Changing Fickle Nickel

From Bsfwiki

[edit] Transcript

{Opening Credits}

{Cut to Phil, standing by a window of the eShip. He soon presses his face against it with excitement.}

PHIL: Wow, look at that planet! {Cut to Phil standing from another angle. He jumps into the air and points to the right.} Hey, look over there! {Cut to Phil looking surprised in front of a blue background.} Wow, that place is cool! {Cut to Phil with a distortedly large head pointing to the right.} Space Dinosaurs! {Cut to Phil pointing, from a low angle.} Planet Jackers! {Cut to a close-up on Phil's face.} SWEET! {Close-up on Phil's eyes.} AWESOME! {Extreme close-up on Phil's eyes.} RADICAL! {Cut to Phil's eyes, mouth, head outline and hair in various corners of a flesh-colored back ground.} THE BOMB! {Cut to Phil standing next to Joel by the control console of the eShip. There's an entirely blue planet shown from the window.} Okay, I'm bored of space, now that we've seen everything in it.

JOEL: Actually, it was Earth all along.

PHIL: No, I distinctly remember crashing into several planets that didn't even remotely-

JOEL: It was Earth all along.

{Cut to a close-up on Phil}

PHIL: Uh, I-we clearly did not-

{Cut to a close-up on Joel}

JOEL: It was Earth all along.

{Cut back to Phil, now with an angry look on his face.}

PHIL: Joel!

{Cut back to Joel.}

JOEL: {Really deep voice} It was Earth all a...{Cut to the initial view of the two.} {High-pitched voice}...long.

{Cut to a closer view of Phil, who know has his hand raised.}

PHIL: Whatever, that planet is clearly {Phil waves his hand downward.} not Earth and you're a moron, as usual.

JOEL: I owe it all {Joel holds up a nickel.} to my lucky nickel.

{Cut out to the initial view of Joel, still holding the nickel, and Phil}

PHIL: You have a good luck charm?

JOEL: Well, I've had it with me since day one. All the good luck we have is because of this baby. Yep, all good. Never before have had we bad. Complete vertical ascent.

{Cut to a frontal view of Phil.}

PHIL: C-can I have that nickel?

{Cut to a close-up of Joel, who clasps his nickel in his hand.}

JOEL: Why should I let you have it, you torpod?

{Cut to Joel and a wide-eyed Phil with his hand out standing in another portion of the eShip.}

PHIL: Why can't you trust me like you trust everyone else?

JOEL: Oh, all right.

{Joel hands Phil the nickel and Phil tosses it into a container, marked "TRASH CHUTE".}

PHIL: That's why you can't trust me! Stick that in your pooper!

{Cut to a close-up of Joel.}

JOEL: Man, you have been filled with douche juice for the past several weeks.

{Cut to a close-up of Phil.}

PHIL: Well, I'm getting sick of being cooped up in here with you, going on these inane, poorly-paced adventures. But now that I've eliminated your jinx,{Phil closes his eyes, holds up his hand and grins.} that will finally come to an end.

{Cut to the outside of the eShip. Sad music plays as the nickel floats over towards the screen, and continues floating off. We cut back to the eShip, as its engines seem to turn off. Seconds later, the ship starts falling towards the nearby planet. Cut back to a shocked Phil and Joel, who stand there as an alarm starts sounding.}

JOEL: You should be more specific about what you mean by "end". I would've prefered the rump...dump.

{Cut back to the eShip which is continually falling towards the planet, as dramatic music plays in the background. Cut to the inside of the ship, where Joel stands there, looking shocked, with his arms in the air.}

JOEL: Quick! Push the buttons! Pull some levers!

{Phil pops into view.}

PHIL: I can't! There aren't any! This is just a poorly-detailed background.

{Joel leans down and holds up a game box.}

JOEL: It's a shame that our rated T-for-Teen first-person shooter hasn't come out yet.

{Cut to silhouettes of Joel and Phil looking out the window at the nearby planet.}

JOEL: It's a good thing this nearby planet is made entirely out of water. {The outside of the ship starts burning.} Oh, right, the entry, with the burning and the death...

{Cut to Phil and Joel holding each other in front of a dark red background.}

PHIL: Joel, there's something I've always wanted to tell you.

JOEL: Yeah, Phil?

PHIL: You're ugly and no one will ever love you.

JOEL: Oh.

{Cut to the watery surface of the planet. The eShip crashes through it, forming a huge splash. The eShip continues downward, compacting as it moves deeper and deeper underwater. Cut to one of the hatches of the eShip, as all of the rivets are pushed out of their spots by water. Cut to Phil, Joel, Jessica and Mr. Malice all standing together in a room. The room compacts once, to their surprise. It soon compacts two more times, cramming the four into a small space.}

JOEL: I have to pee.

PHIL: Please don't.

JOEL: We're already in the ocean, it's the perfect crime.

{Cut to Elly's bedroom, where she is laying down, in pajamas and without her glasses and beanie cap. She soon awakens, sits up and we move to a close-up on her face.}

ELLY: Joel...senses...SPARKLING! {Cut to a further view of Elly, whose hair is on fire.} Oh, wait. It's just my hair on fire. {Brief pause.} It'll go out eventually.

{Cut to the other side of her room. Andrew jumps in the room and points at Elly.}

ANDREW: I heard the commotion from the treebranch. What's going on?

{Cut to another view of the room, with Andrew standing there, as Elly (in her usual attire, minus her beanie cap and blue overshirt) walks on-screen.}

ELLY: Something tells me that Joel is in danger. {Cut to a slight close-up on Elly, now with her beanie cap and overshirt.} Round up the neighborhood. {Cut to an even bigger close-up on Elly, now in a dull purple pullover.} It's time to go to war!

{Cut back to the initial view, Elly still in her pullover and pink and white mittens.}

ANDREW: I don't actually live here.

{Cut back to Joel and Phil, standing waist depp in water}

PHIL: What's the status on life-support machines?

JOEL: What're those?

{Phil puts his hand against his head in frustration.}

PHIL: They're the systems... {Phil lowers his arm and has a look of anger on his face.} that support life!

{Cut to a close-up on Joel, who is pointing upward with his eyes closed.}

JOEL: I don't install machinery with political bias, thank you.

{Cut to a close-up on Phil.}

PHIL: All right, so far no one's out of character. That's good. {Pan over to the left slightly.} Computer that we never had before, {A computer monitor lowers into frame.} analyze planet for information.

{The word "ANALYSING..." appears on the computer screen in bright green block letters.}

COMPUTER: Planet Hydrox: no land masses above the surface. Traces of encrypted technology.

{Cut to Phil and Joel staring at the computer.}

PHIL: That's weird.

JOEL: I know. Hydrox. What's next, Planet Tab? Planet President's Choice?

PHIL: Computer, send Joel to the Crazy Maze!

{A claw lowers on-screen, grabs Joel by the head and lifts him off-screen.}

JOEL: Sweet! I'm gonna beat my personal record today.

{Cut to Elly standing in the neighborhood, in front of an easel.}

ELLY: Alright, gentlemen. {Elly raises a pointer.} Less than fifteen lines of dialouge ago, Joel's ship went missing. {Cut to Elly's drawing of space, which has the pointer on one planet.} Probably here, next to this doodle of Master Chief as a gay cowboy.

{Cut back to the neighborhood. Craig is now standing next to Elly, as she leans towards the drawing.}

CRAIG: Is that map to scale?

ELLY: Yes. Space is exactly this big.

{Brad leaps into the air and points at Elly.}

BRAD: I'm not going out on some adventure unless there's hot space vixens.

{Elly turns back around and reaches upward, off-screen.}

ELLY: The only space woman in the entire universe is {Elly pulls down a picture of a squid-headed, purple, three-armed woman with glasses.} Gladys {Elly makes various sucking and slurping noises.}-man. {Elly squints.} She's 45.

BRAD: That's fine.

{Cut back to the eShip, where Rya is standing behind Jessica.}

JESSICA: Rya appears dysfunctional.

RYA: What are y-?

{Jessica hits Rya in the head with a hammer.}

JESSICA: Better put her in the closet.

{Cut to Phil, standing at another point of the eShip.}

PHIL: Good eye.

{Jessica walks on-screen.}

JESSICA: Did you just say, "g'day"?

PHIL: No, I said "good eye". GOOD EYE...mate. If this planet has technology, then it either has civilization or was abandoned.

JESSICA: Either way, we could something to repair the ship.

{Start zooming in on Phil.}

PHIL: I think we'll find more than that. We'll find hope and dreams there. And friendship along the way.

{Cut to an anime-style Phil running in stereotypical anime fashion.}

SINGER: Bonus Stage is about best friends, the friendship's always best! {Cut to a side-view of the anime-style Phil.} And if we stay together, {cut to a close-up on anime Phil's eyes.} they will become the best!

{Cut back to Phil, still with anime-style eyes and Jessica.}

JESSICA: Probably just find corpses.

{Cut to Elly holding the eShip's blueprint.}

ELLY: All right, I followed Joel's blueprints to the letter, and even though I'm not trained in the engineering field in any way, it should look exactly the same. {Elly lowers the blueprints, to reveal a perfect replica of the eShip.} Amazing! {Zoom out to show that the eShip was on a computer monitor and the ship she built looks nothing like the eShip.} Too bad that was just a computer mock-up and the real thing's a piece of crap. {One of Elly's ship's legs falls off.} Oh, well. Are you coming, loser?

{Andrew pops into view, upside-down, from the top of the screen.}

{Yo yo mom pops up before Andrew can respond.}

YO YO MOM: NO!

(Yo yo mom sends Andrew to hell.)

{Cut to Joel standing by the exit of the eShip.}

JOEL: You're not going to believe this, but the water out there is actually breathable!

{Phil pops into view.}

PHIL: Seriously?

{Phil jumps out and explodes.}

JOEL: No.

{End Credits}