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[edit] A UNIVERSITY FOR COMPLETE BASTARDS

BASTARD UNIVERSITY WAS ESTABLISHED IN 1382 FOR THE EDUCATION OF TOTAL BASTARDS. AT THE TIME, ITS ONLY ENTRY REQUIREMENT WAS AN ATTESTATION FROM THE LOCAL PRIEST THAT YOU WERE A BASTARD. BASTARDS OF THAT ERA WOULD THEN BE EDUCATED IN BASTARDISATION, BASTARD STUDIES, BEING A BASTARD AND GEOMETRICAL BASTARDS. AFTER SEVERAL YEARS THEY WOULD BE THROWN OUT OF THE UNIVERSITY ONCE THEY WERE TOO MUCH OF A BASTARD FOR EVEN THE UNIVERSITY TO DEAL WITH. THE LOCAL CITIZENS WOULD THEN BEAT THE NEWLY GRADUATED BASTARD TO DEATH FOR BEING SUCH A BASTARD. SUCH AN APPROACH WAS NOT PARTICULARLY SUSTAINABLE SO AFTER A FEW YEARS THE UNIVERSITY MOVED AWAY FROM THE TOWN OF BASTARD TO A MORE ISOLATED SETTING TO PREVENT THE IMMEDIATE MURDER OF ANYONE WHO ATTENDED.

FOR MANY YEARS, THE EDUCATION OF THE BASTARDS WAS MOSTLY IGNORED BY EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE IT WAS REGARDED AS A PILE OF SHITE. IN THE EARLY 1500S SOME WANKERS DISCOVERED THIS DEDICATED INSTITUTE OF BASTARD LEARNING AND WAS DETERMINED TO DESTROY IT. THEY RAISED AN ARMY AND SENT THEM TO ERADICATE THE BASTARDS AND THEIR BASTARDISED UNIVERSITY. THE BASTARDS BRAVELY DEFENDED THEIR UNIVERSITY BUT WERE ALL MURDERED BY THE ARMY OF WANKERS. THE DEATHS OF THE BASTARDS WERE NOT IN VAIN THOUGH. IN THE BATTLE OF BASTARD UNIVERSITY OVER 200 MILLION WANKERS DIED. THE BATTLE SUFFICIENTLY WEAKENED THE WANKERS' ARMY THAT THEY WERE NO LONGER ABLE TO CONTAIN THE OTHER BASTARDS. SOON, THE BASTARDS FROM ELSEWHERE SLAUGHTERED ALL THE WANKERS AND RE-ESTABLISHED THEIR BASTARD UNIVERSITY.

WITH THE UNIVERSITY NOW SAFELY IN THE HANDS OF A PACK OF BASTARDS, IT COULD SAFELY DEVELOP AND REBUILD. SOON, BASTARDS WORLDWIDE FLOCKED BASTARD UNIVERSITY TO BE A BUNCH OF BASTARDS. OVER THE NEXT FEW HUNDRED YEARS MANY IMPORTANT BASTARDS STUDIED THERE AND MADE IMPORTANT DISCOVERIES IN HOW TO BE A TOTAL BASTARD. THE ERA OF BEING A BASTARD REACHED ITS BASTARD PINNACLE IN THESE YEARS.

IN THE 1700S THE CHIEF BASTARD DECIDED TO REFORM THE CURRICULUM OF THE UNIVERSITY. HE FELT TOO MUCH EMPHASIS WAS BEING PLACED ON HOW TO SHIT ON YOUR OWN HANDS AND THEN SHAKE HANDS WITH OTHER PEOPLE WITHOUT WASHING YOUR HANDS WHILE TOO LITTLE EMPHASIS WAS FOCUSSED ON RANDOMLY ASSAULTING PEOPLE WHO STEER BOATS. WHILE THE MOVE WAS HIGHLY CONTROVERSIAL AT THE TIME, LEADING TO THE EXECUTION OF SEVERAL REBELLIOUS BASTARDS, IT IS NOW SEEN AS ONE OF THE FIRST STEPS TOWARDS THE MODERNISATION OF BEING A BASTARD. SUCH CHANGES WOULD REQUIRE THE USE OF NEW TECHNOLOGIES SUCH AS THE PRINTING PRESS, THE AUTOMATED BASTARDMOBILE AND THE FLUSHABLE SHITTER. TRADITIONALISTS FELT THAT THE OLD SKILLS OF HOW TO BE A BASTARD WERE BEING LOST BUT THERE WERE INCREASINGLY FEW OPPORTUNITIES FOR A BASTARD TO STEAL SOMEONE'S OXEN, FOR EXAMPLE.

THE 1800S SAW RENEWED AGGRESSION BUT THIS TIME FROM ARSEHOLES. THE ARSEHOLES ATTEMPTED TO FINANCIALLY RUIN BASTARD UNIVERSITY BY STEALING ALL THE FUCKING GOLD. A SPY FOR BASTARD UNIVERSITY MANAGED TO FOIL THE PLAN THOUGH. THEY HAD INFILTRATED THE ARSEHOLES AND KNEW OF THE PLAN. SO WHEN THE ARSEHOLES CAME TO STEAL THE GOLD IT HAD ALREADY BEEN REPLACED WITH FAKE GOLD BY THE BASTARDS. WHEN THE ARSEHOLES TRIED TO SELL THE STOLEN METAL IT WAS QUICKLY REALISED THAT IT WAS FAKE AND THE MERCHANTS MURDERED ALL OF THEM. THIS WAS ONE OF BASTARD UNIVERSITY'S GREATEST VICTORIES. THE UNIVERSITY'S LOGO WAS MODIFIED TO FEATURE A BAR OF GOLD TO CELEBRATE THE HISTORIC VICTORY. THE BAR OF GOLD STILL FEATURES ON BASTARD UNIVERSITY'S LOGO TODAY.

THE 1900S BROUGHT THE CHALLENGE OF GLOBALISATION. FOR THE FIRST TIME, MORE BASTARDS WANTED TO COME TO THE UNIVERSITY THAN THERE WERE PLACES. THIS LED TO THE FIRST STANDARDISED TESTS OF BEING A BASTARD. THESE ADMISSIONS TESTS REQUIRED THE APPLICANT TO PROVE THAT THEY WERE THE BIGGEST BASTARD AROUND. FROM THAT TIME ONWARDS, ALL ADMISSIONS TO BASTARD UNIVERSITY REQUIRED PASSING THE BAT - BASTARD ADMISSIONS TEST. TODAY, THEY ARE REGARDED AS SOME OF THE MOST BASTARDY EXAMS IN EXISTENCE.

TODAY, THE UNIVERSITY CONTINUES ITS ORIGINAL MISSION OF EDUCATING COMPLETE BASTARDS. IT OFFERS A VARIETY OF DEGREES IN BEING A BASTARD INCLUDING B.BAST, B. BASTSCI, M.BAST AND PH.BAST. THE FORMATION OF A WELL-ROUNDED TOTAL BASTARD IS STILL AT THE HEARD OF WHAT BASTARD UNIVERSITY DOES. BOTH THE THEORETICAL AND PRACTICAL SIDES OF BEING A BASTARD ARE STUDIED AT BASTARD UNIVERSITY AND IT LOOKS LIKE MANY MORE BASTARDS WILL BE BASTARDISED BY THE UNIVERSITY FOR MANY YEARS TO COME.