Edmerican Idiots,Off the Deep Ed
From Finsters Place For Made Up People The Tbs Wiki
[edit] Edmerican Idiots
It was another morning at camp. Calvin and Hobbes were walking towards a bizarre fence that surrounded of good half of the camp.
Calvin: What do you think it is? Hobbes: Redecorating comity perhaps.
Calvin: Well there’s only one way to find out.
The spiky haired six-year old and his tiger pal slipped under the fence to see a sight fit for weirdness. “Wow” was all they could manage. It looked like the camp had been turned into a bad portrait of Washington D.C. Calvin and Hobbes were broken form their trance when a cardboard limo pulled by Ed came up to them. It seemed as if someone was trying to role the fake window down to no avail when finally it was merely torn off.
Eddy: HEY! This is a private country, only citizens of Edmerica are allowed.
Calvin: Huh?
Double D then popped his head out of the window.
Edd: You see Calvin, Hobbes, Eddy is…
Eddy: I’m fed up with all the dumb rules this country has! So I made my own.
Hobbes: That is honestly the stupidest thing you’ve ever done Eddy.
Ed: No way. Eddy’s the man with the plan!
Edd: Indeed. So you two would you like to become citizens of Edmerica? Eddy: Hey, hey, hey! I’m the only one who decides that kind of stuff. We’ll take you guys on the grand tour, only 25 cents.
Calvin: I’m not sure. Can I be president?
Eddy: I’m the president around here. Double D’s the vice president and Ed’s the horse.
Ed: Caw, Caw. Cock-a-doodle-do! I am a pony, fell my pretty main.
Calvin: Well if I can’t be president then go day to you sir!
Eddy: Well if you be can’t be here because you can’t be president because I’m president then good day to you sir!
Ed: I have mole on my butt that looks like Bowser Koopa eating sausage over a roaring fire.
Edd: Thank you for sharing that with us Ed.
Calvin stormed out of Edmerica furious over Eddy.
Calvin: Why can’t I be president! I’m so much better for the job!
Hobbes: Well you could always uhh, forget this ever happened and give me more tuna for dinner each night.
Calvin: How does that help our current situation?
Hobbes: It helps my situation.
Calvin: I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR NEEDS! Sorry.
By now they had made into the large center playroom thingy place. Calvin began to grab various objects to form a sort of fence.
Hobbes: What are you doing?
Calvin: If I can’t be president of Edmerica then I’ll be king of Calvinanda. Get it, Canada/Calvinada.
Hobbes: And I though today couldn’t get any stupider.
Soon Calvinada had taken roughly the remaining 2/3 of the camp. General Calvin stood before his army, in other words Hobbes.
Back in Edmerica Eddy sat atop his throne (“Of course presidents have thrones sock head.) The chair in question was situated on top of Mount Edmore. Mount Edmore was constructed from the not so precious garbage of the exotic and fare away land of Cul-de-Sacia. To picture this in your head just think of Mount Rushmore with the Ed’s heads on it. A chair taken from Jimmy’s tea set furniture and Linus’s blanket made it comfy. Plank had been converted into a footstool on that made up one of the Eddy face’s hairs. Using a pair of Binoculars the con artist could see over the entire camp. Eddy was most interested in what was now Calvinada.
Eddy: So, that little squirt thinks he can make his own country.
Edd: It’s a free country Eddy.
Ed: My brain is itchy.
Eddy: That was random. How’d you guys even get up here?
Edd: I though we agreed not to mention the plot holes Eddy.
Eddy: Who cares? It’s time to teach Calvin and Hobbes a lesson in Politics.
Edd: Wow Politics I never knew your vocabulary was so advanced Eddy.
Ed: Just like my mom!
Eddy: Well we need to teach him lesson and here’s how. Were gonna build us a weapon of mass destruction and land it smack dab in Calvinada.
Edd: And just how do we do that?
Eddy: Who said we? You’re the one to build it.
Ed: Look both ways before crossing the street Double D!
Edd: I wouldn’t build you two something so destructive in a million eons Eddy.
Eddy: Are sure?
Jason and Marcus who were they only citizens of Edmerica showed up. Soon this set off a song.
Eddy, Ed, Jason, and Marcus: Oh would you please Double D?
Make us a weapon so cool we’ll drool! Will you Double D? Eddy: Hey! Please just make us a weapon now
Jason: Double D
Don’t you see!
Marcus: You could fulfill our greatest fantasy!
Eddy: Oh, come!
Don’t ya see the weapon in your mind’s eye!
Marcus: Make plans!
Jason: Eat some Tums!
Ed: Ring bells! Bang the drums!
All four: What a great weapon you could make Oh my!
Double D a member is he of Ed, Edd, ‘n Eddy
Was distressed ‘cause he weighed less than seventy
He’s really been working out, so hopefully no one doubts
He’s got a lot of weights, ‘least fifty pounds
Eddy: Double D
Amazing is he
And we all know it
Smart as ten genius men, definitely!
Jason: He makes robots everyday
Marcus: And they’re amazing I say
Ed: Who is great all of the way?
All Four: Why, Double D
Jason: You’ve got millions of awesome inventions
Eddy: And a cactus
Ed: And a stinky hat
Marcus: And how we’d thank you is something to mention
Eddy: If you just give us a weapon that could give us detention
Marcus: And I bet you shan’t
All Four: Ever see something else like that
(The Kanker Sisters pop out of nowhere)
Marie: Double D! Handsome is he, and we all know it
Has nice shoes, could never lose
Playing hockey
Well, we’ll all scramble about
He’s a big target and stout
But we’ll catch him an make out with Double D
(Sung in counterpoint)
Lee and May: There's no question that he’s quite alluring
Though his intellect may leave some snoring
Thankfully, we girls are just so sophisticated
Of course, when he sees us, he’ll go running
‘Cause he finds us a bit less than stunning
So we gotta tranquilize him first, so he’s sedated Eddy: We’d congratulate you all day
(Edd: This could go so wrong, this could go so wrong)
And to use it, you could charge a fee
You’ve got other stuff that we didn’t say
All Four: You’ve got that and more but you are sure
You’re much better than you and me, Double D! Double D...
All Four: Double D
A member is he of Ed, Edd, ‘n Eddy
Pardon our greed, but we do need something of ye
It would be so fine, if you gave us doomsday designs
With sixty lazers, cannons galore
With bullets and blasters
A few bombs and more
Ed: With violent things, a little bell that rings!
All Four: That’s what we all need, you see... (Edd: Alright, Alright! I’ll do it!)
...Thanks, Double D!
Edd got to work but little did any of them know they too were being watched. Back in Calvinada our spiky haired hero, his tiger pal Hobbes, and Calvinada’s two citizens: Linus and Johnny were watching.
Calvin: Cheesy musical numbers? Weapons of mass destruction? Jason and Marcus? Edmerica is going down.
Johnny: We’re coming buddy!
Linus: Don’t worry Johnny, Plank and my blanket will be safely back with us soon enough. Right Charlie?
Calvin: (Notices Charlie Brown is here) Hey! How’d you get here?
Charlie Brown: Linus told me to help.
Johnny: So we’re gonna shoot you out of a cannon? Charlie Brown: Good grief.
Somewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom… Bower was looking through a crystal ball to spy on the kids.
Bowser: Dang! I was gonna take over that darn camp and make it into Bowserstan! (Grumbles)
In Edmerica Double D was putting the final touches on Eddy’s doomsday weapon.
Edd: You do know I highly disapprove of this Eddy. (Puts a bell that rings on top) (Sigh) Done.
Jason and Marcus: COOL!
Edd: I spent paragraphs laboring over this and all you can say is cool?
Ed: Well I can say mustard.
Eddy: Sock head, here’s the reward I promised you in the musical number. (Hands Double D a present)
Edd: Oh Eddy I don’t know what to say. THANK YOU! (Grabs Eddy, Jason, Marcus, and Ed in a group hug)
Ed: Open it! My spleen can’t take the excitement.
Edd: Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Opens box) NOTHING!
Eddy: No. The box is your present.
Edd: (Angry) YOU TRICKED ME! You lying, rotten, scoundrels!
Jason: Duh.
Ed: Marshmallows give me gas.
Edd: Oh you’ve done terrible things before but this takes the cake Eddy! I’m fed up with this! (Accidentally bangs hand on the “self-destruct” button on the weapon.) Oh my.
Ed: Are we gonna die?
BOOM!
[edit] Off the Deep Ed
It was yet another morning at camp for the kids; Eddy was up to his usual no-good with his latest (and most ridiculous) scam.
Eddy: Come on down to Eddy’s Animal Kingdom! The greatest zoo on Earth! only 25 cents.
Everyone of course ignored the desperate con artist. They had good reasoning too; the alleged “greatest zoo on Earth” was nothing more than several cardboard made cages containing a lawn sprinkler meant to look like an iguana, a football alligator pond and perhaps the most pathetic of all was merely Ed. It seemed he was animal enough all ready for Eddy’s scam.
Ed: PET ME, for I am Ed.
Double D who was serving as the “authentic zookeeper” walked up to our short friend/enemy.
Edd: Eddy, lawn sprinklers, footballs, and Ed a zoo does not make. We need something that is an actual animal.
Ed: Zippity Do Da I know what to do! (Pulls out a newspaper) We can incapacitate the Preach Creek Creek Monster.
Eddward grabbed the paper and looked at it with skepticism.
Edd: I’m sorry but this is a tabloid. Intact it’s scientifically impossible for a thirty foot long aquatic reptile to even survive in that horrendously polluted ecosystem.
Ed: But it’s the paper Double D. The news never lies! Just misinforms. (Grabs paper and hunches over it.) Too cool! “Bigfoot Marries Alien.” Shocking.
Eddy then got that evil look in his eyes that Double D and Ed knew meant “pack your bags boys, cause were going creek monster hunting.”
Edd: I’ll get the necessary supplies.
Eddy: Wow, he’s good.
Ed: I know. I ate a snail once.
Eddy: Don’t remind me.
Meanwhile our favorite spiky-haired six-year old and his enigmatic tiger friend Hobbes were watching Eddy’s pathetic excuse for a zoo unfold in the bushes.
Calvin: Did you see the look in Eddy’s eye? He gonna hurt Cressie!
Hobbes: (sarcastic) It has a name now? Calvin Edd’s right there is no “Peach Creek creek monsters”. That’s even more ridiculous then saying were in a fan fiction written by a guy named Blue Paratroopa.
Calvin: No, we’re in a fan fiction written by a guy called Insane Guy of Doom. Hey did you ever notice that if you take away first n, the s, and the e in Insane it becomes “Ian”, weird. But now we have to stop the Eds! This looks like a job for Speed Calvin! Come on Hobbes.
Hobbes: This will end in disaster, I know it.
At the creek the three con artists who shared the same name had arrived. Edd was lowering an inter tube into the water. Ed had brought the monster bait, which was a bread crumb “Because creek monster love fiber.” He explained. And the leader of this group other wise known as Eddy was clad in fishing gear, he had brought a butterfly net to capture Cressie with. In other words they were terribly prepared to “incapacitate” a thirty foot long flesh eating aquatic reptile.
Calvin and Hobbes arrived at the creek a few minutes later.
Calvin: (Panting) Woo, I’ve got to stop being Speed Calvin so much, it’s exhausting.
Hobbes: (Also panting) I know.
Our heroes spotted the Eds and Calvin took a stand.
Calvin: Eddy, I won’t let you hurt Cressie! Eddy: I’m not gonna hurt her, just put her in a cramped fishbowl in which she’ll spend the rest of her days in, in extreme agony too.
Ed: Just like my mom makes.
Edd and Hobbes: Oh, for goodness sake, THERE IS NO PEACH CREEK CREEK MONSTER!
As the tiger and twelve-year old (I’m guessing on Edd’s age based on the information given in “Your Ed Here”) yelled out the obvious Calvin and Ed started stammering “m,m,m,m,m,”
Eddy: What? Say it already.
Calvin and Ed: MONSTER!
Double D, Eddy, and Hobbes turned around to see a huge reptilian head emerging from the creek.
Double D, Eddy, Hobbes: MONSTER!
The five ran screaming back to the safety of camp, completely forgetting all the supplies left behind. It was only after they were long gone did the “monster” open it tremendous mouth to reveal… Jason and Marcus?
Jason: That was great! (breaks out laughing)
Marcus: I know (laughs uncontrollable) I think Eddy wet himself! Jason: That was classic!
Marcus: One of the greatest moments of the series!
Jason: Even better than when we created “Robot Pirate Santa”!
Little did the laughing nerds know, lounging next to them was a thirty foot long flesh eating aquatic reptile.
Cressie: I’ll say.
Jason and Marcus: AHHHHH! MONSTER! (They jump out of their fake monster and run screaming just as the others had.)
Cressie: What? Hasn’t anyone seen a thirty foot long flesh eating aquatic reptile before?
