The Fly Intervention

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Couple watching The Fly.
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SETH
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COUPLE WATCHING THE FLY.
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Yes, yes… NO! Don’t go in there! That’s the Fly. God dammit! (beat.) It just keeps getting better and better. (film reference) It’s just so good.
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SETH<br>
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Yes, yes… NO! Don’t go in there! That’s the Fly. God dammit! (beat.) It just keeps getting better and better. (film reference) It’s just so good.  
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NANCY
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NANCY<br>
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I know. It was great yesterday, and the day before that, and on my birthday, and your uncle's wake…
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I know. It was great yesterday, and the day before that, and on your birthday, and mine, and my sisters wedding, and at your uncles wake…
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SETH<br>
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(DREAMILY) ... And someday at our wedding...
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SETH
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NANCY<br>
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Seth, “The Fly” was once just your favorite movie. Now it’s eating up your life.
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(Dreamily)  Yeah…and at the midnight showing, where we met!
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SETH<br>
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That’s ridiculous, Gena.
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NANCY
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NANCY<br>
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I’m Nancy! I’m not Gena Davis!
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Yes, Seth, I remember. The Fly was once just your favorite movie, and now it’s defined our relationship!
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SETH<br>
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Only because you’re not trying.
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SETH
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NANCY<br>
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Look, I’ve asked some friends to come down and talk to you. [DRAGS IN JEFF GOLDBLOOM]
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Boy Nancy, If I knew you were gonna try and shoot me down I would have dated Gena Davis.
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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Hello, I’m Jeff Goldblum.
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NANCY
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You are dating Gena Davis! I found this under the mattress. (Magazine with Gena Davis on cover).
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The pages are all stuck together!
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SETH
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I spilled my pine colada on it.
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NANCY
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Our anniversary picture. You pasted her face on my body.
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SETH
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Oh, come on. You said yourself it was a bad hair day.
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NANCY
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You called out her name when we were making love
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SETH
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(on making) God dammit Gina!
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JUILA
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You have a serious problem.
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Opens the door, enter JEFF GOLDBLUM.
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JEFF GOLDBLUM
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Hi, I’m Jeff Goldblum. I’m-
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(Seth starts jumping around. )
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SETH
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SETH<br>
Holy shit.  
Holy shit.  
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JEFF GOLDBLUM
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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That’s right … (NANCY MOUTHS SETH) … Seth, actors now have to go around the country helping people who are obsessed with their movies. The guys from the Godfather do this full-time, while minor stars do it maybe once a year, and of course I, Jeff Goldblum, do it … maybe once a year.
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Well,
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( NANCY MOUTHS SETH)
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Seth. I know you're wondering what's going on. This is a Fly intervention.  You know that everyone here cares a lot about you. All of us have been having some conversations over the last few weeks because we are all worried about certain things that have been happening to you. Please don't feel we are judging you! All we ask that you listen to what we have to say. We would really appreciate that!
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SETH
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You’re an actor aren't you? Why didn’t you memorize your lines? No one memorizes lines better than you.  Besides it’s the Fly is the best movie ever made!
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JEFF GOLDBLUM
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And I’ll be the last person to argue with you.  However, this world has so much more to offer you!  Other movies!  Jurassic Park, Igby Goes Down, Independence Day…
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NANCY
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Don’t get him stuck on another movie…
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        enter DAVID CRONENBERG
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DAVID CRONENBERG
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…Friday the 13th, History of Violence, the first Crash. Sorry I’m late.  (to SETH)  Hi, I’m David Cronenburg.
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SETH
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I know who you are. (cronenberg riff) body horror genre
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Reaches out his palm.
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DAVID CRONENBERG
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Look
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(JEFF WHISPERS SETH)
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Seth, I’m here to assist Jeff in leading this intervention. You see when I made The Fly it was to entertain people.  I only became aware of its addictive properties a few years ago. I’ve seen many lives ruined…including my own. You don’t have to confront your problem alone.
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SETH
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I don’t have a problem!
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NANCY starts to cry.  She’s ignored.
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DAVID CRONENBERG
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The truth of the matter is that I made The Fly when I needed money in order to make Naked Lunch.  Now that’s a movie to be obsessed with!  It’s truly the superior film.
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SETH
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(Naked Lunch riff) Peter Weller just doesn’t do it for me.  No offense Jeff, I know you play keys in a jazz orchestra with him.
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JEFF GOLDBLUM
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The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra.  That’s very impressive that you know that.
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SETH<br>
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But “The Fly” is the best movie ever made!
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DAPHNE ZUNIGA enters.
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NANCY<br>
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But it’s just a movie! Jeff Goldblum, tell him it’s just a movie!
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DAPHNE ZUNIGA
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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Yeah, yeah. This world has so much more to offer … like other movies! Jurassic Park, Igby Goes Down …
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Hi I’m Daphne Zuniga. Sorry I’m late. (prepared intervention speech)
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NANCY<br>
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No! Things other than movies! [SHE GOES OUT TO DRAG IN DAVID CRONENBERG]
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SETH
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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Independence Day, Earth Girls Are Easy, several episodes of Will and Grace …
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Who the fuck are you. You look like that chick from Melrose Place, the one who shot the father of her child when he was selling coke on the boat. And then you had to give the baby up for adoption which was good cause I mean introducing a baby on show catering to the 18-24 demographic just isn’t smart programming.
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NANCY DRAGS IN DAVID CRONENBERG
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JEFF GOLDBLUM
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NANCY [TO DAVID]<br>
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Tell him.
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Wow, doughnuts!
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DAVID CRONENBERG<br>
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Hi, I'm David Cronenberg.
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DAPHNE ZUNIGA
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SETH<br>
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Oh my God! David Cronenberg (CRONENBERG RIFF) body horror genre. [REACHES OUT HIS PALM.]
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Yeah, they let me take them from work.
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DAVID CRONENBERG<br>
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Look (JEFF WHISPERS TO DAVID "SETH") Seth, The Fly is just supposed to be entertainment, not life ...
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DAVID CRONENBERG
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NANCY<br>
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Yes! Yes! It’s just a movie!
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Hey everybody Daphne got a job. 
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DAVID CRONENBERG<br>
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… as opposed to Police Academy 3, which I watch literally all day…
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NANCY<br>
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No, you’re making things worse!
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(JEFF GOLDBLUM spits on doughnut and sucks it up ala Brundle Fly)
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DAVID CRONENBERG<br>
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Not Police Academy 4, of course, which was an abomination!
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SETH
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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Wow, doughnuts!
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Cool… you really are the Fly!
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DAPHNE ZUNIGA ENTERS.
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DAVID CRONENBURG
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DAPHNE ZUNIGA<br>
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Hi I’m Daphne Zuniga, the actress who replaced Gena Davis in “The Fly II.”
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No that’s just how Jeff Goldblum eats.
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ALL<br>
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Get out!!!
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DAPHNE ZUNIGA
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DAPHNE EXITS             
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Yeah, you should see him eat an artichoke.  Somehow it becomes babuska!
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SETH(TO NANCY) <br>
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Why did you invite Daphne Zuniga?
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NANCY
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NANCY<br>
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I didn’t! She just wanders from house to house. That’s what happens to people who get lost in movies. Look! These are the pathetic people you're obsessed with!
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Throws a chair.
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JEFF GOLDBLUM SPITS ON DOUGHNUT AND SUCKS IT UP LIKE A BRUNDLE FLY.
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ENOUGH!  The three of you are here to help with SETH’s intervention!  But you are just enabling his addiction!  He needs help!
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Door slammed open.  VINCENT PRICE, JR. walks in workman/muscle clothes
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SETH<br>
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Cool… you really are The Fly!
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VINCENT PRICE, JR.
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DAVID CRONENBURG<br>
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No, that’s just how Jeff Goldblum eats.  
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Hi, I’m Vincent Price, Jr.!
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NANCY<br>
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ENOUGH! You people have even more movie sickness than everyone else. Where's the voice of sanity?!
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JEFF, DAVID, and DAPHNE all groan. SETH and NANCY are baffled.
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DOOR SLAMS OPEN. VINCENT PRICE, JR. WALKS IN WORKMAN/MUSCLE CLOTHES.
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Maybe you didn’t hear me. I’m Vincent Price Jr. You might remember the original fly, my father filmed in 1958. A film which you David Cronenberg attempted to remake but destroyed. Mr. Cronenberg you and your shameless Hollywood knock off besmirched my family name
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VINCENT PRICE, JR.<br>
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Hi, I’m Vincent Price, Jr.! [PAUSE. EVERYONE LOOKS BAFFLED.] Maybe you didn’t hear me. I’m Vincent Price Jr.! … My father made the original “Fly” in 1958. I grew up with movies, and I’ve seen the lives they’ve destroyed. [INDICATING NANCY] This woman is right. You’ve got to turn your back on the movies and look at your real life! Beware! Beware!!!!
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SETH
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PAUSE
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Are you really Vincent Price, Jr.? I mean, you are. I mean you’re dad. Wasn’t you’re dad? What was your mom like?
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SETH<br>
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Are you really Vincent Price, Jr.? I mean, you're ... wasn’t your dad, uh …?  
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DAPHNE ZUNIGA
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VINCENT PRICE, JR.<br>
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Look, my dad was not gay! I am tired of people asking me that. He was, what you call flamboyant, y'know, campy.
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Dude, he was gay.
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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Well, campy is gay.
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DAVID CRONENBERG
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VINCENT PRICE, JR.<br>
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No, this was pre-gay.
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Shut up! This is why no one will hire you.  
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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There was no time before gays. We’ve always had gays.
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JEFF GOLDBLUM
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NANCY<br>
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That’s not the point! Seth, look at this collection of lost souls. Movies aren’t important.
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He was gay. Believe me I know.
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SETH<br>
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You're too late, Nancy. I'm too far gone. I'm already starting to transform ...  
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VINCENT PRICE, JR.
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Jesus fucking Christ. Why do people keep saying that. It’s all I’ve ever heard since 8th grade. He wasn’t gay, he was campy, before the queers ripped off camp. Fops like the ladies. It was the fifties, okay it was camp, people didn’t flaunt there sexual proclivities all over the place they kept it a secret most homos back then carried on perfectly normal lives, they had jobs, they had wives, many even had kids(realization)...shut your face Zuniga.
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NANCY<br>
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No!
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SETH
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SETH<br>
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Yes. I can feel it happening -- spreading thrugh my veins. When next you see me, I will have become ... Daphne Zuniga.
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Jeff Goldblum, David Cronenberg, Daphne Zuniga, Vincent Price jr. Man, this intervention sucks I’m watching the fly.
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DAPHNE<br>
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Did someone call me?
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BLACKOUT
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ALL<br>
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Get out!
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©2006 FBA
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BLACKOUT

Current revision as of 22:13, 31 March 2006


COUPLE WATCHING THE FLY.

SETH
Yes, yes… NO! Don’t go in there! That’s the Fly. God dammit! (beat.) It just keeps getting better and better. (film reference) It’s just so good.

NANCY
I know. It was great yesterday, and the day before that, and on my birthday, and your uncle's wake…

SETH
(DREAMILY) ... And someday at our wedding...

NANCY
Seth, “The Fly” was once just your favorite movie. Now it’s eating up your life.

SETH
That’s ridiculous, Gena.

NANCY
I’m Nancy! I’m not Gena Davis!

SETH
Only because you’re not trying.

NANCY
Look, I’ve asked some friends to come down and talk to you. [DRAGS IN JEFF GOLDBLOOM]

JEFF GOLDBLUM
Hello, I’m Jeff Goldblum.

SETH
Holy shit.

JEFF GOLDBLUM
That’s right … (NANCY MOUTHS SETH) … Seth, actors now have to go around the country helping people who are obsessed with their movies. The guys from the Godfather do this full-time, while minor stars do it maybe once a year, and of course I, Jeff Goldblum, do it … maybe once a year.

SETH
But “The Fly” is the best movie ever made!

NANCY
But it’s just a movie! Jeff Goldblum, tell him it’s just a movie!

JEFF GOLDBLUM
Yeah, yeah. This world has so much more to offer … like other movies! Jurassic Park, Igby Goes Down …

NANCY
No! Things other than movies! [SHE GOES OUT TO DRAG IN DAVID CRONENBERG]

JEFF GOLDBLUM
Independence Day, Earth Girls Are Easy, several episodes of Will and Grace …

NANCY DRAGS IN DAVID CRONENBERG

NANCY [TO DAVID]
Tell him.

DAVID CRONENBERG
Hi, I'm David Cronenberg.

SETH
Oh my God! David Cronenberg (CRONENBERG RIFF) body horror genre. [REACHES OUT HIS PALM.]

DAVID CRONENBERG
Look (JEFF WHISPERS TO DAVID "SETH") Seth, The Fly is just supposed to be entertainment, not life ...

NANCY
Yes! Yes! It’s just a movie!

DAVID CRONENBERG
… as opposed to Police Academy 3, which I watch literally all day…

NANCY
No, you’re making things worse!

DAVID CRONENBERG
Not Police Academy 4, of course, which was an abomination!

JEFF GOLDBLUM
Wow, doughnuts!

DAPHNE ZUNIGA ENTERS.

DAPHNE ZUNIGA
Hi I’m Daphne Zuniga, the actress who replaced Gena Davis in “The Fly II.”

ALL
Get out!!!

DAPHNE EXITS

SETH(TO NANCY)
Why did you invite Daphne Zuniga?

NANCY
I didn’t! She just wanders from house to house. That’s what happens to people who get lost in movies. Look! These are the pathetic people you're obsessed with!

JEFF GOLDBLUM SPITS ON DOUGHNUT AND SUCKS IT UP LIKE A BRUNDLE FLY.

SETH
Cool… you really are The Fly!

DAVID CRONENBURG
No, that’s just how Jeff Goldblum eats.

NANCY
ENOUGH! You people have even more movie sickness than everyone else. Where's the voice of sanity?!

DOOR SLAMS OPEN. VINCENT PRICE, JR. WALKS IN WORKMAN/MUSCLE CLOTHES.

VINCENT PRICE, JR.
Hi, I’m Vincent Price, Jr.! [PAUSE. EVERYONE LOOKS BAFFLED.] Maybe you didn’t hear me. I’m Vincent Price Jr.! … My father made the original “Fly” in 1958. I grew up with movies, and I’ve seen the lives they’ve destroyed. [INDICATING NANCY] This woman is right. You’ve got to turn your back on the movies and look at your real life! Beware! Beware!!!!

PAUSE

SETH
Are you really Vincent Price, Jr.? I mean, you're ... wasn’t your dad, uh …?

VINCENT PRICE, JR.
Look, my dad was not gay! I am tired of people asking me that. He was, what you call flamboyant, y'know, campy.

JEFF GOLDBLUM
Well, campy is gay.

VINCENT PRICE, JR.
No, this was pre-gay.

JEFF GOLDBLUM
There was no time before gays. We’ve always had gays.

NANCY
That’s not the point! Seth, look at this collection of lost souls. Movies aren’t important.

SETH
You're too late, Nancy. I'm too far gone. I'm already starting to transform ...

NANCY
No!

SETH
Yes. I can feel it happening -- spreading thrugh my veins. When next you see me, I will have become ... Daphne Zuniga.

DAPHNE
Did someone call me?

ALL
Get out!

BLACKOUT

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