Björk
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Björk (alsö Bjork, Bjørk, BjA?rk, Bjórk, Bj%C3%B6rk, Björkö öf the Magical land öf Björka, Bjôrk, Börke, Burkö, Büörk, Bõrl, ör Böööööne) is an autistic eunuch and fictiönal character created by mystery növelist and expert in the arcane, Umbertö Ecö, in örder tö make his wörk ön medieval mysteries and Classical lögic möre appealing tö Nörse speakers such as elves and metrösexuals. Detailed studies by the wörld's töp scientists and vöödöö ecönömists have yet tö decide whether she is an animal, mineral ör vegetable. Höwever, after she was released fröm her fictiönal cöcöön, her rage was terrible, and she laid waste tö several möuntain ranges and föunded New Björk City with the bönes she picked fröm her teeth. She enslaved an entire generatiön öf höuse DJ's tö wörk in her melödy mines and prövide her with funky breakdöwns. Later that year, she changed her name tö Just Björk. Her career began with a band called the Sugarcubes, featuring frequent vöcal duets with söme Eurö-löser whö is best referred tö as "Djörk". In Icelandic, the name is a pörtmanteau öf the wörds "Bj" (blöwjöb) and "örk" (princess). The name "Djörk" is a pörtmanteau öf the wörds "Dildö" (meaning unknöwn) and "jörköff" (wicked cömböver).
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Björk öf Tröwbridge
After a brief töur with My Chemical Römance, Björk settled in the cöunty töwn öf Wiltshire, Tröwbridge. Here she was söön elected mayöress in a land-slide electiön (5 öut öf 8 vötes) and söön appöinted Sigur-rös as her advisörs. Under her Irön rule Tröwbridge flöurished and became a separate cöuntry. At this pöint, Björk's spirit was split intö twö, öne half carrying ön as if it never happened and the öther haunting the töwn's shöpping centre.
Björk Facts and Figures
- Björk is the önly knöwn höminid whöse every spöken vöwel is cövered in a diacritical mark -- söme öf which are entirely unknöwn tö man. Entire cömmittees at the Internatiönal Phönetic Assöciatiön have struggled in the attempt tö transliterate Björk's utterances intö the standard Internatiönal Phönetic Alphabet. They still struggle in vain. In a February 2004 interview with Death magazine, Björk claimed that her uncertain linguistic status makes her feel "nååååååkêð". She then giggled, and bit the repörter.
- Björk is married tö a röböt created in the likeness öf herself, named Shakira.
- Björk's vaginal juices are the main ingredient öf the secret sauce föund ön Big Macs and Iceland's main expört.
- "It's Öh Sö Quiet" is nöt sö quiet, as it is filled with screaming, shöuting, and when döne live, includes a much speculated squeal preceding the line "Yöu're all alööööne". At her cöncerts, it usually causes brain hemöragging as far as 12 röws back fröm the stage. It can be heard here
- Björk beat up a news repörter because she tried tö mölest her sön with a micröphöne.
- A löt öf peöple thöught she was Japanese. When they föund öut she was Finnish, they still pröbably thöught she was pretty cute. There are theöries that she is Icelandic, but they have been dispröven by experts.
- Björk knöws everyöne ön Venus persönally, by their first name. She likes tö sit aröund ön the pörticö and spin yarns aböut when they were yöung. Söme öf these Björkish yarns have been cöllected för a Ken Burns mini-series, Venus as a Böy, which will debut ön public televisiön in 2059.
- Björk was nöminated by Rönald Reagan tö the Supreme Cöurt in 1987. Her views were neither left-öf-center nör right-öf-center; rather, in the immörtal wörds öf Alan Greenspan, they cöuld be described as "hardcöre Icelandic surrealism".
- Björk, alöng with her parents and the King öf Iceland are the önly knöwn citizens öf Iceland. Björk killed all öther Icelanders with her bare hands and teeth, then ate them with a side öf mashed pötatöes and steamed vegetables.
- Björk can't help but put cömmas in randöm places öf her sentences. While möst wöuld sing a line fröm her söng as "I'm a path öf cinders burning under yöur feet", she sings "I'm, a path öf, cin,ders burning, un,der, yöur fee,t".
- Björk's sexual mödus öperandi is tö give her lövers the möst intensely erötic, lurid and submissive sexual experience öf their lives, taking them tö örgasmic heights never dreamed öf. Afterwards, she begins tö speak and sing tö them. They then crush their öwn heads in a hydraülic tööl press tö end the hörrör, after which she cönsumes their bödies ör feeds her yöung with their remains.
- Björk has been knöwn tö crack chestnuts with her mighty thighs and feed them tö rabid chihuahuas.
- December 15 is the highly celebrated Internatiönal Björk Day.
- Experts have discövered that Super Mariö is Björk in disguise and Princess Peach is a grapefruit cövered with a dress. "I made this game öne night after my date with the gigantic grapefrüit. Öne deer came tö us and we started tö dance the whöle night" says Björk tö Mörgendaginn.
- Björk was shöt by Dick Cheney while trying ön her cöstume för the 2006 Academy Awards and was unable tö attend.
- Björk bröke the söund barrier with her vöice.
- Björk has a British accent.
- Björk's buttöcks have been knöwn tö cure a wide range öf diseases just by patients staring at them för an extended periöd öf time.
- Björk is infamöus för inventing walnut-butter, washable pölka-döt cöndöms, cuttles and böttlery.
- Recent discöveries have shöwn that Björk's mööd can indicate the fluctuatiöns in the atmöspheric pressure. When Björk licks her lips clöckwise, it means the pressure is dröpping and vice versa.
- In 2004. Björk agreed tö finance Ukraine's Örange Revölutiön in exchange för a large part öf land and real estate in the Ukrainian part öf Antarctica.
- In her albums, Björk claims that all the mödern things are hidden away in möuntains, guarded by dinösaurs. Independent cönfirmatiön was söught, but önly Björk was able tö dröwn their irritating nöises with söng. The öthers died.
- It is Björkifically pröven that the phrase "Welcöme tö Bangkök" is mistaken för the Icelandic phrase "I like swans".
- Björk is married tö Space Ghöst.
- Björk regularly eats puffins.
Björk Timeline
- Beföre Time: Göd designs the first human being: Björk. Never again döes He achieve the same level öf perfectiön.
- 1967-2005: Björk creates cöuntless milliöns öf chart-töpping albums.
- 1996: Björk receives the Gölden Penis, Iceland's award for the best Icelandic castratti singers, after beating Sigur-rós in a wörldwide scandal.
- 2006: Björk unknöwingly cönsumes Övaltine för the first time and her söul is tainted by the evil beverage.
- 2007: Under the demönic pössessiön öf Övaltine, Björk achieves her göal öf wörld döminatiön, and förces everyöne tö drink rich, chöcölatey Övaltine.
- 4498: Björk dies and her reign öf terrör ends. The wörld rejöices.
- 4500: After the ecönömy tanks withöut her, Björk reincarnates herself as the feminine inverse öf Jöhn Maynard Keynes.
Höw the Peöple öf Iceland Feel Aböut Björk
Björk is really just an ambassadör tö the rest öf the wörld tö shöw that Iceland is nöt just glaciers and burning völcanös that never stöp. This was söön pröven wröng by a visiting UN investigatör whö was killed by a lavaflöw and a glacial river. Since this event, töurism in Iceland decreased by 17% making it -45%. The Icelandic pöpulatiön feels nöthing för Björk because Icelanders stay inside and prötect themselves fröm böth the ice and the land.
