Changing Ryaconning

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{Opening Sequence}

JOEL: We've got to find out who Evil is. If it's Elly, spankings are in order...

{Phil smiles happily.}

JOEL: With this! {Joel holds up a spiked club, and Phil looks shocked}

CASSIDY: Can we talk alone, Phil? Seriously? I have some concerns.

JOEL: Concern yourself with my FIST! {Joel punches Cassidy so hard that she's sent flying}

PHIL: Joel! What the hell is wrong with you!?

JOEL: What? Everyone's a fair target for violence. Besides, you were doing stupid crap to them last week.

PHIL: When I do it it's zany, when you do it it just feels wrong, like eating a baby.

JOEL: Yeah, with like, chocolate and whipped cream. {Phil looks downright mortified}

{cut to Rya sitting on the couch}

RYA: I am so tired of putting up with robot crap every season. I am always shut down. People pull pranks and write mean insults on my head. If only I could become human.

{Camera pans out to June, who grows devil horns and smirks evilly}

JUNE: You know, Rya, there is a way to escape your robotic status.

RYA: What's that, Girl-Who-Claims-She's-Not-A-Robot-But-Pretended-To-Be-Like-One-in-Earlier-Episodes-for-Sympathy?

JUNE: Mind if I smoke?

{June scrapes a match up Rya's arm and uses it to light a cigarette, which she quickly puts out in Rya's right eye.}

JUNE: Now, if a chip was put into you, you would become human. The chip would be the only robotic side of you.

RYA: But who could make me a human?

JUNE: Nobody. I just wanted to give you a fleeting dream.

RYA: Oh, snizzle. I've just been Rya'd.

{A logo for "I've Just Been RYAD! - Coming to UPN" pops up with a "boing" sound effect. We then cut back to Joel and Phil}

PHIL: Sorry for dissappearing conveniently during that other conversation that was just going on, thus holding our current conversation, which can now resume.

JOEL: Dude, where have you been? We absolutely cannot get sidetracked.

{One accidental ice cream truck accident later}

{Phil is now slightly fatter, and Joel has a big potbelly}

JOEL: Okay, seriously. We can't get sidetracked.

{June pops up}

JUNE: Picnic time!

JOEL: Picnic time?

PHIL: Picnic time?!

{Cut to Joel and Phil standing in the kitchen next to two jars of peanut butter}

PHIL: What jar of peanut butter should we bring?

JOEL: Let's bring 'em all!

{Cut to Rya standing outside George Lucas's house}

RYA: I need your help, George Lucas. You should have much robot experience.

GEORGE LUCAS: Greetings, um, I'm quaint to make your pleasure. I mean, pleasure to... I... I want you to become my Twi'lekian Princess.

RYA: What?

GEORGE LUCAS: Sorry, lonely nights at Skywalker Ranch.

RYA: I'm not sure you'd be able to handle my spiky genitals of death.

GEORGE LUCAS: I love a good challenge. Anyway, what can I do you for?

RYA: First of all, who names their studio after a fictional space farm? Second, I need to become a woman. A real one. Not this horrible mass of metal and corpse-flesh that binds me to serving out goth-girl one-liners every week.

GEORGE LUCAS: I'm afraid that's out of my area of expertise, but I'm still available for that opening... um, in your shirt.

RYA: It's been filled. With... nevermind.

GEORGE LUCAS: Please teach me to love!

{Rya's left arm transforms into a cannon, and blasts George Lucas into his house.}

{Cut to Elly's Bar, Phil sits at the counter}

ELLY: Evil's back!? That scallion rapper!

PHIL: Yeah, well, I mean, you're it. So, I would think you'd know.

ELLY: I'm not Evil. I'm a delicate waif. A vanilla waif.

PHIL: Look, denial is hurtful. It sure hurt me when I was in high school.

{Cut to a teenage Phil with square glasses in a school hallway.}

PHIL: I'll show everyone! I'll get a real job! I'll get away from that obnoxious friend of mine! And I won't allow my mother to be transformed by one of his experments to be romanced!

{Camera pans out, revealing a very short teenage Joel standing next to Phil}

JOEL: What a strangely specific pledge!

{Cut back to the bar}

PHIL: Wait, I went to high school during Bonus Stage?

ELLY: Phil, I swear Evil is someone else! I'm over doing rotten things to people. It was just a phase!

PHIL: I believe you. Any other phases you're over?

ELLY: Well, I'm not over hitting on people...

{Phil leans towards Elly, who pulls out a gun and hits Phil}

PHIL: Ow! I see you were being liter-

{Elly smacks Phil over the head with Joel's bat covered in Spike's}

PHIL: Ow! Yes, I understa-

{Elly smacks Phil over the head with Blakken White}

PHIL: Ow! Great, now I can't see colors!

{Elly smacks Phil over the head with a hammer}

PHIL: {high pitched} My name is Latrine!

{Cut to Rya walking down the street}

RYA: That's just great, I'll never get out of here.

{Rya stops in front of Andrew}

ANDREW: I heard you want to become human. So human, that you're human enough. To marry Phil or Craig.

RYA: I WILL KILL YOU FOR SAYING THAT!

ANDREW: Don't count me out too soon. I found a few toys in Joel's laboratory.

{Rya's hair turns blonde, her eyes turn blue and her shirt turns pink}

RYA: What in the world of Hell is this?

ANDREW: A small sampler. Just let me install this chip and you'll get everything that's coming to you.

RYA: You have the chip? Wow... you're not so random after all.

ANDREW: Don't think about that. Think about all the damage you'll be able to cause as a human!

RYA: I don't want to cause damage! I just want to live a real human life, and not have friends that take me for just some dumb robot!

ANDREW: Are you saying there are character lovers and haters in Bonus Stage?

JESSICA: I love Phil!

STOMACH KING: I hate Joel!

CRAIG: I love... shopping.

SLIM: I hate Evil!

JUNE: I love Joel!

BIG FAT GUY: I'M BIG FAT GUY!

{Big Fat Guy body-slams them all}

{The camera cuts to Joel and Phil. Phil has several bruises on his face, and Big Fat Guy can be seen in the background}

JOEL: Well, I got no leads.

PHIL: I've got a few theories, but most of them involve this toaster. {he holds up a toaster} Just look at it! Calculating. Controlled. A lone gunman of fury! {toast pops out of the toaster} AAH! THE MACHINES ARE RISING UP AGAINST US!

{A cloaked figure appears}

CLOAKED FIGURE: How are you, gentlemen?

JOEL: Well, we get signal.

PHIL: Who are you?

CLOAKED FIGURE: I'm... your worst nightmare!

{The figure seemingly teleports around, and starts slapping Joel around. Joel attempts to kick the Cloaked Figure, but it pounds him into the ground. Phil forms a green barrier around himself, which the figure breaks in a few punches. He punches Phil to the ground, and then rapidly slaps him before punching Phil's head into the ground}

JOEL: What is this thing? Phil? {Joel stands over Phil} Uh, are you okay?

{Cut to Phil dressed as a strip of bacon on a poorly drawn background with two poorly-drawn children tilting back and forth as he sings}

THE BACON MAN: {singing} I am the bacon man, bring all the pork I can, to all the little kids down the row. Clogging their arteries, with all the MSG's, and they'll all die at the age of eight!

{Cut back to Joel}

JOEL: Who knew that near-death delirium could be so catchy?

{Cut to June, Rya, and Andrew in Joel's lab}

JUNE: I feel I should warn you. Even though Joel and Phil are human, they're still just virtual manifestations here. You'd be the first real human in a simulated environment.

RYA: And I should warn you that no one has ever really listened to a word you've said. And that tradition is not about to be broken.

ANDREW: Does anyone have a rubber band, because OH SNAP!

{June pulls on Rya's eye and lets go, which makes it smack into Andrew's face.}

{Cut to Joel falling on the ground outside}

JOEL: Ow! Keep this up, and I am seriously going to tell an IR cop to K-line you.

CLOAKED FIGURE: You fight well. Killing you two would be too honorable. There's no fun in a mercy killing!

JOEL: What if I were to throw the 'Your Mom' card onto the table, possibly with a 'So Dumb' stat booster?

{Cut to the inside of Phil's house, where human Rya is.}

ANDREW: Wow, she looks...exactly the same.

{Rya walks outside, and sees Phil. She runs up to Phil.}

RYA: PHIL! I MUST TELL YOU SOMETHING!

PHIL: Rya... human... Cloaked Figure...

{Phil has a flashback of Fission Mailed}

FUTURE PHIL: Sadly... Rya will turn into a human, then die forever.

PAST PHIL: I can't have that happen!

FUTURE PHIL: Well... if you ever see a cloaked figure in episode 79, kill him, and be sure to take his dagger away.

{End of flashback}

PHIL: No! This can't happen!

{Phil gets out an axe, and runs up behigned Cloaked Figure, who is standing right in front of Rya with a knife in his hand. Phil holds up the axe, and chops Cloaked Figure.}

RYA: Phil... you knew I was about to die?!

PHIL: Yes, Rya. I did. You were about to die forever. I was told a long time ago what you were built for, and what will happen to you. I had to always be on the look out for this, then kill Cloaked Figure.

RYA: Wow... after everything I've done to you. Phil, I owe you. I am never going to be mean to you. I will change.

PHIL: Thank you, Rya.

JOEL: Wow... Rya... changed.

{Cut to Phil's House}

JOEL: Well, now we have another threat to worry about: Evil, and Cloaked Figure. We must protect Rya.

PHIL: That won't be a problem. We're aware of what to do. Rya will always be safe.

JOEL: Well... someone must die. At least until the next episode.

{Phil's head explodes}

JOEL: Told ya.

{Joel's head explodes}

{ending credits}