Monty Python d20

From Stormravengaming

Arthur: "Old woman!"

Dennis: "Man!"

Arthur: "Man, sorry. Must have failed my Spot check. Can you make a Knowledge (local) check and tell me who lives in that castle? I'm attempting a Gather Information check, you see."

Dennis: "I'm 37!"

Arthur: "I beg your pardon? Was that a bad Listen check, or do you have a low Int score?"

Dennis: "I'm 37, I'm not old!"

Arthur: "Well I can't just call you Humanoid (human)."

Dennis: "Well, you could just say Dennis."

Arthur: "Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis."

Dennis: "Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?"

Arthur: "My ranks in Knowledge (local) aren't that high, and this is my first Gather Information check today. Anyway, I did say sorry about the low Spot check."

Dennis: "What I object to is that you automatically treat me like a Commoner."

Arthur: "Well, I am a 15th level Fighter/Aristocrat."

Dennis: "Oh, 15th level, eh, very nice! And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the Humanoids (goblinoid, orc and reptilian)! By hanging on to outdated experience-dependent level advancement paradigms that perpetuate the social inequities based on race and class! If there's ever going to be any progress with the—"

Woman: "Dennis! I've made a good Search check! There's some lovely filth down here." (notices Arthur) "Oh! How d'you do?"

Arthur: "How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, 15th level Fighter/Aristocrat."

Woman: "Was that a Diplomacy check?"

Arthur: "Yes, good lady. That was a Diplomacy check, and I hope you shall treat me in a friendly manner now."

Woman: "I thought Commoners were already pretty friendly with the PC classes."

Dennis: "You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating aristocracy in which the Non-Player classes—"

Woman: "Oh, there you go, bringing classes into it again."

Dennis: "That's what it's all about! If only people would hear of—"

Arthur: "Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Could one of you make a Knowledge (local) check and tell me who lives in that castle?"

Woman: "Oh, that's got a low DC! No one lives there."

Arthur: "Then who is the highest-level character here?"

Woman: "We don't have anything like that here."

Arthur: "What?"

Dennis: "I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We donate all of our skill points and feat slots to a single community pool..."

Arthur: "Yes."

Dennis: "...and then decide how to allocate them at a special bi-weekly meeting..."

Arthur: "Yes, I see."

Dennis: "...by a simple majority in the case of skill points..."

Arthur: "Be quiet!"

Dennis: "...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of feats—"

Arthur: "Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!"

Woman: "Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh!"

Arthur: "I am a 15th level Fighter/Aristocrat!"

Woman: "Well, I didn't award you any XP."

Arthur: "You don't get to award XP!"

Woman: "Well, how'd you get to be a 15th level whatsit-thingie, then?"

Arthur: "The Dungeonmaster..." (angels singing) "...his brow mantled with a crown of purest wisdom and knowledge, reached 'cross the screen impenetrable to impart with voice undeniable that I, Arthur, should be rewarded for the challenges I had overcome with the boon of XP." (angels fall silent) "That is why I'm a 15th-level whatsit-thingie!"

Dennis: "Listen, strange men hiding behind screens distributing XP is no basis for a system of character abilities. Supreme personal power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical, bombastic ceremony."

Arthur: "Be quiet!"

Dennis: "You can't expect to wield supreme personal power just 'cause some hazy codger muttered at you!"

Arthur: "Shut up!"

Dennis: "I mean, if I went round saying I was a 20th level archmage just because some foggy curmudgeon had mumbled in my general direction, they'd put me away!"

Arthur: (attacks Dennis) "Shut up, will you? Shut up!"

Dennis: "Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system."

Arthur: "Shut up!"

Dennis: "Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being exploited for XP!"

Arthur: "Bloody Commoner!" (departs as other Commoners gather)

Dennis: (to other Commoners) "Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him exploiting me for XP? You saw it, didn't you?"