Changing Ryaconning

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Revision as of 20:44, 16 August 2006

Transcript

{Opening Sequence}

JOEL: We've got to find out who Evil is. If it's Elly, spankings are in order...

{Phil smiles happily.}

JOEL: With this! {Joel holds up a spiked club, and Phil looks shocked}

CASSIDY: Can we talk alone, Phil? Seriously? I have some concerns.

JOEL: Concern yourself with my FIST! {Joel punches Cassidy so hard that she's sent flying}

PHIL: Joel! What the hell is wrong with you!?

JOEL: What? Everyone's a fair target for violence. Besides, you were doing stupid crap to them last week.

PHIL: When I do it it's zany, when you do it it just feels wrong, like eating a baby.

JOEL: Yeah, with like, chocolate and whipped cream. {Phil looks downright mortified}

{cut to Rya sitting on the couch}

RYA: I've got to get out of this meaningless limbo, surrounded by TV show archaetypes and questionable story lines.

{Camera pans out to June, who grows devil horns and smirks evilly}

JUNE: You know, Rya, there is a way to escape the virtual world.

RYA: What's that, Girl-Who-Claims-She's-Not-A-Robot-But-Pretended-To-Be-Like-One-in-Earlier-Episodes-for-Sympathy?

JUNE: Mind if I smoke?

{June scrapes a match up Rya's arm and uses it to light a cigarette, which she quickly puts out in Rya's right eye.}

JUNE: Now, if you were a human, you could exit out of one of several escape doors built around the city. They were put there in the event of a blackout or system failure so Joel could perform maintenance.

RYA: But who could make me a human?

JUNE: Nobody. I just wanted to give you a fleeting dream.

RYA: Oh, snizzle. I've just been Rya'd.

{A logo for "I've Just Been RYAD! - Coming to UPN" pops up with a "boing" sound effect. We then cut back to Joel and Phil}

PHIL: Sorry for dissappearing conveniently during that other conversation that was just going on, thus holding our current conversation, which can now resume.

JOEL: Dude, where have you been? We absolutely cannot get sidetracked.

{One accidental ice cream truck accident later}

{Phil is now slightly fatter, and Joel has a big potbelly}

JOEL: Okay, seriously. We can't get sidetracked.

{June pops up}

JUNE: Picnic time!

JOEL: Picnic time?

PHIL: Picnic time?!

{Cut to Joel and Phil standing in the kitchen next to two jars of peanut butter}

PHIL: What jar of peanut butter should we bring?

JOEL: Let's bring 'em all!

{Cut to Rya standing outside George Lucas's house}

RYA: I need your help, George Lucas. You're some sort of...final...opportunity.

GEORGE LUCAS: Greetings, um, I'm quaint to make your pleasure. I mean, pleasure to... I... I want you to become my Twi'lekian Princess.

RYA: What?

GEORGE LUCAS: Sorry, lonely nights at Skywalker Ranch.

RYA: I'm not sure you'd be able to handle my spiky genitals of death.

GEORGE LUCAS: I love a good challenge. Anyway, what can I do you for?

RYA: First of all, who names their studio after a fictional space farm? Second, I need to become a woman. A real one. Not this horrible mass of metal and corpse-flesh that binds me to serving out goth-girl one-liners every week.

GEORGE LUCAS: I'm afraid that's out of my area of expertise, but I'm still available for that opening... um, in your pants.

RYA: It's been filled. With burrowing termites.

GEORGE LUCAS: Please teach me to love!

{Cut to Elly's Bar, Phil sits at the counter}

ELLY: Evil's back!? That scallion rapper!

PHIL: Yeah, well, I mean, you're it. So, I would think you'd know.

ELLY: I'm not Evil. I'm a delicate waif. A vanilla waif.

PHIL: Look, denial is hurtful. It sure hurt me when I was in high school.

{Cut to a teenage Phil with square glasses in a school hallway.}

PHIL: I'll show everyone! I'll get a real job! I'll get away from that obnoxious friend of mine! And I won't allow my mother to be transformed by one of his experments to be romanced!

{Camera pans out, revealing a very short teenage Joel standing next to Phil}

JOEL: What a strangely specific pledge!

{Cut back to the bar}

PHIL: Wait, I went to high school during Bonus Stage?

ELLY: Phil, I swear Evil is someone else! I'm over doing rotten things to people. It was just a phase!

PHIL: I believe you. Any other phases you're over?

ELLY: Well, I'm not over hitting on people...

{Phil leans towards Elly, who pulls out a pair of Hulk Hands and hits Phil}

PHIL: Ow! I see you were being liter-

{Elly smacks Phil over the head with a garden gnome}

PHIL: Ow! Yes, I understa-

{Elly smacks Phil over the head with Treelor}

PHIL: Ow! Great, now I can't see colors!

{Elly smacks Phil over the head with a golf club}

PHIL: {high pitched} My name is Barbara!

{Cut to Rya walking down the street}

RYA: That's just great, {rapper voice} YO! {normal voice} I'll never get out of here.

{Rya stops in front of Andrew}

ANDREW: I heard you want to become human. So human, that you're too human...for X-Box 360.

RYA: What a hilarious joke. You'll fit in with the other pop-culture zombies that starve themselves on the brain matter of Hollywood.

ANDREW: Don't count me out too soon. I found a few toys in Joel's laboratory.

{Rya's hair turns blonde, her eyes turn blue and her shirt turns pink}

RYA: What in the world of Brett Favre is this?

ANDREW: A small sampler. Just let me install this chip and you'll get everything that's coming to you.

RYA: That sounds vaguely threatening.

ANDREW: Don't think about that. Think about all the carnage you'll be able to inflict in the real world!

RYA: I don't want to inflict carnage! I just want to live a real life and meet people with more than one obvious dimension to them.

ANDREW: Are you saying there are gimmicky one-trick-pony characters in Bonus Stage?

JESSICA: I'm crazy!

STOMACH KING: I'm foreign!

CRAIG: I'm...

SLIM: I'm a weasel!

BIG FAT GUY: I'M BIG FAT GUY!

{Big Fat Guy body-slams them all}

{The camera cuts to Joel and Phil. Phil has several bruises on his face, and Big Fat Guy can be seen in the background}

JOEL: Well, I got no leads.

PHIL: I've got a few theories, but most of them involve this toaster. {he holds up a toaster} Just look at it! Calculating. Controlled. A lone gunman of fury! {toast pops out of the toaster} AAH! THE MACHINES ARE RISING UP AGAINST US!

{A cloaked figure appears}

CLOAKED FIGURE: How are you, gentlemen?

JOEL: Well, we get signal.

PHIL: Who are you?

CLOAKED FIGURE: I'm...the last thing you'll ever see!

{The figure seemingly teleports around, and starts slapping Joel around. Joel attempts to kick the Cloaked Figure, but it pounds him into the ground. Phil forms a green barrier around himself, which the figure breaks in a few punches. He punches Phil to the ground, and then rapidly slaps him before punching Phil's head into the ground}

JOEL: What is this thing? Phil? {Joel stands over Phil} Uh, are you okay?

{Cut to Phil dressed as a strip of bacon on a poorly drawn background with two poorly-drawn children tilting back and forth as he sings}

THE BACON MAN: {singing} I am the bacon man, bring all the pork I can, to all the little kids down the row. Clogging their arteries, with all the MSG's, and they'll all die at the age of eight!

{Cut back to Joel}

JOEL: Who knew that near-death delirium could be so catchy?

{Cut to June, Rya, and Andrew in Joel's lab}

JUNE: I feel I should warn you. Even though Joel and Phil are human, they're still just virtual manifestations here. You'd be the first real human in a simulated environment.

RYA: And I should warn you that no one has ever really listened to a word you've said. And that tradition is not about to be broken.

ANDREW: Does anyone have a rubber band, because OH SNAP!

{June pulls on Rya's eye and lets go, which makes it smack into Andrew's face.}

{Cut to Joel falling on the ground outside}

JOEL: Ow! Keep this up, and I am seriously going to tell an IR cop to K-line you.

CLOAKED FIGURE: You fight well. Killing you two would be too honorable. There's no fun in a mercy killing!

JOEL: What if I were to throw the 'Your Mom' card onto the table, possibly with a 'So Dumb' stat booster?

{Cut to the inside of Phil's house, where human Rya is.}

ANDREW: Wow, she looks...exactly the same.

{Rya walks outside, and looks at Phil. She then looks around at the street. "EXIT" flashes over a manhole cover in the street. Rya runs to the street, and Phil gets up. The Cloaked Figure notices Rya and rushes to her. Rya gives the figure a dull look. The figure then stabs her in the chest, and the knife pops out her back. The Cloaked Figure pulls the knife out and runs away. Rya breathes heavily and clutches her wound. Some doves fly by, one of which has a sign saying "obligatory doves". She finally falls face-first into the street, dead. Phil, Joel, and Big Fat Guy watch in horror and sadness}

CHEDDAR: Rya wasent supose to die.

CLOAKED FIGURE: And Evil wasent supose to be Malcom.

CHEDDAR: Aw.

PHIL: Wow, this is like when you dream about something happening, and then when it actually happens, you feel awful about it. Except not really.

{Some doves smack into Phil's face. Cut to Joel}

JOEL: Please, Phil, I'm having a moment!

{Cut back to Phil. A dove carrying a gun stands near him}

PHIL: Holy crap, that dove has a gun!

{The dove shoots another dove. The wounded dove shares the same sequence as Rya (only shorter), but then we cut to Joel and Phil in the house}

JOEL: Well, now we have several threats to worry about: Evil, this new guy, and the ongoing threat of rising gas prices. Am I right? CNN wouldn't lie to me!

PHIL: Is it really right to go out with jokes? I mean, Rya just died...for real.

{The scene apperes in a cloud over Phil's head as he sleeps. Phil wakes up.}

PHIL: Phew! It was only a dream! Rya didn't really die!

{ending credits}