Jack Handy

From Funny Wiki

Jack Handey is an American comedian and comic writer. He is famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts.

Deep Thoughts

• Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
• A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call up the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
• If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
• If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
• Why can't the ant and the caterpillar just get along? One eats grass, the other eats Caterpillars... Oh, I see now.