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Summary

#101 - Pilot

Cast: Policeman 1, Alan Saxon, Policeman 2, ARCHDUKE BLESSED, The Very Skinny Man, Bodyguard 1, Bodyguard 2,

Places: Side of the road, Jail cell,

Transcript

{fade in to Alan being handcuffed by some policemen}

POLICEMAN 1: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say-

ALAN: "can and will be used against you." I know, I know. I've heard it all before.

POLICEMAN 2: Just get in the car.

ALAN:{sighs, steps into the back of the police car} Weird-ass place...

{cut to a jail cell. Graham is lying in a bed. The cell door opens, and Graham sits up}

POLICEMAN 1:{offscreen} In you go.

{Alan is thrown into the cell, and the door slams behind him}

GRAHAM: Hey.

ALAN: Hey. {sits down on the bed opposite Graham's} What're ya in for?

GRAHAM: Killed a deer hunting for food. Turns out it's a high authority figure. You?

ALAN: Eh, I attacked a walrus.

GRAHAM: It a higher-up, too?

ALAN: Nah, the bleeding thing called the cops on me!

GRAHAM: Jesus.

ALAN: What a strange world this is...

GRAHAM: You're telling me. Where ya from?

ALAN: I'm from Cardiff.

GRAHAM: No kidding? So am I!

ALAN: Wow, really?

GRAHAM: Yep. Small world... Eh-My name's Graham. Graham Anderson.

ALAN: Alan Saxon. Nice to meet you, Graham. Listen, once I get outta this place, I'll get someone to release you.

GRAHAM: Hey, thanks!

ALAN: No problem.

{cut to a while later. The cell door opens}

POLICEMAN 1:{offscreen} Saxon! The walrus' decided to not press charges. You're free to go!

ALAN: Alright. {stands up, exits the jail cell}

{the cell door slams shut. Cut to a hall somewhere, likely in the same building as the jail cell. Alan walks onscreen, and stops at a door}

VOICE:{sounding like Brian Blessed, and coming from behind a door} YES? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

{cut to inside the room the door leads to. A man who looks very much like Brian Blessed's role as King Richard IV in the first Blackadder series is sitting at a desk with the nameplate on it reading "ARCHDUKE BLESSED". There are two muscular men in suits and sunglasses standing on either side of the desk. A very skinny man in a suit is standing in front of the desk}

THE VERY SKINNY MAN: It's about the pumpkin, my lord.

ARCHDUKE BLESSED: WHAT PUMPKIN?

THE VERY SKINNY MAN: The one you ordered, sir.

ARCHDUKE BLESSED: I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT A PUMPKIN! GUARDS, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT A PUMPKIN?

BODYGUARD 1: No, I do not sir.

BODYGUARD 2: Nor do I, sir.

ARCHDUKE BLESSED: GET HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT.

BODYGUARD 1: Yes, sir. {drags The Very Skinny Man out of the room}

THE VERY SKINNY MAN:{gradually becoming quieter as he's being dragged away. No! You can't do this to me! No! Please, my lord! Have mercy! No! Nooooo...

{Alan steps into the room}

ALAN: Erm, excuse me, my lord?

ARCHDUKE BLESSED: WHO ARE YOU?

ALAN: I am Alan Saxon, my lord.

ARCHDUKE BLESSED: ALRIGHT. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

ALAN: It's about my friend, my lord. His name's Graham, and he's been arrested. I was wondering if you could release him.

ARCHDUKE BLESSED: WHY WAS HE ARRESTED?

ALAN: He killed a deer while hunting for food, and, as it turns out, it was a high authority here.

ARCHDUKE BLESSED: HMM... OH, YOU MEAN KENNETH. I NEVER LIKED HIM. ALRIGHT, I'LL RELEASE HIM. {WRITES SOMETHING ON A PIECE OF PAPER AND HANDS IT TO ALAN} HERE, GIVE THE GUARD WATCHING HIM THIS.

ALAN: Thank you very much, my lord. {exits the room}

{pause a few seconds}

ARCHDUKE BLESSED: WAIT A MINUTE. KENNETH IS A WALRUS, NOT A DEER! OH, WHATEVER...

{cut to the outside of Graham's jail cell. Alan walks onscreen and hands the guard the piece of paper. He reads it and opens the cell door. Graham walks out of the cell}