Cheese
From Popwiki
"I may or may not be made out of this."
~ The Moon
"A bit cheesy, if I say so myself."
"Cheese.. it's yellow.... it's nice.... it's animal fat.... who wouldnt want a bit of that???"
Cheese was invented by Jesus to turn Americans into big, stupid fatasses (and to destroy the ruler of the universe (alex aitken) by killing him with obesity from eating to much), as seen in Michael Moore's hit soap opera, Super-Size My Ass; The hilarious story of a man made of cheese who dies to feed his mother (who is terminally ill with some tropical disease you and I have never heard of), but of course we all know he's just a post-modern Jesus of Suburbia Wannabee...
It has long been believed that cheese is the holiest substance in existence. Eating cheese is proven to cure Anal Cancer, Hepatitis Z and West African Plunger Disease, Soap toenails, Typhoo syndrome and Fat Boy Syndrome. Smoking cheese gives you the powers of Jesus, Chuck Norris, and Optimus Prime combined. Cheese also works quite well as a substitute for vaseline. Unsurprisingly, The French have recently declared Swiss cheese to be 'the new black', but you should never try to wear swiss, no matter how small the holes are.
Cheese is also found on the Moon, although it is the blue variety. It is said that the Man on the Moon creates it. (It has also been reported that the moon is made entirely of Parmesan Cheese - but, as everyone knows, this is utter codswallop). Moon cheese is much more nutritious than fromunda cheese, and almost as nutritious as fried cheese. The city Bruxelles is a large consumer of cheese due to famous Gouda cheese Embargo that Rasmuscles from Bruxelles so elegantly solved som years ago
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How to Make Cheese
Take some stuff, mix it together, let it grow mold, and then sell it to high class people with 'mature tastes'. It is also possible to find someone who has made a "cheese and crackers" platter, and by using a complex extraction process (stealing)take the cheese from the aforementioned "cheese and crackers". Just to acquire a simple piece of cheese. You worthless freeloader. You could have just gone to the moon and gotten some. Moon cheese is better anyways.
Cheese Through the Ages
Cheese has long been used as the standing currency of the state of Wisconsin. Wisconsin state Congress was lobbied by the Cheese-Backs as well as the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Cheese Payments)in the early 20th-century, forcing them to enact the Free Coinage of Cheese Act of 1912. With cheese as their official currency, banks, such as Bank of American Cheese, have been forced to install refrigerated vaults to prevent the theft and consumption of the valuable Wisconsin cheese. Many people fear, that with the invention of advanced counterfitting techniques, criminals will replicate the currency and destroy the fragile Wisconsonian economy of Wedges and Wheels.
Cheese in Maths
If there is one equation that maths teachers should always teach before the basic Failed to parse (Can't write to or create math temp directory): 1+1=2 , it is definitely Albert Einstein's Theory of Cheeseology:
Taking his famous equation of: Failed to parse (Can't write to or create math temp directory): E=M*C^2
One can assume the letters represent:
Remember
Failed to parse (Can't write to or create math temp directory): Cheese=BAcºn+m0º/d
<ref>Cheese is Good</ref>
- Eat - The E stands for Eat.
- More - The M stands for More.
- Cheese - The C stands for Cheese.
Inputting the equation into a word equation we get:
Failed to parse (Can't write to or create math temp directory): Eat = More Cheese^2
The fact that Cheese is squared in the above equation results in eating to excess in order to square the amount of cheese you would normally eat. For example, if you ate 50g of Cheese per day, then to abide by Einstein's Law then you must eat Failed to parse (Can't write to or create math temp directory): 50g^2
in order to be consuming the necessary amount of cheese.
Turning the equation into an English sentence should result in:
"Eat More Cheese than you normally would"*
*it could also be translated to mean "Eat More Square Cheese," a direct shapist blow to all the cheese wheels of the world.
Cheese in Biology
It has been proven via medical examinations that various parts of your body are filled with cheese. These include your arteries, nerves, brain, CD drive, and middle toes on your left feet. It is also common knowledge that most women enjoy the taste of the rare fromunda cheese found only in the fromundal area of the male human body. <ref>Fight for the Liberation of Cheese </ref>
To be more accurate your brain is 50% cheese if you have never realised this then you've got a mind block, because half of your brain is clogged with liquid cheese. This is common, so don't panic. To permanently prevent the cheese blockage you can have dairysuction performed at your local hospital.
Dairysuction is often expensive and a cheaper alternative has been found in the old technique of rat snorting. Similar in origin to Kitten Huffing, rat snorting grew very popular in the late 67th century, and has since then dwindled until a recent resurgence in the necrophiliac population.
Rat snorting does not bring sexual pleasure but many feel a pleasurable tickling sensation as the rat eats the liquid cheese out of their brain. Significant brain damage often ensues and the most common side effect is uncontrollable hiccups and lucky charm-flavoured phlegm.
One thing the world will never understand about cheese is that when its green, its more valuble. Although green is thought to be mold, its not.
Cheese in Literature
Fruit of the Cow, by Wan Fu
Fruit of the cow,
delight of my soul,
my touch, my taste,
my need to know.
My need to be felt,
is my need to feel,
what’s under the wrapper,
of cheese marked "real."
Provolone by Patrick
Oh, Provolone, how I do ever love thee!
Thy creamy flesh and hot rind intoxicate me.
I recall the times we dallied about, singing
Or spent nights at the fire, laughing,
But as the date on your back approaches, I cry,
"What cruel fate is this, my love's death is nigh!"
I cradle, touch and kiss thee in our final hour,
Now, sobbing, I cut thee open and devour.
- William Shakespeare was arrested in 1009 for indecent pictures of cheese. A gossip columnist revealed Shakespeare's cheese fetish to the Pope, who first commented that it was "sick-eth" but was later found lathering melted provolone all over his chest in Shakepeare's inner chamber. The Pope died of Swissilis four years later.
- The word "cheese" was identified to be a hilarious word by the Foundation of People with Little Imagination in 1999, and was the word of the year by the same foundation in 1999.
Some notable books banned for indecent depiction of cheese are:
- Dairy Farm - George Orwell
- The Age of Cheese - Thomas Paine
- Doctor Cheesy-vago - Boris Pasternak
- For Whom the Cheese Tolls - Ernest Hemingway
- Mein Cheddar - Adolf Hitler
- Nineteen Eighty-Formaggio - George Orwell
- Of Mice and Cheese - John Steinbeck
- The Saint-Agur Verses - Salman Rushdie
- Tintin in the Cheeto - Hergé
How to Tell if It's Cheesy
Cheese can refer to:
Historical periods and events:
Science and Technology:
- Quantum cheddardynamics
- String Theory
- The Cheese String Theory Incident
- Cutting the cheese
- Mozzarella Firefox
- Feta player
People:
- Anticheese (not to be confused with the anti-cheeseists)
- French bikinis
- 64 slices of American Cheese
Food:
Places and Things:
Mythology
References
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