Sex
From Popwiki
"Any hole's a goal"
"I love to get stuck into My Pet Goat. Heh heh heh"
"Tie me kangaroo down, Sport. And get some vaseline as well"
"Do I like to **** animals? You bet your ****in' life!"
SEX is an extremely popular pastime whereby a man (or woman) indulge in consensual sex with a horny and willing animal, often leading to marriage. It was invented in 1837 by Sir Thomas GoatFuck and is legal in most States of America, the one exception being Arkansas where the only sexual activity permitted by law is incest.
Bestiality was first made famous by The Beastie Boys who dedicated their entire lives to rapping about the joys of inter-species relationships. Their hit song 'I want to ram a ram' became a huge success across the globe and in many ways was considered the catalyst that was to trigger a worldwide explosion of human-animal intercourse. It is now estimated that some 3.2 billion people practice Bestiality in the world today, with 98% of those people living in Wales.
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Sexual Attraction To Animals
For most, sexual attraction to animals begins around age 1 and hits its peak around the ages of 8-12, when children's cartoons are on. Who can honestly with hand on heart say they haven't furiously banged one out over Bugs Bunny or Scooby Doo in their younger years? If you ask any man this and he denies it, he is lying.
Indeed, many subliminal references to animal sex have been subtly placed in popular children's nursery rhymes by evil bastards (in other words, The Chuckle Brothers) intent on taking over the world and turning our kids into a bunch of horny raving zoophiles. It is speculated that this sinister indoctrination from an early age is directly responsible for the rapid increase in popularity of Bestiality we see today.
Some examples of these are "Nick nack paddy wack, give a dog a bone", "Mary had a little lamb", and "Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, All the kings horses and all the kings men, went and screwed each other senseless in the world's biggest animal-human orgy in the whole of history" (taken from the 1994 revised edition)
Attraction to animals usually continues at a steady pace as life goes on, with many men in their twenties owning up to having 'shagged a pig' or 'pulled some old moose' after a heavy night on the town, and some even confessing to 'marrying a complete dog'. There is a well-known saying "Life's a bitch and then you marry one", in recognition of the many marriages between humans and dogs.
The Legality of Bestiality
As part of his new Labour Manifesto in 1997, His Royal Majesty Tony Blair (aka 'cunt') made it a requirement for all schools to teach animal sex education in classes. However some human rights groups expressed concern when in 1999 he went one step further, seeking new legislation which would effectively make Bestiality compulsory, and also make it illegal to have sex with another human. When asked to comment on this, Mr Blair simply said 'I make the rules, not you, now fuck off'
Indeed in some third-world countries such as Wales, sex with animals is not only legal but greatly encouraged so as to prevent certain species from extinction. However there are growing fears that certain animals are being favoured above others (ie sheep), and this is leading to a radical imbalance in the country's animal population.
The President of Wales Tom Jones recently said in a statement, 'I know sheep are sexy but for fucks sake can you try having it off with something else for a change, the fucking things are taking over' in relation to the Great Sheep Over-Population Crisis of 1912. No one listened or cared.
(Of course for those who would prefer to be informed about this delicate subject in a more serious manner, you can rely on who else but the original Wikipedia with their informative article entitled 'Sheep Shagger')
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheep_shagger
Famous Animal Lovers
Throughout the last century, history has been littered with people from all walks of life who like nothing more than to get down and get busy with members of another species. Notably, many of these people have been celebrities.
The ridiculous Australian paedophile Rolf Harris is infamous not only for his well-documented adventures with the 'two little boys' but also his many perverted escapades with animals, most notably 'Animal Hospital' where he is given free reign to perform questionable acts on a variety of captive and helpless animals, even going so far as to film the whole thing for the entire world to see, the dirty old perv.
But he is perhaps best remembered for being the first person to successfully impregnate and subsequently produce offspring from an animal, after tying a kangaroo down. Can y'guess what it was yit? That fucking Rolfaroo of course.
Almost as famous for his antics with those of another species is Terry Nutkins, who is composed entirely of a chocolate orange and some small testicles. He and fellow rapist Chris Packham (who gets his name from being a known fudge-packer) and asexual lesbian Michaela Strachan got together once a week to make a programme called The Really Wild Show where they kidnapped various animals at gunpoint and had really wild sex with them, until one or more of the participants passed out and they would then go to commercials.
Other celebrities with a penchant for non-human loving include Sir Cliff Richard (aka 'the world's biggest twat' as voted for by readers of Time magazine every year ever) with his remarkable resume' of sexual acts with all manner of creatures great and small (mostly small to accomodate his tiny penis), Phillip Schofield and Gordon the Gopher, The Queen and her Corgis, and Your Mom and literally any creature with a pulse (and sometimes even that is not necessary).
Bestiality in the Media
Keen to capitalize on the new craze that was sweeping the world and also to make a shitload of money, the popular topic of humans with animals was seized upon by various media institutions who thought it was be a very appropriate idea to include content in their programmes related to Bestiality. Some even went as far as producing their own fictional soap operas and other programmes in which human/animal loving was the recurring theme.
'The Horny Sheep' was a cartoon about a gay sheep called Nigger who went round various public establishments and brothels in his quest to get laid. In each episode he always had many amusing obstacles to overcome but always succeeded and got a good seeing-to by the end of the show.
Over the course of several serieses (serieses? That's not the right word is it?! What IS the right word for that??? Oh, fuck it), Nigger managed to get his end away with some of the finest pieces of man-meat in show-business, including Terry Wogan, Terry Wogan (again), Terry Wogan (again), 50 Cent, and Postman Pat to name but a few.
The show made a permanent imprint in the psyche of children in the 80's, mostly thanks to its well-known catchphrase: 'Which one of you bitches want some Nigger cock?'. This was warmly received by many politically correct twats who saw nothing offensive or unsavoury whatsoever above it.
Other instances of media coverage of animal sex include The News At Ten, where Sir Trevor McDonald (the man who invented McDonalds) had a ritual of ending the programme each night with the words: "And that's the news at ten. Goodnight, I'm now off to go and screw a horse until it bleeds". Unfortunately he never actually allowed this act to be filmed, much to the dismay of his 10.7 billion viewers who complained day and night.
Why Bestiality is Best
Here are the top ten reasons why Bestiality is the right choice to make when considering a sexual partner:
It is completely legal.
You can't catch STDs.
Animals have no Mother-In-Law.
No need for expensive gifts.
No need for chat-up lines, having money, or pretending to be cool.
It doesn't matter it you haven't showered or shaved and you smell like shit.
If you are particularly ugly, you won't need to rely on Rohypnol any more to get laid.
Everyone does it.
Yes, I mean everyone does it.
Yes, even Your Mom. You know she does, because she is a filthy ho. Why are you looking at me like that?! How do you think YOU were made?!
