User:Anedwcan/Nipples2
From Create Your Own Story
This regards the story by Stormbringer called Nikki "Nipples" Nicastro.
Here's my highly personal feedback on the story.
The setup is great, but it shows how early the story is in Storm's development. There's little of the "inner journey" in the girl that Storm later becomes a master of. Things basically happen to Nikki without that having much of an effect on her - she doesn't comment (much) on it, and/or try to change her behavior.
Furthermore, each "suitor" only appears once. If they were to recur, this would "force" Nikki to respond properly, which would make the story hotter, and let it "escalate" not just at the end. (As written, the story almost reads as if its author stumbles across the interracial fetish by accident and is overwhelmed by it...!)
At the very start, Nikki is clearly embarrassed about her body and wants to get back at her surgeon. These themes are quickly forgotten about.
Finally, this story would be perfect for a strong pregnancy risk theme. I LOVE it when the girl clearly wants to avoid risking a pregnancy, yet can't help herself...
In summary, the story doesn't really acknowledge the events of the story. Things mostly just happen, and never spoken of again. The story is still hot, but could be hotter.
All in all, I feel all of this could be addressed by making the story into a CYOS story. (Again, had there been a CYOA site with simple Wiki pages like this one but with simple variable support that would have been GREAT. But since the choice is between quick and simple on one hand (this site) and cumbersome and complex (at least compared to wiki - twine, renpy etc all don't just add variables but a TRUCKLOAD of extra stuff I'm simply not interested in learning) and because we need a completely uncensored host, here we are...) So now I'm spitballing ideas for an extended story based on Storm's character.
Story ideas: 1. The story progresses in weeks. Early in the story we focus on Nikki's embarrassment and don't subject her to the heavy stuff.
2. In this comic universe the pill isn't invented. When Nikki gets her initial pregnancy scare (from her lactating nipples), her husband instead assures her by saying he's sure he's always used a condom and that they have never broken.
3. Nikki doesn't immediately become active in bed. Let her have an erotic dream that is why she straddles her husband. When she wakes up she's completely embarrassed, but her husband tries to calm her down. This ends in them having sex again, and since he's so excited he forgets to wear a condom. Of course his weak white seed doesn't impregnate her, but they can at least have a discussion about "wouldn't this be a good time to start our family".
4. Nikki's protests against the paperboy is stronger, and she clearly says no. She still ends up with splooge on her chest, but is not nearly as desperate/corrupted (yet) to beg for a fuck. When the paper boy later returns to make good on his threat to make her his "steady piece" it's another matter.
5. I don't have anything to say regarding her chapter with Jill currently. I appreciate that Jill tries to corrupt Nikki, and that she shaves her, but I feel Nikki corrupts too easily, too fast
6. Since Orson the geek very well can't be made assertive (or he's no longer a geek) I think the best solution is to make this chapter wait until at least the second week. Once it's plausible he can tell her they're about to fuck, he can start trying to wiggle out of having to wear a condom.
7. The first few times Kerem has his way with her, she struggles to push him out before he cums. (Remember, she really does worry about pregnancy). Since Kerem appears in the story when he catcher Nikki redhanded with Orson, and thus can't appear too early, I'm fine otherwise.
8. The previous chapter incongruously ends with her rushing from her infidelity to purchase a racy bikini. In our game, we can place this where it's more natural, and have it trigger progress. Not only does she need it to attract the attention of the day laborers, it's also the first mention of her eventual vacation to Jamaica. I'd suggest having her sunbath in a regular one-piece bathing suit so the player is aware of the staring lecherous Mexicans and thus can actively hope her new bikini will trigger something! I'm not too keen on the conflictless way the fucking starts; I would make them wake her up, so she could get embarrassed about them staring at her topless breasts. Only the second time she sunbathes (in her new bikini) she can dream on. And she will (try to) tell them not to cum in her!
"An hour after vowing never to cheat on Alex with another man, she had found herself fucking two Mexicans." Sure, but the writing needs to remind her of this, and shame her into successfully resisting at least one other advance. (She's so proud of herself, and thinks she's defeated her shameful weakness, which makes her an easy target for the encounter after that.)
9. The Lifeguard: Luke can obviously recur in a way Mitch can't. Make her force him to wear a condom (at least the first time) to contrast the forceful Mitch's blackmail. More focus on her mix of shame and fear about him cumming in her womb. It's nice to give Nikki a victory in getting rid of Mitch, but that doesn't mean the nice Luke can't have other domineering colleagues that replace him...
At this stage of the story I'm really starting to miss any inner dialogue. I want her to try to better herself, by actively avoiding any more accidents. Perhaps the encounter with the garbage men can't proceed until she's in her third week (where she's clearly failed to shield herself against the landlord and/or others) After her encounter with the garbage men it's obvious she need to make an effort to restructure her life (and that the story is better off not just proceeding)
