Solid Snake

From Bluesockapedia

Solid Snake, also known as David Snake, or Old Snake or whatever fucking MGS game your playing is the bad-ass leader of the Army. Snake is NOT human, but was born in a test tube, as the 'ultimate soldier'. Obviously, someone forgot to add a pinch of salt to the mix, as he has no sense of humour.

Contents 1 Background 2 Army Career 3 Philosophy 4 Quotes

Background

Snake was born in a lab, owned by stoned lottery winners, who decided it might be "shits and giggles" to create a human, who was totally bad ass. Created from the genes of Big Boss, Snake was created in under 30 minutes, gas mark 6. Snake also had a brother, Liquid Snake, but was a rushed creation whose mix was placed in a microwave, and was burnt after 2 minutes. Snake was an outcast at school, hiding in boxes, snapping teachers necks, and hiding in lockers every time the fire alarm went off. He never cared for girls, and especially hated the boys who looked like girls. Snake left school with a degree in nuclear physics - which he gained by snapping necks as he knows nothing about nuclear shit - and a master in weaponry. Snake soon enlisted in military school, where he continued to punch, kick, snap necks, swing, dangle, flip, jump, bark, dive, hurl, shoot, and blow more shit up. He passed the school, and was immediately enlisted in the army.

Army Career

Snake was immediately sent out to deal with a big metal robot dinosaur on Shadow Moses Island - in the days of war, and George Bush. Snake bravely managed to beat and kill everyone, including some of the good guys and was given a medal and a free powersled. Snake was soon promoted to Major, and leader of the new army, when Terry Wogan was elected President of the new free world.

Philosophy

Snake believes nothing can happen on the battlefield. Several examples include:

• Love
• Hate
• Snooker
• Masturbation
• Childbirth

When questioned about war, he always begins every answer with "On the battlefield...". Snake is a girl believer in cigarettes, and thus, only smokes his own brand; Snake Bites. He also believes stealth is for pussies, and Raiden is a big stupid girl.

Quotes

• A name means nothing on a battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.
• Besides, some people just need killing, like Nogli, and My Chemical Romance.
• Liar! I know that Metal Gear is nothing but a nuclear-equipped walking death-mobile! But that's cool, I can take it on, mano-a-Dr. Roboto
• I never felt truly alive until I was kicking the shit into Mike.
• I caught a nice nap on this revolving bed of yours. Felt like the fucking 70s all over again!
  • Meryl: So tell me, Snake. What's your name? Your real name?
    Snake: A name means nothing on the battlfield.
    Meryl: How old are you?
    Snake: Old enough to know what death looks like.
    Meryl: Any family?
    Snake: No, but I was raised by many people.
    Meryl: Is there anyone you like?
    Snake: I've never been interested in anyone else's life...
    Meryl: So you are all alone. Just like Mantis said.
    Snake: Other people just complicate my life. I don't like to get involved.
    Meryl: You're a sad, lonely man.
    Snake: Yeah, but masturbation is awesome.