The Fly Intervention
From Ucbgwinn600
Couple watching The Fly.
SETH
Yes, yes… NO! Don’t go in there! That’s the Fly. God dammit! (beat.) It just keeps getting better and better. (film reference) It’s just so good.
NANCY
I know. It was great yesterday, and the day before that, and on your birthday, and mine, and my sisters wedding, and at your uncles wake…
SETH
(Dreamily) Yeah…and at the midnight showing, where we met!
NANCY
SETH, yes, I remember. The Fly was once just your favorite movie, and now it’s defined our relationship!
SETH
Boy Nancy, If I knew you were gonna try and shoot me down I would have dated Gena Davis. Zing.
NANCY
You are dating Gena Davis! I found this under the mattress. (Magazine with Gena Davis on cover). The pages are all stuck together!
SETH
I spilled my pine colada on it.
NANCY
Our anniversary picture. You pasted her face on my body.
SETH
Oh, come on. You said yourself it was a bad hair day.
NANCY
You called out her name when we were making love
SETH
(on making) God dammit Gina!
JUILA
You have a serious problem.
Opens the door, enter JEFF GOLDBLUM.
JEFF GOLDBLUM
Hi, I’m Jeff Goldblum. I’m- (Seth starts jumping around. )
SETH
Holy shit.
JEFF GOLDBLUM
Well, ( READING FROM CARD NANCY MOUTHS “SETH TO JEFF”) Seth. I know you're wondering what's going on. This is a Fly intervention. You know that everyone here cares a lot about you. All of us have been having some conversations over the last few weeks because we are all worried about certain things that have been happening to you. Please don't feel we are judging you! All we ask that you listen to what we have to say. We would really appreciate that!
SETH
You’re an actor, why didn’t you memorize your lines. No one memorizes lines better than you. Besides it’s the Fly is the best movie ever made!
JEFF GOLDBLUM
And I’ll be the last person to argue with you. However, this world has so much more to offer you! Other movies! Jurassic Park, Igby Goes Down, Independence Day…
NANCY
Don’t get him stuck on another movie…
DAVID CRONENBURG enters.
DAVID CRONENBERG
…Friday the 13th, History of Violence, the first Crash. Sorry I’m late. (to SETH) Hi, I’m David Cronenburg.
SETH
I know who you are. (cronenberg riff) body horror genre
Reaches out his palm.
DAVID CRONENBERG
Look (JEFF WHISPERS SETH) Seth, I’m here to assist Jeff in leading this intervention. You see when I made The Fly it was to entertain people. I only became aware of its addictive properties a few years ago. I’ve seen many lives ruined…including my own. You don’t have to confront your problem alone.
SETH
I don’t have a problem!
NANCY starts to cry. She’s ignored.
DAVID CRONENBERG
The truth of the matter is that I made The Fly when I needed money in order to make Naked Lunch. Now that’s a movie to be obsessed with! It’s truly the superior film.
SETH
(Naked Lunch riff) Peter Weller just doesn’t do it for me. No offense Jeff, I know you play keys in a jazz orchestra together.
JEFF GOLDBLUM
The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra. That’s very impressive that you know that.
DAPHNE ZUNIGA enters.
DAPHNE ZUNIGA
Hi I’m Daphne Zuniga. Sorry I’m late. (prepared intervention speech)
SETH
Who the fuck are you. You look like that chick from Melrose Place, the one who shot the father of her child when he was selling coke on the boat. And then you had to give the baby up for adoption which was good cause I mean introducing a baby on show catering to the 18-24 demographic just isn’t smart programming.
JEFF GOLDBLUM
Wow, doughnuts!
DAPHNE ZUNIGA
Yeah, they let me take them from work.
DAVID CRONENBERG
Hey everybody Daphne got a job.
JEFF GOLDBLUM spits on doughnut and sucks it up ala Brundle Fly.
SETH
Cool… you really are the Fly!
DAVID CRONENBURG
No that’s just how Jeff Goldblum eats.
DAPHNE ZUNIGA
Yeah, you should see him eat an artichoke. Somehow it becomes babuska!
NANCY
Throws a chair. ENOUGH! The three of you are here to help with SETH’s intervention! But you are just enabling his addiction! He needs help!
Door slammed open. VINCENT PRICE, JR. walks in workman/muscle clothes
VINCENT PRICE, JR.
Hi, I’m Vincent Price, Jr.!
JEFF, DAVID, and DAPHNE all groan. SETH and NANCY are baffled.
Maybe you didn’t hear me. I’m Vincent Price Jr. You might remember the original fly, my father filmed in 1958. A film which you David Cronenberg attempted to remake but destroyed. Mr. Cronenberg you and your shameless Hollywood knock off besmirched my family name
SETH
Are you really Vincent Price, Jr.? I mean, you are. I mean you’re dad. Wasn’t you’re dad? What was your mom like?
DAPHNE ZUNIGA
Dude, he was gay.
DAVID CRONENBERG
Shut up! This is why no one will hire you.
JEFF GOLDBLUM
He was gay. Believe me I know.
VINCENT PRICE, JR.
Jesus fucking Christ. Why do people keep saying that. It’s all I’ve ever heard since 8th grade. He wasn’t gay, he was campy, before the queers ripped off camp. Fops like the ladies. It was the fifties, okay it was camp, people didn’t flaunt there sexual proclivities all over the place they kept it a secret most homos back then carried on perfectly normal lives, they had jobs, they had wives, many even had kids(realization)...shut your face Zuniga.
SETH
Jeff Goldblum, David Cronenberg, Daphne Zuniga, Vincent Price jr. Man, this intervention sucks I’m watching the fly.
BLACKOUT
