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IM A BELL: Hello, and welcome to the first, and hopefully not last, episode of QI, where you gain points for being interesting, and lose points for being painfully obvious.

{klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "Alan Davies"}

IM A BELL: ... Er... Right, now, tonight we have the very best talent available today. Now, enough about me, so let's meet the contestants for tonight. This episode features Nebs, Raiku, Aussie Evil, and our very own Chaos!

{klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "Alan Davies" again}

IM A BELL: QUIT DOING THAT!

NEBS: Pleasure to be here, Alan Davies.

IM A BELL:{sighs} In that case, why don't you call me Stephen Fry, then?

RAIKU: Are we allowed to be our mary sueish selves?

IM A BELL: You aren't.

{klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "YOU SUCK", and Nebs slaps Raiku in the face for such a thought}

NEBS: Continue.

IM A BELL: ...Right. ... {holds up a card with "YOU SUCK" written on it} I'd really like to know what this has to do with the theme... ANYWAY, each contestant has their own personal buzzer. Nebs goes-

{Nebs presses his buzzer. Peter Griffin is heard laughing}

IM A BELL: Raiku goes-

{Raiku presses his buzzer. Maniacal laughter is heard}

IM A BELL: Aussie goes-

{Aussie Evil presses his buzzer. A deep laughing is heard}

IM A BELL: Chaos goes-

{Chaos presses his buzzer. A howler monkey screeching is heard}

IM A BELL: And I have trouble going. Now, this episode is all about Mary Sues. Rather appropriate for you, isn't it, Raiku? ...Right, let's get started. The first question is... What is a good thing to say to a Mary Sue to anger him?

AUSSIE: You're a selfish uptight {bleep}?

RAIKU: Easy. "Hey, I didn't know you are a girl."

IM A BELL: Ah, very good. The 'Sue could be of any gender and still be offended. Ten points. Any other ideas?

RAIKU: "Hey, is it Mary, or Sue?"

AUSSIE: "Did you actually read the source material?"

{Raiku presses his buzzer.}

RAIKU: That sucked, dude.

IM A BELL: From the sound of it, you completely ignored the fact that Mary Sues do not only exist in fanfics, Aussie. Oh, and good use of your buzzer. Two more points for you.

AUSSIE: Oh yeah, I forgot. Wesley Crusher's one as well, isn't he?

RAIKU: He was, until I killed him.

IM A BELL: Ah yes, Wesley. The Jar-Jar Binks of Star Trek. Five points. Oh, by the way, Raiku, did you crush Wesley to death? Ahahaaaohhh that was a terrible pun.

RAIKU: No, I acted like myself. He died of annoyance.

IM A BELL: ...I-Wh-Pff-Eh-I'm completely amazed. You annoyed Wesley friggin' Crusher to death? F-five more points for you. ...Well, any other thoughts on the subject?

RAIKU: No.

IM A BELL: And Nebs and Chaos likely won't answer, as they appear to have fallen asleep. Well, I must give everyone ten points for refraining from answering "you suck" to this question, as that is the obvious answer. ...Oh, now I understand. Oh, by the way, the real answer apparently was "Anything at all". Huh. Now, onto the next question. What kind of fanfic started the name Mary Sue?

RAIKU: Gargoyles fanfic.

IM A BELL: ...How so?

RAIKU: Because gargoyles are mythical, thus mary sues.

IM A BELL: ...Ah, you misheard me. Gargoyles may have been the first Mary Sues, but I was talking about the actual term "Mary Sue". I'll reword it. What kind of fanfic spawned the term Mary Sue?

RAIKU: One written by an eight year old with no imagination.

IM A BELL: ...The TERM, Raiku, the TERM. Ungh, I'll make it as simple as possible. There was a fanfic. When it was created, it involved a Mary Sue named, well, Mary Sue. Once people read it, they started calling these kinds of characters Mary Sues. Now, what was said fanfic a fanfic of?

RAIKU: Mary sue being mary sue. or Gargoyles.

IM A BELL: Er... Yes, the answer is in fact "Mary Sue fanfic". It's not really a fanfic, per se, but still. I'm surprised nobody actually said the obvious answer.

RAIKU: What is it?

IM A BELL: It was Star Trek. ...And it seems Aussie has fallen asleep as well. So, let's take a commercial break.

{fade to black. fade back in}

IM A BELL: We're back, and the contestants... Are still asleep. ... Hrm... Chaos.

{klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "ALAN DAVIES" once more. The sleeping contestants do not awake}

AUSSIE: I wasn't asleep.

IM A BELL: ...Well, the other two are. Should we wait for them?

RAIKU: No, and you lose points for saying obvious answer. DING

IM A BELL: ...Now listen here! I am the host! I give and take the points! ...It seems Chaos has awoken. Excellent. Now, onto the third question. What is the name of the main character in the absolutely dreadful Harry Potter fanfic "My Immortal"?

CHAOS: Dare I wonder why you were looking at that crap?

IM A BELL: I was bored.

CHAOS: I refuse to answer the question on the terms that I don't mess with Potterfags. They're vicious. New question.

IM A BELL: ...As I've said, it's absolutely dreadful. Even the "Potterfags" hate it. It's so bad, it was probably a troll or someone who was making fun of people who can't spell.

CHAOS: Muggles?

IM A BELL: Nnnno. ...I can't be the only one here who's heard of My Immortal.

CHAOS: {Sarcastically} Oh yes. Out of the thousands of Harry Potter fanfics on the internet, you expect us to sort through ALL of them and know about specific ones.

IM A BELL: ...No, I expect you to have at least heard of the most infamous Harry Potter fanfic on the 'net.

CHAOS: Just move on to the next question already. Neither me nor Dingus or Aussie were able to answer.

IM A BELL: Right. Well, the answer was "TaraENOBY", and the obvious answer was "Ebony". The next question is... Where can you find most Mary Sues? Oh, and, minus 5 points for you, Chaos, for the use of the word "Potterfags" earlier.

AUSSIE: Fanfiction.net.

{Nebs wakes himself up as he hears the new question.}

NEBS: Yeah, basically, the answer is fanfics, but more specifically, the fanfics written by people who don't know how to write good stories.

CHAOS: Like Raiku.

IM A BELL: ...Aussie, did you say Fanfiction.net?

{klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "FANFICTION.NET"}

IM A BELL:{holds up a card reading "Fanfiction.net"} Oh, I'm so sorry, Aussie. Minus 10 points for you. Any other thoughts on the subject of placement of Mary Sues?

CHAOS: I have an answer. Go look in the mirror.

IM A BELL: ...Well, at least I'm not the son of death.

CHAOS: At least I'm not the son of satan.

IM A BELL: But Raiku is. Oh, and, 5 points for that insul-er-ANSWER, Chaos.

CHAOS: Hoorah.

IM A BELL: Any other comments?

CHAOS: I'd like to sing a song.

IM A BELL: Well... sure. It'll fill up time.

CHAOS: Ohhh yeah! Whooo!
Everybody's lover, everybody's brother, I wanna be your lifetime friend.
Crazy as a rocket, nothin in my pocket, I keep it at the rainbow's end.
I never think of money, I think of milk 'n honey, grinnin like a cheshire cat.
I focus on the pleasure, somethin' I can treasure, can you picture that?
Can you picture that?

Let me take your picture, add it to the mixture, there it is I got you now!
Really nothin' to it, anyone can do it, it's easy and we all know how.
Now begins the changin', mental rearrangin', nothing's really where it's at,

Now the Eiffel Tower's holdin up a flower.
I gave it to a Texas cat!

{musical bridge}

Fact is there's nothin out there you can't do
Yeah, even Santa Claus believes in you.

Beat down the walls, begin, believe, behold, begat.

Be a better drummer, be an up and comer. Can you picture that?

CAN YOU PICTURE THAT??!!

All of us are winnin, pickin and a-grinnin, Lordy but I love to jam

Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!

Lost my heart in Texas, Northern lights affect us, I keep it underneath my hat,
Aurora Borealis, shinin down on Dallas! Can you picture that?
Can you picture that?

Can you picture? You gotta see it in your mind!
Can you picture? You know it's quick and easy to find!
Can you picture? You don't have to buy a frame!
Can you picture? Can you picture that?
Can you picture that?

Use it if you need it

Don't forget to feed it!

Can you picture that?

IM A BELL: ...You do realize breaking into song will not get you points, don't you? In fact, I'm going to take away five points for that, Chaos.

CHAOS: Do you like pancakes?

IM A BELL: ...Go to hell, Chaos. Anyway, the answer for this question was "In Hell, where they belong". Now, the next question is... In what way is the designation of "Mary Sue" used incorrectly most frequently?

{long pause}

IM A BELL: Er... Any guesses?

{long pause}

IM A BELL: ...Come on, somebody has to have an idea at least.

{long pause}

IM A BELL: ...Oh, come on. If nobody answers, everyone will lose varying amounts of points.

{long pause}

IM A BELL: ...Okay, I'm doing it. Nebs, Aussie, you two lose 15 points each, as you two have barely said anything today. Chaos, you lose 20 points, as you are the permanent contestant.

{klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "ALAN DAVIES"}

IM A BELL: ...Right. And Raiku, for being the most active contestant today, you only lose 5 points. Anyways, the answer is actually "to describe a main character in a series that you do not like." Now, it's time for a commercial break.

{fade to black. fade back in}

IM A BELL: And we're back. If you're just tuning in, this is QI, and this episode is all about Mary Sues. Appropriately, we have three Mary Sues here; Raiku Samiyaza, son of satan, myself, son of a robot God or Satan or something, and our resident punching bag, Abraxus Chaosus Malifact, son of Death.

{klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "ALAN DAVIES"}

IM A BELL: QUIT DOING THAT!

{klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "SORRY"}

IM A BELL: Hrm... Well, it appears we've run out of time, so I'll read the scores. In first place, it is Raiku with 32 points! In second, Aussie Evil with -10 points. In third place is Nebs with -5 points. And, in last place, is Chaos with -25 points. Now, I leave you with this quote from the late Frank Zappa; "A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules, often with the assistance of unsuspecting musicians."

{fade to black}