The Fly Intervention

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A guy and a girl are watching a movie...The Fly.
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'''Guy"
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COUPLE WATCHING THE FLY.
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Yes. Yes. (jumping out of seat) NO. Don't go in there, thats the fly. Godammit!
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SETH<br>
 +
Yes, yes… NO! Don’t go in there! That’s the Fly. God dammit! (beat.) It just keeps getting better and better. (film reference) It’s just so good.
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(a beat)
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NANCY<br>
 +
I know. It was great yesterday, and the day before that, and on my birthday, and your uncle's wake…
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I'm sorry I keep putting it on when you come over.
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SETH<br>
 +
(DREAMILY) ... And someday at our wedding...
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'''Girl'''
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NANCY<br>
 +
Seth, “The Fly” was once just your favorite movie. Now it’s eating up your life.
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(sic)If I have to watch that movie one more time I swear...
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SETH<br>
 +
That’s ridiculous, Gena.
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(enter Jeff Goldblum, Guy starts freaking out.)
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NANCY<br>
 +
I’m Nancy! I’m not Gena Davis!
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'''Jeff Goldblum'''
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SETH<br>
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Only because you’re not trying.
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Hello, I'm Jeff Goldblum. Your girlfriend has asked me to come here, she thinks "The Fly" is dominating your life and you need help.  She has organized this intervention. Intervention, discussion, group.
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NANCY<br>
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Look, I’ve asked some friends to come down and talk to you. [DRAGS IN JEFF GOLDBLOOM]
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'''Guy'''
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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Hello, I’m Jeff Goldblum.
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Oh my god! You're Jeff Goldblum.
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SETH<br>
 +
Holy shit.  
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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That’s right … (NANCY MOUTHS SETH) … Seth, actors now have to go around the country helping people who are obsessed with their movies. The guys from the Godfather do this full-time, while minor stars do it maybe once a year, and of course I, Jeff Goldblum, do it … maybe once a year.
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'''Jeff Goldblum'''
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SETH<br>
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But “The Fly” is the best movie ever made!
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Yes. Yes. I am Jeff Goldblum. I'm an actor, I pretend to be things on screen.
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NANCY<br>
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In movies, that aren't real. Pretend movie, story,
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But it’s just a movie! Jeff Goldblum, tell him it’s just a movie!
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'''Guy'''
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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Yeah, yeah. This world has so much more to offer … like other movies! Jurassic Park, Igby Goes Down …
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You want a donut?
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NANCY<br>
 +
No! Things other than movies! [SHE GOES OUT TO DRAG IN DAVID CRONENBERG]
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'''Jeff Goldblum'''
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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Independence Day, Earth Girls Are Easy, several episodes of Will and Grace …
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Why thank you. (he spits on donut and sucks it up)
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NANCY DRAGS IN DAVID CRONENBERG
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'''Guy'''
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NANCY [TO DAVID]<br>
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Tell him.
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HOLY SHIT. You really are a fly!
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DAVID CRONENBERG<br>
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Hi, I'm David Cronenberg.
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(enter '''David Cronenberg. Guy reacts excited.)
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SETH<br>
 +
Oh my God! David Cronenberg (CRONENBERG RIFF) body horror genre. [REACHES OUT HIS PALM.]
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'''David Cronenberg'''
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DAVID CRONENBERG<br>
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Look (JEFF WHISPERS TO DAVID "SETH") Seth, The Fly is just supposed to be entertainment, not life ...
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No, that's just how Jeff Goldblum eats. Hi I'm David Cronenberg. Look I made The Fly when I needed money very badly to make Naked Lunch. If you want to be obsessed with my work thats the superior film.
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NANCY<br>
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Yes! Yes! It’s just a movie!
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'''Guy'''
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DAVID CRONENBERG<br>
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… as opposed to Police Academy 3, which I watch literally all day…
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Peter Weller just doesn't do it for me. No offense Jeff I know you're in a band with him.
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NANCY<br>
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No, you’re making things worse!
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'''Jeff Goldblum'''
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DAVID CRONENBERG<br>
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Not Police Academy 4, of course, which was an abomination!
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That's right. I am, we are in a band together, the mildred snitzer orchestra. Thats very impressive that you know that. I guess were not having this intervention for nothing.
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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Wow, doughnuts!
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'''Girl'''
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DAPHNE ZUNIGA ENTERS.
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WE'RE HAVING THIS INTERVENTION BECAUSE I'M GOING FUCKING INSANE AND IF I HAVE TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT THIS STUPID MOVIE I'M GOING TO BE LIKE GENA DAVIS AND BLOW YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BRAINS OUT.
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DAPHNE ZUNIGA<br>
 +
Hi I’m Daphne Zuniga, the actress who replaced Gena Davis in “The Fly II.”
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(a beat)
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ALL<br>
 +
Get out!!!
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It's a remake anyway.
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DAPHNE EXITS             
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(enter '''Vincent Price Jr.'''Guy gives absolutely no reaction.)  
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SETH(TO NANCY) <br>
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Why did you invite Daphne Zuniga?
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'''Vincent Price Jr.'''
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NANCY<br>
 +
I didn’t! She just wanders from house to house. That’s what happens to people who get lost in movies. Look! These are the pathetic people you're obsessed with!
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Hi. I'm Vincent Price Jr.
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JEFF GOLDBLUM SPITS ON DOUGHNUT AND SUCKS IT UP LIKE A BRUNDLE FLY.
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''Cricket noises''
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SETH<br>
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Cool… you really are The Fly!
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(''Everyone looks around uncomfortably. Not knowing who he is. Guy just stares in silence obviously not impressed.)''
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DAVID CRONENBURG<br>
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No, that’s just how Jeff Goldblum eats.  
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'''Vincent Price Jr''':
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NANCY<br>
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Maybe you didn't hear me,  I am Vincent Price JR ''(Said with the utmost importance)''.
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ENOUGH! You people have even more movie sickness than everyone else. Where's the voice of sanity?!
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You might remember the Original FLY, my father filmed in 1958.  A film, which you David Cronenberg attempted to remake but destroyed!!!! Mr. Cronenberg you and your shameless Hollywood knockoff disrespected my family name!
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'''
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'''David Cronenberg''''
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DOOR SLAMS OPEN. VINCENT PRICE, JR. WALKS IN WORKMAN/MUSCLE CLOTHES.
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Are you really Vincent Price Jr? I mean I know your dad was married but...
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'''Vincent Price Jr.'''
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VINCENT PRICE, JR.<br>
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My father came to me in a dream last night and told me to avenge the misjustice you carried out on his work. He gave me the missing molecules in order to complete the experiment he was working on when he died. Mr. Cronenberg prepare to meet your maker. Presenting a  Vincent Price Jr. creation, Daphne Zuniga fly.
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Hi, I’m Vincent Price, Jr.! [PAUSE. EVERYONE LOOKS BAFFLED.] Maybe you didn’t hear me. I’m Vincent Price Jr.! … My father made the original “Fly” in 1958. I grew up with movies, and I’ve seen the lives they’ve destroyed. [INDICATING NANCY] This woman is right. You’ve got to turn your back on the movies and look at your real life! Beware! Beware!!!!
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''( Actor pops head through curtain the original film is superimposed on body. Daphne Zunigafly in a spider web with the exact likeness of the original film's ending scene.)''
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PAUSE
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''Everyone gasps. Then silence.''
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SETH<br>
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Are you really Vincent Price, Jr.? I mean, you're ... wasn’t your dad, uh …?
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'''Guy:''' (''Screaming'') Yes! Yes! Say it! You know you want to say it! (''Climaxes'')
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VINCENT PRICE, JR.<br>
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Look, my dad was not gay! I am tired of people asking me that. He was, what you call flamboyant, y'know, campy.
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'''Daphne:''' Help Me! Help Me!!
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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Well, campy is gay.
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'''Blackout
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'''
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VINCENT PRICE, JR.<br>
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No, this was pre-gay.
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JEFF GOLDBLUM<br>
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There was no time before gays. We’ve always had gays.
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NANCY<br>
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That’s not the point! Seth, look at this collection of lost souls. Movies aren’t important.
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SETH<br>
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You're too late, Nancy. I'm too far gone. I'm already starting to transform ...
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NANCY<br>
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No!
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SETH<br>
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Yes. I can feel it happening -- spreading thrugh my veins. When next you see me, I will have become ... Daphne Zuniga.
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DAPHNE<br>
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Did someone call me?
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ALL<br>
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Get out!
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BLACKOUT

Current revision as of 22:13, 31 March 2006


COUPLE WATCHING THE FLY.

SETH
Yes, yes… NO! Don’t go in there! That’s the Fly. God dammit! (beat.) It just keeps getting better and better. (film reference) It’s just so good.

NANCY
I know. It was great yesterday, and the day before that, and on my birthday, and your uncle's wake…

SETH
(DREAMILY) ... And someday at our wedding...

NANCY
Seth, “The Fly” was once just your favorite movie. Now it’s eating up your life.

SETH
That’s ridiculous, Gena.

NANCY
I’m Nancy! I’m not Gena Davis!

SETH
Only because you’re not trying.

NANCY
Look, I’ve asked some friends to come down and talk to you. [DRAGS IN JEFF GOLDBLOOM]

JEFF GOLDBLUM
Hello, I’m Jeff Goldblum.

SETH
Holy shit.

JEFF GOLDBLUM
That’s right … (NANCY MOUTHS SETH) … Seth, actors now have to go around the country helping people who are obsessed with their movies. The guys from the Godfather do this full-time, while minor stars do it maybe once a year, and of course I, Jeff Goldblum, do it … maybe once a year.

SETH
But “The Fly” is the best movie ever made!

NANCY
But it’s just a movie! Jeff Goldblum, tell him it’s just a movie!

JEFF GOLDBLUM
Yeah, yeah. This world has so much more to offer … like other movies! Jurassic Park, Igby Goes Down …

NANCY
No! Things other than movies! [SHE GOES OUT TO DRAG IN DAVID CRONENBERG]

JEFF GOLDBLUM
Independence Day, Earth Girls Are Easy, several episodes of Will and Grace …

NANCY DRAGS IN DAVID CRONENBERG

NANCY [TO DAVID]
Tell him.

DAVID CRONENBERG
Hi, I'm David Cronenberg.

SETH
Oh my God! David Cronenberg (CRONENBERG RIFF) body horror genre. [REACHES OUT HIS PALM.]

DAVID CRONENBERG
Look (JEFF WHISPERS TO DAVID "SETH") Seth, The Fly is just supposed to be entertainment, not life ...

NANCY
Yes! Yes! It’s just a movie!

DAVID CRONENBERG
… as opposed to Police Academy 3, which I watch literally all day…

NANCY
No, you’re making things worse!

DAVID CRONENBERG
Not Police Academy 4, of course, which was an abomination!

JEFF GOLDBLUM
Wow, doughnuts!

DAPHNE ZUNIGA ENTERS.

DAPHNE ZUNIGA
Hi I’m Daphne Zuniga, the actress who replaced Gena Davis in “The Fly II.”

ALL
Get out!!!

DAPHNE EXITS

SETH(TO NANCY)
Why did you invite Daphne Zuniga?

NANCY
I didn’t! She just wanders from house to house. That’s what happens to people who get lost in movies. Look! These are the pathetic people you're obsessed with!

JEFF GOLDBLUM SPITS ON DOUGHNUT AND SUCKS IT UP LIKE A BRUNDLE FLY.

SETH
Cool… you really are The Fly!

DAVID CRONENBURG
No, that’s just how Jeff Goldblum eats.

NANCY
ENOUGH! You people have even more movie sickness than everyone else. Where's the voice of sanity?!

DOOR SLAMS OPEN. VINCENT PRICE, JR. WALKS IN WORKMAN/MUSCLE CLOTHES.

VINCENT PRICE, JR.
Hi, I’m Vincent Price, Jr.! [PAUSE. EVERYONE LOOKS BAFFLED.] Maybe you didn’t hear me. I’m Vincent Price Jr.! … My father made the original “Fly” in 1958. I grew up with movies, and I’ve seen the lives they’ve destroyed. [INDICATING NANCY] This woman is right. You’ve got to turn your back on the movies and look at your real life! Beware! Beware!!!!

PAUSE

SETH
Are you really Vincent Price, Jr.? I mean, you're ... wasn’t your dad, uh …?

VINCENT PRICE, JR.
Look, my dad was not gay! I am tired of people asking me that. He was, what you call flamboyant, y'know, campy.

JEFF GOLDBLUM
Well, campy is gay.

VINCENT PRICE, JR.
No, this was pre-gay.

JEFF GOLDBLUM
There was no time before gays. We’ve always had gays.

NANCY
That’s not the point! Seth, look at this collection of lost souls. Movies aren’t important.

SETH
You're too late, Nancy. I'm too far gone. I'm already starting to transform ...

NANCY
No!

SETH
Yes. I can feel it happening -- spreading thrugh my veins. When next you see me, I will have become ... Daphne Zuniga.

DAPHNE
Did someone call me?

ALL
Get out!

BLACKOUT

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