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How To ...Drive
From Huasitodf
Contents |
[editar] Approach Vehicle
[editar] Parking Lot approach
[editar] Driveway approach
[editar] All approaches
Women: fumble in your purse looking for the keys. Do this even if you know exactly where they are. Mumble something (to make it convincing) like "I just know my keys are in here" or "Now where's did they go?"
Men: hold keys out in right arm in the "this is a phaser" approach from Star Trek. Push alarm deactivation button. Reactivate alarm. Deactivate again.
[editar] Mount Vehicle
With door open, gently set yourself onto seat far enough that you can put the keys in and start the engine. Turn on the radio. Turn up volume. Turn volume higher.
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[editar] Driving
Keep radio at or near the upper limits of its ability. Some find it more tolerable to put speakers in the trunk as it can get rather noisy. Another technique to deal with the noise is to wear headwear over the ears, although it has not yet been finally determined whether the bandana style of this method (both Tupac Shakurstyle (with knot in front)and Billy Ray Cyrus (knot in back)).
Type of vehicle is important as well, but one must follow the cardinal rule: Factory is good, Conversion is better. Here are some simple applications of the cardinal rule:
- Tinted windows is good, spoiler is better.
- Factory paint is good, bright lime green (even if only one one side of vehicle) is better.
- Factory muffler is good, racing muffler is better.
- Wheels are good, rims are better.
An alternate procedure is to get some new clothes from the fairies that helped Aurora in Sleeping Beauty, and make sure that either Goofy or Donald is in your party, depending on how you want to drive. Having a full drive gauge also helps Select "Drive," and select either Valor Form (Goofy and three filled drive gauge bars required), Wisdom Form (Donald and three filled drive gauge bars required), Master Form (two party members and four filled drive gauge bars required) or Final Form (two party members and five filled drive guage bars required). If you mess up and go into Anti Form somehow, don't worry, this isn't your fault. Just wait until either you die or you stop driving.
[editar] Steering
A critical mistake of many drivers is forgetting the little things, such as routine oil checks, weekly enemas, and steering.
When one is steering, they must keep in mind 3 basic things:
- Keep hand one firmly affixed to wheel, with the other on your penis. Remember to keep your penis hand ready, in case you need to shift gears.
- When turning, make sure to thrust your penis hand in the direction of the turn, doing laser sound effects if you spot a truck and/or hovercraft. It allows them to know you are in the process of turning, and they will respond accordingly. (Although in some European countries, the guesture can be taken offensively, and they may return fire)
- When on a highway, the steering wheel is rendered useless, and you must resort to the use of your penis hand. It normally is safe to steer, but when going 60 while cars are follwing, deploy your penis hand while slamming the breaks. If done correctly, you'll hear a cracking noise in your skull, followed by a red discharge as everything goes black.
[editar] Keeping ahead of other cars
Perhaps the most important aspect of driving is keeping ahead of other cars on the road, except for police vehicles. The exception has an exception. That is that it is important to keep ahead of them if they are not pulling you over. In summation, this rule is: a) keep ahead of everyone but police and b) keep ahead of police except when they are pulling you over.
The key to keeping ahead of other cars is lane changes. When the light turns green, it will not do for you to slowly accelerate. Hit the gas! You need to speed up to get in front of those two (2) cars in the right lane so you can turn into WalMart. If you do not speed up fast enough, you might hit them when you pull right (don't use turn signals because it may give them an edge). Speeding helps one avoid accidents, by driving faster.
Another key to keeping ahead of other cars is to swerve. Say that you are not in too much of a hurry, or your tires are out of alignment. Then, you can still keep ahead of other cars, by slowly drifting back and forth across more than one lane of traffic. Pretend you don't see the other cars. That's very important.
Or you can fool the other cars by making lots of turns. Should another car get "ahead" of you, then just make a u-turn. The beauty of u-turns is that not only can you do them anywhere, but you get yourself back into the lead! I can tell you that it is a thing of beauty to behold when you see a lime green Civic pull a double u-ey beating both the northbound and southbound traffic during rush hour. Timing is everything.
[editar] What lanes mean
Although they seem very complicated, it really is not that tough for a grizzled veteran.
Everything breaks down into smaller pieces as follows:
The Left Lane: On highways this is the lane you should be in when you need to make a phonecall, are passing someone and the other lanes are all full, if you are over 72 years old, or your vehicle has pieces falling off. This last instance--pieces falling off--is why it is called the Left lane, as in left behind. Tailgating while in the left lane is manitory in most states, Mars and in the middle of Bumfuck, Egypt but in most other states, nations and planets tailgating is not required but always a great idea.
The Center Lane: There is no reason to ever be in this lane. It is difficult to make u-turns from this lane. "Swervers" (those enacting the 'swerve' scheme described above) will never properly execute from this lane because it is too easy to get around them. If you accidently find yourself in this lane, it is crucial that you make a phonecall. Note that in american football, the "Center" gets to have the quarterback's hands put basically between his butt-cheeks. However, tailgating is encouraged (but not required unless going at 70 miles per hour) should you find yourself in the center lane.
The Right Lane: This is an excellent passing lane, especially on highways because traffic merging onto the highway is not going as fast, so you have extra time to pass. In many places, you can always turn right from this lane (even if the sign says "no right turn") because of the "Right Turn Rule" interpretation by the Supreme Court that says it is contrary to the Third Amendment to refuse to allow right turns on red. This is a good place to talk on the phone while passing other cars. Of course, tailgating is always required in the right lane in all nations, states (both Physical and mental), and other places.
Lanes not described above: The "Reference to the True Lane" rule applies.
For example, if you have four lanes, there is no "Center" lane. There is a right lane, a left-right lane, a right-left lane and a left lane. The left-right lane is next to the right lane, hence its name Left-right lane. As it is a Left lane using the reference rule, follow the rules of the road listed above for Left lanes. The right-left lane is next to the left lane, hence its name Right-left lane, so follow the right lane rules for that one.
[editar] Backing In
Backing in, while completely unnecessary and a waste of time, is a cool way to impress your friends. Start by checking to see if anybody is coming from behind. If not, wait. It is important to block the road when backing in.
Once you have the road blocked, pull between the desired parking space and whatever is across from it. Shift into neutral and get out. Begin pushing your car backwards.
[editar] Emergencies
I think this is self-explanatory. Emergencies are when you need to get somewhere fast. The rule here is to honk your horn when another car is in your way. You will find yourself in an emergency whenever you are at a mall, if there is a car accident nearby, or if you are from South America. Please only honk in an emergency.
[editar] Driving Etiqutte
It is considered inappropriate to drive as quietly as possible and obey the road rules. Proper driving etiquette demands that you talk on a phone while driving, preferably so loudly everyone in the car next to you no longer needs to eavesdrop.
Other demands of driving etiquette are:
- Playing extremely loud music
- It is illegal to have music with heavy bass turned up extremely loud in some countries. If a police car starts chasing you, put a different song on and keep driving.
- Trying to eat 5 Big Macs and drink 1L of Coke while driving
- Not indicating when merging lanes
- Aiming for the smallest possible gap to cause the largest possible accident
- Screaming obscenities at drivers obeying the rules
- Mooning passing cars
It is also considered inappropriate to take the next exit if you miss your intended one. The correct procedure is to place the car in reverse and floor it (approx 150km/h) until you reach your exit. Slam your car into Park now if it is automatic. The satisfying crunch-whirr as your gears shear straight off the engine and the thud as your transfer box snaps in half and is driven through the floor means you have successfully completed this procedure. Slamming your car back into either 5th or Drive, you must then accelerate to the highest speed on your speedometer and cut everyone off as you nearly miss the exit again.
[editar] Accident Procedures
If you are in an accident, remember that it is always the other driver's fault, regardless of the situation. For example, if you have come off a drunken binge with a lorry and smashed straight into a parked Volvo, it is the Volvo driver's fault for cutting you off with their car.
If you are in an accident, this is the proper procedure:
- Wait for the airbag to deploy. If you do not have an airbag, go to the next step.
- Smash your head as hard as possible against the steering wheel.
- Get out of your car and slash the fuel lines.
- Get back into your car before the other driver sees you and before you lose consciousness.
- Push the cigarette lighter in.
- Take the hot lighter out, burn your own crotch by accident, then drop it in the petrol.
- Throw yourself 200 feet in a random direction when the petrol explodes.
- Take the bloody mass now called your body and mercifully expire on the other driver's car.
- Claim on the other driver's insurance.
- Remember to say "not at fault" when questioned about your involvement.
- Remember to say "guilty as hell" when questioned about the other driver.
- Provide an entirely false testimony at the Police Station.
- Have your car written off and use the money to buy a new car.
- If the person is not there and you hit them, remember to DRIVE LIKE HELL!! Due to evolution humans stopped hearing car alarms in 1986.
- To make the other person seem at fault, during the "I'm real sorry 'bout this." speech quickly and swiftly slash your tyres with a box cutter then leave the knife in the other guy's car.
- Remember to exagerrate everything, Say "This jerk rammed me at 60 miles an hour/100 kilometers an hour while I just drive slowly."
- Be sneaky, but leave $50 in the cop car, this is not bribery!
- Whack car with sledge hammer on bumper and shove in another car(not who you hit but some other sucker. Works well at Home Depot) then say the other guy parked too far out
- If his window breaks, reach in the coin spot and take it all, Most people never know anything's even in there
- Pull out a fake ID card that identifies you as a member of the Police. Arrest the other driver for dangerous driving causing damage to property, dump him at the police station and then run like hell.
- Do the above, but replace the fake ID card with a real ID card. Works even better if you are actually a member of the Police.
[editar] Driver talk
At the office water cooler, blame all traffic on the roads themselves. It is rude to blame people as most of you are people yourselves and this will only come back to bite you. Use things like "the interstate had horrible traffic", or "it always is bumper to bumper". Or you can be creative such as, "I saw an SUV that was CRAZY, he pulled across three (3) lanes of traffic to do a U-TURN ON THE INTERSTATE THRU THE OFFICIAL USE ONLY TURN! He *could have* caused an accident!" This is not putting blame on the driver of the SUV, but on the SUV itself because they are so much fun to drive, it could not be the driver's fault the SUV decided to do such a crazy turn. Bonus points if you were the SUV driver. (**Although expressly not condoned, if the SUV caused an accident, only in a water cooler situation, it is permissible to say "could have" caused an accident.)
