Changing Ryaconning

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(Lets just drop it. Kay?)
 
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''{Opening Sequence}''
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'''JOEL:''' We've got to find out who Evil is. If it's Elly, spankings are in order...
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''{Phil smiles happily.}''
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'''JOEL:''' With this! ''{Joel holds up a spiked club, and Phil looks shocked}''
 +
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'''CASSIDY:''' Can we talk alone, Phil? Seriously? I have some concerns.
 +
 +
'''JOEL:''' Concern yourself with my FIST! ''{Joel punches Cassidy so hard that she's sent flying}''
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'''PHIL:''' Joel! What the hell is wrong with you!?
 +
 +
'''JOEL:''' What? Everyone's a fair target for violence. Besides, you were doing stupid crap to them last week.
 +
 +
'''PHIL:''' When I do it it's zany, when you do it it just feels wrong, like eating a baby.
 +
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'''JOEL:''' Yeah, with like, chocolate and whipped cream. ''{Phil looks downright mortified}''
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''{cut to Rya sitting on the couch}''
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'''RYA:''' I am so tired of putting up with robot crap every season.  I am always shut down.  People pull pranks and write mean insults on my head.  If only I could become human.
 +
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''{Camera pans out to June, who grows devil horns and smirks evilly}''
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'''JUNE:''' You know, Rya, there is a way to escape your robotic status.
 +
 +
'''RYA:''' What's that, Girl-Who-Claims-She's-Not-A-Robot-But-Pretended-To-Be-Like-One-in-Earlier-Episodes-for-Sympathy?
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'''JUNE:''' Mind if I smoke?
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''{June scrapes a match up Rya's arm and uses it to light a cigarette, which she quickly puts out in Rya's right eye.}''
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'''JUNE:''' Now, if a chip was put into you, you would become human.  The chip would be the only robotic side of you.
 +
 +
'''RYA:''' But who could make me a human?
 +
 +
'''JUNE:''' Nobody. I just wanted to give you a fleeting dream.
 +
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'''RYA:''' Oh, snizzle. I've just been Rya'd.
 +
 +
''{A logo for "I've Just Been RYAD! - Coming to UPN" pops up with a "boing" sound effect. We then cut back to Joel and Phil}''
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'''PHIL:''' Sorry for dissappearing conveniently during that other conversation that was just going on, thus holding our current conversation, which can now resume.
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'''JOEL:''' Dude, where have you been? We absolutely cannot get sidetracked.
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''{One accidental ice cream truck accident later}''
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''{Phil is now slightly fatter, and Joel has a big potbelly}''
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'''JOEL:''' Okay, seriously. We can't get sidetracked.
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''{June pops up}''
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'''JUNE:''' Picnic time!
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'''JOEL:''' Picnic time?
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'''PHIL:''' Picnic time?!
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''{Cut to Joel and Phil standing in the kitchen next to two jars of peanut butter}''
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'''PHIL:''' What jar of peanut butter should we bring?
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'''JOEL:''' Let's bring 'em all!
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''{Cut to Rya standing outside George Lucas's house}''
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'''RYA:''' I need your help, George Lucas. You should have much robot experience.
 +
 +
'''GEORGE LUCAS:''' Greetings, um, I'm quaint to make your pleasure. I mean, pleasure to... I... I want you to become my Twi'lekian Princess.
 +
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'''RYA:''' What?
 +
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'''GEORGE LUCAS:''' Sorry, lonely nights at Skywalker Ranch.
 +
 +
'''RYA:''' I'm not sure you'd be able to handle my spiky genitals of death.
 +
 +
'''GEORGE LUCAS:''' I love a good challenge. Anyway, what can I do you for?
 +
 +
'''RYA:''' First of all, who names their studio after a fictional space farm? Second, I need to become a woman. A ''real'' one. Not this horrible mass of metal and corpse-flesh that binds me to serving out goth-girl one-liners every week.
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'''GEORGE LUCAS:''' I'm afraid that's out of my area of expertise, but I'm still available for that opening... um, in your shirt.
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'''RYA:''' It's been filled. With... nevermind.
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'''GEORGE LUCAS:''' Please teach me to love!
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''{Rya's left arm transforms into a cannon, and blasts George Lucas into his house.}''
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''{Cut to Elly's Bar, Phil sits at the counter}''
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'''ELLY:''' Evil's back!? That scallion rapper!
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 +
'''PHIL:''' Yeah, well, I mean, you're it. So, I would think you'd know.
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'''ELLY:''' What are you talking about? McCloud was Evil.
 +
 +
'''PHIL:''' Oh right
 +
 +
''{Cut to Rya walking down the street}''
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'''RYA:''' That's just great, I'll never get out of here.
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''{Rya stops in front of Andrew}''
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'''ANDREW:''' I heard you want to become human.  So human, that you're human enough.  To marry Phil or Craig.
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'''RYA:''' I WILL KILL YOU FOR SAYING THAT!
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'''ANDREW:''' Don't count me out too soon. I found a few toys in Joel's laboratory.
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''{Rya's hair turns blonde, her eyes turn blue and her shirt turns pink}''
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'''RYA:''' What in the world of Hell is this?
 +
 +
'''ANDREW:''' A small sampler. Just let me install this chip and you'll get everything that's coming to you.
 +
 +
'''RYA:''' You have the chip?  Wow... you're not so random after all.
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'''ANDREW:''' Don't think about that. Think about all the damage you'll be able to cause as a human!
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'''RYA:''' I don't ''want'' to cause damage! I just want to live a ''real'' human life, and not have friends that take me for just some dumb robot!
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'''ANDREW:''' Are you saying there are character lovers and haters in Bonus Stage?
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'''JESSICA:''' I love Phil!
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'''STOMACH KING:''' I hate Joel!
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'''CRAIG:''' I love... shopping.
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'''SLIM:''' I hate Evil!
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'''JUNE:''' I love Joel!
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'''BIG FAT GUY:''' I'M BIG FAT GUY!
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''{Big Fat Guy body-slams them all}''
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''{The camera cuts to Joel and Phil. Phil has several bruises on his face, and Big Fat Guy can be seen in the background}''
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'''JOEL:''' Well, I got no leads.
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'''PHIL:''' I've got a few theories, but most of them involve this toaster. ''{he holds up a toaster}'' Just look at it! Calculating. Controlled. A lone gunman of fury! ''{toast pops out of the toaster}'' AAH! THE MACHINES ARE RISING UP AGAINST US!
 +
 +
''{A cloaked figure appears}''
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'''CLOAKED FIGURE:''' How are you, gentlemen?
 +
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'''JOEL:''' Well, we get signal.
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'''PHIL:''' Who are you?
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'''CLOAKED FIGURE:''' I'm... your worst nightmare!
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''{The figure seemingly teleports around, and starts slapping Joel around. Joel attempts to kick the Cloaked Figure, but it pounds him into the ground. Phil forms a green barrier around himself, which the figure breaks in a few punches. He punches Phil to the ground, and then rapidly slaps him before punching Phil's head into the ground}''
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'''JOEL:''' What is this thing? Phil? ''{Joel stands over Phil}'' Uh, are you okay?
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''{Cut to Phil dressed as a strip of bacon on a poorly drawn background with two poorly-drawn children tilting back and forth as he sings}''
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'''THE BACON MAN:''' ''{singing}'' I am the bacon man, bring all the pork I can, to all the little kids down the row. Clogging their arteries, with all the MSG's, and they'll all die at the age of eight!
 +
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''{Cut back to Joel}''
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'''JOEL:''' Who knew that near-death delirium could be so catchy?
 +
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''{Cut to June, Rya, and Andrew in Joel's lab}''
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'''JUNE:''' I feel I should warn you. Even though Joel and Phil are human, they're still just virtual manifestations here. You'd be the first real human in a simulated environment.
 +
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'''RYA:''' And I should warn you that no one has ever really listened to a word you've said. And that tradition is not about to be broken.
 +
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'''ANDREW:''' Does anyone have a rubber band, because OH SNAP!
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''{June pulls on Rya's eye and lets go, which makes it smack into Andrew's face.}''
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''{Cut to Joel falling on the ground outside}''
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'''JOEL:''' Ow! Keep this up, and I am seriously going to tell an IR cop to K-line you.
 +
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'''CLOAKED FIGURE:''' You fight well. Killing you two would be too honorable. There's no fun in a mercy killing!
 +
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'''JOEL:''' What if I were to throw the 'Your Mom' card onto the table, possibly with a 'So Dumb' stat booster?
 +
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''{Cut to the inside of Phil's house, where human Rya is.}''
 +
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'''ANDREW:''' Wow, she looks...exactly the same.
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''{Rya walks outside, and sees Phil.  She runs up to Phil.}''
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I AM A BARE!

Current revision as of 01:19, 6 April 2007

{Opening Sequence}

JOEL: We've got to find out who Evil is. If it's Elly, spankings are in order...

{Phil smiles happily.}

JOEL: With this! {Joel holds up a spiked club, and Phil looks shocked}

CASSIDY: Can we talk alone, Phil? Seriously? I have some concerns.

JOEL: Concern yourself with my FIST! {Joel punches Cassidy so hard that she's sent flying}

PHIL: Joel! What the hell is wrong with you!?

JOEL: What? Everyone's a fair target for violence. Besides, you were doing stupid crap to them last week.

PHIL: When I do it it's zany, when you do it it just feels wrong, like eating a baby.

JOEL: Yeah, with like, chocolate and whipped cream. {Phil looks downright mortified}

{cut to Rya sitting on the couch}

RYA: I am so tired of putting up with robot crap every season. I am always shut down. People pull pranks and write mean insults on my head. If only I could become human.

{Camera pans out to June, who grows devil horns and smirks evilly}

JUNE: You know, Rya, there is a way to escape your robotic status.

RYA: What's that, Girl-Who-Claims-She's-Not-A-Robot-But-Pretended-To-Be-Like-One-in-Earlier-Episodes-for-Sympathy?

JUNE: Mind if I smoke?

{June scrapes a match up Rya's arm and uses it to light a cigarette, which she quickly puts out in Rya's right eye.}

JUNE: Now, if a chip was put into you, you would become human. The chip would be the only robotic side of you.

RYA: But who could make me a human?

JUNE: Nobody. I just wanted to give you a fleeting dream.

RYA: Oh, snizzle. I've just been Rya'd.

{A logo for "I've Just Been RYAD! - Coming to UPN" pops up with a "boing" sound effect. We then cut back to Joel and Phil}

PHIL: Sorry for dissappearing conveniently during that other conversation that was just going on, thus holding our current conversation, which can now resume.

JOEL: Dude, where have you been? We absolutely cannot get sidetracked.

{One accidental ice cream truck accident later}

{Phil is now slightly fatter, and Joel has a big potbelly}

JOEL: Okay, seriously. We can't get sidetracked.

{June pops up}

JUNE: Picnic time!

JOEL: Picnic time?

PHIL: Picnic time?!

{Cut to Joel and Phil standing in the kitchen next to two jars of peanut butter}

PHIL: What jar of peanut butter should we bring?

JOEL: Let's bring 'em all!

{Cut to Rya standing outside George Lucas's house}

RYA: I need your help, George Lucas. You should have much robot experience.

GEORGE LUCAS: Greetings, um, I'm quaint to make your pleasure. I mean, pleasure to... I... I want you to become my Twi'lekian Princess.

RYA: What?

GEORGE LUCAS: Sorry, lonely nights at Skywalker Ranch.

RYA: I'm not sure you'd be able to handle my spiky genitals of death.

GEORGE LUCAS: I love a good challenge. Anyway, what can I do you for?

RYA: First of all, who names their studio after a fictional space farm? Second, I need to become a woman. A real one. Not this horrible mass of metal and corpse-flesh that binds me to serving out goth-girl one-liners every week.

GEORGE LUCAS: I'm afraid that's out of my area of expertise, but I'm still available for that opening... um, in your shirt.

RYA: It's been filled. With... nevermind.

GEORGE LUCAS: Please teach me to love!

{Rya's left arm transforms into a cannon, and blasts George Lucas into his house.}

{Cut to Elly's Bar, Phil sits at the counter}

ELLY: Evil's back!? That scallion rapper!

PHIL: Yeah, well, I mean, you're it. So, I would think you'd know.

ELLY: What are you talking about? McCloud was Evil.

PHIL: Oh right

{Cut to Rya walking down the street}

RYA: That's just great, I'll never get out of here.

{Rya stops in front of Andrew}

ANDREW: I heard you want to become human. So human, that you're human enough. To marry Phil or Craig.

RYA: I WILL KILL YOU FOR SAYING THAT!

ANDREW: Don't count me out too soon. I found a few toys in Joel's laboratory.

{Rya's hair turns blonde, her eyes turn blue and her shirt turns pink}

RYA: What in the world of Hell is this?

ANDREW: A small sampler. Just let me install this chip and you'll get everything that's coming to you.

RYA: You have the chip? Wow... you're not so random after all.

ANDREW: Don't think about that. Think about all the damage you'll be able to cause as a human!

RYA: I don't want to cause damage! I just want to live a real human life, and not have friends that take me for just some dumb robot!

ANDREW: Are you saying there are character lovers and haters in Bonus Stage?

JESSICA: I love Phil!

STOMACH KING: I hate Joel!

CRAIG: I love... shopping.

SLIM: I hate Evil!

JUNE: I love Joel!

BIG FAT GUY: I'M BIG FAT GUY!

{Big Fat Guy body-slams them all}

{The camera cuts to Joel and Phil. Phil has several bruises on his face, and Big Fat Guy can be seen in the background}

JOEL: Well, I got no leads.

PHIL: I've got a few theories, but most of them involve this toaster. {he holds up a toaster} Just look at it! Calculating. Controlled. A lone gunman of fury! {toast pops out of the toaster} AAH! THE MACHINES ARE RISING UP AGAINST US!

{A cloaked figure appears}

CLOAKED FIGURE: How are you, gentlemen?

JOEL: Well, we get signal.

PHIL: Who are you?

CLOAKED FIGURE: I'm... your worst nightmare!

{The figure seemingly teleports around, and starts slapping Joel around. Joel attempts to kick the Cloaked Figure, but it pounds him into the ground. Phil forms a green barrier around himself, which the figure breaks in a few punches. He punches Phil to the ground, and then rapidly slaps him before punching Phil's head into the ground}

JOEL: What is this thing? Phil? {Joel stands over Phil} Uh, are you okay?

{Cut to Phil dressed as a strip of bacon on a poorly drawn background with two poorly-drawn children tilting back and forth as he sings}

THE BACON MAN: {singing} I am the bacon man, bring all the pork I can, to all the little kids down the row. Clogging their arteries, with all the MSG's, and they'll all die at the age of eight!

{Cut back to Joel}

JOEL: Who knew that near-death delirium could be so catchy?

{Cut to June, Rya, and Andrew in Joel's lab}

JUNE: I feel I should warn you. Even though Joel and Phil are human, they're still just virtual manifestations here. You'd be the first real human in a simulated environment.

RYA: And I should warn you that no one has ever really listened to a word you've said. And that tradition is not about to be broken.

ANDREW: Does anyone have a rubber band, because OH SNAP!

{June pulls on Rya's eye and lets go, which makes it smack into Andrew's face.}

{Cut to Joel falling on the ground outside}

JOEL: Ow! Keep this up, and I am seriously going to tell an IR cop to K-line you.

CLOAKED FIGURE: You fight well. Killing you two would be too honorable. There's no fun in a mercy killing!

JOEL: What if I were to throw the 'Your Mom' card onto the table, possibly with a 'So Dumb' stat booster?

{Cut to the inside of Phil's house, where human Rya is.}

ANDREW: Wow, she looks...exactly the same.

{Rya walks outside, and sees Phil. She runs up to Phil.}

I AM A BARE!

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