Wake him up, he'll know what to do!

From Create Your Own Story

A few hours later, Keith Urban stands in the room with you both, in his white space jockeys. She has barely even looked at you since Keith woke up, and after hearing the whole story, Keith has taken to stroking his tiny goatee silently, nodding like a sage monk. You hate him, and all that he represents as a celebrity husband. He's ruining your fantasy.

'I think I can rig this thing...' He says, 'So that you two can go back into hibernation, but I wouldn't be able to go back with you.' You throw your hands up, and Nicole's eyes widen. 'You mean you wouldn't be coming back with us?' Keith turns to her and takes her hands, 'I'll be okay. You need to raise the kids.' The rest of the afternoon, you are left as the third wheel of this couple's final date - a date historians would later estimate to be one of the most awkward and depressing in history. That night, you sleep in the room next door to them, and jerk off to the sounds of their heated marital sex, frustrated at how much louder he is than she.

The next day you fall asleep in your pod, and it closes around you at Keith's stupid command.

70 years later, you emerge, and find that half of the women in the ship have already awoken once or twice over the years. You follow an angry mob that's formed, and find a 90 year old Keith Urban, with the shittiest grin. The crowd surrounds him, hurling verbal abuse at him, but all he does is nod and stroke his goatee.

Looking back, you have to admire the guy. He pulled off what you couldn't. Scientists would later find that he had sex with nearly the entire female population of L.A., spreading his DNA like a warlord. He would die before ever being convicted.

What a damn legend.

THE END