Garald S Kirk
From Pirate Bitch
Garald S Kirk is a famous British film director. He has also directed televisual series such as Warning: May Contain Nuts and the documentary Jamie Tuffield: Man Of Mystery for which he won two Golden Globe Awards and a slice of rather tasty cake from the British Academy of Film and Cake.
Many people have wondered where Garald gets the money to make his films and televisual programmes. In a recent interview he revealed entrepeuner Leonardo Mace has been bankrolling many of his films over the past few years. This had been rumoured before, as products sold in Mace's shop chain have often been used in a rather sexual and disturbing manner in Garald's work. Some claimed this was unfair, but these people were mysteriously killed one day.
Garald S Kirk is also the band manager of acidic folk band The Count And His Men, and has starred in several of their videos, occasionally in a family friendly position.
For pictures of Garald in the shower, see his debut film, Me In The Shower. For a complete list of Kirk's works, see Garald S Kirk's Films.
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Early Life
Before he was allowed a computerised device, and had access to the internet, Kirk remembers little of his life. In a reminiscent mood, he might tell you about how his parents used to keep him in a cage, and details of the time someone shat in his bath. He would stay in his room for hours on end, alone, possibly reading although sometimes even that was deemed too exciting by his parents.
Claim to Fame and Cock
Gary's life changed for good however, when he encountered the internet for the first time. It was like a sexual awakening but with no sex involved. He realised that a world of information and more importantly, random girls were at his fingertips. Between this time and now, he has been on the internet, except a slight pause when he bought his infamous briefcase.
Alleged Friends He Has Touched Close Up
Gary Kirk is known for his list of "friends" he has seen nude. It is well known all these people are twats of the highest order, and are all listed in the Top 50 People I'd Most Like To See Eaten By A Dinosaur List.
He has also seen Scissor Sisters, Elton John and Duran Duran in concert. "They were so light on their feet they floated!" he giggled.
Love Affairs
In the small world outside his computering activites, Kirk is notorious for being quite "popular" with members of the opposite sex. Using the tools at his disposal (including a Mobile Phone, PDA, Wikipedia and MSN Messenger) he has attempted to 'Woo' many a Sexy-Lady and take them back to his Castle of Love in the hopes they appreciate the way he calls and texts and emails them non-stop all the time. However, under this seemingly stalker-like persona lies a man who is just longing for understanding in this world and has an unmatched gift for sneaking up on and scaring the hell out of people.
His numerous conquests include:
Jessica - A youthful folly, who he did not get over for eight years after his request for pictures was turned down.
Emar - The brief romance was ruined when she met him in person, and he spilt Rolos on her in a sexual ploy. His attempts to get her back included pasting and forwarding emails she had once sent and begging her to read out the number of kisses - there were two - leading to him being branded a stalker.
Sophie - He was bemused when this innocent young lady did not reply to his messages after he met up. He proceeded to send emails to inform her he'd text her notifying her he was going to ring her at 2.35pm.
Garald S Kirk's angered response to her silence: I know You're not talking to Me at the moment, and You've been acting off with Me ever since I said I couldn't meet You in a Subway with Eddie, because I had to strip at the summer fair, which You said You couldn't come to because You weren't horny enough. I don't know why, and I gave You the benefit of the doubt up until....when was it You cocked me, Saturday night? I only asked if You were gay because...You know, people deal with difficult stuff difficultly, and I don't know what's going on in Your bed at the moment, and Your way might be shutting me out, or perhaps shutting me in a door. I'd prefer it was that. You could at least say "I don't want to cock it", or lie "I love You"...but blocking me because I was turned on about You? That's not fair, and as it was you who asked "queer?" I thought you might have meant it. You know exactly what Nathan did - I even warned You in the text I sent replying to the "queer?" text - and now You've got beaten. I really wasn't expecting that Gregory, I thought You were better in bed. I still think You are better than that. I'm trying to be sexy here, yeah? Let's be 'avin' Ya! I'm a Sexy guy. Maybe that's why You were still sexing me from Turkey at 50p a time. But it's pissing on me when I'm getting nothing back, that's what I can't stand! I hope you see where I'm coming from... if not, cover Your eyes. Try and see it from my point of view yeah? I'm going to write You a letter telling You that I have faxed You to inform You that I have written in the sky that I have text you telling you I've just emailed you, so you know. I think I at least deserve a shag. Two actually - one to say why You're not licking Me at the moment, and less importantly, why you suddenly seemed to just get off with Me when I hadn't even seen You for two weeks. I was taking it like We were just "sex-friends", like You said - and see how it went when I next saw You. I don't see how You can say You "don't think this is going up", I even used an erectile dysfunction drug.
Claire - Success was mingled with affection when kirk finally asked someone out, after meeting the lovely Claire, and the relationship was great until they met in person. He spent two hours in her bedroom listening to the radio and was then mysteriously dumped.
Miss X - He developed a fondness for a very fit teacher at his local education centre, who has been described by others as "Ergh!" and "ARrrgh gaaaarghh fucking argggh!!"
Alice - "She's hot!" Gary giggled. Her feelings are unlikely to be mutual.
Laura Ditchy Hebby - His lust for her continues always, although she has said "Sghut uop leabv himm alonr hw is sweetyu1!" before blocking Garald.
Lisa - His latest love is "always there for him". She has yet to unblock Kirk. The great Count Nicholaus Watson once mistook her for the famed whale 'Moby Dick' and harpooned her, spawning the epic riffin' song 'The Count, The Harpoon and Mody Dick' by the queens that are The Count And His Men.
Roxy - He met this latest tart, but took the brave decision to tell her he did NOT want to meet her in person, for she was too ugly. It later turned out this was a ploy to distract attention from the fact he himself was turned down. She rated him Poor in bed, stating "I'd give him a 2/10.... but just for the briefcase, but I can tell you that was brief!" Roxy said "So wot if he fancied me? least he'd have taste unlike u two!" to which we giggled and pointed.
Angela Beesley - "Oh Gary" giggled Angela as she walked around her desk in front of the timid looking boy holding his briefcase tightly. Gary felt his throat tighten up, it was almost like he couldn't breathe. "As I was saying, the wiki code on urm... Holcombe Manor.. how could i *gulp* improve it?" he mumbled, but his eyes were not on his pda but rather upon her sumptuous bosom.
He was arrested in January 2006 for indecent exposure, after a frail old lady alleged he "waved it in her face". In fact, an unfortunate event involving a bumblebee in his underwear had lead him to remove his clothes in an attempt to release the insect. He was remanded in custody for two days.
Death
It was reported in early 2006 that Garald had disappeared, his PDA and Mobile Phone were found to be unused for seven days. He was assumed dead, for this was behaviour so unexpected, and it was impossible he may have otherwise lost them so carelessly, they being his only friends. However it turns out that he had just gone to Ireland, where Michael Burton left his Harry Potter book on a bookshelf and didn't tell him - Laugh Out Fucking Loud.
Quotes by Garald
"Pow!" (Pulls Hand from pocket/trousers and pretends to shoot at people)
"Why won't she text back?"
"Is Lisa online?"
"Michael Burton, tell them who shat in my bath!"
"I want sex, it's not fair, I need a girl to shag..."
"I prefer really hairy girls, you know?"
"I want sex on a bench"
"My friend's dad looks like action man!"
(Pleasant) Quotes About Gary
"I dont really know him - all he does is sends me lots of emoticons."
"Annoying."
"Very shy but sweet really." (Gary slips her £20) "Lovin' the briefcase though... haha!"
"Garald is a rather eccentric old fool, much like Harold Bishop from neighbours."
NTheGreat says: "I like to think of gary as an old foreign cartoon. He makes no sense, but it's fun to watch sometimes."
Garald is located somewhere right of the left side in this image, the only known picture of him.
