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Overview

Episode 16: Battle Badges

Young upstart teen Tamago Namagome goes on an exciting quest to collect all of the Battle Badges with his partner, Haibuzumi! Can he defeat the Battle Badge Leader and collect his Battle Badge Medal before Battle Badge? Find out!

Spoofed Material

• Monster/Card/Top/Badge Battling Games: Like Pokemon and the ilk. Not to say I'm not a fan of Pokemon, but the idea is tired and boring now. Why not make fun of it?
• Japanese Again: "Haibuzumi" is a contraction of "haibuzu", meaning "garbage", and "nezumi", meaning "mouse".

Transcript

{Open: an idyllic landscape, green grass blowing in the breeze, animals romping around here and there. Suddenly, a metallic object is thrown from offscreen. It lands on the ground and suddenly shape-shifts into a porcupine-like animal, with electricity coarsing across its pins.}

SHOCKUPINE: Ku-SHOCK!

{The camera pans over to show the person who threw it -- a physically imposing man in what looks like pirate garb.}

PIRATE PAUL: Alright, then! Whip out your Badge Monster, kid!

{The camera pans over in the other direction to show a kid with purple hair, a trenchcoat, and a fedora. He unpins a mouse-shaped badge from his coat and tosses it into the air.}

TAMAGO: Haibuzumi! Come on out!

{The badge shape-shifts in mid-air into a grey mouse with red cheeks and a swirly tail.}

HAIBUZUMI: Bu-zuuuuu!

{Haibuzumi lands on the ground.}

PIRATE PAUL: Hah! Is that all you've got, kid?

TAMAGO: Don't underestimate me! Haibuzumi and I are best friends and that means we'll thrash you!

PIRATE PAUL: Alright, if you say so! {yelling} Alright now, Shockupine! Use your Electric Needles!

SHOCKUPINE: Shok!

{The Shockupine runs up to Haibuzumi and flicks its tail, spraying Haibuzumi with needles. Once they hit, the needles administer a vicious electric shock, making Haibuzumi drop to its feet.}

TAMAGO: Haibuzumiiiiiii! Get up!

HAIBUZUMI: Hai... Haibu...

{Haibuzumi barely gets up before the Shockupine rolls into it at a devastating speed, knocking Haibuzumi yards away. Tamago runs toward Haibuzumi and finds it knocked out.}

TAMAGO: NOOOOOOOO! I lost!

PIRATE PAUL: Heh, that's right! Now hand over your cash!

TAMAGO: But... that's not how it works!

PIRATE PAUL: Kid, this is extortion. You either play into it, or... well, you just play into it.

TAMAGO: Fine, fine.

{Tamago takes out some unknown currency and hands it to the pirate.}

PIRATE PAUL: What? Only 50 Bux?

TAMAGO: I don't have any more, I swear!

PIRATE PAUL: Oh, whatever. As long as I've got Bux, I'm good to go! See ya, kid!

SHOCKUPINE: Pine!

{Pirate Paul snaps his fingers as Shockupine returns to badge form. He picks it up and pins it to his vest as he walks off, whistling.}

TAMAGO: ... It's useless...

{Tamago walks over to Haibuzumi, who is still stuck with needles and coarsing with electricity.}

TAMAGO: You okay, Haibuzumi?

HAIBUZUMI: {weakly} Buzu buzu!

TAMAGO: Well, that's good. ... I think Color City isn't far from here, so let's get you healed up.

HAIBUZUMI: Buzu!

{Suddenly, a title card pops up. Tamago reads it.}

TAMAGO: {yelling excruciatingly loudly} TAMAGO'S FIRST MEDAL!!!!!!!!!

SKULLY B.: {offscreen} Oh God, don't yell like that! My eaaaaaaaars

{Cut: Color City; a nondescript city, just like any other. Tamago is walking down the street, getting weird looks from other people.}

TAMAGO: I wonder where the Battle Badge Arena is? I've gotta fight the Battle Badge Leader so I can move on to the next city!

???: The Arena?

{Tamago turns around to see a man in sunglasses standing behind him.}

TAMAGO: Yeah, do you live around here?

???: Yep, all my life... why?

TAMAGO: I'd like to know where the Arena is, sir!

???: Just down the street. Can't miss it.

TAMAGO: Oh! Thanks, sir!

{Tamago goes on his way.}

???: Hm... nice kid.

{Cut: the Color City Arena. It is decorated with all sorts of cavernous decor, ranging from stalagmites to rock piles. The floor is slightly damp. Tamago walks in to find nobody there.}

TAMAGO: Huh... the doors were open... I wonder where the Arena Leader is?

{Suddenly, from the ceiling drops two shady characters and another, smaller one.}

TAMAGO: ... Are either of you the Leader?

VILLAIN 1: Can it, brat!

VILLAIN 2: We're here to steal your Badges!

VILLAIN 3: Myeah, and nobody's gonna stop us!

TAMAGO: What the- who are you?

VILLAIN 1: Ahem...

{A hip hop beat begins to play.}

VILLAIN 1: Get yourself ready, 'cause the baddies are here!

VILLAIN 2: Gonna beat your punk ass down, make the ladies cheer!

{The two villains step out of the shadows to reveal themselves. One of them is a slim man in all-black garb, with green hair done in a ponytail. The other is a stout man, in the same garb, but with short, red hair. The shortest one turns out to be a cat-like animal with gold chains around his neck and sunglasses.}

BERTIE: My name's Bertie, and I've got a bone to pick!

NICKY: And my name's Nicky, and my rhyming skills are sick!

BERTIE: The Astro-Gang, ready to fight!

NICKY: Surrender yourself, go on and take flight!

ALLEYCAT: Myeah! That's correct!

TAMAGO: Wow! That's a catchy motto!

NICKY: Y'all don't think we know that, beeyotch?

BERTIE: But yeah, man, we gotta level wit'choo. That there Haibuzumi?

{The camera pans over and zooms in on Tamago's coat, with the Haibuzumi badge pinned to it.}

TAMAGO: Wh-what about him?

BERTIE: We want it.

TAMAGO: Why? What do you want with Haibuzumi?

BERTIE: Well, what we do is steal people's sh**, like Badges, mostly.

NICKY: That's our thing, yo!

BERTIE: Yeah, and that there Haibuzumi's pretty damn rare. Like, off the hook rare. Nah'mean?

TAMAGO: Uh, not exactly...

NICKY: Dawg, we're stealin' it!

TAMAGO: Never! Me and Haibuzumi will fight you!

BERTIE: Yo, if you really want to do that, be our guest.

NICKY: Our Battle Badge Monsters are gonna beat yo ass down, boy! Gonna get yo ass whooped!

TAMAGO: Dang, a two-on-two?

NICKY: We never said we was fair!

TAMAGO: Fine! Haibuzumi, come on out!

{Tamago tosses his badge over, summoning Haibuzumi.}

HAIBUZUMI: Buzuuu!

BERTIE: Come on out, Smokesack!

NICKY: Yo, Lockjaw! Get out here!

{Bertie and Nicky toss out some badges, which turn into a large, black, smokey, floating ball and a shark, respectively.}

SMOKESACK: Smooookesack!

LOCKJAW: Lockjaw!

TAMAGO: Oh, no! Those are some of the most powerful Badge Monsters out there!

BERTIE: That's right, boy! We're not messing around!

NICKY: We're gonna take that Haibuzumi and we gonna get us some ice, yo! Bling bling!

BERTIE: ... Do you really enjoy talking like that?

NICKY: Yo, I was raised in the streets, dawg!

BERTIE: Suburban Dallas is not the streets.

NICKY: Yo, nobody understands me!

{Smokesack and Lockjaw approach Haibuzumi menacingly.}

SMOKESACK: Smooooooo...

LOCKJAW: Jaw! Lockjaw!

HAIBUZUMI: Buzu buzu... buzu buzu!

{Suddenly, the man in sunglasses from before bursts into the arena.}

???: Stop right where you are, Astro Gang!

NICKY: Awwww, sh**! It's the po-po!

BERTIE: Oh, shut up. It's just some guy in sunglasses.

???: What are you two doing in here?

NICKY: What, us?

BERTIE: Oh, just stealing this kid's Badge Monster. Why?

???: Well, I don't advocate that kind of behavior. Looks like I've gotta step in!

{The man unpins a badge from inside his jacket and tosses it into the ring. It morphs into a massive saurian creature made from what appears to be mud.}

???: Alright, Terratops! Take 'em out!

TERRATOPS: Terratops...

{The Terratops starts walking over toward Smokesack.}

BERTIE: What- Smokesack! Use your Combustion attack!

SMOKESACK: Smoooooooo!

{Smokesack exhales a fiery blast that, while singing Terratops, does not stop it from approaching.}

???: Use your Stomp attack, Terratops!

TERRATOPS: TOPS!

{Terratops smashes Smokesack beneath it's foot. A dull "pop" is heard.}

NICKY: Awww, sh**! He just crushed yo Badge Monster!

{Haibuzumi runs up toward Lockjaw.}

TAMAGO: Now, Haibuzumi! Use your Thunder Tooth!

HAIBUZUMI: Buzu buzuuuuuuu!

{Haibuzumi's teeth start to spark with electricity as it bites down on Lockjaw, sending jolts of electricity through its skin and knocking it back into the wall.}

NICKY: Awwwww, no! Not Lockjaw!

BERTIE: Man, let's get out of here!

NICKY: You said it!

{Nicky and Bertie start to book it.}

ALLEYCAT: I never got no f***in lines man what the f***? Keepin a n**** down f***in motherf*****s

{Alleycat books it as well.}

???: Phew... chased 'em off.

TAMAGO: Thanks, sir... but how did you know to look here?

JIMMY: Kid, I run this place! I'm the Arena Leader, Jimmy.

TAMAGO: Really? So... you helped me out?

JIMMY: Yeah, pretty much.

TAMAGO: Wow! ... So do we fight now?

JIMMY: Nah, I'll give you the Medal if you just leave. You did enough battling.

TAMAGO: Wow! How convenient!

{Tamago puts his medal in a case.}

TAMAGO: We got the Medal!

HAIBUZUMI: Buzu!

{Fade to black.}

{Cut: outside Color City. The Astro Gang is walking away from the city.}

BERTIE: Son of a... we almost had it, too!

NICKY: Yo, man, why'd you tell him we was trying to steal that Baibu-whatever?

BERTIE: I thought he looked shady, he looked like he wanted to steal it too!

NICKY: Yo, you a dumbass!

BERTIE: You shut your mouth.

ALLEYCAT: Bitch-ass muhf*****

{THE END NOW}