBERG
Look (JEFF WHISPERS TO DAVID "SETH") Seth, The Fly is just supposed to be entertainment, not life ...
NANCY
Yes! Yes! It’s just a movie!
DAVID CRONENBERG
… as opposed to Police Academy 3, which I watch literally all day…
NANCY
No, you’re making things worse!
DAVID CRONENBERG
Not Police Academy 4, of course, which was an abomination!
JEFF GOLDBLUM
Wow, doughnuts!
DAPHNE ZUNIGA ENTERS.
DAPHNE ZUNIGA
Hi I’m Daphne Zuniga, the actress who replaced Gena Davis in “The Fly II.”
ALL
Get out!!!
DAPHNE EXITS
SETH(TO NANCY)
Why did you invite Daphne Zuniga?
NANCY
I didn’t! She just wanders from house to house. That’s what happens to people who get lost in movies. Look! These are the pathetic people you're obsessed with!
JEFF GOLDBLUM SPITS ON DOUGHNUT AND SUCKS IT UP LIKE A BRUNDLE FLY.
SETH
Cool… you really are The Fly!
DAVID CRONENBURG
No, that’s just how Jeff Goldblum eats.
NANCY
ENOUGH! You people have even more movie sickness than everyone else. Where's the voice of sanity?!
DOOR SLAMS OPEN. VINCENT PRICE, JR. WALKS IN WORKMAN/MUSCLE CLOTHES.
VINCENT PRICE, JR.
Hi, I’m Vincent Price, Jr.! [PAUSE. EVERYONE LOOKS BAFFLED.] Maybe you didn’t hear me. I’m Vincent Price Jr.! … My father made the original “Fly” in 1958. I grew up with movies, and I’ve seen the lives they’ve destroyed. [INDICATING NANCY] This woman is right. You’ve got to turn your back on the movies and look at your real life! Beware! Beware!!!!
PAUSE
SETH
Are you really Vincent Price, Jr.? I mean, you're ... wasn’t your dad, uh …?
VINCENT PRICE, JR.
Look, my dad was not gay! I am tired of people asking me that. He was, what you call flamboyant, y'know, campy.
JEFF GOLDBLUM
Well, campy is gay.
VINCENT PRICE, JR.
No, this was pre-gay.
JEFF GOLDBLUM
There was no time before gays. We’ve always had gays.
NANCY
That’s not the point! Seth, look at this collection of lost souls. Movies aren’t important.
SETH
You're too late, Nancy. I'm too far gone. I'm already starting to transform ...
NANCY
No!
SETH
Yes. I can feel it happening -- spreading thrugh my veins. When next you see me, I will have become ... Daphne Zuniga.
DAPHNE
Did someone call me?
ALL
Get out!
BLACKOUT
