Generous Roommate
From Ucbgwinn600
ROOMMATE PRIEST
ROOMMATE
OK, not to be critical or anything, but ... my yogurt was in the refrigerator, and I even wrote my name on it. Now it’s gone.
PRIEST
Yes, my son, providence didst lead me even unto thine own Dannon Spring Berry yogurt, and by the light of God’s sweet grace, I didst render it unto the poor. You have every right to be angry. You would be justified in chastising me. You might even in all rightousness rend my sullied flesh with thine own hands.
ROOMMATE
No, no. I knew when you answered my ad for a roommate and said you were a priest, there’d be stuff like this. Anyway, I was baptized in the church. It’s fine.
PRIEST
Don't ignore your rightous anger. For as the Bible says, "That's denial. That comes before anger."
ROOMMATE
That’s not from the Bible. That’s from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
HOMELESS RON ENTERS
HOMELESS RON
Mornin’, everybody.
ROOMMATE
Who is this?
PRIEST
It’s the blessed recipient of your Dannon Spring Berry yogurt. His name is Homeless Ron ... and he is ... er, was homeless.
ROOMMATE
What are you doing bringing homeless people into our house? You don’t know anything about this guy. ... And what was he doing in my bedroom?!
PRIEST
Yes! You should chastise God’s servant. Slap me. Strap me in a leather harness and hang me in the front window – if only to better know thine own self!
ROOMMATE
I’m not mad at God’s servant. So stop telling me to chastise you. It creeps me out when you do that.
PRIEST
Don’t keep it bottled up. As the Blessed One says, "That serenity now stuff doesn't work. It just stores up all your anger and then, eventually, you blow."
ROOMMATE
That’s from “Seinfeld.”
HOMELESS RON
Hey, is there anyplace I can wash off some blood?
PRIEST
Certainly, use Roommate Barry's shower.
HOMELESS RON HEADS OUT.
LINDA ENTERS, HOLDING A BLOODY BABY.
ROOMMATE
Huh? What? He said something about blood.
LINDA
Hey. I just gave birth on your bed. Hope that’s cool.
PRIEST
This is Skanky Linda. She renders up sexual gratification for monetary exchange – just like that blessed Saint, Mary Magdalene. Blessed Skanky Linda, Saintly Skanky Linda, we open our home to you – unless that upsets Roommate Barry.
ROOMMATE
[TEETH GRITTED] No. It’s fine. ... We open our home to you.
PRIEST
I can hear the anger hiding behind your clenched teeth. Why don't you release that anger and bite me. Grind my flesh in your teeth of justice. Allow your jaws to punish me and feel the warmth of my blood flow down your chin!
ROOMMATE
No!
LINDA
Hey, I need some money. Do you want to have sex with my baby?
ROOMMATE
What?! What the fuck is wrong with you?
PRIEST
Do it! Rebuke the harlet Mary Magdalene! At last. Sweet release! Oh, let it flow!
ROOMMATE
I’m not rebuking anyone, OK?! I’m just having an issue about boundaries!
PRIEST
But doesn’t it say in the Bible, “I will select a mate from beyond the scorpion dome, and we will create a new aquatic race”?
ROOMMATE
That’s not from the Bible. That’s from ... I don’t even know where the fuck that’s from.
LINDA [TURNING TO LEAVE]
I’m taking my baby into the shower with Homeless Ron.
LINDA EXITS
ROOMMATE
Look ... again, this is not a rebuke. I can handle the homeless guy and the hooker selling her baby. But I’m starting to think you’re not even a priest.
PRIEST
I can see your smoldering outrage. Jam your thumbs into my eyes ... thrust them deep rebuking me as you grind my eyes from their sockets ... clench my orbs passionately in your avenging fists squeezing until you feel the hot goo drip sweetly between your trembling fingers.
ROOMMATE
See, that's just it. I think you’re just some weird guy who’s got a “rebuke” fetish. If you’re really in the church, then there is no God.
THUNDER. LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF.
GOD
This is the Lord. Father John, because of your generosity, you will ascend to the heavens. And roommate Barry ...[BELCH] ... excuse me...I just ate Skanky Linda's baby. ... .
ROOMMATE
[DISGUSTED] Oh my God!
GOD
Hey, if it was yours, you should have written your name on it.
BLACKOUT
