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Legends of Virgil's Ex-Girlfriends was written by [[Virgil]], and tells the story of his girlfriends and other females he's encountered. Some of them are humorous because all of you are sadistic assholes, others are heartwarming, and some are just plain funny. It is named similarly to [[Legends of Batman]] and [[Legends of Teacher Dickery]].Some people thinks Virgil just makes this up, but he honestly doesn't care. He's just happy to be writing.

'''Ex-Girlfriends of long period of times''' - by length of time.
<br>Aileen
<br>Mary
<br>Karen
<br>Shelley
<br>Belle
<br>Melody


'''Ex-Girlfriends for short periods of time''' - no particular order.
<br>Sarah
<br>And a bunch of other girls that were unimportant and whose names he's mostly forgotten.


'''Girls he "dated" but were not girlfriends''' - order of which the dates went
<br>Laura
<br>Sara
<br>Kaly


'''Good Female Friends''' - No particular order, here just 'cause
<br>Natalia
<br>Laura (A different one)
<br>Marybeth
<br>Nicole
<br>Jillian
<br>April


==Stabbed In The Neck, lolpwned==

Belle shared a house with two of her older sisters. I always had to be a bit cautious when I entered it because not only was Belle a fucking insane monster demon from hell, but the middle sister was twenty times worse. Oh, and all three of them are currently what you'd call my ex-girlfriends.

Whenever I entered that house, it was like Solid Snake entering a new enemy base. I'd enter all cautiously, looking around, prepared for any attack. I'd look all around, I'd look on the floor (Oh they loved ambushing you from the floor) nowhere was safe. This time I thought I was safe. I could hear Mary, the middle sister, screaming at her husband in another room, and Belle was sitting on the couch smiling at me. It didn't occur to me that she had turned the couch around to face the door until I had walked through said door. It also didn't occur to me that the door was slightly open until the brick ontop of the door fell ''onto my fucking head.''

Now regardless of what the movies might tell you, that doesn't knock you out. It just hurts like a bitch. A really really really big bitch. As I was clutching my head in a fetal position on the ground moaning like the little girl I truly am, Belle calmly walked over to me (or at least I assumed she did. Hell, that's what she always did when she had me cornered) and stabbed me in the neck.

''She stabbed me in the neck.''

'''''SHE STABBED ME IN THE FUCKING NECK!'''''

I say that thrice because I think it bears repeating. For some odd reason, that's the part of the tale that all my friends love. Yeah, well fuck you friends. Fuck you up the ass!

She helped me to my feet and...I'm sorry, I can't lie. She pretty much hurled me to my feet and demanded I "walk it off you fucking sissy!" When all I could do after having a goddamned brick drop onto my head followed by a woman stabbing me in the neck was stumble around in one place she shoved me all the way to the couch, where I collapsed on top of it. Luckily I was rightside up, so I could see the rest of the marvelous proceedings.

She twirled the instrument of stabbation around in her hands a bit, very very happy about all that transpired, and gloated about how she "finally got me". This made very little sense to me because, well...You'll read about it in other Legends.

Anyways, instrument of stabbation. Turned out it was an acupuncture needle. It seems Belle just wanted to have a little talk. Oh. That's it. So in order to have a little talk, she explained to me, she nearly knocked me unconcious and then stabbed me with an acupuncture needle tipped with blahblah which is a paralyzing agent that---

Whoawhoah whoa...What the fuck, whore? What was that last part? ''A paralyzing agent''? Did I hear this right? Did my girlfriend just ''poision me'' with her ancient Asian secrets?

Fuck. After Mary I said I'd never date another one ever again. And what did I go and do? Date another one again. And where did it land me? Paralyzed on a couch in front of a fucking crazy whore who just poisoned me in order to have "a little talk"

Well joke was on her. It seems that if you use enough of whatever-the-fuck-she-used to paralyze an entire person's body, especially someone my size, it's more than certain that the parts necessary for oral communication aren't going to be working.

She didn't figure this out until after the fifth or sixth time she punched me for not responding. At which point she went on an hour long rant about how I never spend enough time talking to her and how this all could have been avoided if I just listened and...Well honestly I stopped listening after 10 minutes.

Whatever she was saying was probably true, but she sure as hell didn't have to do this to convey the message. A simple "Why won't you listen to me?!" punch in the kidneys would have worked.

In my defense though, she never had anything worth listening to. Just ranting and raving about how her sisters were being oppressive. Christ she was so angsty. Also I had some potential I needed to fulfill...All my girlfriends harp on that. Christ I hate that.

Anyways, after a while the shit wears off, right? Except I play dumb and pretend I still can't talk or anything. Unfortunatly eventually I cough and that game's over. So I get kicked once or twice for lying.

Anyways, by that point she's too pissed at the day's events to finish our little talk, so I get to "escape for now" (Christ she's so dramatic) Just a little bruised, just a little battered, just a little scarred for life.

LEGENDS OF VIRGIL'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS!


I hereby swear that everything I said above is true. Except that part where I said 'You'll hear about this in later Legends" I may never write those. Maybe just one, but I know the next one won't be about that whacky family.




==The Full Tale Of Sara==

Sara is the only girl I've ever dated who was younger than me. I thought that after so many older girls, maybe it was time to give a younger girl a try. But oh, guess what, I got another psycho.

She seemed like a normal girl at first though. She liked anime, video games, the like. Our first date was to go see ''Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.'' We wanted to see an IMAX showing, but they were all sold out so we went to a regular one instead.

As I got to know her more, I realized she wasn't quite who she said she was. She said she loved video games but I found out she owned about five or six and they were pretty much the only ones she'd ever played. She was currently playing "her absolute favorite one ever!" which was...Final Fantasy X-2. She'd never even heard of games like Chrono Trigger.

She also said she liked anime. Well, if by "the anime that comes on the premium channels late at night' then yeah, she likes anime. She didn't like any of the stuff on Cartoon Network because 'it was too mainstream"

At this point I was getting a little "poser" vibe from her.

Add in the fact that everything had to be dark and kinda moody...Oh fuck. She's also a fake-goth. Goddammit, I hate fake-goths. Oh well. At least she hasn't gone psycho yet. That's a good sign, right?

So one night we're at my place on the couch watching a comedian's stand up special. She doesn't do the whole smiling routine (ie acting human) around anyone but me, but as long as she's smiling around me, I'm fine with her. So I put my arm around her waist and she gets snuggly and then we start kissing and then suddenly...things freeze. She just pulls back and away. She then just stares straight at the TV and watches it, moves my hand away from her waist (but her back's pinning my arm to the couch so I can't exactly bring it back to me) and we're in an uncomfortable position.

Now this is new to me. This has never happened to me before, ever. I'm not trying to come off as some awesome player or anything, but it really hadn't. Of course, then again, all my other girlfriends had been extremely aggressive and I had never been the one who had to make the first move so yeah...this all kind of was new to me.

So after all this, I take her home, and the car ride is unusually silent. I don't see her for a few days, she stops hanging out at the spot where we hang out together after school. She just up and vanishes. So Valentine's Day rolls around. I've figured out where she's hanging out now and I bring her some roses, a teddy bear, and some chocolates and try to soothe whatever this is out. I don't need to know the reason. I've been with enough people who've never had reasons before to know there are plenty of times where there isn't a reason. I try to talk to her but she's brushing me off with a very cold shoulder and all. Her friends look very confused. Eventually I just give up.

:"Alright then. I guess that's it then."
:"Yep."
:"Goodbye for good?"
:"K."
:"...You realize that's me saying "We're through, I'm breaking up with you, etc"?"
:"K"

So I leave the stuff there and walk out. Next day though, I get to my locker and find a note stuff in there. Want to know what it was?

'''A goddamned break up letter.'''

She broke up with me after we were already broken up. And the entire letter was as if she was completely unaware that we had had that conversation the day before. It was full of excuses, etc. "Im' so sorry...I just hate smiling...and you were always making me smile." "There's just no room in my life yet for a guy like you." And crap like that.

Fake-goths piss me off.

So I go home later that day with the note in my hand and a smile on my face. My mom gives me the standard motherly greeting "What happened at school today?"

:"Oh...Nothing...Sara broke up with me."
:"...Didn't you break up with her yesterday?"
:"Yeah. Apparently she didn't get the memo, because she gave me one today."

So I had to hand my mother over the note (My mom is a character, christ I could do Legends about her) and I could see shock run over her face. As she read it she kept muttering phrases like "Oh my..." "Something's not right with this girl..." 'She's...mentally ill...or something..."

Now my mom never knew about my other girlfriends. I thought this for the best. I never wanted the cops called on them, and that's something my mother would have done in a heartbeat. She's such a caring person. In fact she's so caring she gave me a lecture after reading the note about how Sara wasn't in a good place in her life right now, and how I should pray that she finds her way, and I should do everything I could to help her. My mom's so sweet.

The story doesn't end there though. Not by a longshot. What happens over the course of a next few weeks is uncertain to me, I just hear summaries. My mom talked to her mom, told her about the note, my mom found out that Sara cuts herself, and she also found out that Sara broke up with me because I got "a bit too touchy".

Huh? Christ I...No. Fuck it. Not gonna argue with my mom on this one. Just gonna say that's not true and go upstairs to play video games.

About five or six months later I got an IM from one of my friends. It led to a userprofile on a website called Vampire Freaks. Guess who's profile it was? Sara's.

It listed all sorts of information about Sara I had never known before. Such as the fact she was only attracted to gay men. Or that she planned on having a sex changed when she was older so that she could ''become'' a gay man. And it had pictures of the main characters from that yaoi anime Gravitation plastered all over it.

:'''Me:''' Where did you get this?
:'''Friend:''' Someone found it in the computer lab. They were talking about it in the bus on the way to PE. It's been spread around the school.
:'''Me:''' Wow.
:'''Friend:''' Didn't you used to date her?
:'''Me:''' Yeah...Then I got "too touchy" and we broke up.
:'''Friend:''' Probably because you're not a gay man. lol

Well that explains a lot. It seems by getting touchy, I had made her realize I wasn't gay. That's why she broke up with---Wait...Fuck...If she realized--that means--oh...oh...She only went...oh...

''SHE ONLY WENT OUT WITH ME BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT I WAS GAY?!''

What the fuck is wrong with her? What the hell is the use with dating a gay man? You're not gonna screw him. Obviously she didn't want to screw the gay man because when the "Gay man" became sexually interested she went cold fish. And you're no use to the gay man because he won't be screwing you!

Something is fucking wrong with that girl. And don't get me started on the sex change.

The story doesn't end there though. Oh no. It gets better. It involves my mother again.

One day my friend JD (Who is currently a roommate) and I were talking to my mom. Sara came up and my mom talked about how "Well...Virgil...She was a good girl...But...if you hadn't gotten so touchy..."

At that point she was interrupted from the snickers by both JD and myself. My mother was confused so JD elaborated. "Sara's a girl...who only likes gay guys."

It took my mother a second or two to not get this. "What?" So this time. I elaborated.

"She only went out with me because she thought I was gay."

"What?!"

"Yes, and so when we were kissing she figured out "Oh dear, he's attracted to me, he must NOT be gay!" she got upset that she wasn't dating a gay man, and that's when we broke up."

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah, and we didn't find out until we found her website that says she only likes gay men and that she wants to have a sex change so she can become a gay man."

At this my mom was just speechless. So JD chimed in.

"Don't forget that you only knew about this website after the rest of the school found out and Brad sent it to you."

"Oh right, and I only knew about said website after the rest of the school found out and Brad sent it to me via the internet."

My mother kinda babbled incoherent nonsense a bit before she finally managed to get out "Do you have one of these websites Virgil?!"

"No."/"hahaha...No" (I was tellling the truth and JD was lying. I had simply forgotten about my OkCupid account)

So there was a bit longer conversation about this before I went and logged onto the website, remembered her screenname, and plugged it in for my mom to see.

Let me tell you, there is nothing funnier than seeing your mom try to comprehend how an ex-girlfriend of yours wants nothing more than to ride a gay man's cock after having a sex-change.

:'''Me:''' "Oh, mom, just so you know, see all those pictures of anime people kissing?"
:'''Mom:''' "Yeah?"
:'''Me:''' "Those are all dudes."
:'''Mom:''' "No! The one with pink hair looks like a girl!"
:'''Me:''' "That's what happens in a thing called yaoi. The Japanese are perverts. I only know because that's a famous show called Gravitation and...uh...A friend made me watch it."

At this point my mom stopped dead.

Mom: "Don't you ever do that stuff! Not even with JD!"

Now hearing your mom imply that you'd have anal sex with one of your best friends while said best friend is in the room could be either highly embarrassing or highly amusing. Considering the force with which she said it, we both found it highly amusing, and I was cluthing my sides laughing, while he decided to simply lean against a wall for support. My mom didn't realize what was so funny though. It seems she meant "Watch gay porn" and didn't realize she said "have gay sex" My mom quickly reassured us that she realized both of us were perfectly straight men, but even if we were gay, she'd still love us both.

:'''Mom:''' "Just don't watch gay porn, because if you do that, then someone else can run around saying...Hey! He watched gay porn!"
:'''Me;''' "Well there's an inheirant flaw with that..."
:'''JD:''' "...Being that someone will eventually ask 'How do you know?"
:'''Me:''' "And the dude will HAVE to say..."
:'''JD:''' "Well...I watched it with him"

I don't know if my mom has told Sara's mom yet. Though I think that would be fucking hilarious. Maybe the school has already told Sara's mom, which would be even more hilarious. I don't know.

A while after I graduated, I talked to Sara again (she was on speaking terms with me after I was a wizard in the school musical and I had to dress in all purple and appear really gay) and she said 'Oh? You broke up with me? I feel so much better, I thought I broke up with you and I felt so bad for doing that!"

Christ that girl is dumb.

I also told her I'm not straight. Which pissed her off to no end for some reason. Apparently I should have told her while we were dating.

Now I just need to tell me mum and dad...

LEGENDS OF VIRGIL'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS! (And his Mum!)

I hereby swear that all of the above events are true! With the except of my mum calling me Virgil (she calls me by my birth name. As JD says; "No one calls you Virgil. Nobody.") and she calls JD by his first and last name, which is why I went by his nick name.

Afternote: While posting this here, I found out that Sara's VampireFreaks account no longer exists. You people didn't write horrible things on her guestlog, did you?

==What Not To Do When Confronted By Things That Explode With Fire==

There was a period of time where I dated as many girls as I could (even at the same time!) just to date them. For a good majority I never knew if they knew about each other or not, and I never cared. I wasn't dating them for their value as people or as objects. It was kind of a "Well, it seems the neccessary thing to do to get people to shut up, so I'll do it" kind of thing.

Anyways, so I had this girlfriend once named Sheila. She looked rather nice if you're into blondes (which I'm not) and had a pretty good body, but I wasn't interested. Partly the reason I said above, but mostly because she was stupid as shit. So on our third or so date/outing/whatever, we took her to this field my friends and I usually hung out at way out in yet-to-be-urban-sprawled suburbia. What was loved about this place is you could hold a kickass party and no one would ever notice, because it was so far away from everything. Kinda like that rave in Freddy vs Jason. Now there's a bunch of houses where that field was. I wasn't the party type, though my friends were. I was the "blow stuff up" type, and I did that.

This was back when the internet's primary purpose wasn't shopping or porn, but rather handing out information. And it was rather easy to find information on how to build explosives of any caliber. So I'd light/ignite things that were just above firework quality, but were a big enough fireball to be impressive. I'll admit this was all rather dangerous, but back then I really couldn't have given a damn.

All my friends always stayed back when I went to go light the stuff because, well, they did give a damn if they got blown up. But as I went to go ignite the homemade-fireworks this time, I noticed something right as the fire caught.

There was someone behind me.

"Sheila, what are you doing here?"
"Oh, I just wanted to see what you were doing."
...
"What do you mean you wanted to see what I was doing?! I told you I was going to light the fuse and then...Fuck it. It's lit and about to blow! Run!"
"But I'm in high heels!"
"RUN!"

She refused to run from something that was about to explode because she was in high heels and was afraid she would trip. Now, nowadays I'd have just plowed into her, picked her up, and run with her.

Back then though, I was only a little taller than 5 foot, and I weighed about 100 pounds. She was taller than me, and also weighed more.

"So take off the shoes?"
"The grass is all wet! I don't want to get my feet wet!"

I just stared at her. Then I pointed at the little love-bomb.

"That thing. Is going to. EXPLODE. With fire. It is going to explode with fire. Would you rather your feet get wet or ---"

'''''KABOOOM!'''''

The force of the explosion and the resulting shockwaves are usually worse than the fire. Since the covering was made of paper, there was luckily no shrapnel.

However, the element of surprise is always what fucks you up the most. Both of us jumped. Since my back was to it, I really didn't see it coming. I kinda fell forward into the wet grass and planted my face right into the dirt underneath. Since she somehow didn't realize there was a goddamned explosive device near her despite the fact she was looking at it, she tripped on her high heel as she was trying to back up, and fell on her ass.

So she begins crying. First I think it's because she's a little wuss. After I pick myself up and wipe the dirt from my face and clothes, I look over and realize she's crying about the fact she broke her high heel and has some dirt on her clothes.

"Well then you stupid whore, you shouldn't have followed me all the way out here, should you?"

So for some reason she gets pissed at me. We walk back to the others, and they wonder what the hell I put in that thing, for it was the loudest yet. They see her crying, I tell them what happen, they laugh at her, and for some reason she breaks up with me.

Women.

LEGENDS OF VIRGIL'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS!


I hereby state that the above is all totally true. Especially the part where she's a stupid dumb whore who doesn't know to stay away from explosives if she can't run away from them in time.




==Mary Shuts Up==

This is another tale of abuse, so you bastards sure had better be happy.

I don't remember the exact cause of the incident, but I had pissed Mary off. And when I say pissed, I mean pissed. Usually I just got her very dramatic actions (Belle was a melodramatic speaker, Mary had dramatic actions. Every little twirl of her wrist, flutter of her hair, all made to look dramatic towards the situation at hand. And not melodrama like Belle. If you casted her as lead villainess in a movie, she'd fit right in without needing any coaching.) and her cold, calculating stare as she thought what the hell she'd do to me for screwing up whatever the hell I screwed up. Usually it resulted in physical pain (which I hated as hell and tried to avoid) but this is one of the few times she lost her cool.

And she lost her cool.

Like I said, I don't remember much about what started it. My memory starts at me curled up in a fetal position on the floor, trying to turn over and somersault and do anything I could to get out of the way of her. Unfortunately she caught up to me because I had yet to learn to look where I was going and I trapped myself in a corner. That's when the pounding began.

She began stomping on me. Real fucking hard. Over and over and over again. Now I hadn't been with Mary too long, but I had been with her (and Aileen before her) long enough to know that asking her to stop was useless. Pretty much the best hope was to wait for a break, a momentary pause, and then dash away, dash away, dash away all.

Unfortunately she was really really really pissed at me, and that momentary pause never came. My arms held up infront of me to shield me from her feet gave way before she did and I began recieving those kicks to my stomach. Now, she may have been a seemingly lightweight gal, but she was rather strong, and those kicks fucking hurt. Especially repeatedly. This kept going on for a bit, until I noticed a really really, sharp pain in my ribs. Wait, did I use the word "until"? Silly me, that implies that it stopped there. No, it kept going on for a little bit after that, but that's the marker I use as when she began to stop.

So she looks down at me in contempt, obviously she's still pissed at me (Whatever I did must have really really pissed her off) and she turns around to walk away. I clutch my side and I feel something there and I look down.

It's a heel. one of the heels from her high heels broke off. She broke her high heels stamping on me. Christ.

But wait...there's more!

What happens when a woman turns to walk away on a broken high heel she doesn't know she has?

She falls flat on her face.

Now, I've only ever hit a woman without them hitting me first a few times in my life (counting now), and I usually gave them fair warning. But hell. She hit me first.

I'm pretty quick to my feet, even more so then. So I spring at her, both hands clenched in a fist, and bring them down in a overhead smash ontop of her skull, smashing it back into the carpet as she was trying to get up.

You know that scene in Blazing Saddles when the Sherrif goes out to take care of Mongo? He takes out his gun and the Waco Kid says "Oh no, don't do that." "Why not?" "If you shoot him, you'll only make him angry."

I only made her angry.

When she raised her head and looked at me, I swear I could see the reason the Greeks cast the blame on a woman for letting hatred into the world.

And when she backhanded me, I swear I could see Orion's Belt. And it wasn't around a cat's neck.

Now remember, we're near a corner. Which is two walls. That backhand was strong enough to slam my head back into a wall. There! I'm seeing more stars! Suddenly I've got some hands at my throat and I'm being lifted up and I think I'm off the ground. Ah fuck...First Aileen now her...

BWAM!

She raised me above her head and threw me against the other wall. Fucking hell, I think I completed the constellation. Didn't hurt that I landed on my neck. Oh no wait, it did.

At this point I looked around for anything I could use as a weapon. Because when you're going against someone who has a longer reach than you and is very significantly stronger than you, you want something to throw at them. Even if it's just a...shoe? Bingo! In all that she had done, Mary had managed to take off her shoes. In retrospect (which I did many times later) that makes sense, as I doubt she'd have had a good base to lift me with a broken high heel under her. I dived towards them and...got a foot in the side for it. Managed to get them though! Hooray for the small victories. So I hurled one at her, and it missed. Hurled the other at her, and it missed. She came walking calmly towards me, and that was the fucking scary as hell thing I tell you what, the calm part, and so I backed up real fast right into...a wall.

I fell to the ground semi-defeated and felt something jabbing me in the rear. I reached behind me. Can you guess what I found? That's right! It was the broken heel! So I grabbed a good hold of it and when she got closer I got ready. She got closer, I got ready. She got more closer, I got more ready. The more closer she got, the more ready I got, and the more grammar I lost. Finally it looked like she was gonna hit me again, and I threw it at her.

Bullseye! Hit her right between the eyes! Damage: Zip! But it did confuse her for a bit, long enough for me to get out from between her and the wall, and away from the blasted fucking corner. It was at this time that things got horribly worse because I opened my mouth.

"Mary...You can stop now you know. Aileen and I have done this thing many times before. I know the whole blind-rage-punch-things-as-hard-as-you-can fighting style and it's not very effective against someone who can, how should I put it...get out of the way fast enough. Which I can."

This caused her to smirk. Unfortunately, smart as I was, I didn't account for the fact that because Aileen and Mary were so radically different, that maybe, you know, Mary wouldn't charge into this like a fucking semi-truck. Well you know what? I was wrong. I was very wrong.

You ever seen that anime Naruto? You ever seen just about any scene with Neji? And I mean ''just about any scene with Neji''. That is what fucking hit me. God damned Asians with their kung-fu. I don't know if you've ever been hit by shit like that but let me tell you how it is; You feel it. That's all. You don't know where you're being hit, you just know that you're being hit. A lot. You don't know how many times, you just know that it's a lot. And it's all over. You're not sure where though. Just...all over. And it hurts. A lot.

I'd never been in an actual fight with Mary before. Before this it'd been: Mary hits Virgil. Virgil hits her back. Mary hits Virgil hard enough that he decides not to continue this. Nothing continues. But as we saw from all that happened earlier, those conditions weren't met.

Have you ever felt prolonged pain? Like you have no clue how much time has passed, but you just know you want the pain to stop, no matter what? That's what whatever was happening to me was doing. I could tell she was hitting me with something. It was damned fast though, and the really good martial artists are like that. From the way I was walking afterwards, I'm pretty sure she got my neck, my shoulders, thighs, not sure about the ribs (she got those pretty good earlier) hell I'm not sure. That throw against the wall got me pretty good...I do know that eventually someone put a stop to it.

"Mary, that is more than enough."

Oh man, it was like being underwater too long and then suddenly reaching the surface again. I could feel my body again. I dunno...that's sorta hard to describe. But when you've had that much physical force constantly put on your body for an extended period of time and it's then lifted, it's very refreshing.

So as I'm thanking whatever the hell I believed I should thank back then, Mary and one of her other boyfriends, Todd, were having a little arguement over how she was treating me. It pretty much ended with this little bit of conversation.

"Don't you ever do that to him again. He's a kid. He can't defend himself."
"And what'll happen if I do."
"Then I'll come after you."
"I doubt I'd have to worry about you."
"If that's your belief you can not worry about me now if you'd like."

One of the few times I'd ever heard Mary be silent because of someone else.

LEGENDS OF VIRGIL'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS! (Oh, and Todd!)


I hereby swear that the above is all true.

Don't worry too much for me folks. Things improved. That was the worst Mary ever was to me. Todd made sure of that. He's a great guy all around, one of the most decent people I've ever met, and a real interesting guy.

I left around then because since Mary was also dating Todd (I was very into open relationships, as were the people I dated) I figured they wanted time to be alone. I went off to go see Aileen, who I was also dating at the time. She saw what Mary did to me and threatend to kill Mary if she ever did anything like that again. I mean it. She told Mary, face to face, that she'd kill her. And they were best friends too. Apparently I was Aileen's punching bag alone. Huh...I guess that's another...

LEGENDS OF VIRGL'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS!

Edit: Just so you know: Mary's Height/Weight: 6'1, 120lbs. Virgil's Height/Weight: 5'3. 130lbs. At time of fight, anyways.




==I Mean It. Right In The Face==

So I was having a good day with Mary. She wasn't angry or anything. Actually it was a very good day. A ''very'' good day. In fact let's just say I'm skipping most of the first part of the story for decency's sake and going right to the part where Mary's no longer on her knees and is walking to the bathroom.

Now at this point I'm very relaxed, very comfortable, as most men are at this time. Something then interrupts my relaxation time as Aileen walks through the door. Aileen is always welcome at Mary's place as is Mary at Aileen's, however the suddenness of the door's opening caught me by surprise and I moved rather quickly to, ahem, cover myself.

Of course, I didn't move fast enough for Aileen to not have noticed what just transpired. She grinned as she looked at me fumbling with my pants (Why the hell was I doing that? She'd seen that before) to Mary who was standing near the hallway giving her quite a stare. Aileen then spoke up.

"You know Virgil, Mary's been talking about wanting to have a baby an awful lot lately. It wouldn't surprise me if she wasn't going to the bathroom to spit that out in the sink, but to spit it out into something she can use to help her along her goal."

At this point Mary gave her a ''You Bitch!'' stare, which pretty much confirmed what Aileen just said. Now, since I didn't want to have any kids at the age of 14, I decided that something needed to be done. I got up from the couch and slowly walked towards her.

"Mary...Spit that out. Now."
"Mmffm mff."
"Or you can swallow it. I don't care. Just get rid of it. Now."
She shook her head.
"Listen...if you don't get rid of it right now...and right here I'm gonna...gonna..."
I thought about it a second, and here on this spot originated a catch phrase I would carry with me throughout my life.
"If you don't get rid of it right fucking now I'm gonna punch you in the face."
She looked at me with contempt, as if she didn't believe I could do it. And yeah, this was post-large-ass-beating.
"I mean it Mary. Right with in the face."
She shook her head again.

'''''KLUDD!'''''

Like I've said before, only a few times in my life have I hit a girl before she hit me first. This was one of them. But oh hell, no fucking way was I letting her get to the bathroom with possible children in her mouth.

Now, being punched in the face with proper warning caught her by surprise for some reason. And what she didn't swallow kind of, well just imagine what would happen if someone punched you in the cheek if you had a mouthful of soda or something.

At this point Mary got real mad. Luckily not at me.

"Aileen you bleeding cunt why the fuck did you---"

At this point I retreated back to the couch and listened to Mary shout at a very smug Aileen. From what I gathered Mary had done something to piss off Aileen, and Aileen just got her payback.

From then on I always had to watch Mary. It's a wonder she doesn't have any kids yet.

LEGENDS OF VIRGIL'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS!




I hereby swear that the above is true. The reason I stopped where I did with Mary's yelling at Aileen is I only remember tidbits of that conversation and I didn't feel like filling in blanks.





==Interlude: Mary In A Nutshell==

[[Image:MaryNusthell.jpg]]





==Melody The Killer==

"You can't hide from me forever you little jizzstain"
"Fuck you whore. Fuck you up the ass. I'll hide all I damn want."

She was right though. I couldn't hide forever. Eventually she'd get close to me and I'd either have to make my move or run for cover. Dammit. I could tell she was looking behind every nook and cranny for me. She was getting uncomfortably close. Dammit. I had to get out from there.

"FUCK YOU WHERE YOU BREATHE!"

I dove out from my cover and threw something at her to distract her as I ran to find new cover. I wasn't real good at this yet, so it was mostly a duck-and-cover game, hoping I'd last longer than her. Because she was a killer. And no way I was gonna leave this alive.

"Ha, is that the best you got you cockswalloping used cuntrag?"

What the hell does swalloping mean? No...wait...can't let myself get distracted at a time like this. I had to extend this as long as possible. Maybe I could figure something out. Come across something useful...Something. Anything.

I jumped for cover and hoped she hadn't seen me. Yeah...I don't think she saw me...This is good. This is very good. Well it was good. Then she stepped out in front of me. And that gun of hers was pointed right at my head. And I knew right away what was gonna happen.

She pulled that trigger.

And my body twisted around like a rag doll and dropped dead to the ground.

I fucking lost again.

"HAHA! I win again bitch!"

"Yeah, well you fuck cows in retrospect!"

I left the bedroom and met up with her in the living room, and she was absolutely loving her victory. She had that smile on her face, and it's the kind of smile you can only describe to another person who's seen that kind of smile. The gloating kind of smile that says "Yeah. I just conquered you. Now I want to do it again."

Unfortunately I wasn't up for another round of Halo. Because I suck badly at it.

"Alright...That's 23 out of 23...How 'bout we retreat to the bedroom and..."

"Moving a little fast aren't we?"

"...Was gonna say "Play some X-Com" since that's where you keep your computer, but the choice is up to you."

"Oh, right. You just want something where physical reaction time doesn't come into play, don't you?"

"No, I want something where my intellectual and tactical mind can be challenged."

She smirked.

"You just want to abuse the fact that there's only one chair at the computer again and I'm nearly a foot shorter than you, right?"

"Oh yeah....I almost completely forgot about that detail..."

And so we went to play X-Com, one of the greatest PC games ever made, in that single chair. And it was great.


What? You didn't expect a happy story once in a while?

LEGENDS OF VIRGIL'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS!





I hereby swear that most of the above is true. I say most because there is no way I could accurately recall her actual swearing, or try to recreate it. That girl, when she gets going (which is at any slight provocation) would make a longshoresman with Torrets leave after making some obvious false excuses about things being a bit too "indecent".





==Geographical Change==

Karen was my first girlfriend. She was only dating me, and she told me this outright, because she knew her parents would hate me, and hate the entire idea of her dating me. Whatever. At that age I didn't care. I didn't even want to date her really, but my friends kept calling me "gay" and I wasn't gay so I had to shut them up somehow.

And her. She was getting annoying when she kept asking me out.

Anyways, as she was my first girlfriend, I had yet to be...orally pleasured....before her. Yet I had a good idea in my head what it should feel like from my friends who were always talking about their experiences with their girlfriends (my two best friends went through girls like people with the flu went through kleenex)

So one time, she accidently bites. Not on purpose, her teeth just graze across.

"OW! Fuck! You bit me!"

"Sorry! You're only the fifth guy I've done this to!"

"Well...You'd think after that many others, you'd be a lot better at this."

Wrong fucking thing to say.

''Chomp.''

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!"

She drew back with a pissed look in her face and I was left trying to...well god damn! What do you do in that situation. There's nothing you can do to make a bite wound ''there'' feel better.

"So I'm your little slut now, is that it?"

"I'm bleeding!"

"Don't change the subject!"

"Karen! Blood! Where you bit me!"

"I'm not your slut! I don't do these things because I like sex!"

"I don't fucking care why you do them right now, I want to know how to make my dick stop bleeding!"

Incidently she did it because she knew if her parents found out that by age 14 she wasn't a virgin, had screwed two guys, sucked 5 dicks, and had taken it up the ass already, they'd be very, very, very pissed.

When she finally figured out the seriousness of my penis having a wound in it, she thought a bandaid would help. I told her that we needed to get rid of the blood first. Since it was her fault, maybe she should lick it off.

She slapped me. Whore.

LEGENDS OF VIRGIL'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS!

Afternote: She tore a bit of the skin off on the head of the penis, right on the uretha's opening. It never healed, it's a light scar, and it can cause quite a few problems.




==Interlude: A History Of Violence==

So I went to see "The History of Violence" with my brother today, which was a good movie. A very good movie.

At one point the main character enters the restraunt he owns and a regular asks him "What's the craziest chick you ever fucked?"

"What?"

"Well we were just talking about crazy chicks. Lou here had a girl who stabbed him with a fork."

"She stabbed you with a fork?"

"Yeah. She'd always attack me in the night. She'd have dreams that I was some serial killer and she'd wake up and attack me in confusion. So here I was one night, a fork in my neck, blood spurting out, and she's yelling "Oh baby, I love you, baby, I love you!"


My brother muttered to me "Wow. How fucked up would it be to date a chick like that?"




==Oops...I Missed!==

Aileen was my most protective girlfriend. She was just as psychotic as the rest, and a bit more violent (towards everyone) and had a bit of problem with the booze.

However, if I was ever in a fight, or hell, even slightly insulted by someone, and Aileen was around, she'd take care of it. And if there was one thing she loved to do, it was to surprise people by showing how a weak-little-girl like herself could pick them up and throw them.

One of the best instances of this is as follows.

My friends and I were out at some crap, ghetto fast-food place. Joe had a little problem about starting trouble, and Mike had this little problem of not only not being able to talk us out of it, but making it worse. It was my job to get us out of any trouble we landed in om a clean way, however Joe and Mike had done far too much damage before I had noticed and stepped in.

Now we were young, so the best insults we had at that age were calling each other fags, queers, gays, and dumbasses. Homoqueen had yet to enter the insult vocabulary and dumbfuck, although obvious, was a few months away.

So we got all the way to the part where suddenly I was Queen of the Fairies, and Joe pushed one of these guys he had gotten into an arguement with. Now it got a bit nasty, insults stopped being about each other being gay, and just started being random profanity.

So Joe and Mike were busy dealing with the two guys they were arguing with, and this other guy was getting rather rough with me. Out of nowhere I heard a rather rough "HANDS OFF HIM! voice, and Joe, Mike, and I all froze.

Aileen had entered the building.

The guy opposing me had a rather bastardly smirk on his face 'Yeah...Or what?"

Aileen wasn't in a mood to play today though, or so I thought at first. She just stood there with her arms crossed and stated plainly "Or I'll pick you up over my head and ''throw you through that goddamned window.''"

So the three goons didn't know how to take this. Well at first. Then they just started laughing their asses off. They couldn't take her seriously on this one. She wasn't a tiny girl height-wise, and she was toned, but she still didn't seem like the kind of person that could lift another person over her head.

So the guy gave me a little push.

Now, I know Aileen said "Hands Off' but really, she meant "dont' touch him." And she's not the type of person to wait for the person to actually touch me, if someone even goes and tries to fake touching me after she says that, they're fucked.

So as soon as his arms began to move in my general direction, she reached out for him, grabbed him, pulled him towards her, and started a process I was all too familiar with. Within seconds the guy, confused as all hell, was over her head and then...

"I gave you fair warning!"

And with that, she threw him right into the little bit of wall between the two windows.

Aileen turned around, raised a hand to her mouth, giggled (I thought that was a sign everyone was gonjna die) and with an over-exageratted smile on her face said in the most sugary sweet voice I'd ever heard: "Ooops...I missed!"

A second later she dropped that demeanor and turned to a more venemous one. And in a voice oozing of fatality she looked at the remaining two guys and said "Maybe I should try again?"

Well those bastards left in a hurry. As did Aileen and I, because Aileen didn't think that "managment would like the sounds pipsquak's making...Probably call the cops...Fucking cops....Hate them."

So we leave and I get an earful about not defending myself and how I should have taken care of them myself before she showed up.

Which is one of the many times I wondered where the hell she came from...

LEGENDS OF VIRGIL'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS!



I hereby swear that everything I said above is true. Except the part about it being in a ghetto Fast-Food Restraunt. I can't remember where it was.




==Interlude: Ghost Widow==

Now, every now and then when talking about the girls, I'll say "they get a look on their face" or other such cliche phrase about that certain expression they'll have right before they go and try and kill me. [http://img398.imageshack.us/img398/9140/creepsmethehellout019nh.jpg Here's Mary's.]

Now I've mentioned that they had pretty nice bodies, but I'm not sure if you quite got the fact that I was lulled into (and stupidly stayed in) those damned relationships due to how [http://img364.imageshack.us/img364/681/creepsmethehellout039ga.jpg goddamned good their figure was.] Belle was a bit shorter, not just height-wise, but her legs as well. Aileen was thicker, and I don't mean fat. It was muscle (not on a Dorkseid level) She was still small-looking, until you noticed she was pretty toned, and could probably kick your ass in armwrestling.


Finally let's cover Belle a bit more...[http://img316.imageshack.us/img316/9681/creepsmethehellout026ef.jpg Yeah, that sums it up.]Mary had much longer, floor-length hair, Belle had longer hair, with those weird side-bangs things, and Aileen had rather short hair, so Ghost Widow's hair, chalk white skin, overdone eyeshadow, and lack of iris/pupils are pretty much the only thing that keeps her from being a member of Mary and Belle's family.



==Todd Changes Everything==

One day I took a particularly nasty beating from Mary. It wasn’t enough to cross the “Don’t hurt him too much” line that Todd had set for her, but it was close enough. He glared at her, which was an odd thing for all involved. Todd was normally the silent, stoic, easy going type, so seeing a large display of emotion, even if it was only in one act, was something that didn’t happen every day.

Mary probably thought that she was gonna get hell for it. Luckily for her he just walked away. He approached me later though, and what he said pretty much changed the relationship between my girlfriends and me.

“Would you like me to teach you some self-defense?” he asked.

“Like the karate kind or the kind that will actually stop me from dieing?”

“The useful kind.”

Well then, I was game. Todd seemed to know what he was doing, and if Mary feared him, it had to be for a good reason. So I met him one day, at what I presume was his place. I never really could tell with that crowd, they all seemed to share living spaces, and move frequently. But it was a beautiful garden, with a large pool and hot tub in it. It was a bit unusual, as normally the hot tub is circular shape, and not that large compared to the pool as a whole. Instead, they sort of fenced part of the pool off, creating a rectangular Jacuzzi you could easily hop into from the other side, and vice versa. A smooth tiled wall separated the two, and it could be walked on, with minor difficulty. This is where it began.

Todd grew up in Japan; He was particularly good at Kendo, along with a few other martial arts that relied upon the sword. He put into my hand a bamboo sword, the kind they used in training. He walked across the tile to one part of the pool, and left me at the other. I was instructed to stand on the tile, opposite from him, and try my best to knock him into the water.

It didn’t go so well.

The first time I tried, I slipped and fell into the pool before I reached the halfway point. The second time, he was walking to meet me, and I tried running again. I got to him, but when I swung the sword, I went off balance and fell into the water. So we tried again. Third time’s the charm, right?

Wrong.

I swung at him. By the end of my swing, he was no longer in front of me. As I had not heard a splash, I wondered where he went. A rather painful sting to my back sent me into the water, and I figured out where he went to.

While I was swinging, he managed to get behind me. I couldn’t even imagine how that happened. Before our next time, I tried to figure out. I fell into the water. The same thing happened a few more times. Eventually I put my left foot out, had only the tip of my toes on the tile a little bit in front of me, and then twirled. I figured this was how he did it, but I ended up slipping each time.

Todd believed practice was the best way to figure it out, so I attacked again. This time he didn’t do his fancy move. Instead, he parried the sword using his own, and then flat-palm hit me in the chest, knocking me back, making me lose balance, hit the tile, and then slink into the water.

Oh fuck, this was going nowhere.

I tried again. This time he didn’t even attack. He merely defended, knocking my sword away with his each and every time. It wasn’t too long, 30 seconds at the most, before I lost balance and fell in the water again.

The next time, he disarmed me. He held the tip of his sword to my throat, and I decided I’d rather jump in the water without his aid.

It went on like this for a good while. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even hit him. I’d lose my balance trying to get around him, I’d lose my balance if I kept on the offensive for too long, I had no way to be on the defensive, and if I just waved the sword around wildly, hoping to get a hit, he’d disarm me, or parry it and hit me in the chest. There was no way to win. Todd decided the lesson was complete. I had faced an unbeatable foe, but hey, at least I kept trying. Well, that’s what I figure the intent was. He didn’t tell me. He may simply have been trying to teach me how to slash my way to victory. In which case, I failed.

Next we tried something on dry land. The land was dry, but I sure as hell wasn’t. We had the swords this time, but he allowed me the option of using both of them, just one, or none. I picked two at first. After all, it would mean he had no sword, so I was sure to win, right?

God damn he could move fast. Add to the fact that the training swords represent swords that are not meant to be swung by only one hand, and I fell down pretty fast. So I tried with one, and he used none. That’s the way this one went. I’d use the weapons anyway I could figure, and he’d simply move around them, and then hit me when I was defenseless.

If you go by the idea that he was trying to train me, hoping to find my strengths, then I failed that lesson horribly. If you go with a more metaphorical thing, like showing me that speed beat brute force, then yeah, I learned.

The next one was kind of confusing. He gave me two eggs. My goal was to keep them safe from him, no matter what. It didn’t go so well. We quit when he ran out of eggs. I probably shouldn’t’ have been trying to punch him with them in my fist.

The next test made a bit more sense to me. I had to try and keep him at least 10 feet away from me, and if that failed, he was not supposed to get within 5 feet. If he got close enough to touch me, it was game over. That’s pretty much the game I played with the girls, so I should have some prior experience, right?

Well, there were some noticeable differences. My fights with the girls were usually in rather empty spaces. I had room to run, and then room to try to dodge. Where Todd was teaching me, well, it was pretty crowded full of stuff. Furniture, tables, and the basic things you’d find in a home.

So we began. I didn’t do too well at first. I had to get used to the idea of dodging the furniture just as much as I was dodging him. Then I got the idea to use the furniture as obstacles. It sounds like a great idea, but it didn’t work too well. I ran around the couch, but he made a beeline right for it. What did he do? He jumped onto the couch, with his legs planted against the back of the thing, and it tipped over, and he continued running. I was too busy going “What the fuck?” to avoid a wall. He caught me.

One round though, I got lucky. I had the idea to try and jump over things too. Well…Since I was short and didn’t know what I was doing, that fucking failed miserably. I kept trying though, hoping to find some secret. And I did…sort of I jumped onto the table, hit it hard, kept rolling due to inertia, and as I tried to grab a hold of the table in order to stop myself, I accidentally grabbed the salt shaker. As I got up, Todd was closing in, at a calm pace, knowing that I was pretty much cornered. Without even thinking about it, I hurled the salt shaker at him. I actually surprised him with that one. It didn’t hit him, but it gave me an idea.

So as I ran, I’d grab things, and throw them at him to make him dodge, and slow down. If he got real close, I’d grab something big, and hurl it as hard as I could. I still never won, but at least I had some minor victories.

It was getting late, and I had to get home, before my parents found out I hadn’t been there at all the entire day. Before I got dropped off, Todd informed me that the same time next week, we’d do this again. He said it would go better though.

So Todd came and picked me up, and we went back to the same place. Lovely and all, but we kinda wrecked it the last time, and he had yet to sort everything back into place.

I was instructed to try and attack this time. When I pointed out to him that I had already failed at that a few times, he shook his head, and said there was a good reason for that. I was using weapons that were not well suited for me.

So, what weapon was suited for me? The environment.

I learned to go on the offensive with a chair, to try and kick things off of tables and at him, and generally try anything to get him away from me. I never really did anything that could be called a major victory, but I did figure things out that would help me later.

At the end of the day, I wasn’t quite able to beat my girlfriends with no problem, but at least I had improved my chances of causing a draw. Todd had one last gift for me though.

“You like to create your own explosives, correct?”

“Yeah. Just some basic things-that-go-boom that I found on the internet. Nothing really, you know, strong.”

“That should change.”

He handed me a little book. Improvised Demolitions. A book instructing me on how to make explosives, mines, etc. using common household items.

“What can I do with this?”

“In the book you’ll find things that you can use to fight them. Don’t worry about hurting the girls too much; they’ll soak it right up. Just try to surprise them, and then run.”

I thought about this, and it made perfect sense. I tried to thank him, but he said it wasn’t necessary. He just didn’t like to see me get battered around.

But you know…Things don’t just end like that. The people don’t say “Oh thanks” “Hey, don’t mention it” and then move on. You remember the good the person did for you, even if they’re too humble to admit it.

That’s when something odd occurred. I didn’t quite know what I was doing at the time, my mind had gotten a bit fuzzy for some reason, but I did it anyways. I leaned up, grabbed him by the shirt collar, brought him down closer to my level, and kissed him.

My first kiss. Ever.

It still puzzles me. Perhaps he thought that I was reaching up for some other odd reason. Perhaps he knew what I was going to do, even though I didn’t. I really don’t know the guy’s mind is too difficult to figure out. I do know, however, that those two days changed my life forever afterwards.

I could defend myself, and I had discovered something whose impact I wasn’t quite sure of.



==An Attempt at Defense==

As expected, I did eventually get into another fight with one of the girls. Aileen, the more aggressive one of course. She got angry because I didn’t notice that she had decided to try and wear make-up (She didn’t even apply any from my perspective) and so fists began to fly. But this time, I surprised her.

As I tried to run, I grabbed a bottle of sink soap that was on the kitchen counter, and threw it at her. She rushes like a bull, headlong into anything, so it smacked her right in the head before she knew it was coming.

I had two options then: Run while I had the chance, or stay and fight.

People get blinded sometimes. The thought that I had an advantage in the fight, and that if I won, maybe she’d stop…It caused me to go on the offensive.

The trick wasn’t really useful twice. Once she knew that objects were going to be thrown at her, she didn’t’ quite charge headfirst, and didn’t get surprised when they did hit her. She just shrugged it all off.

So I grabbed one of the chairs, and swung it at her as best as I could. She grabbed it by a leg, yanked the thing out of my hands, and then snapped a leg off of it.

“Now…I was going to be nice…I was just going to hit you a bunch, and call you bad names, and maybe spit on you…But that isn’t the case anymore. Now I’m going to introduce you to a little thing I call “Pain induced by blunt physical trauma””

I figured it out pretty fast. Unfortunately, I didn’t figure it out as fast as she swung the thing at me, and knocked me on the side of my skull. Right on the ear. Damn, that hurt. I dropped to my knees, and couldn’t get up in time before she hit me again, this time on the back. I tried to crawl away, but she grabbed me by the back of my shirt, dragged me back, and then hit me harder.

I really had no choice in this one. I learned my lesson. Don’t try and win a battle you lost before it started.

Eventually she got tired, and just began poking me real hard with it. Once she got bored of that, she dropped the chair leg, and began to walk away. I have no idea what she was going to do, because I decided to try and subdue her through more stupidity.

I grabbed the chair leg, rose up, ran towards her, and knocked her clear across the back of her head. I could hear the impact. It was loud. For a second there, I thought I had maybe gone overboard…Maybe I had given her brain damage…

No. I didn’t. She took the blow to the head rather well. It moved her, but it didn’t cause her to react in pain like I did. No, instead she just got a small smile on her face. I have no idea if it was because she actually has a love for pain, or if it amused her that I was still fighting back. But it didn’t seem to bother her at all.

I swung again, and hit her shoulder. Again, and she managed to slink out of the way. I tried to swing again, but she had already grabbed my wrist, and was exerting quite a bit of pressure. I had to drop the chair leg.

“Ah, that’s a good boy…” she said, as her other hand went around my throat, and softly applied some pressure. Not enough to hurt me, but enough for me to get the point. “Do you really want to keep fighting?”

“Fuck you whore.”

“You know you’ll just lose.”

“Yeah. And I know you spread your legs for camels.”

“I think I just thought of the perfect way to repay your deed.”

“Yeah, does it involve killing yourself?” I regretted those words many years later.

“No. I just happen to admire your little show of bravery. It’s cute. So innocent and naïve. We’re going to have to force that out of you some more.”

I really didn’t have a reply to this, so I kept my mouth shut. The girls were always doing crap to me, hoping it would make me more like them, more acceptable among the few people they communicated with. I have no idea why they chose me, but they enjoyed it very much.

In other words: I WAS THE CHOSEN ONE!

Alright, Jedi jokes aside, I didn’t quite know what was about to happen. For all I knew, she was going to electrocute me.

“Do you know that you can encourage certain behaviors by rewarding people when they perform them, and punishing them when you don’t?”

“Yeah. I’m surprised you do. It requires making someone ha—“

My tongue stopped due to protest by hers. Her hands loosened their grip, and she withdrew, a slight grin on her face.

“See what happens when you act bad?”

Nowadays, I’d make a joke about being naughty, that sort of thing. At that point in time, those jokes weren’t in my mind yet, and I was only just kind of confused about what the hell was going on.

“You do things like that, you know, be the person who hurts others…being the one that deprives them of their happiness, and that sort of thing…We will reward you…”

My mind finally caught up to what was going on.

“What the hell are you talking about? You’ve already blown me, what the hell kind of punishment is that?”

She pursed her lips and smiled.

“That was for us…We like doing those sorts of things. But you? We never gave a damn about if you enjoyed it or not. But you keep acting like this, and we’ll make sure to give you a good time…Perhaps you could even have the same kind of relationship with me that Mary has with Todd.”

My heart fluttered a bit at Todd’s mention. I didn’t really know why, but the idea of being with Mary and/or Aileen, and then Todd joining…Her offer became tempting. Very tempting. Something really odd was happening to me.

Aileen misinterpreted my “body language” to mean something else.  She gently grabbed my chin, and moved my head so I was looking right into her eyes.

“So…What’s your answer?

''BAMM! ''

Hell, even I didn’t see that head slam coming. She staggered back, very surprised by this. She can roll off punches if she’s expecting them, if she’s prepared for them, you know, a little bit of advanced warning. But in a moment when she thought I was going to try to get a bit intimate, I instead slammed my forehead against hers as hard as I could.

Her grip loosened, I slipped out of it, and I ran out. After an hour or two of being in a highly populated area of Houston on my own, I realized that I really had to get back home.

So, like always, I returned to Aileen, who relished the notion of not giving me a ride home. Eventually she decided that it was in her best interest as well for my parents not to get suspicious, so she called a taxi, and I returned home.

I had a horrible headache in the morning. My mother insisted I was just faking it, and trying to get out of school. God dammit, that woman never listens to me. She’s especially deaf if I’m telling the truth.



==Bakuhatsu==

I had read through the book Todd had given me. I really wanted to do the landmine thing, but it required her to both have a car, and a dirt road she traveled on. Since the only time she ever got into a car was picking me up and dropping me off, I knew that wasn’t going to work.

Damn, I would have paid good money to see her end that way.

Instead, I found a fun little gem. You mix a specific acid with another few key ingredients, put it in a glass jar, wrap paper towels around the jar, cover that in another home-brewed liquid, and throw it. When the jar breaks, it’ll create a small spark. The liquid on the paper on the towel ignites easily, and it mixes with the stuff inside the jar to make a big boom.

It just so happened I had a rather nice sized glass jar. The only thing I couldn’t easily get myself was the acid. Luckily, my friend Joe helped me out with that. There’s something you interact with everyday that contains this acid, and we were able to extract it. So there I had it. An explosive device. Since I only had one large jar like this, I decided not to test it out beforehand. I bet you can already see this one coming.

I had to figure a way to get it in to Aileen’s place, without being conspicuous about it, and have it in a place where I could use it if I really needed to. I didn’t wear jackets or the sort, and the jar didn’t fit in my pockets. I couldn’t sneak it in. So, I decided to play “story teller”.

“Here! This is for you!”

She looked at the jar with the acid-mix in it.

“What the hell is it?”

“It’s a mystic jar of luck! I was looking on the internet, and I found a place about witches and stuff, and they said this was a good gift idea, and since you’re a witch and all I thought—“

“That’s the wrong kind of witch, you dumbass. I am nothing like those sorts, prancing around in the forests, full of hippie love for each other, or their dumb counterparts who try to be the exact opposite in order to ‘stand out’. Don’t you ever---“

“Hey, hey! Don’t yell at me! I’m just trying to be nice!”

She looked at the jar suspiciously.

“Why would you give me a jar of luck anyways? Why not something more prosperous for me?”

“Well you’re already so beautiful that not even magic could—“

“Stop bullshiting.”

I looked at her in acted timidity. 

“Well…Actually the luck was kinda for me…Hoping I’d get lucky and you wouldn’t hit me so often…”

She laughed.

“Fine then. We’ll place it where all can see, and everyone can observe if it works or not.”

She placed it on an end table near the door. Bingo. I now knew where that jar would be if I needed it, and that it would be there.

So, onto the next step.

The liquid to ignite it was easily made. It was difficult coming up with something that was large enough to contain enough liquid to cover the acid jar, could easily be fitted to pour out, and also making it all fit into my pockets.

Mike came through with a brilliant idea, which was a rarity for him. He took a test tube from the chemistry lab. It was long, and it had a small little stopped that could easily be taken off. It fit in my pocket, and wasn’t noticeable at all. And it contained just enough liquid to (hopefully) soak the rag.

From then on, every time I went to Aileen’s, I took that test tube with me. And then one day, it happened.

Aileen got pissed off, for reasons I can’t even begin to imagine. She just flipped one day. I tried the basic things, but it was all a coy. I was going to hit her so hard, she’d remember it forever. And she’d know better than to try this shit again.

I ran as fast as I could to the table. I picked up the jar, took out the test tube, took the stopper off, and poured the liquid on the jar, turning the jar as I did so. Aileen was still recovering from me shoving a candle down her throat, so she didn’t see me do this. Luckily. I have no idea what would have happened if she had.

She finally started approaching me, confident since I was practically in a corner, and angry as hell because of what I had just done to her. I threw a few things from the table at her. They hit her, and she didn’t seem to care. I then took the jar and hurled it at her.

I can still see the flames. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to use the explosive that was listed ''after'' the Molotov cocktail, and three entries before the anti-vehicle landmine. 

She wasn’t too far away from me at the time, and the explosion had enough force to smash me back into the wall, and knock the senses out of me. I began to do the fade in/fade out thing, slowly trying to get back to my feet. I had an odd fear that she’d do a DBZ-esque “walking out of the smoke, completely unhurt, and ready to kill” thing.

I struggled to my feet. It wasn’t the first time an explosion had hit me hard like that, but it was the first time I had continuous force from the thing against me. My vision finally cleared, and I searched for Aileen, hoping that she had decided to give up.

She really didn’t have a choice. She was lying on the ground a few feet away from where she had been before. The glass had cut into her arms, because she had luckily put her arms in the way first. It almost had hit her face. Part of her clothing was gone, just gone, and the skin underneath was horribly burnt. Parts of her clothes were still on fire. I walked over as fast as I could, and stamped it out.

There’s a horrible feeling you get when you think you’re the cause of death for someone important to you. This was the second time I felt it, and it was a feeling I had hoped to never experience again. I just kneeled over her, wondering what I should do. I didn’t know how to treat burns, and I was afraid of removing the glass and causing her to bleed more.

“Virgil. I know you’re there…I can hear your panicked breathing…” she whispered.

Oh crap. If she survived I couldn’t claim that I was unconscious too.

“Uh...yeah…uhm…sorry?”

Her head rolled around. At least she was able to move…That’s a good sign, right?

“Remember…a while back…when I told you what your reward was, for attacking people?”

“Yeah…”

“I hope you didn’t do this for that…because, no matter the reason…As soon as I get better…I’m going to cut your balls off with the glass that is in my arm.”

Hmm…How exactly do you reply to that?

“Uhm…I kinda…” I uttered, not really able to think of anything. Finally, I let out a meek “I’m sorry”, hoping it would spare some wrath.

“Like fuck you are.”

“Do you want me to get an ambulance or—“

“No. Get Mary. She’ll take care of this…”

I paused.

“Uhm…Mary’s quite a bit away…I don’t think I’ll get to her in time.”

“It doesn’t matter…she’s close by…she always is…”

That comment puzzled me for a long time. Years even. I had always thought they had an equal partnership, but apparently Aileen was the brawn and Mary was the brain. A brain that kept close tabs on every single body part.

Aileen was right…Sort of. I ran outside her house, hating the fact she decided to get a place out in the countryside near Galveston, instead of living back in Houston. There wasn’t anyone around. The nearest house was a bit away. God damn…How the hell was I even supposed to get a hold of Mary?

So, in desperation, not knowing what to do, I just shouted her name. I called out “MAAAARRRRYYYYY!” at the top of my lungs.

Ten minutes later, Mary showed up, Todd in tow. Although I should have been thankful that Mary was there, I was a bit…ashamed. That wasn’t what Todd intended for me to do...

I didn’t worry about why Mary was there, at that particular time, I just got them inside. Todd knew some basic first aid, and Mary helped as best she could, while I stood in the background, hoping that she wouldn’t die. An entirely foreign concept before this incident.

They put Aileen on the table. I suggested the bathtub, but apparently that is bad.

An argument then proceeded. Todd insisted that our first priority was to take her to a hospital or burn center, and then we can sort out what the hell happened. My view was that we should totally ignore why it happened, get to the hospital, and say it was a gas leak’s fault. Mary insisted that Aileen would be fine, and that I should be subjected to fatal injuries.

In the end, we reached a compromise. Todd took Aileen to the nearest hospital, told them he didn’t know the cause, but heard the explosion from a distance and rushed to see what had happened. I stayed back at Aileen’s rather well-done place. As did Mary.

This is when I learned of slender glass rods. She didn’t subject me to them, but she told me she would have if she had any around.

A few days later, Mary showed me the rods, in order for me to understand she was serious.

Oh, and apparently Aileen invited Mary to come over, hoping they could have a little fun with me. Mmm…Double torture, how wonderful!



==The Glass Rebuttal==

Eventually Aileen got better, and managed to get out of the hospital with minimum questions asked. She seemed her usual self, although she was more inclined to hitting me randomly. Unfortunately, I could no longer say it was ‘for no reason’.

One day, she began her little game. She loved her little game. She’d act all seductive, and whisper sweet nothings to me, and as she took off her shirt, she’d explain how in the following session, all of the pleasure would be hers. And she was usually right.

This time, I didn’t try to resist. I still felt rather bad about what happened. This was a bad idea. It was her way of catching me off guard. I was leaning against the wall, hoping she wouldn’t ask for sex (As I would so have owed it to her) when suddenly she grabbed me, and slammed me into the ground. She then began to drag my body into her room.

Oh crap, rough sex! That is not how I wanted my first time to be!

She took out some handcuffs (not the kind with the cute patterns and the fuzzy stuff on them. Actual police handcuffs) and basically chained me to her bed.

Fuck. Rough, kinky, sex. The only way this was going to get worse was for an animal to be involved.

She removed my shirt, sliding it over my head, and up my arms. She then detached each handcuff; just enough so she could slip the shirt off, and then chained me back up. She then proceeded to do that with some of my other clothing.

Something was off here. Very off. She usually took great pleasure in whatever way she teased me, had a little bit of a sly approach to her, and I definitely thought she’d be quite happy to get that one thing I had always denied her. But instead, she was doing this slowly, and methodically. Something was off.

“Remember that little explosion incident?” She whispered as she leaned over me. She was basically mounting me, while still fully clothed. I hadn’t had as much experience with porn at that point to figure out how sex would possibly occur that way. You had to be unclothed, right?

She leaned over, and kissed my neck.

“You remember, right?”

“Yeah…I don’t think I’ll ever forget…”

“Ah, that’s so sweet…Well…We have something to get done...”

Damn…I was right…This is not what I wanted…At all…But I had to.

She leaned down, so that her chest was against mine, and her head right next to mine, allowing her to talk to me intimately.

“You know something that’s always bugged me about you? You like to be the good guy…You like to be the hero. But you aren’t one. You never will be. You’re just a lonely little boy who is scared of the world around him, and seeks older women to comfort him from a trauma he faced. But you don’t exactly find comfort in us, do you? It’s a sick sort of addiction to pain…It brings you back…Heroes don’t do that. They’re too good…They do whatever it takes to stop the bad people…We’re bad people. Mary and I. If you were a real hero, you’d try and stop us. Maybe even try and kill us. But you can’t…You aren’t the good guy…You should be one of us. It’s all just a matter of what drives you to the edge. What will make you accept who you are inside? You know you’re just as twisted as us, you’re just as bad. Something is amiss though. You don’t behave like you should.”

She was reciting a monologue. Great. First a speech, and then horrible, unnatural sex. I was wondering when and if she would shut up, before she got to the conclusion.

“But you know…I figured it out…I did. I know why you don’t behave like you should.”

She reached over into the drawer near her bed. That relieved me a bit. A condom would hopefully ease this down a bit.

She didn’t pull out a condom though. She pulled out a piece of glass.

“I figured that it was your heart. The stupid thing inhibits you from doing what you actually desire.”

She sat back up, and poked the skin above my heart softly with the glass.

“See…I told you that I would cut off your balls with this…But I decided I’d rather take out your heart.”

She leaned down and kissed me. She even had the nerve to look me in the eyes, with that damned smile on her face. She was going to enjoy what she was about to do.

“Any last words you want to say as a goodie-two-shoe?”

“HEARTS DON’T WORK THAT WAY!”

She laughed.

“Well, maybe not…We’ll just have to find out.”

It hurt. It really, really, really hurt. She dug into me with that piece of glass. Deliberately taking her time and more scraping the top than actually digging. At that moment in time, I didn’t care that I was a few minutes away from a painful death; I more cared about the fact that she was taking her time about it.

“You know…This won’t work.” Talking hurt terribly. 

“So you say.”

“Do you think that piece of glass is going to get past my ribcage?”

She stopped and thought about it.

“Would you rather I cut off your balls?”

“YES!”

She got a disappointed look on her face.

“Well…That’s no fun…I can’t take out your heart, and anything else I try to do is something you’d like…”

Not completely true. I didn’t like any other options flowing through her brain, but they were a hell of a lot better than dieing. I didn’t need my balls…Hell, if I didn’t have them, half of my problem with the women would be solved.

She took the piece of glass out. It’s very eerie seeing something covered in your own blood. It was spooky to say the least. Well, not as if the whole thing wasn’t already, but…

Oh crap. She’s got a smile on her face.

“You were raised Catholic, right?”

Oh crap, I could see where this was going.

“Yeah. I was.”

“And aren’t the Catholics called ‘blood drinkers’ by other Christians?”

Goddamn, I hate being right.

“Yes…”

“Well then…it is time you lived up to that name.”

“Patch me up first.”

“Huh?”

“The hugeass hole that is in my fucking chest and is bleeding big time!”

“Where would we get the blood for you to drink then?”

“How about the stuff that’s already come out of me?!”

Aileen sighed at another setback that had plagued her plan. She conceded, and found some bandages she had kept after the…accident. I was healed up, but I had no idea if it would actually stop the bleeding, or if I’d be able to hide it from my parents…

I really didn’t have much time to worry about that. For Aileen had acquired a cup of my blood. And it was time for me to pay up.

She slowly began to put the cup to my mouth, holding it above me, relishing the idea of me having to drink it drop by drop, when she suddenly stopped. With a smile on her face.

WHAT THE FUCK ELSE COULD THIS GODDAMNED BITCH DO?!

She brought the cup back to her, and took a small sip. She then picked up the piece of glass, wiped the blood off on the bed sheet, and then cut into the back of her arm. She then put it over the cup, and the blood began to flow into the cup. It was half full to begin with (it seems it was rather hard to actually collect blood), but she filled it up to the top before bandaging herself as well.

“Drink up. It won’t taste too good, but look at it this way: We’re now united forever!”

She practically poured it down my throat. The taste of blood never bothered me. I used to just lick it off when I was a kid, instead of wiping it on my shirt or something else that could get ruined, thus making my mom yell at me. This, however, was a bit too much.

I escaped with my life that night. And, as you can tell by the fact I’m writing this, the wound did indeed heal. Oddly, it left only a light scar, which has faded over time. No chest hair grows there though…All around it…but not there…

Oh, right, back to the story.

So I left. And you might be saying “How could you possibly deal with all that shit?” “Why didn’t you call the cops?” and other things. This is a sign you don’t really understand.

Although I had felt a great deal of physical pain, and although I was left with a scar, in my mind when I got home, those were the nice parts. The truly horrible thing about it all?

We were truly linked together then. I remember stories of guys who used to cut themselves a bit, and either press their wounds against each other, or drink the other’s blood. Blood-brothers, they called it. I now had that connection with Aileen. And that can never go away.



==Between Thy Thighs, She Cursed at Me==

So it was a relatively relaxed day in the world of Virgil’s fucked up relationships. No one was almost dead, no one was trying to kill someone else, and actually, there was no fighting at all.

Hahaha, oh man, that never lasts.

Mary had decided that I had been spending too much time with Aileen lately, so she dragged me away. I really wish she had done that sooner, as being around Aileen after the cut-into-the-heart thing was really awkward. But Mary decided she had to have me to herself for a while.

Turns out Todd was out of town, and she needed someone to poke around in the shady thicket. Which, of course, means that eventually the finger wouldn’t be enough, and I’d have to get my head down there to do a little more work.

It was during that phase of the playtime that Mary uttered some comparison between me and Todd. I replied with a “fuck you” and a “you don’t deserve someone like Todd” retort.

I then felt my head being squished, as if two large trucks had hit it from both sides. It didn’t take long for me to figure out the source of it.

Mary had decided to squeeze her legs as hard as possible against my head. My face was trapped at her cooch, and it hurt like hell.

“Yhmm hmhmbbng mww” (Translation: “You’re hurting me.”)

“Tough. I’d squeeze you until your brains fall out of your nose, but then you wouldn’t be able to finish up the job. So, I’ll wait until after you’re done.”

Now, you might think that was some sort of weird empty threat, but I knew it was true. She probably could squeeze so hard that she’d cause at least some sort of head trauma. And I really didn’t want that. But, at the same time, if I didn’t hurry and finish her up, my nose would be stuck by her peehole for quite a while.

So I did what any man would do in that situation, and I accepted my task as best as I could, grumbling a bit as I did so, and waiting for death to take me.

But you see, a problem arose. It was a rather big one too.

As a person gets closer to orgasm, their muscles tend to exert themselves a good deal. People’s legs will stiffen, their toes will curl, that sort of thing. Well…Because of how she had her legs…It made the job a lot more painful as it went on.

I was scared. Even if she was too exhausted to carry out her threat when I was done, I would probably die when she orgasmed. There was no fucking way out of this!

Well obviously there is. I figured it out. Girls, please skip the next paragraph.

I bit her clit. I gnashed at it with the top row of my teeth, and her moans of pleasure became instant sounds of pain. She didn’t seem too eager to let me go though, so I scraped one of my canine teeth against it. That got a reaction. I tried to move my head in a way where I could actually bite it, but she had my head pinned far too well. So I just kept scraping it.

As you can well imagine, after this happened a few times, she became in a rather large hurry to let me go. In fact, she spread her legs open (thus freeing me) grabbed my head with both hands, and lifted it up. I smelled the sweet air of freedom, bathing in it.

Apparently my rather happy look did not impress Mary. In fact, it made her have a really angry look.

My face said “Hello Mr. Wall!” a good deal of times that night.



==Bondage Blows==

All of my crazy girlfriends have tied me up at one point or another. Well, Sarah didn’t, but she was a different sort of crazy. Anyways, the girls loved to make me immobile, so they could try and inflict horrible things upon me, in order to leave me feeling helpless, in order to talk me to death, or because it is part of their master plan for <insert thing here>.

Belle did this more than the others. I have no idea why, but I’ll assume it is because she heard from the others that I was able to escape decently. Thus forewarned, she sought to make it so I wouldn’t get away from her.

There are many notable “What the hell?!” stories involving her and immobilizing me. However, this one situation was a bit out of the ordinary.

“Why?” you ask. It is a simple reason at its core. Of all of three super-psychos, Belle was the one who cared least about getting my cock in her. I have a suspicion it’s because she’s a full out lesbian, as opposed to the bisexual others. Or, if she wasn’t a full-out lesbian, she was a bisexual who leaned far closer to girls.

And you honestly don’t want to know what I think about how she views her sisters.

But one time, it seems she got a little curious about what male-female intercourse felt like. Since she knew from her sister that I tried my best to avoid such an occurrence. The following is the worst sexual experience of my life.

Belle is a sneaky girl. So, as sneaky people often do, she snuck up on me. Suddenly, I have a pair of handcuffs on.

Fuck.

It didn’t take too long before she had dragged me into her room, slammed me onto her bed, and then handcuffed my feet. Oh god damn, at that point the only way I can say no is to actually say it. Which is something she’ll ignore

She pulled my shirt over my head, letting it stay on my handcuffed hands. The same basically applied to my jeans. I kinda resigned myself to this. By now I knew it was futile.

I almost shit myself when I turned to look at the wall, as I had completely forgotten about her knife collection. Being bound up with sharp objects around does not make me happy. I mentioned this to her, and she sighed and covered the collection was a blanket. Didn’t really cover it completely, but it helped.

I’m fairly sure that was the first time Belle had ever seen a penis, anywhere. She wasn’t exactly a TV or computer person, and I doubt she had ever seen porn before. She studied it for a long time before making a comment that it wasn’t quite what she was expecting. She pondered how it could actually even get in her, and I had to explain it had to be erect first.

A light bulb went on over her head, as the idea of what was supposed to happen finally clicked. Apparently her parents never taught her anything about sex. I would never have guessed it based on Mary’s appetite.

So, when a girl is trying to figure out how sex works, it is a very annoying and long process. Especially since Belle suddenly caught a case of the stupid as soon as she saw it. For instance, she thought that in order to get it erect, all she had to do was stare at it. When that didn’t work, she yelled at it.

This drew the attention of her sister, who walked in. I had to explain what was going on; Mary laughed, and gave Belle some advice before she went off to go fuck Todd. 

So, Belle got the idea down, and tried it. Hey, guess what? Showing some titties and physical contact goes a long way towards causing men to have erections. I really thought that a 19 year old, of any gender, would have figured that out by that age.

Hell, Belle looked good enough where she wouldn’t have even had to do the physical contact. Just the titties. Maybe some salmon canyon also.

So, now that she figured out the first important step, she decided she wanted to jump right to the last one. I had to struggle a lot to get her off me, before I finally convinced her that she should start with foreplay.

So I had to explain that to her.

I got a punch in the stomach for implying she was a lesbian, and already knew female foreplay. It was worth it though.

So she finally decided to go and try the first step. Because I want to spare you the horror of hearing about my penis, I’ll just say that the first thing involved her hands, and then she went to the next: the mouth.

See, I had a problem here. I knew that she wouldn’t stop, just satisfied with foreplay. I could tell she wanted to go for the main course. So, I made a decision that I thought would save my precious integrity.

I knew that I had to come during foreplay. Probably during the blowjob. Oh man…Do you know how hard it is to force ejaculation? Pretty hard. I had to think of all the sexy thoughts I could think of. But hey…I did it. Mission accomplished, right?

Nope.

She was not satisfied with that. She made it quite clear that I would not leave the house until we had a home run.

So what did she do while waiting for me to “recharge”? The obvious of course. I had to go to work on her. She unbound my hands, but only so that they were in front of me. My legs both got bound to the damned bed.

So I did what I had to, trying to hope that maybe, if I wore her out, she’d quit.

That woman is a god damned freak. I’ve heard of buckin’ broncos with less energy than her.

Remember my tactic of coming during foreplay? Yeah, I had to employ it ''six more times'' that night. Due to the lapse between each one, the lapse longer and longer, I had to work her as hard as I could. Once again, hoping to wear her out.

I stopped counting at 10. I thought it was pointless at that point. I mean…God damn. I am so glad Virgie doesn’t have that kind of drive. We’d have been fucking 7 or 8 times a day. Lord almighty…

So if you’re wondering why this is the worst sexual experience of my life, I’ll sum it up: The girl was absolutely clueless about everything, she had enough energy to orgasm far more than 10 times in a day, and I had to force myself to ejaculate at the right time in order to make sure she didn’t go too far. Oh, and you have no idea how hard it was to convince her to keep doing blowjobs each time, instead of skipping right towards the good ol’ fashioned intercourse.

This entire experience as ultra odd to me, not just because of the lesbian-testing-things-out-with-men part, but because Belle is a rather intelligent woman, and she was dumb as a rock during all of this.

I’ll never understand that.

[[Category:Superdickery Related]]