Hobbes of The Wild,The Camp Talent Show

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[edit] Hobbes of The Wild

Hobbes was sitting down with a can of tuna. Calvin calmly walked by. “Real tigers don’t eat canned tuna.”

Later, Hobbes was playing Calvinball. “Real tigers don’t play Calvinball,” Calvin told him. Throughout the day, this sort of thing continued. No matter where Hobbes went or what he did, he just got a lot of “Real tigers don’t go swimming...real tigers don’t play cards...real tigers don’t go to camp...”

Finally, they were both in bed at the end of the day. “Real tigers don’t sleep in a bed.”

At this point, Hobbes snapped on Calvin. “I’M NOT A REAL TIGER, OKAY?”

(NOTE TO HOBBES FANS: They mean he’s not a normal tiger. It has nothing to do with the stuffed animal thing)

Calvin was surprised and soon was asleep. But Hobbes wasn’t. He thought about what he had just said. He got out of his bed and looked out the window over the moonlit woods. “I’m not a real tiger,” he thought. “I never act like one. The only prey I ever stalk is that kid...I have to start being like a the true feline I am...”

Early that morning, Hobbes jumped out of bed and ran outside. This was the last night he would sleep in that room. He looked at the sun rising on the forest. It looked beautiful, and more like home. “I’ll do it! I’ll go in the forest and be a real tiger!”

Hobbes ran dramatically into the woods, but slipped and fells down a huge hill. He landed at the feet of a huge bear “That’s pathetic,” growled the bear. “What kind of tiger are you?”

“I’m...not a real one.”

“Well, Tony, we’re gonna make you one! I’ve trained great animals! King Kong the gorilla, Jaws the shark, Orca the Jaws rip-off, even those freaky huge mice who got jobs with Disney...I could even teach you to be like them animal heros, like Spider-Man...”

“Train me! Train me!” cried Hobbes.

“No problem...MUSIC!”

What sounded like a mix of that annoying theme from “Rocky” and “Eye of the Tiger” started up. A training montage of Hobbes started up, but he wasn’t doing a very good job.

“You’re even more pathetic than I thought!”

“Sorry...I hate training montages...”

The bear thought for a second. “You gotta focus on something that’s made you mad. Real mad.”

“Calvin...”

With the brat in his mind, Hobbes was now doing a good job, in a new training montage. “Can we stop this music?”

“I like this song.”

In Hobbes’s head, he saw images of him killing Calvin. He was slowly being driven to hate Calvin without realizing it. Finally, his training was over.

“Never again will you sit indoors!” the bear told him. “Never again will you eat tuna from a can or play cards! You are now a real tiger! Now, go out and stalk your prey!”

“Oh, I know who I’m gonna stalk...”

Meanwhile, Calvin was at camp with Ed, Edd, Eddy, Jason and Marcus. “Guys, Hobbes is gone!”

“Where do you think he is?” asked Jason.

“I don’t know...” said Calvin. “I thought I saw his tracks go into the woods by my house.”

“It’s too far to walk all that way there...” said Marcus.

“Yes we can!” cried Edd. “If we work as a team!”

“We tried that once, genius,” reminded Eddy.

“Do you think we’ll make it?” Jason wondered, starting up a song.

(Sung to the tune of “When I’m With You”)

Where my strength should be

There’s a cavity

Eddy: And in my stash

I’ve got no cash

Calvin: And my tiger’s gone

Don’t know what’s going on

Edd: There’s a sad feeling in the air

Marcus: But we can overcome the sadness

Together, we can pull it through

Folks say I’m just a geek who is weak

And that may be true

(Eddy: Yeah, it’s true)

But when my rockets I can’t pocket

I know just what we are all gonna do

See, I don’t miss the strength I’m missing when

I’m with you

Edd: I used to think that we could do anything

When we all acted as a team

But we seem to be cursed, just ding-a-lings

We just can’t do anything right...

Jason: But you serve as a voice of reason

Calvin: You can help us, that is so true

Edd: Yes!

I don’t miss the luck I’m missing when

I’m with you

Ed: I always have an extra foot

And a floppy disk that doesn’t flop

But my pancakes are filled with dirty soot

And I have no popcorn to pop

Marcus: Well, Ed I didn’t understand that

Calvin: And I didn’t get it at all, too

But you won’t miss the brain your missing when

Ed: I’m with you!

All: Well, our tiger’s what we’re missing

So let’s all get up and go

Edd: We’ll conquer what’s wrong

Jason: Sing more pointless songs

Ed: And play tic-tac-toe!

Calvin: So, we’ll all go a-tiger hunting

And do what we set out to do

All: Yes, anything is possible when I’m with you

Eddy: I’m just so sexy

(Edd: Eddy, was that really necessary?)

Calvin: Nothing is floppable

Jason: No height’s un-hoppable

Marcus: It’s all so logical

Eddy: We’ll be unstoppable

Ed: It’s machine washable

All: Anything is possible

When I’m...with...you!

I’m with you!

“Let’s go find Hobbes!” cried Calvin. They started to march off, when they saw Hobbes in the distance. “Oh...there he is.”

“Well, that song was pointless!” grumbled Eddy.

Hobbes threw a paper airplane at Calvin. It said, “Dear Calvin, I am now going to hunt you and your friends down, one by one. Still think I don’t act like a real tiger?”

Calvin put down the letter in surprise. “Holy...hey, where did Hobbes go?”

They all turned to see Hobbes disappearing into the camp building with murder in his eye. That wasn’t a good sign.

“I’m snapping my fingers to the Latin beat!” said Ed.

“Okay,” Calvin said nervously, “stay calm...” They nervously entered the building after Hobbes. “After all, when he’s in the heat and light, he goes slowly.”

“Yes, anything is possible, when I’m with...” they sang. Hobbes, meanwhile, was tinkering with the electrical wires, turning off the power. Everything got dark and cold, interrupting the song.

“Uh-oh...”

Calvin and his friends ran through the dark, cold halls into the main room where the other kids were. They were wondering what happened to the power.

“RUN!” screamed Calvin. “Evacuate! Hobbes is on the loose! He’s gonna kill all of us!”

Kevin stared at him. “Hobbes...your tiger?”

“Yes!”

The kids all laughed. “Dorks! He’s a stuffed animal! Let’s go play outside!”

“Hey! Stop!” Calvin called after them. “He’s not stuffed!” But the other kids all left.

“We should go, too,” said Jason, nervously.

Marcus looked around. “Yeah! Who knows where Hobbes is?” A clanging noise was heard up in the vents.

“He senses us...” Calvin whispered as the sound faded. They nervously worked their way into the hall and started towards the door. Hobbes was nowhere to be seen, but they couldn’t be too careful.

“Stay close...” said Marcus, “we don’t want to get...” They all heard a noise. Everyone ran in a different direction. “Separated!”

Jason and Eddy ran out of the building.

“Okay, it’s light and warm out here!” Eddy said, trying to stay calm. “We’re fine!” It got rainy with blowing wind.

“Crap!” hissed Jason. “This is like that scene in ‘Gremlins 2!’”

“Ooh! That was a good movie!”

Meanwhile, Ed was wandering around in a dark, seemingly empty room. Lightning flashed to reveal Hobbes.

“Hello, my name is Ed!”

Calvin was walking in the hall when he heard Ed’s scream. “One down...”

Jason and Eddy were running to the pool building. Behind them, the dark figure of Hobbes darted back and forth between cars on the rainy road. When the two boys reached the pool, they had some trouble with the door. “It’s locked!”

“It’s Friday!” realized Eddy. “The pool is closed on Friday!”

Jason turned around to see Hobbes slowly walking towards them on all fours. He knew he didn’t have to run. In desperation, Eddy picked Jason up and slammed him into the door, shattering its glass. They ran inside, but had a similar problem with the door to the locker room. “It’s locked, too!”

“If you think that you’re about to use me to break that---”

Without letting him finish, Eddy rammed Jason against the door, but nothing happened. He saw Hobbes coming and broke through himself. The two boys ran through the locker room and jumped into the pool.

“Tigers hate water!” said Eddy.

Hobbes swam towards them with the “Jaws” theme playing. He no longer resembled a tiger, but a shark, or perhaps an orca.

“Wow, he’s gotten good,” admitted Jason.

Jason and Eddy jumped out of the pool. Hobbes crawled along the walls like a spider...or Spider-Man.

“Really good!” added Eddy.

They jumped back in the water, only to have Shark-Hobbes swim towards them. They jumped out to see Spider-Hobbes. This all went on for a while.

Calvin was walking through the halls of the camp building, when he heard their screams from several blocks away. “Three down...they scream loud...”

Marcus walked by a phone. It rang, and he picked it up. He heard a faint tiger voice: “Seven seconds...”

“Oh, COME ON!” Marcus shouted into the phone. Hobbes instantly was behind him. “Time’s up.”

Calvin crept through the halls. As you may have guessed, he heard Marcus scream. “Four down...”

Calvin heard a noise behind him. Was it Hobbes? Without turning around, he ran screaming outside to find a huge swarm of birds on the telephone wires and everywhere else. “Maybe I’m better off inside.”

Calvin ran into the building’s locker room. He heard a shower running and peeked in to see Edd.

“Calvin, please!” he whined. “I’m busy!”

“What are you doing!”

“Well, running made me very sweaty, and I detest sweat, so I just decided to...”

“Haven’t you been paying attention to what’s been going on! Look at ‘The Birds’ reference!”

“I’m sorry, but cleanliness comes first.”

“I can’t believe this!” Calvin ran out of the locker room. While his back was turned, Hobbes slipped in. Edd was heard screaming.

“Five down!” said Calvin. Now, who was left? “Let’s see, that leaves...me.” Hobbes’s footsteps grew closer as he emerged from the locker room, looking for his true prey.

Calvin ran outside, batting off a few birds. “Forget the birds! I’m getting out of here!” The wind started blowing harder. Calvin struggled to walk against it. He found the other kids playing baseball. Charlie Brown tried to pitch the ball, but the wind blew it into him, knocking all of his clothes off.

“You know, that never gets old,” admitted Snoopy.

Calvin struggled to explain to the kids what was happening. “Everyone...run... Hobbes...wild...crazy...kills...”

“I still don’t know what he’s dorking about,” said Kevin.

The wind blew Calvin back into the building, down a hall. “Darn you, Kevin, you dork!” Calvin ran all the way down the hall, to find the doors on the end were locked. Hobbes started down the hall after him.

“No movie references here...” smiled Hobbes, “just a natural tiger hunt...”

“Hobbes, I’m sorry! Look, about what I said...you’re still a real tiger, even if you don’t act like one! You’re a great tiger!”

Hobbes stopped. “Really?...that’s good...that’s great, even! I don’t really like stalking you, anyway. It’s hard to seem threatening all the time. I don’t know how some people do it.”

All of Hobbes’s other victims limped out painfully. Calvin stopped being scared. “Well, you know, real tigers don’t act like sharks, or spiders, or reference horror films, or make phone calls, or...”

Hobbes snapped into normal tiger mode and mauled Calvin.

“Six down,” said Edd quietly. “I’m impressed.”

[edit] The Camp Talent Show

It was the day of the talent show in the camp’s auditorium. Lots of kids were in the audience. Occasionally, someone got up to prepare their act backstage. Charlie Brown was hosting on stage. “Hello, and welcome to the camp talent show! I’m your host, Charlie Brown. You know, hosting something isn’t that easy. Am I doing a good job? I’m only trying to---”

“GET ON WITH IT, BLOCKHEAD!” Lucy called from the audience.

Charlie Brown got nervous. “Um...um...here are Jason and Marcus with their ‘Amazing Iguana Cam!’”

Jason and Marcus ran on stage with a TV, wires, and many speakers.

“We now present a Fox and Jones feature,” announced Jason. “‘An Iguana With a Dream...In Sensurround.’”

“The dream is not getting kicked, punched, or thrown across the room!” added Marcus.

The movie started. The film was shown looking through Quincy’s eyes as he scurried across the floor of Jason’s house. He stopped at Jason’s sister, Paige, who looked down and screamed. The sound was carried through the auditorium, thanks to speakers placed all around it. The kids were blasted out of their seats. On screen, Paige stomped on Quincy, and the screen got blurry. The end.

“Poor guy,” sighed Marcus. “His dream never came true...”

Charlie Brown stumbled over, still stunned from the noise. “Couldn’t you have chosen a different movie?”

Jason thought. “There was that time we brought him to camp and let him scurry around the dodgeball field until Sarah hit him...”

(See “Dodgeball”)

“And here’s the star of our film...Quincy!” announced Marcus.

Jason held up his cage, but it was empty. Quincy had escaped. A scream was heard from the audience, and Susie (who had found him, much to her displeasure) threw Quincy at Jason’s face.

Jason hugged his iguana. “Quincy, the audience loves you!” Jason and Marcus walked offstage and back to their seats in the audience.

Charlie Brown announced the next performance. “And now it’s time for the comedy of...Plank?”

Johnny carried Plank out.

“Is Plank the straight man?” Calvin called from the audience. “GET IT!”

“Knock ‘em dead, buddy!” Johnny whispered to Plank. Their performance went like this:

Plank: ...

(Johnny bursts out laughing)

Johnny: He got that one from a dirty movie!

Plank: ...

Johnny: Woo! Plank, you’re on top!

Plank: ...

Johnny: I don’t know, what do you get when you cross them?

Plank: ...

Johnny: Yeah! That’s hilarious!

Charlie Brown had enough of this. “Okay, Johnny, I think the act’s over.”

Johnny picked up Plank. “What’s that, Plank? You want me to hurt Charlie Brown for interrupting your act? Okay, buddy!” Johnny started chasing Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown pulled a rope, and the curtain fell.

Johnny was kicked off the stage. “We’ll get him next time, huh, Plank?”

Charlie Brown attempted to find his words. “Well...that was...anyway, here’s Pigpen preforming...‘Dances With Dirt.’”

Pigpen walked on stage with a dusty cloud following him and started dancing.

Calvin, meanwhile, was still cracking up over his joke. “Straight man! Straight man! Get it? It was a pun!”

“Shut up,” said Hobbes.

Charlie Brown walked back on stage, coughing. “And now here’s Nazz playing the tuba.”

“Go, Nazz!” cheered Kevin.

Nazz came out with a huge tuba. Without a word, she blew in, letting one huge, deep, loud note travel through the room. Once again, the kids were blasted out of their seats.

The Eds stood backstage. “That was music to my earwax!” said Ed.

Edd held his ears in pain. “That was worse than Jason and Marcus!”

Eddy had mixed feelings. “How are we gonna follow THAT up!”

Nazz walked by. “Good luck, Eddy.”

Eddy stuttered, completely numbed with shyness. “Uh-uh-uh-uh...LET’S GO!”

“And now here’s---” Charlie Brown started, before being knocked over by Eddy.

“And now here’s a musical number directed, produced, conceived, and choreographed by me, Eddy!” Eddy announced himself. “‘Double D and His Amazing Dancing Lump!’”

Eddy started playing a CD of catchy piano music. Ed happily danced on stage, followed by Double D, who obviously had stage fright. He managed to come over it and sing well anyway: I may go out tomorrow

If I can borrow a water pump (Who wrote this?)

Oh, I’ll go out in style with my happy smile

And my dancing lump

Outrageous, alarm---

“That’s my horse!” Ed suddenly broke from the act smacked Edd a few times, and continued dancing as the happy music kept playing. Eddy ran on stage and started beating up Ed. The audience laughed.

Rolf got up and began to dance as well. “I love this music! It is so shiny!”

“I don’t get it,” said Calvin. “Is Ed symbolism for the working man? Is this ‘art?’ What am I looking at?”

Edd got back up and attempted to continue singing: Seen at the nicest places, where well-known faces...

Edd was knocked over by the fighting Ed and Eddy. The kids booed as the trio rolled offstage.

Charlie Brown nervously walked out again. “Well...here’s Schroder playing a medley of Beethoven’s greatest hits.”

Schroder carried his piano onto the stage. “‘Greatest hits?’ Good grief.” Schroder started to play as Charlie Brown walked backstage.

“This is a disaster,” sighed the round-headed kid. “I need help...”

A few minutes later, Charlie Brown was outside with Lucy at her psychiatrist booth.

“The show is awful!” he said. “I don’t know what’s gone wrong! Do you have any advice?”

“Go back on stage and announce the next act. Ten bucks, please.”

Charlie Brown looked up. “But this usually costs me ten cents!”

“It’s called inflation. Ten bucks, please.”

Charlie Brown grudgingly handed her the money and ran on stage. “And now, here’s Kevin with...” He checked the card in confusion. “‘How to Beat Up a Dork?’”

Kevin walked on with a punching bag that looked like Eddy. “Now, a dork is someone who makes you mad. If you’ve got power like me, anyone you say is a dork, automatically is a dork, no matter what! Now, you’ve gotta hit them first in the face, which makes it easier to---”

Moe jumped up from the audience. “No! You gotta hit them in the gut first!”

“What do you know, dork?” Kevin shot back.

“Dork? YOU’RE the dork!”

“You wanna say that up here?”

The two of them were suddenly fighting on the stage, in front of a cheering audience of kids. Charlie Brown managed to push them off.

Moe was taken aback. “Hey...he pushed us.”

“Get the dork!” yelled Kevin. They ran for Charlie Brown, but were whipped away by Linus’s blanket.

Charlie Brown regained his composure. “Well...we’ll all remember that one for a while. And now, here’s Linus with a surprise speech.”

Linus stood at a podium. “We all know about how happy we are on the holidays...but Santa Claus is not the only one who gives out presents. There is also the Halloween character...The Great Pumpkin!”

Linus was laughed offstage. “Disbelievers! He won’t give YOU any presents! You just wait! Someday, he’ll come to my pumpkin patch! Then you’ll see! You’ll ALL see!”

“Isn’t he your brother?” Susie whispered to Lucy in the audience.

“No!”

“Doesn’t he also pat birds on the head?”

“NO!”

“Here’s something even more obscure...” said Charlie Brown. “Rolf with ‘The Mating Song of the Hairless Otter.’”

Rolf walked on stage and began to howl something. Calvin and Hobbes were backstage. “Okay, Hobbes, you know what to do, right?”

“Do I have to do this?” complained Hobbes.

“Yes! We’re going on that stage a kid and a cat, but we’re coming back as stars!...well, you’ll be a star, I’LL be a planet!”

Rolf walked by. “Rolf is good, yes?”

Charlie Brown announced the next act. “And now here’s Calvin and Hobbes with tiger tricks.”

Calvin walked on with Hobbes, who looked stuffed to the audience. “Okay, Hobbes,” he smiled. “Jump through the hoop!”

The stuffed Hobbes did nothing. Calvin began to argue with it, which looked very weird to the audience. “No, I’m not gonna jump, you are! ... What! I am not more suited to be the animal in this act! ... Yes, I checked! You can fit! JUMP!”

Calvin ended up fighting with the stuffed animal, and rolling offstage. The audience was not sure what to think, and after a silence, they started booing. Calvin ran back onto the stage. “Yokels! You’ll never appreciate fine art!”

Charlie Brown walked back. “Now, for our final act and grand finale...I hope this isn’t going to kill me...”

Snoopy came on and started a CD playing the “1812 Overture.” He started firing off cannons to the beat.

Charlie Brown ducked. “Snoopy! Where did you get those cannons!” Snoopy ignored Charlie Brown and kept firing. Jason and Marcus rushed on and started firing off rockets.

“Stop it!” yelled Charlie Brown. “There are HOLES in the ceiling! AAAUUUGHHH!”

Schroder was now on as well, playing along on the piano. In the audience, kids ducked for cover.

“What do we do! What do we do!” Hobbes cried from under his seat. “And where’s Calvin!”

Calvin was running around on stage, throwing water balloons into the audience at various girls. “Yes! Yes! It’s a GROSS victory! Medals for everyone! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!” Soon he was being chased around the stage by everyone who got hit.

“It’s a disaster!” Edd cried from under his seat. “It’s the apocalypse! Do something, Eddy! Eddy?”

Edd looked up to see that Eddy was no longer next to him, but had been replaced by Marie Kanker. “Come here often?” she smiled.

“KANKER!” Edd ran away, being chased. Eddy passed, being chased by Lee. Ed, meanwhile, waas on stage, singing “Double D and His Amazing Dancing Lump,” despite the fact that the wrong background music was playing.

Charlie Nrown tiptoed away. “I’m going to go to sleep backstage, and when I come out, this will all be over...”

“Thank you and good night!” thought Snoopy.