Space Camp
From Wikimacs
This is the official script of the Group E skit from Skit Night 2002. Space Camp: Attack of the Staff was authored by Barry Huang and Ian Chen.
(Sign- )
Not too long ago, on a college campus not so far away...
(Song- opening Star Wars Title Song by Barry Huang)
(Scroll sign- )
EPISODE 3.1415926- ATTACK OF THE STAFF
THE YOUNG CHINESE JEDI KNIGHTS ARE EMBARKING ON A TRAINING CAMP ON THE DESOLATE MOUNTAIN PLANET OF FROSTBURGOOINE. LITTLE DO THEY KNOW THAT THEY ARE ABOUT TO FACE TRUE ADVERSITY: THE WMACS CAMP STAFF…
Scene 1: Aboard imperial starship
(Effect- Darth Vader-esque breathing [Barry] )
Bien Vader (Ian Chen): Prepare the camp for the Jedis' arrival.
Admiral Mok-yi (Tim Yang): Right away, Lord Bien Vader.
BV: How is the software upgrade proceeding?
Adm. M-Y: I'm installing STAHCRAFT on the Death Stah right now, Sir.
BV: Eeeexcellent...and our primary weaponry?
Adm. M-Y: All is prepared, sir. Our secret BoA* laser will reduce every man in the galaxy to grovelling slaves.
BV: Mahvelous. Mahahvelous! Target and test fire upon Ian Chen's room!
(BoA*laser fires, many guys are in Ian's room, all fall and start twitching. Someone runs on stage and places hands on ass)
(Cut back to Adm. M-Y, with "cadets")
Adm. M-Y: Ok, 12-year old female cadets, time to begin today's training. Let's start with stretches. Everyone, turn around and touch your toes…
(Cadets turn around and touch toes)
Scene 2: Jedi tryouts
(Poster: JEDI TRYOUTS TODAY)
(All trainees on stage, Barry is Meditating, puts feet behind head)
(Thomas Chu runs on stage and PRETENDS to destroy his genitalia)
(Barry dies)
Ian: OK, trainees, time to embark for Frostburgooine!
(Ian puts Barry's hand on his ass)
(Cadets follow Ian off stage)
Scene 3: Naboo
Jonny Aiwalker (James Lien): I am Jonny Aiwalker. I am cute, 10 years old, and I sweat this Queen who's like, 40 times older than me. I guess you could call that an inverse Mok-Yi.
Queen [Ian]: Hello there, Jonny.
JA: Miss Queen, will you marry me?
(Daniel Chen runs out on stage, chases Jonny off)
(Jonny runs away, bumps into Mok-Yi Binks)
Mok-Yi Binks [Barry]: Hido, meesa Mok-Yi Binks. Meesa like STAHcraft. Meesa have your meal cahd!
JA: Hide meeee!!!!!
M-Y B: Meesa take you to secret underwater all-girls preschool!
JA: But I can't swim!
(Dan catches up to Jonny)
Dan: No problem, I can give you swimming lessons for $40 an hour!
(Enter Tim Yang)
Tim Yang: Dan, can you swim??
(Dan turns around, stares at Tim)
(Everyone comes out and beats up Tim)
(Someone comes out, holds up sign: "STUPID TIM THING #1")
(Jonny and Binks escape)
Scene 4: Death Star
Adm. M-Y: NOOOOOO!!!! TANK RECALL!!!! COOOOOST!!!!
BV: You have failed me for the last time, Admiral Mok-Yi.
(Kills Mok-Yi with back rub)
BV: Admiral Jack, man the computer. YOU are the new Starcraft Technician.
Admiral Jack [Thomas]: Yessir, right away Lord Bien Vader.
BV: I sense intruders. Dispatch the Stantroopers! And send that bumbling fool Alex with them.
Adm. J: Yes, milord.
[Cut to Stantroopers trooping into Dan's room]
Stan (Quentin Tai): We found them sir, traces of Rebel activity in Dormitory Room 434. Investigating now.
(Stan and Alex struggle, cannot get out of door)
Stan: We're stuck! Help!!
Alex (Barnaby Yeh): Irene-D2, open all freezers on dormitory level 4! IRENE-D2!!! OPPEN ALL FREEZERS ON LEVEL 4!!!!
(Freezer opens, doesn't close, Stantroopers hug each other, yell "NOOOOO" and freeze to death)
BV: Bungling idiots. Admiral Jack, have you located Dan Not-So-Solo?
Adm. J: No sir, we have no idea where he is. Please don't kill me...
BV: Well, do you have the position of the Millennium Frances?
Adm. J: Yes, that we DO have.
BV: Well, there ya go!
Adm. Jack: Affirmative sir!
[Cut to Frances on bow of Star Destroyer]
Frances [Ian]: I have such a spectacular view of space. I feel like Queen of the Galaxy!
("Titanic" charades scene; Song- My Heart Will Go On [Barry] )
(Make charade line behind Frances)
(Charade 1 [Barry]: Stares at Frances/boobies, pulls open shirt)
(Charade 2 [James]: Takes off shirt)
(Charade 3 [Quentin]: Strips, goes crazy. Baby got back humming- bum bum bum etc.)
Scene 5: Frostburgooine
(The Jedi realize they have walked into a trap)
(BV steps out in front Jedi)
BV: You are all my captives.
(Admiral Mok-Yi suddenly comes out of nowhere)
Adm. M-Y: All your meal cahd ah belong to us!
BV: Wh-what you say??? Where did you come from? You're supposed to be dead!
(Bien Vader kills Adm. Mok-Yi again)
BV: Bedtime will now be (scary music- BUM BUM BUM) 11:15!!!
Cynthia [James]: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
BV: Cynthia, I am your father!
Cynthia: Ok daddy!
(Cut to Dan, Quentin, Ian, Tim’s rescue attempt downstairs)
(Sign: DOWN ONE LEVEL)
Dan: C'mon guys, we gotta rescue 'em!
Quentin: We need a distraction. Smoke would be best.
Ian: Lets put cookies in the microwave for 10 minutes! That should give us enough time to get in and out.
(All wait in elevator)
Tim: Oh wait, we forgot to push the button.
(All look at each other and wait)
Ian: So are we gonna push it now?
(Tim pushes button, all go upstairs)
(All step out of elevator, quietly sneak across stage)
(Stantroopers run on stage)
Stantrooper [Barnaby, Barry]: FREEZE!
(Stantroopers shoot and kill Ian)
Ian (pops up): Oh no, Stantroopers!
(Ian dies again, puts own hand on crotch)
(Petersen's spirit appears)
Yoda [James]: Tim, use the gravity!
Tim: But there's too much gravity on the 4th floor!
(Someone holds up sign: STUPID TIM THING #2)
Petersen: No there's not. Idiot. Remeber, ribs lead to lung. Punctured lung leads to death. Death leads to…not so good.
Tim: Oh, ok.
(Tim waves his hand, Stantroopers collapse to ground)
(The four run off stage to rescue Jedi)
Scene 6: Chamber, Jedi are held captive by Bien Vader
BV: I have been waiting for you, young Jedi knights. I have a deal to strike with you. If you can beat my Stantroopers in a push-up contest, I will let you go.
(Campers destroy Imperials in push-up contest)
(BV attempts to mind control Princess Sucha Anorexia [Thomas] and Chewbetty [Barry] )
BV (waves hand): You want to play for the counselors.
Sucha Anorexia: (As if in trance) I want to play for the counselors.
(Sucha gets down into pushup position)
SA: Chewbetty! Help me out here!
Chewie: *ROOOOOOOAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR*
(Sucha does Chewbetty-assisted push-ups, but both collapse and die)
BV (infuriated): How dare you defeat me?!?!?! Lucky for you I am a man of my word. You have 5 minutes. Go.
(Jedi scramble)
Scene 7: Richard Montgomery High School
[The Jedi return home to find Yoda Peterson and Taiwan Guy engaged in duel]
(Song- "Duel of the Fates" [Barry, James] )
Taiwan Guy [Quentin]: So, at last Yoda Peterson, we meet again. What, you want me to fly all over the place?
Yoda Peterson [James]: I see your spirit has not grown, my Padawan.
TG: He bao! Fen bao!
(Taiwan guy busts out awesome moves, but Yoda parries all)
(Yoda throws a punch)
TG: Da chuan bu guo jien!
(Yoda goes through Wushu form)
Ian (runs onstage): Master Yoda Peterson, this form is hard on my groin.
YP: Please don't ever use that sequence of words in a sentence again.
TG: Dao ru meng hu, jien shi fei feng, guen ru xuan feng, qiang shi you long!
(YP opens lightsaber)
TG: Hmmm, san ri guen, bai ri dao, xian ri jien, jiu lien qiang, da dao bu guo yi wan shang. They never said anything about lightsabers...
(YP cuts down TG)
(Barry whirls on stage with staff, others walk on)
Barry: Look guys, wo shi xuan feng!!
Scene 8: Asteroid field
(Jedi pair up into 2 "X-wings" [James/Ian, Dan/Barry], followed by a TIE fighter [Quentin/Thomas] )
(Coming towards "DO NOT ENTER" sign facing audience, Tim is looking at sign)
Tim: Hey wait up guys, but the sign says "Do not enter!"
(Someone holds up sign: "STUPID TIM THING #3")
(All starfighters screech to a halt, stare at time)
Red leader: Oh my god. Fire proton torpedoes!
(Tim blows up)
Red 3: Now, where were we?
(TIE resumes chasing lead X-Wing)
Red 3: Red Lead, you got an Ancho on your back!
Red Leader: I can't shake him!
Red 3: Wait up Red Leader, I gotta tie my shoe!
(Red Leader turns around, TIE blows past)
Red Leader: Thanks Red 3, I'm clear. Now let's go home to some chicken.
THE END
(Song- closing credits song)
Add-ons:
SONG: Vertical Horizon - You’re a God
MASSAGE TUTORIAL:
Narrator- Barry
James- Back Crack
Quentin- Back lift
Barry- Butt Massage
