Whimsical artifacts

From Stormravengaming

In e-mails related to the Princes of the Universe Mark IV campaign, Stormraven suggested to his fellow players two different lists of artifacts that might have been carried by the Heroes of the Realm instead of the Cloak, Greatclub, Javelin, Longbow, Shield, and Wizard Hat. These lists of artifacts would require successively less embrace of practicality and successively greater acceptance of the surreal and whimsical.

List 1

Stormraven, referring to his character Wes, wrote:

"I've got the Harpsichord and the Shoe Horn. Jeremy has the Ivory Button and the Glass of Iced Tea. Geoff is left with the Curious Armature and the Cracked Lens. Sorry."

DrEris, player of Geoff, created a write-up for one of these artifacts:

The Glass of Iced Tea

This artifact was created by the Wizardess Formalla. An alchemist and herbalist of note, she was also a Teetotaler. Disgusted by all of the alchemical beers and wines, she set about making a powerful item based on her love of teas. The item has many functions both mundane and magical. The glass is never empty and never spills, even if held upside down. The owner is able to pour tea out of the glass into other containers (in which case the tea is delicious but normal tea). Other abilities are more impressive.

Sip: 3 times a day a sip of the tea can relieve fatigue.

That's not a sip!: 3 times a day a bigger sip of the tea can relieve fatigue or exhaustion.

Gulp: 3 times a day a gulp of tea can relieve fatigue, exhaustion, or nausea.

Chug: 3 times a day a chug of tea can relieve fatigue, exhaustion, or nausea, or the user can gain the benefits of the aid spell.

Chug-a-lug!: 3 times a day a chug-a-lug of tea can relieve fatigue, exhaustion, or nausea, or the user can gain the benefits of the heroes' feast spell.

That's Brisk!: The Glass of Iced Tea of the Realm also functions as the water breathing spell 1/day. (Only a few old sages, in their mid to late 30s at least, understand why this function was added to the glass.)

List 2

Dissatisfied with the mundane nature of the artifacts on his first list, Stormraven decided to really go for the surreal and created a new list of even more outlandish artifacts. He wrote:

"Wes has laid claim to the Scent of Daffodils and the Number Between One and Thirteen. Jeremy wants to keep the Harmonious Buzzing and would also like the Fading Memory of Fireflies. That leaves Geoff with the Particular Shade of Green and the Disturbing Stain. Sorry."

DrEris has promised a write-up for the Disturbing Stain. Stormraven created the following write-up for the Number Between One and Thirteen.

The Number Between One and Thirteen

At best guess, this artifact is a lost fragment of the memory or consciousness of an ancient, dead god. It has no physical form, yet it has a sense of locality in that it can be borne by a creature or can lie at rest in a place. Any creature in possession of the Number becomes aware of it after 24 hours, though he may have no idea what it is. It may best be said to reside in a creature's mind, manifesting as an awareness that there is a number, that is falls within its particular range from 1 to 13, and that the creature does not know what it is but, like a distant memory, he should know what it is and would like to uncover (or recover) it. No guessing or analysis can pin down the exact value of the Number (which may be neither whole nor rational). At best these efforts lead to an uneasy feeling that the result might be the number; at worst, that it once was, but according to unknowable rules, the Number no longer holds that value. (Scholars aware of the Number Between One and Thirteen, of which there are few, assert that if it were ever actually to be discerned, it would be destroyed.)

The Number may be intentionally acquired, but it can never willingly be released. It clings like an obsession to the mind of the creature that gives it any consideration. However, it may accidentally slip from a creature's mind to pass to another creature or come to rest in a place. In this case, after 24 hours the Number's previous bearer realizes both that it is gone and exactly where or to whom it has been lost.

Upon acquiring the Number, any creature with an Intelligence score of 3 or more immediately loses 2 points of Wisdom as he becomes perpetually distracted trying to discover or recall the Number's value. If he ever loses the Number, he immediately regains the lost Wisdom. Only creatures with 3 or more Intelligence can use the Number's strange abilities.

The Number is abstract, uncertain, unknowable, indiscernible. The bearer of the Number takes on many such traits.

Inscrutability: The bearer's nature becomes deeply inscrutible. He is under the continuous effects of a nondetection spell (DC 35). Three times per day he may activate a sanctuary effect upon himself (20 rounds, DC 25) as his very status as friend or foe fades from creature's minds. Once per day, for up to 2d6 x 10 minutes, he may activate a nondescript effect upon himself (DC 28), as he leaves no firm impression on the memories of others at all. However, he has no awareness of how long this effect will last. (The DM should make this roll secretly.)

Ambiguity: The bearer's mind becomes fluid and ambiguous, making him difficult to contact or compel through mental influence. He gains Spell Resistance 20 against Mind-Affecting effects.

Uncertainty: The bearer's very location in space becomes uncertain and unknowable. At will he may activate a blink or displacement effect (but not both at the same time). He may use dimension door (CL 20) up to several times per day, proving he was never where everyone thought in the first place. Each time that the bearer uses dimension door, roll 1d4; this is the number of hours he must wait before he can use dimension door again. Once per day he may use greater teleport, but only if he is not in the waiting period for dimension door.