The Toxica Twelve
From Finsters Place For Made Up People The Tbs Wiki
{Opening Credits}
{Phil stands the laundry room. Joel peeks in from the right side of the screen}
JOEL: Hurry up, Phil. It's time for band practice.
{Joel exits the screen}
PHIL: We don't go to band. We don't go to SCHOOL.
{Joel walks in from the right side of the screen. He wears a medallion with a dollar sign on it}
JOEL: I'm from the School of Hard Rocks.
PHIL: So you're a Mormon?
JOEL: So you're a shut up... stupid?
PHIL: Yeah. I'm a shut up stupid.
JOEL: I'm talking about the band we're gonna make. Together. Here.
PHIL: We're not doing it here.
JOEL: No, I-I mean... That's the band's name. 'Together Here'
PHIL: You're stupid. CRAZY stupid.
JOEL: Crazy Stupid FLYYY...
PHIL: Where'd you get the money for this?!
{Cut to them standing in the backyard}
JOEL: Well, you-you've notice the chocolate factory in the backyard, right?
PHIL: Well, that would explain this.
{Phil motions to a girl that resembles a giant blueberry}
JOEL: WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?! YOUR MOMMY'S NEVER COMING BACK.
{The girl rolls offscreen}}
JOEL: Sheesh. Anyway, I'm sitting on a big sack. Of cash. On my nuts. Metaphorically.
PHIL: Lemme guess. These are album titles.
JOEL: YESSSS... See, this is why we're best friends! Now let's check out that money vault I installed in the guest room.
PHIL: We don't have a guest room.
JOEL: WE MAY... IN THE FUTURE. When the vault's removed. But until then, I had to put it, you know, other room.
{Cut to them in Phil's room}
PHIL: YOU PUT IT IN MY BEDROOM!?
JOEL: NO!
(Cut To Them In Ac's New 18 Room House's New Room)
AC: YOU PUT IT IN MY GUEST ROOM
JOEL: Well you never use it! We've had thirty episodes so far, and there hasn't a single shot of your room! Do you sleep on the roof or something?!
PHIL: Well, there was the dream episode. Remember?
JOEL: Oh, you mean the episode that was the WORST EVER? The episode WE ALL HATE, AND NO ONE SHOULD LOVE?!
{A guy with a mustache and cap walks onscreen}
CHIFFARIO: Excuse me, sir! We have an emergancy!
JOEL: Yes, Chiffario?
CHIFFARIO: The fluffy chocolate! It is-a missing!
JOEL: Oh, dear no! This is a heavy blow! Heavier than Heavyweights starring Ben Stiller. Blowier than Blow starring Paul Reubens!
{Phil walks offscreen. He quickly returns carrying a soft drink cup}
CHIFFARIO: We expect it to be the Dark Dragon, or Lupin III.
{Phil takes a sip of his soft drink}
JOEL: The Dark Dragon... of course! Dark chocolate, dark evil! It totally correlates!
PHIL: What's the difference between dark evil and regular evil?
JOEL: Three point four.
PHIL: Is there a less mathematical answer to that?
JOEL: Math is for smarts, science is for farts.
PHIL: But math IS a science.
JOEL: You're a science.
PHIL: Also, you know, there's no such thing as fluffy chocolate.
JOEL: Fluffy chocolate can only be cultivated in space.
{Cut to a space station}
JOEL: Now this set us back a bit, but we have raised enough money to survive that setback. I mean, we potentially raised enough. The potential is there.
{Cut back to Joel and Phil}
PHIL: How much money?
JOEL: That's uh... two... There were some zeroes in there... I think the comma factor was... kinda low.
PHIL: MILLIONS?!
{cut back to the space station. A space dollar appears on the screen}
JOEL: Of Space Dollars, yes. Space Dollars, of course, are their own currency. Although, one Space Dollar does convert perfectly to one American dollar.
{Cut back to Joel and Phil, now in the living room}
JOEL: Now, let's not worry about that. Let's worry about the fluffy chocolate thieves.
PHIL: You spent millions of dollars that probably had MY name on the check, right?
JOEL: Look, right now there are bigger things going on than just you and me. Like seeing Spider-Man 2, which you AGAIN neglected to take me to.
PHIL: I just want to curl up and die.
JOEL: Actually, you know... That WAS going on between you and me. But still. You know, where are the other characters on this show? Somebody needs to hear my voice, and pass onto future generations that my voice was heard.
PHIL: They're all sick. Of YOU.
JOEL: Fine! I'll just draw and create my new best friend! It worked for Ralph Bacchi in Cool World, and it'll work for me!
{Scene cuts to the living room later, except a giant smilie has taken the place of Phil}
JOEL: Why, if it isn't Bup! FYAD fugitive and number-one fan!
{The line Bup says appears in a speech bubble above him as he says it}
BUP: why the long face jim lol
JOEL: Nobody likes you.
{Bup turns turns purple, yellow, then red, shaking with fury. It then cuts to the exterior of the house. Bup pops out of the roof with a Dragonball Z-style hairdo. Bup smiles.}
JOEL: You know, these in-jokes are just raping our success.
{A commercial plays}
NARRATOR: Introducing the Dawson Co. KANDY COMMANDOS!
{These words are shown on the screen. 'Not a Ripoff of Homestar Runner' flashes at the bottom for a second}
NARRATOR: We're made of chocolate. And Blood!
{a bite is taken out of a Kandy Commando. It spurts blood}
NARRATOR: BLOOOOOOOOD!
{Cut to some blueprints}
NARRATOR: We protect America from the evil organization of Crime... JAMAICANS!
{The camera pans down to the bottom right corner of the paper. A stick figure with dreadlocks playing bongos has been drawn}
NARRATOR: Now, for a limited time only...
{"Limited Time Only" flashes on the screen. It then cuts to a dead child on the ground}
NARRATOR: We kill you in front of your family FOR LAUGHS!
{Camera pans to the boy's mother}
MOTHER: Why did you do that?! {She sobs}
KANDY COMMANDO: For laughs!
