Staplers in the Night
From Pfnetwork
Cast: Derrek MacKnox, Orville Smith, Tom MacKnox, Janice MacKnox, Mr. Whiskers, Leroy Jennings, Charles Jennings, Bob Spatel, The Staplers, Margaret Unoparola, Brenda Roberts, Jim Muller, Steakhouse Guy
Running Time: 7:00
Locations: Sidewalk, MacKnox House, Mayor's Office, Schoolyard, Classroom
Page Title: Staplers in the Night!
Contents |
[edit] Transcript
(a foot steps on a bag of Funyuns which moves across the screen to reveal Derrek walking down the street, cut to front view of Derrek)
DERREK: Huh, Banjo City. Why would anyone name an entire city after banjos?
ORVILLE: {walks in} Well son, I can answer that! You see, when the founders of this town moved away from Indianapolis in 1950, they were obsessed with banjos for some reason I do not know. And so they started a town. They were prob'ly insane. And they started a town and they named it Banjo City, even though it has no suburbs and it's twenty miles from all other civilizations.
DERREK: That makes absolutely no sense.
ORVILLE: Don't you sass back at me, you young whippersnapper! {hits Derrek over the head with a banjo}
DERREK: Augh!
(cue intro)
(cut to MacKnox house, doorbell rings)
DERREK: Here comes the welcome wagon!
TOM: {runs through living room, opens door}
ORVILLE: Hello there, neighbors! {holds out hunk of tinfoil} Would you like a plump, Christmas goose?
TOM: Um... Okay... {takes hunk of tinfoil, unwraps it to reveal a potato with "GOOSE" carved into it}
JANICE: Who was it, Tom?
TOM: Oh, just the neighbors, Janice. They gave us a plump Christmas potato.
(cut to dinner table)
DERREK: Uh...
JANICE: Derrek, just eat your goose.
MR. WHISKERS: {walks in, meows}
DERREK: We need to feed Mr. Whiskers.
TOM: {hops out of chair, runs out of the room} I'm going out to look for work now! {opens and closes the door offscreen}
(cut to zoom in of mayor's office, cut to inside)
LEROY: {waves} Hey there, son. Welcome to my workplace! Now son, {points to stapler} this is a stapler.
CHARLES: I know what a stapler is, Dad.
LEROY: Now staplers can be very handy tools or they can cost you the use of your legs. {holds hand up to mouth} Bob, come here and show my son what happened to you in the stapler mishap.
(pan to Bob standing on knees)
BOB: Using me as a means of safety education makes me uncomfortable in my working environment.
(pan back to Leroy)
LEROY: {sighs} I need a new assistant. Things just haven't been the same since your accident, Bob. Too bad life's not like one of those sitcoms, you know, where you say something like, "I need a new assistant," you know, and one just shows up, you know? Too bad life's not like that. Man, I need a new assistant.
TOM: {opens door} Hi, I'm here to inquire about your "Assistant wanted" sign.
LEROY: {holds out documents} Ooh, fantastic! Sign here, sign here, here, here, here and possibly here!
BOB: {offscreen} Um... Could I get a slight raise considering that my calves are stapled to my thighs?
LEROY: Hush Bob.
(cut to stars and moon with lettering reading LATER THAT NIGHT, comet hits moon and moon falls, cut to Charles' closet, staplers come out and crowd around Charles' bed)
CHARLES: What do you- What do you want from me?
STAPLERS: We want your legs!
CHARLES: AAAAAIIIEEEEEEEE! {pulls blanket up over head}
(cut to school, then classroom)
ORVILLE: Hello, class! I am your teacher, Orville Smith. We'll be starting today's lesson momentarily. I just have to staple together a few documents.
CHARLES: Staple? Staple?! Staplers! Staplers everywhere! AAAAAIIIEEEEEEEE! (runs out of room)
MARGARET: Heh.
ORVILLE: Let's see... I'll need two students to go and get 'im. Let's see... Uh... Derrek and, uh... Jim! You go get 'im and bring 'im back and, uh... all will be well.
(cut to schoolyard, Charles has climbed the flagpole)
DERREK: Aw, man, how are we gonna get him down from the flagpole?!
JIM: Don't worry, I'm an expert negotiator. (shouting up to Charles) I think you should come down, lest you freeze yourself at such heights.
CHARLES: If I come down, the- the staplers will get me!
DERREK: Staplers?
JIM: Don't worry, I will catch you and protect you from the staplers.
(Charles falls, screaming, Derrek and Jim cover their eyes)
JIM: That didn't go very well.
DERREK: (as Charles gets up, hunched over) Whoa, are you okay?
CHARLES: Um... hold on a second... (bend back into upright position, a loud cracking noise is heard) Yeah, I'll be fine. (exits)
JIM: Sorry about that, Charles.
CHARLES: (offscreen) Oh, no problem.
DERREK: Um... Why didn't you catch that guy back there?
JIM: I forgot.
DERREK: You forgot?
JIM: Yep.
DERREK: Okay.
(cut to Janice sleeping as a clock ticks and someone hums the Jeopardy theme, cut to mayor's office where Tom has inexplicably turned into a dwarf with dilated pupils)
LEROY: Okay. Your mission today is to get me a slurpee from the 6 Ten five blocks that way. {points} You have... oh... twenty minutes. Now! Go! Go! Go! Go!
(TWENTY MINUTES LATER)
LEROY: Okay, now you just sit down and do paperwork. Bob used to do everything around here until his calves got stapled to his thighs. Now he's just my full-time secretary. {goes to drink slurpee}
(cut to MacKnox house)
JANICE: Alright, everyone. To celebrate our first day of true productivity, I wanted to take us out to a nice restaurant. Unfortunately, they don't have those in this town. The closest thing is the Flaming Rump Steakhouse.
DERREK: Eugh!
{cut to the Flaming Rump Steakhouse}
STEAKHOUSE GUY: Hello. Welcome to the steakhouse. Smoking or non-smoking?
JANICE: Non-smoking, please.
STEAKHOUSE GUY: Okay. (opens door, giant plume of smoke comes out)
DERREK: (coughs) I thought you said that was non-smoking!
STEAKHOUSE GUY: Well you don't see the room on fire, now do you?!
(cut to Derrek in bed, Janice is peering through doorway)
JANICE: Goodnight, Derrek. Hope you had a good first day.
DERREK: Yeah... Hey, Mom, could you check my closet for staplers?
JANICE: Derrek, there are no staplers in your closet. Go to sleep. {shuts door, Derrek looks worried}
(cue credits)
[edit] Notes
- "Staplers in the Night" is a parody of "Strangers in the Night".
- This is the only episode that doesn't actually have a plot.
[edit] Easter Eggs
- During the intro sequence, click Orville to see a redone version of the opening scene.
- During the intro sequence, put your mouse over and press your mouse down on Jim's Nintendo DS to see different things take its place.
- When Janice is talking about the Flaming Rump Steakhouse, click Tom's pupils to see an ad for it.
- At the end, click the banjo to hear Derrek's debut album.
