ROFLWAFFLES
From Uncyclopedia 2
| ROFLWAFFLE | |
|---|---|
| File:Roflwaffles mating.JPG
Two ROFLWAFFLES in the midst of mating. | |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Awesomae |
| Class | Foodia |
| Order | Delicious |
| Family | Breakfastia |
| Genus | Wafflus |
| Species | rofflus |
| Conservation status | Alive |
| Habitat | Europe |
ROFLWAFFLES is a phrase in internet-speak that was created when a n00b realized that "ROFL" and "waffle" rhyme (unless you pronounce each letter of ROFL like "R-O-F-L" or if you pronounce waffle so that it rhymes with "raffle"). It is not to be confused with ROFLPANCAKES, a phrase in internet-speak created by a dumbass who thought "ROFL" and "pancake" rhyme.
Despite its common use as a phrase in internet-speak, ROFLWAFFLES were also a species of dinosaur. In addition, they are commonly accepted to be the ancestor of modern waffles.
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Prehistoric ROFLWAFFLES
The ROFLWAFFLE was first discovered as a fossil in 1923 by archaeologist and mountaineer Sir Edmund Hillary during a dig in Great Britain. Soon after he found the fossil, Hillary dubbed it Wafflus rofflus, meaning in Latin "ROFL WAFFLE", because he couldn't stop cracking up when he realized he had unearthed a giant, fossilized waffle. When Hillary gathered himself, he built a large toaster, cooked the waffle, drenched it in syrup and butter, and ate it for breakfast. Of course, because the waffle was huge, Sir Hillary's stomach exploded, killing him. Sadly. Although he had dubbed it "one of a kind", the fossil Hillary found would not the last. The rest of Hillary's expedition, after deciding that Hillary was certainly dead, came to the consensus that they should not let a perfectly good trip go to waste and unearthed more fossils in the next few days. When word of this got out, the scientific community was shocked.
The fossils Hillary's expedition had found showed the ROFLWAFFLE was a winged creature standing ten feet tall and twenty-five feet across, covered in green scales, and very much to the liking of the band Queen. He believed the ROFLWAFFLE to have dominated the skies, terrorizing and breathing fire on civilians. Scientists easily denounced this as absurd, offering the explanation that the group had merely come across ancient deposits of baked goods.
However, when the ancient cave of Lascaux and its many cave paintings were stumbled upon September 12, 1940 in France, the scientific community realized their grave mistake: Amongst the paintings were depictions of the ROFLWAFFLE terrorizing primitive European tribes too poor to afford internet access.
This find stunned scientists, verifying many of the claims made from examining fossils, and yet causing controversy. Many scientists claimed that Lascaux must be a hoax created by ROFLWAFFLE fans such as Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, and Claude Monet, as there was no way such waffles could have existed without superior baking technology. This absolute denial went on until finally, in 1955, a group of scientists who studied the ROFLWAFFLE in its natural habitat (modern Europe) published their findings. The very next year, Wafflus rofflus was officially named a species. When hearing of this news, the rest of Sir Edmund Hillary's expedition said, "Told you so!"
ROFLWAFFLES as Food
ROFLWAFFLES are known to be quite delicious as well as nutritious. It is often said that ROFLWAFFLES taste so incredibly awesome that no matter what they are topped with, they always taste awesome. This was proved in a famous experiment by Albert Einstein. To begin, he took two dead ROFLWAFFLES and topped one with disgusting things such as bugs and poo-poos. The other was left plain. Both were then fed to a blindfolded colleague. Einstein was astounded when his colleague stated that both waffles tasted precisely the same: awesome.
No one, however, has dared to top a ROFLWAFFLE with another ROFLWAFFLE because of the fear that combining such awesomeness can be deadly. This fear is not unfounded, according to many physicists. They say that the human skull is not strong enough to contain the awesome power of two ROFLWAFFLES on top of each other. Therefore, eating a ROFLWAFFLE topped with another ROFLWAFFLE would cause your head to asplode. This is one of the few known methods to kill Chuck Norris,Steven Seagal or Jack Bauer.
Destructive Power
Despite this, there has been one known instance in history where topping a ROFLWAFFLE with another ROFLWAFFLE produced a force of awesome so powerful it almost completely leveled Hiroshima, Japan on August 6, 1945, killing 73,000 people. Strangely, the explosion left behind large amounts of radioactive material, indicating that ROFLWAFFLES are probably composed largely of enriched uranium.
The news of such an atomic explosion did not reach the nearby city of Nagasaki in time for another disaster to be prevented, though. Three days later, on August 9, 1945, another explosion completely leveled Nagasaki in the same manner as Hiroshima. It was a tragedy. But, with the application of modern thinking, "a whole buttload of deaths" became statistics.
Research
The further combination of ROFLWAFFLES and the resulting destructive power is yet to be proven. Though, there are mathematically calculated theories of such combinations, working from the knowledge of the atomic explosions achieved by the combination of two ROFLWAFFLES. The main theory states that the combination of three ROFLWAFFLES accumulates enough power to generate a super nova, or cause the immediate creation of a black hole. It is further speculated that the sun was created by such a fusion.
Research on combining larger numbers of ROFLWAFFLES has been impossible, as there is no method of mathematical calculation known to mankind able to predict any results. Hence, it is officially stated the fusion of four or more ROFLWAFFLES results in absolutely nothing. This is because the potential energy of the ROFLWAFFLES cancel each other out, causing a total neutralization between them.
Controversy
It has often been said that the United States is, in fact, responsible for Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and that the cause of the explosions were two atomic bombs named Fat Man and Little Boy, dropped by a plane called the Enola Gay, but this is false. Although it is true that the U.S. was planning to bomb the two cities, military reports show that when the Enola Gay reached its targets, they were already obliterated. Regardless, President Harry S. Truman, determined to prove to the world he was responsible for killing hundreds of thousands, announced on the radio that the Enola Gay had done the deed.
Sandwiches
It is possible to eat two ROFLWAFFLES simultaneously, despite the fact it is dangerous, so long as neither ROFLWAFFLE makes direct contact with the other. Or, in simpler terms, it is possible to eat a sandwich using two ROFLWAFFLES instead of two slices of bread. This fact has led to the common substitution of ROFLWAFFLES for sandwich bread. It is not commonly known that a great many of famous sandwiches used ROFLWAFFLES for bread, including the great Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 and the fabled Überwich.
- Note: It is not suggested that someone should buy ROFLWAFFLE bread and create a famous sandwich on their own. Both the Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 and the Überwich were created in top-secret, classified labs by expert sandwichologists under extremely safe conditions. Refusal to comply with such safety standards could result in death, or worse.
Anti-ROFLWAFFLEism
As long as ROFLWAFFLES have existed, of course, there has been Anti-ROFLWAFLLEism. Although there have not been any major anti-ROFLWAFFLE movements, several groups have existed solely for the reason of opposing ROFLWAFFLES for a very long time. The most recent of these groups was the Ku Klux Klan, formed in the late 1800s by a man named Kevin Ku Klux, whose initials are, ironically, ROFLWAFFLES. It is believed that his initials were a main factor that led to Kevin Ku Klux's fierce opposition of ROFLWAFFLES. However, with the manner in which he spelt "clan" as "klan", historians now believe that Kevin's initials were ROFLWAFFLES merely because he was horribly unable to spell. New research also indicates that this Kevin Ku Klux was the same guy who came up with the internet-speak phrase "ROFLPANCAKES".
