Changing Ryaconning
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{Opening Sequence}
JOEL: We've got to find out who Evil is. If it's Elly, spankings are in order...
{Phil smiles happily.}
JOEL: With this! {Joel holds up a spiked club, and Phil looks shocked}
CASSIDY: Can we talk alone, Phil? Seriously? I have some concerns.
JOEL: Concern yourself with my FIST! {Joel punches Cassidy so hard that she's sent flying}
PHIL: Joel! What the hell is wrong with you!?
JOEL: What? Everyone's a fair target for violence. Besides, you were doing stupid crap to them last week.
PHIL: When I do it it's zany, when you do it it just feels wrong, like eating a baby.
JOEL: Yeah, with like, chocolate and whipped cream. {Phil looks downright mortified}
{cut to Rya sitting on the couch}
RYA: I am so tired of putting up with robot crap every season. I am always shut down. People pull pranks and write mean insults on my head. If only I could become human.
{Camera pans out to June, who grows devil horns and smirks evilly}
JUNE: You know, Rya, there is a way to escape your robotic status.
RYA: What's that, Girl-Who-Claims-She's-Not-A-Robot-But-Pretended-To-Be-Like-One-in-Earlier-Episodes-for-Sympathy?
JUNE: Mind if I smoke?
{June scrapes a match up Rya's arm and uses it to light a cigarette, which she quickly puts out in Rya's right eye.}
JUNE: Now, if a chip was put into you, you would become human. The chip would be the only robotic side of you.
RYA: But who could make me a human?
JUNE: Nobody. I just wanted to give you a fleeting dream.
RYA: Oh, snizzle. I've just been Rya'd.
{A logo for "I've Just Been RYAD! - Coming to UPN" pops up with a "boing" sound effect. We then cut back to Joel and Phil}
PHIL: Sorry for dissappearing conveniently during that other conversation that was just going on, thus holding our current conversation, which can now resume.
JOEL: Dude, where have you been? We absolutely cannot get sidetracked.
{One accidental ice cream truck accident later}
{Phil is now slightly fatter, and Joel has a big potbelly}
JOEL: Okay, seriously. We can't get sidetracked.
{June pops up}
JUNE: Picnic time!
JOEL: Picnic time?
PHIL: Picnic time?!
{Cut to Joel and Phil standing in the kitchen next to two jars of peanut butter}
PHIL: What jar of peanut butter should we bring?
JOEL: Let's bring 'em all!
{Cut to Rya standing outside George Lucas's house}
RYA: I need your help, George Lucas. You should have much robot experience.
GEORGE LUCAS: Greetings, um, I'm quaint to make your pleasure. I mean, pleasure to... I... I want you to become my Twi'lekian Princess.
RYA: What?
GEORGE LUCAS: Sorry, lonely nights at Skywalker Ranch.
RYA: I'm not sure you'd be able to handle my spiky genitals of death.
GEORGE LUCAS: I love a good challenge. Anyway, what can I do you for?
RYA: First of all, who names their studio after a fictional space farm? Second, I need to become a woman. A real one. Not this horrible mass of metal and corpse-flesh that binds me to serving out goth-girl one-liners every week.
GEORGE LUCAS: I'm afraid that's out of my area of expertise, but I'm still available for that opening... um, in your shirt.
RYA: It's been filled. With... nevermind.
GEORGE LUCAS: Please teach me to love!
{Rya's left arm transforms into a cannon, and blasts George Lucas into his house.}
{Cut to Elly's Bar, Phil sits at the counter}
ELLY: Evil's back!? That scallion rapper!
PHIL: Yeah, well, I mean, you're it. So, I would think you'd know.
ELLY: What are you talking about? McCloud was Evil.
PHIL: Oh right
{Cut to Rya walking down the street}
RYA: That's just great, I'll never get out of here.
{Rya stops in front of Andrew}
ANDREW: I heard you want to become human. So human, that you're human enough. To marry Phil or Craig.
RYA: I WILL KILL YOU FOR SAYING THAT!
ANDREW: Don't count me out too soon. I found a few toys in Joel's laboratory.
{Rya's hair turns blonde, her eyes turn blue and her shirt turns pink}
RYA: What in the world of Hell is this?
ANDREW: A small sampler. Just let me install this chip and you'll get everything that's coming to you.
RYA: You have the chip? Wow... you're not so random after all.
ANDREW: Don't think about that. Think about all the damage you'll be able to cause as a human!
RYA: I don't want to cause damage! I just want to live a real human life, and not have friends that take me for just some dumb robot!
ANDREW: Are you saying there are character lovers and haters in Bonus Stage?
JESSICA: I love Phil!
STOMACH KING: I hate Joel!
CRAIG: I love... shopping.
SLIM: I hate Evil!
JUNE: I love Joel!
BIG FAT GUY: I'M BIG FAT GUY!
{Big Fat Guy body-slams them all}
{The camera cuts to Joel and Phil. Phil has several bruises on his face, and Big Fat Guy can be seen in the background}
JOEL: Well, I got no leads.
PHIL: I've got a few theories, but most of them involve this toaster. {he holds up a toaster} Just look at it! Calculating. Controlled. A lone gunman of fury! {toast pops out of the toaster} AAH! THE MACHINES ARE RISING UP AGAINST US!
{A cloaked figure appears}
CLOAKED FIGURE: How are you, gentlemen?
JOEL: Well, we get signal.
PHIL: Who are you?
CLOAKED FIGURE: I'm... your worst nightmare!
{The figure seemingly teleports around, and starts slapping Joel around. Joel attempts to kick the Cloaked Figure, but it pounds him into the ground. Phil forms a green barrier around himself, which the figure breaks in a few punches. He punches Phil to the ground, and then rapidly slaps him before punching Phil's head into the ground}
JOEL: What is this thing? Phil? {Joel stands over Phil} Uh, are you okay?
{Cut to Phil dressed as a strip of bacon on a poorly drawn background with two poorly-drawn children tilting back and forth as he sings}
THE BACON MAN: {singing} I am the bacon man, bring all the pork I can, to all the little kids down the row. Clogging their arteries, with all the MSG's, and they'll all die at the age of eight!
{Cut back to Joel}
JOEL: Who knew that near-death delirium could be so catchy?
{Cut to June, Rya, and Andrew in Joel's lab}
JUNE: I feel I should warn you. Even though Joel and Phil are human, they're still just virtual manifestations here. You'd be the first real human in a simulated environment.
RYA: And I should warn you that no one has ever really listened to a word you've said. And that tradition is not about to be broken.
ANDREW: Does anyone have a rubber band, because OH SNAP!
{June pulls on Rya's eye and lets go, which makes it smack into Andrew's face.}
{Cut to Joel falling on the ground outside}
JOEL: Ow! Keep this up, and I am seriously going to tell an IR cop to K-line you.
CLOAKED FIGURE: You fight well. Killing you two would be too honorable. There's no fun in a mercy killing!
JOEL: What if I were to throw the 'Your Mom' card onto the table, possibly with a 'So Dumb' stat booster?
{Cut to the inside of Phil's house, where human Rya is.}
ANDREW: Wow, she looks...exactly the same.
{Rya walks outside, and sees Phil. She runs up to Phil.}
I AM A BARE!
