Some SKF Stuff/Nick Starts a Band

From Nick Bate Wiki

[edit] Summary

• Premise: Just as the title claims, Nick attempts to start a band.
• Characters: NT, KN, Nick, Mandy, Simon, Goliath, Baby, Paratroopa
• Settings: A street, Vladimir's garage, The clubhouse, Goliath's talk show, Taco Palace
• Writers: Nick

[edit] Script

(Open to KN and NT facing off in the middle of the street.

NT: Get ready, KN, to experience my full power!

(Nick peeks in from the side of the screen.)

NICK: No, we're not doing that.

KN: Well, what do you suggest we do, then?

NICK: Hmmmm...

(Cut to Nick, KN and NT in a garage, holding musical instruments.)

NT: GAH! How did you do that?

KN: Yeah, and where are we? Macen doesn't even have a garage.

NICK: Which is why I had to use Vlad's instead.

KN: ...well...whatever the case, I'm not gonna be in this band if you're the lead singer.

NICK: Why? It's not like we're going to be any good either way.

KN: I've heard your singing voice, and it's freaking horrendous.

NICK: Oh, you.

NT: And why am I playing an accordion?

NICK: Anybody who's everybody plays accordion, yo.

NT: Maybe so... but I don't even KNOW how to play accordion!

NICK: Learn.

KN: We'd better get out of here before Vlad wakes up.

NT: What'd you do, Nick, knock him out?

NICK: Naw. I just pelted him with one o' mah famous marijuana grenades. (holds one up)

KN: They're not famous.

NICK: Shut up. (throws it at KN; it bounces and lands on the floor)

KN: That was pretty stupid.

NICK: Why?

(The grenade begins spurting out smoke.)

(Cut to Simon and Mandy in their clubhouse thingy.)

MANDY: Where's Nick?! I told him to be here like an hour ago!

SIMON: I haven't seen him for a while. Think he's dead?

MANDY: No... not this time. Something tells me he's somewhere doing something stupid.

(Wavy lines eminate from her head.)

SIMON: Oh, cool. You have Nick-senses.

MANDY: Yeah, they warn me when he's coming.

(Nick walks in.)

NICK: Hey guys. What's up?

MANDY: You're an hour late for our meeting.

NICK: Ohhhh... right... aboot that, see, what happened was... uhh...

(Cut to a flashback of Nick, KN and NT eating burgers.)

NICK: (voiceover) Me, KN and NT kinda... got high... so we went out for veggie-burgers.

SIMON: (voiceover) And it took you an hour to eat them?!

NICK: (voiceover) Well, yeah, we had seconds. And thirds. ...and twenty-fifths.

(Cut back to the clubhouse.)

MANDY: Geez, Nick. That can't be healthy.

NICK: Yeah well, I brought another grenade to relive the fun. (holds one up)

(The grenade starts spewing out smoke)

SIMON: Nick, no!

MANDY: You fucking idiot!

(Cut to the same scene, but later. The smoke is still lingering in the room, and everybody is high.)

NICK: Guys... guys, didn't- didn't I tell you how awesome this was gon' be?

MANDY: I will never doubt you again.

SIMON: You'll never doubt YOURSELF.

MANDY: Oh, wow... I'm hungry. Nick, go look what we have in the fridge... the one that's over there... in the corner...

(Nick walks over to the fridge and opens it.)

NICK: Just some of those cookies I baked. And trust me, you do NOT want those cookies.

MANDY: (sigh) You guys were supposed to restock our supplies, like, a week ago.

SIMON: We commissioned Goliath to make us some stuff. I guess he just kinda... forgot.

NICK: Nah, it's not like him to forget to cook stuff.

MANDY: Let's investigate! uhh, just give me a couple of minutes.

NICK: ...to do WHAT? :D

(Cut to Goliath's talk show.)

GOLIATH: Guys, I'm kinda busy filming a show.

SIMON: But it's important! A matter of life and death! We have the munchies!

NICK: We told you to make us some food a frickin' week ago, man!

GOLIATH: Yes, yes, I've been busy, what with my talk show... and my restaurant... and being Macen's caterer... and my musical career...

NICK: Yeah, well, we're starting a band too, and bandists need nourishment to keep on bandin'.

GOLIATH: A band, ehhhhhhh? I can be the lead singer! check out my new hit single! (singing) Do the Doggy Disco... tonight... do the Doggy Disco... and you'll be feelin' all right...

MANDY: stop that. As the leader of our band of pirate bitches, I command you to never ever sing again, and, um... also give us some booty of some sort...

NICK: Heh, we've already got some nice booty in our crew.

(Mandy punches Nick in teh stomach.)

NICK: AUGH

MANDY: Besides, I'M the lead singer. Nick, lay down some beats.

NICK: (begins beatboxing)

MANDY: NOT RAP!

NICK: (stops) ...ehh.

GOLIATH: Hmmm...I see. Well, you know, I'm also skilled in other areas...

(Cut to the clubhouse. Nick (on guitar), Mandy (on microphone), Simon (on keyboard), Goliath (on accordion) and Baby (on drums) are all there.)

MANDY: Okay, the only thing that went wrong with that last rehearsal was, uh, Nick, your harmony was severely out of sync, and also your guitaring sucks ass. Everyone else was awesome.

NICK: Ohhh... Want me to try again?

MANDY: Nah, that's good enough for today. Take five, everyone.

NICK: Want me to set off another marijuana grenade?

SIMON: Nah, I'm still feeling the effects of the last one.

(Goliath and Mandy are standing in front of a water cooler, which is filled with coffee.)

GOLIATH: Sure you don't want me to sing?

MANDY: No. I'm the singer.

GOLIATH: Because my hit single "Do the Doggy Disco" went platinum. And it's just an EP, so that really says something.

MANDY: I think you're making this up as you go along.

GOLIATH: Am not! Look it up on those Internets you use all the time!

MANDY: Maybe I will. MAYBE I WILL...

(Baby, Simon and Nick are messing around on the stage.)

NICK: Okay, Baby, give me a drum beat.

(Baby does nothing.)

NICK: Just pound on the floor or something. Psy, you uhhh... record my voice and play it back to make some kind of trippy echo effect.

(Psy pulls out a tape recorder. Nick begins singing yet ANOTHER improv song, and partway through, an echo effect is added.)

GOLIATH: Whoa, guys! You're doing it all wrong! Allow me to demonstrate the sexiness of... The Doggy Disco! (singing) Do the Doggy Di-

MANDY: NO! Stop doing that!

GOLIATH: It frickin' went platinum!

NICK: What?! My first single only went "shit"!

GOLIATH: But MINE went platinum.

MANDY: No one cares.

GOLIATH: The record companies do. I gots tons of major labels tryin' to sign me, yo!

NICK: I dare you to name your next album Major Label Debut. :D

GOLIATH: Actually, I'm sticking with my own independant label. Nice thought though.

(Kris pops up out of nowhere.)

KRIS: I bet ya five bucks my new movie is gonna sell more copies than your crappy album!

GOLIATH: Oh, we'll see... we'll see... (looks toward the camera) Still a Dog comes out summer of 2009.

KRIS: Yeah, well, Urethral Sex comes out tomorrow! I'm aiming for one billion dollars over the opening weekend!

MANDY: Hey. Everybody stop being retarded. You're ruining our rehearsals.

NICK: (singing in falsetto) Ell ess deeeeeeeeeeeeee.

(Everyone stares at him awkwardly.)

(We now cut away to Taco Palace.)

PARATROOPA: You guys had better be good. I paid, like, seven thousand bazillion mush to book yous!

MANDY: What the hell? I only authorized SIX thousand bazillion!

(Cut to Baby, with shifty eyes, pocketing some money. Cut back. Nick pops up from the side of the screen.)

NICK: Bazillion isn't a real number.

MANDY: Bazillion is your mom!

NICK: So it is... so it is... I may have to look into that.

(Nick drifts back off-screen.)

SIMON: So how do we split up our pay?

NICK: Fairly, of course! I get half and yous can divide the rest equally!

GOLIATH: That doesn't sound very fair at all.

NICK: Your MOM isn't fair.

GOLIATH: (in tears) Mommy wouldn't let me eat ice cream...

NICK: Dude, the guitarist ALWAYS makes the most money.

MANDY: YOUR MOM always makes the most money. ...by being a prostitute. OH SNAP.

(KN appears)

KN: HEY! "Your mom" jokes stopped being funny jillions of years ago.

NICK: Jillion isn't a real number, either.

SIMON: Your GIRLFRIEND isn't a real number!

KN: HEY. NO. That follows the same damn syntax.

GOLIATH: (contorted limbs) YOU follow a syntax!

KN: (pissed) ...I'm... leaving.

(Cut to everyone but Mandy on stage with their instruments. A crowd of several minor characters seems to be gathered.)

NICK: Okay, let's make this a good one!

(Nick begins playing guitar, but is interrupted by Simon.)

SIMON: Dude, major trouble. Mandy's got laryngitis.

NICK: WHAAAAT?! WHY DIDN'T SHE USE A CONDOM?!

(Simon pauses, trying to comprehend what just took place.)

SIMON: ...no... Nick, no... it's not an STD... it means that she can't sing.

NICK: Oh fuckmuffins. We're screwed, aren't we?

SIMON: Not unless someone can cover for her. Who has the best voice out of all of us?

(Goliath raises his hand.)

SIMON: No, seriously.

GOLIATH: We can burst into a rendition of Do The Doggy Disco!

NICK: That's no good, we don't have any synthesizers or stylophones or any of that jazz!

GOLIATH: Nick, you work the accordion. I'm takin' the mic, baby.

(Baby looks at him.)

GOLIATH: NOT YOU.

(Baby runs off, crying.)

SIMON: Oh, great! You just scared off our drummer!

NICK: (off-screen) Problem...

(Cut over to Nick, who has apparently broken the accordion.)

NICK: My bad.

GOLIATH: (slaps self) Okay, Simon, lay down some keyboard rhythms.

(Simon plays a tune.)

GOLIATH: Nick, gimme some o' dat guitar action!

(Nick plays guitar very randomly and crappily.)

GOLIATH: Okay! Here we go! {singing} Do the Doggy Disco... tonight... Do the Doggy Disco... and you'll be feelin' all right...

NICK: {falsetto} Guitar solo!

{Nick plays a very very crappy guitar solo. Soon the keyboard beats resume and Goliath continues singing.}

GOLIATH: {singing} Six thousand and fifty-one strobe lights... lightin' up the runway...

{Cut to slightly aggravated Nick, Goliath and Simon standing in front of the venue. Apparently the doors have been boarded up.}

NICK: Wow. That didn't go over as well as I had previously expected.

SIMON: Goliath, I can't believe your voice actually caused a nuclear waste plant buried underneath Taco Palace to explode, contaminating all the food and poisoning the audience!

NICK: Stop expositioning, you expositioning expositioner.

GOLIATH: (singing while holding a mic) Fooooouuurth wall breeeeaaaak...

(Roll end credits. Because this episode just sucks so bad it needs to be killed off right now.)