Mission 240: Black Stone Market

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Silence overshadowed the room as each member of Red, Blue, and That Other Guy Incorporated wordlessly stared in alternate directions, each trying to avoid eye contact with the others. Roy bit his lip, and slowly propped his legs onto the desk before him, folding his arms before his chest and then heaving a sigh. Finally, he glanced at Link, who was leaning against the wall with hands clasped together neatly near the hem of his suit jacket, and scowled. “Link,” Roy began, narrowing his eyes once his colleague had focused his attention, “you’re the one who always creates these awkward silences, aren’t you?”

Link hesitated and brought a worrisome finger to his chin before he managed to mutter, “Well, n-no, I don’t think so-”

“Look,” Roy huffed, sneering as he leant backward slightly in his folding chair, “I wasn’t expecting an answer, dude. It was one of those, uhh… whatchamacallit – rhetorical questions, yeah… kinda’ like ‘what would you do for a Klondike bar?’ ”

“That’s not a rhetorical question,” Marth sighed. He crossed his arms and then turned his head solemnly to glower at his dimwitted colleague. “Do you seriously lack knowledge of concepts such as what constitutes a rhetorical question?”

Roy paused. “You’re trying to trick me,” he snickered, holding up an index finger. “See? Wasn’t that a rhetorical question?”

“I’m expecting an answer,” Marth replied.

Roy blinked, then cocked an eyebrow in frustration. “So?” he retorted.

Marth again heaved a sigh. Link parted from the wall and sauntered cautiously toward Roy, whom merely raised his eyebrows at sight of the act. “Uhh, I don’t mean to rain on your parade, whatever that means,” Link began, “but, don’t you think it’s about time for somebody to call? We didn’t get a call yesterday, and before that, it was Jigglypuff, but, no offense, that kinda’ screwed you up.”

“Why?” Roy accused. “Do I still have marker on my face, or something? You told me I got it all off, and after only three hours!”

Link bit his lip and apprehensively began, “Well, yeah-”

“Just…” Roy interrupted, holding up an open-palmed hand in frustration, “shut up for awhile, please. I’ve got a bunch of stuff on my mind right now.”

“Like what?” Marth sneered, tightening his arms as they strained to remain crossed. “How stupid everyone else is, or how much bigger your ego could possibly be? This is the real world, Roy; Link and I aren’t stupid, and you’re not as great as you think you are.” He paused for a moment before he scoffed, “In fact, you’re a complete jerk. A jerk that needs to learn that other people have feelings, and that it’s ridiculously easy to hurt those feelings!”

Roy blinked, and Link formed a confused pout. “Umm,” Roy started, brining his hand to his chin and tapping an index finger to it, “what the hell was that all about?” He glanced at Link once, and then returned his focus toward his accuser. “Dude, if you need to get something off your chest, I suggest going to Bowser, since, you know, when he gets pissed and scorches you afterwards, you forget all about your problems. Instead, you get to focus on your third-degree burns.” He deviously smirked. “Wouldn’t that be fun, Marth? Gettin’ scorched by Bowser? Huh? Sounding pretty good, yeah? Go for it. …Please.”

Marth grimaced. “I just had to let you know,” he reported, narrowing his eyes slightly as he turned his head away. “I thought that maybe, just once, you’d care.”

“Well, I don’t,” Roy replied, smugly grinning to himself as he rose to his feet. “Sorry to burst your bubble, Marthy.”

Marth shivered as his posture drooped slightly. “God, I hate you…” he muttered.

“Well!” Roy chuckled, placing his hands upon his hips. “There’s one thing we have in common.”

Link began to tap the heel of his dress shoe against the floor as he waited. Roy turned to face his elfin colleague, smug grin still plastered upon his face, and snickered to himself, “You know, it’s times like this that make me forget all about my problems… if I can just focus on exploiting the problems of others, then I’m set.”

“It seems to me like that’s exactly what you’re doing,” Marth mumbled, neglecting to face his colleagues.

Roy’s smirk drooped into a frown, and his eyelids descended slightly with frustration. “Okay, Marth,” he began, heaving a sigh afterward, “you seriously need to lay off the attitude and just learn to deal with the stupidity. Can’t you be more like Link? He never complains about anything I do.”

“I’d rather not,” Marth uttered in response, finally turning around to confront his colleagues’ gazes.

Link frowned. “In any case,” Roy sighed, lightly running an index finger down the side of his face, “I think we can just go ahead and assume that somebody will call.” He crosses his arms, looking away momentarily, and then resumed his gaze toward Link. “Or, if nobody decides to call, what say you about headin’ down to the cocktail lounge?”

“I’m with you on that one!” Link cheered, clasping his hands together giddily. Marth shook his head in disappointment.

An awkward silence descended upon the room. As Roy cleared his throat, Marth began to direct his gaze amidst the ceiling panels unthinkingly. An abrupt sneezing noise erupted from the closet, and each of the swordsmen directed his vacant stare towards it. “What the hell?” Roy eventually sputtered, cringing his face slightly. “Marth, did you-”

Marth worriedly interjected, “If you’re going to say something about that hooker you asked me to get rid of-”

“You didn’t, did you?” Roy sneered.

Marth clenched his hands into fists and stared at his accuser with indignation. “No! I did! I was going to say that…”

Link bit his lip. “So, if you got rid of the hooker…” he began with a seemingly thoughtful expression, “then what’s in the closet?”

An exuberant smirk instantly appeared upon Roy’s lips, though Marth merely lifted a middle finger at the redhead. “Fine, then,” Roy murmured, crossing his arms.

Another uneasy snort and sniffle erupted through the door, and Link nervously clasped his hand over his mouth in worry. Marth took a cautious step towards the double doors of his closet, but the doors abruptly swung open and revealed a wheezing body which had fallen to the floorboards. “Falco?” Roy chimed, giddily smirking as he watched the bird rise to his feet. “Oh, man. I totally forgot about you.”

“Gee, thanks, you jerk,” Falco muttered, brushing his sleeves with long, blue feathers. He scowled as he turned his attention toward Marth, and then huffed, “Hey, can you at least do me a favor and clean out your closet once in awhile?”

Roy immediately snickered to himself and opened his mouth to reply, though he was interrupted by Marth’s furious retaliation: “Maybe you should clean it, Falco. That is your job, after all.”

Falco shrugged. “Hey, I’ll clean when I start getting paid.”

“Then get out of my closet and go somewhere else,” Marth sighed, lazily pointing rearward toward the open doorway, “because you and I both know that Roy’s not going to pay you.” He shook his head in disappointment. “I thought you would at least realize it – then I wouldn’t be the only reasonably intelligent person in this building.”

Link whimpered, “I’m reasonably intelligent…”

Roy, still grimacing at Marth’s previous comment, turned his head toward Link and accused, “No, you’re moderately intelligent. There’s a difference, moron.”

Link frowned. Falco smirked as he shrugged his shoulders, and then lightly brushed against Marth’s side as he began pacing toward the open doorway, announcing, “Well, I’ll just leave your guys alone, then. Maybe you should tell Roy to kick Link out before he goes ahead and slams the door behind me.”

Marth hurriedly grasped Falco’s arm, causing the bird to come to an abrupt halt. “What do you mean?” Marth questioned, narrowing his eyes.

Link bit his lip and raised his eyebrows with unease. “Should I leave?” he pondered.

Roy uncharacteristically considered Falco’s words for a moment before he irately spewed, “Don’t tell me… you heard what I said yesterday?”

Falco grinned deviously. “Every last word, Roy, my man.”

Roy’s eye twitched. “Link!” he cried, baring his teeth in a fashion of a growl. “Find me a turkey baster so I can finally put Falco in his place!”

“You told me to get rid of that,” Link nervously replied. “You said it brought back too many bad memor-”

“Shut up!” Roy shrieked, backhanding his colleague’s arm.

Marth glanced away, blinking several times as he attempted to hide his blushing cheeks. Falco cocked an eyebrow, and then apprehensively pronounced, “Well, I’ll be going now! …Please let me go?”

“You’re going straight to hell,” Roy began, clenching his teeth in fury, “as soon as I get done with you!” He pointed in irritation at the fidgeting bird, and eventually muttered, “You don’t even get to leave this room until you’ve cleaned it.”

“Okay,” Falco replied smugly, “then, I quit.”

Roy grimaced. “You can’t quit!” he accused. “I haven’t paid you yet!”

“So?” Falco responded, finally freeing himself from Marth’s grip.

“So…” Roy began unthinkingly, glancing away for a moment as he mentally fished for words. “Uhh, you won’t get a paycheck!”

Falco frowned, “Roy, I get paid three thousand a month. You get paid less than one.”

“That’s not my fault!” Roy retorted. “It’s Marth’s!”

Marth heaved a sigh. Falco merely shook his head and proceeded through the open doorway. Link tapped a finger to his chin as he thought aloud, “Shouldn’t Falco take his mop and stuff with him?”

“Yeah,” Roy mumbled. “Too bad I paid for them, so, technically they’re all my property.”

“Just like that lamp you stole from the Motel Six?” Marth questioned.

Roy shot an accusing glare at his colleague. “No,” he sighed, “because I actually had to pay for that, though that was after I stole it.”

Link hesitated before he inquired, “Roy, what do we do now?”

“What?” Roy sneered, folding his arms.

“I thought you were going to send Falco on a vacation,” Link replied innocently.

Roy blinked. “What?” he repeated, this time with greater austerity.

“You said Falco was going to hell,” the elf replied.

Marth slapped a hand to his forehead. Roy shook his head in disappointment. “Link,” the redhead began, “you… are a freaking retard.”

Link hesitated for a moment to blink. “Is that a good thing?” he questioned.

“Ye gods,” Roy whimpered, snorting afterwards. “Link, they haven’t yet made a bus short enough for you.”

“Roy!” Marth snapped. “How can you say something like that to Link? Sure, he may be dimwitted, and slow, and… all-around stupid…” As he trailed off in his sentence, Link crossed his arms as if he was expecting further elaboration.

“What else am I?” Link pondered, staring absent-mindedly at his fellow swordsman. “If you need help coming up with more synonyms for ‘stupid,’ I can find you a thesaurus, or something.”

Roy snickered to himself before he replied, lifting a precarious palm into the air, “No, not right now, but maybe in the near future. So, just keep that suggestion of yours in mind, Link.” Before Link had an opportunity to respond, Roy loudly clapped his hands together once and then rubbed them together devilishly, muttering, “I could have a lot of fun with a thesaurus, man. I am so looking up cinnamons for ‘annoying;’ then, I could finally outsmart Doctor Mario in his big word contest!”

“Synonyms,” Marth corrected, sighing.

“Whatever.”

At that moment, the telephone ringer pierced the disquiet room, forcing each of the swordsmen to focus his individual attention upon the object. Roy bounded for the telephone, shoving Marth aside in the process, and hurriedly answered, “Hell-freakin’-o! You’ve reached Red, Blue, and That Other Guy Incorporated! You’ve got a job, and we need one, so, uhh, how can we help you today, or whatever?”

After an awkward hesitation, the caller eventually perked, “…Pika?”

Roy blinked as he stared vacantly between the floorboards and his tennis shoe. “Oh, great,” he mumbled, sinking his chin into his available palm, “Luigi’s discovered heroin.”

“Pi!” came a vibrant shriek from the opposite end of the line. “Pi, pika!”

“I heard you the first time, you jerk!” Roy spat. “Look, I’m getting really sick of your prank calls, man, and I would really appreciate it if you stopped, ’cause if you don’t, I’m going to come to your room with some rope, tie you to a chair, and then throw you off a twelve story building!”

Marth shook his head in disappointment, while Link tapped a finger to his chin with interest, observing Roy with docile silence. Roy huffed, “Cat got your tongue, huh? Well, throw water on it and then say something!”

Marth crossed his arms. “Roy-”

“I’m on the phone, you inconsiderate fairy!” Roy snapped, snarling afterward. “Luigi!” he cried, redirecting his fury toward the caller. “You either need to stop prank calling me, or pay me, whichever comes first! I don’t care which one; just do it! Now!”

“Pika?” came a nervous whimper.

Roy narrowed his eyes. “Oh, you’ve done it now…” he muttered. “Alright, if you want to play that game, then, tell me, Luigi: is your refrigerator running?”

Marth grimaced and took a frustrated step toward his colleague, grasping a hold of the telephone with one hand before shoving Roy aside with the other, and gently began, “I’m terribly sorry. We were having some technical difficulties that have now been sorted out. Please continue.”

Roy scowled and clenched his hands into fists, spinning around furiously to face his intrusive, brash colleague. “You’ll regret that,” he threatened, pointing a callous finger at Marth, “but I’ll wait until you’re off the phone.”

“Pika,” the caller whispered.

Marth smiled to himself, causing Roy to gawk in confusion. “So, Pikachu,” Marth began, shooting an accusing glare in his colleague’s direction, “you must have a problem, though I can’t really tell what it is?”

“And why not?” Roy muttered under his breath.

“Pikachu, I honestly can’t understand a word you’re saying,” Marth nervously bleated into the telephone, “so, please, just give us a minute. We’ll be there momentarily, hopefully with Ness to translate for us.”

Roy’s eyes grew wide. “What the fu-”

“Goodbye,” Marth said, grinning, before he placed the telephone gently into its receiver. He corrected his posture, still smiling, until he witnessed Roy’s irate expression, causing his smirk to fade.

“What the hell was that?” Roy swore, pointing angrily at his colleague. “First of all, you don’t get to touch my phone! It’s mine! Second of all, I told you that we’re not going to have anything to do with Ness until he pays me!”

Marth shrugged and replied, “Who says he won’t pay you? All we have to do is let him know that he can come out of the toy box that you idiotically stuck him in.” He frowned and continued, “As you know, the C.I.A. was never after him, but all we have to do is tell him that they’re not after him anymore, and he should be relieved enough to come out peacefully.”

Link nodded and contributed, “So, I guess what Marth is saying is that Ness will want to help us after we supposedly helped him?”

Roy shifted his gaze between the expressions of his colleagues; Marth’s, smug; Link’s, cheerful. “Fine,” Roy sighed, “but, I still think you guys are both retarded.”

Link clasped his hands together with glee. “So, does that mean we’ll get to do another job?”

Marth blinked and turned his head slightly to peer at the elf. “Honestly, Link, it hasn’t even been that long since our last so-called job.” He heaved a sigh, glanced away, and continued, “You know, sometimes you worry me, Link. Tell me; is it just me, or do you seem to be progressively losing your intellect as time passes?”

“What?” Link asked, cocking his head to the side.

“Never mind,” Marth whispered. “You poor soul…”

Roy stepped toward the sympathetic swordsman and jabbed an index finger to his chest. “Look, buddy,” he began, sneering, “I don’t like you, and you don’t like me, but I’m going to say this once and I want you to freaking remember it, okay?” As Marth stared confusedly into Roy’s visage, the redhead redirected his index finger toward Link, muttering, “Don’t you dare fill his head with all that ‘big words and proper English is great’ malarkey.” He hesitated. “…Are great. See, though? It’s much cooler not to use proper English.”

“Why,” Marth frowned, “because you don’t?”

“Damn straight,” Roy responded, placing his hands confidently on his hips.

Marth shook his head. “I feel sorry for your past English teachers.”

Roy grimaced. “I feel sorry for your mom!”

“That’s not right!” Marth snapped. “She’s been in the hospital for three months!”

“I know,” Roy retorted, frowning. “That’s why I said I feel sorry, you jerk…”

Link bit his lip, meshed his hands so his fingers intertwined, and began to twiddle his thumbs as he waited. As he witnessed Marth and Roy continue to bicker between themselves, he glanced away for a moment and then, while returning his gaze toward his colleagues, interjected, “Guys, how do we know that Ness hasn’t starved to death in that toy box by now?”

Two sets of sapphire eyes grew wide as both of the previously fussing swordsmen halted in their pending insults. Marth brought an apprehensive hand to his lips, while Roy bit his lip and darted toward Link, gripping the elf’s shoulders in worry as he cried, “Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”

“I didn’t think of it until just now,” Link replied, smiling nervously. “I was having a nice daydream until my train of thought derailed.”

“Perhaps Ness is not dead,” Marth interjected, slowly lowering his hand. “It’s only been a few days. Besides, I’m sure he would have enough common sense to emerge from that toy box to provide himself with sustenance.”

Roy blinked. “…Right! Yeah, see?” he nervously chortled, cracking his knuckles with apprehension. “The little fathead isn’t dead. He’s, uhh… smart, or whatever, and… something about substances, yeah.”

Link nodded and then gleefully smirked. “So, are we going to go see him now?”

“Got no other choice, man,” Roy replied, cracking his knuckles once more before allowing his hands to descend to his sides. “Even if he owes me money,” he began, nodding, “he can help me make more money, I guess…?”

Marth shook his head. Roy scowled and spat, “See, this is why I don’t go along with your moronic ideas. They don’t make sense.”

“Maybe not to you,” Marth sneered.

“Whatever,” Roy said, rolling his eyes as he waved his hand lightly. After a moment of hesitation, he heaved a sigh and then dully pronounced, “To Ness’ room.”

“Yay!” Link cheered as he darted out of the room. Roy and Marth stood silently, watching without emotion as the door wavered slightly. “I remember where it is!” they heard a faint voice drift through the open doorway.

Roy sighed and proceeded through the doorway, jamming his hands haphazardly into his pockets, and looked away as Marth drew alongside him. “Remind me to buy a shock collar for him,” Roy muttered, neglecting to so much as look at his colleague.

“Duly noted,” Marth answered, “though I can’t say I agree with that method. He’s not a dog.”

Roy gave a half-laugh. “He might as well be,” he mumbled, scowling.

After a few more steps, Marth smiled to himself and announced, “Roy, this is the most time you’ve spent talking to me without throwing in an insult.”

“Don’t get used to it, Marthy,” Roy shot back, causing Marth to mope. Within moments, the remaining swordsmen had joined their colleague, whom was halted outside a nearby door staring at the plaque hanging loosely upon it. “Found the room, have you?” Roy questioned, cocking an eyebrow. “About time, Link! I’m going to start carrying around a stopwatch…”

“I think this is it,” Link replied, tapping a finger to his chin. “If it’s not, I’m sorry.”

Roy instantly retracted his hands from his pockets and shoved Link aside as he edged toward the door. “You’d better be,” he stated. Slowly he placed his hand upon the doorknob, and then immediately opened the door, swinging it with force enough to dent the wall, crying, “Ness, you little fathead! Are you dead yet?”

After a moment of awkward silence, a muffled whimper emanated from the western side of the room. Roy grinned to himself as he causally approached the lone toy box, followed reluctantly by his compatriots. Roy slowly lifted the lid of the toy box, and then gawked when he witnessed nothing but toys. “Appropriate, yet somehow wrong,” Marth observed.

“Shut up, you!” Roy spat. He hurriedly spun around, crossed his arms, and yelped into the vacant room, “Ness, what the hell? We told you to stay in the freakin’ toy box!”

Roy listened and scowled at hearing another unintelligible speech. Link hesitated for a moment, silently contemplating, and then approached the closet double doors, slowly opening one of them. “Ness!” Link cried happily. “Hey, I found you. Does that mean it’s my turn to hide now?”

Ness tardily made his way out of the closet and stood silently before the scowling Roy, staring up at the furious redhead with apprehension. “The toy box was really small, Roy,” he explained, extending his arms slightly, “and I was getting really cramped after about an hour.”

“I don’t really give a crap!” Roy yelled in irritation, relocating his hands to his hips. “I don’t get what’s wrong with all you people! Why the hell is everyone in the closet?”

Marth elbowed Roy in the side and whispered, “Come on, now, Roy! Isn’t there something you wanted to ask of Ness?”

Roy fidgeted. “But, I wasn’t done yelling at him…” he whimpered. When Marth merely gestured his head toward Ness, Roy heaved a sigh and muttered, “Alright, fine. Ness, you little punk, how’d you like to help us with our next job? I mean, you do kinda’ owe me, or whatever, for saving you from the evil wrath of the C.I.A., don’t you?”

Ness thought for a moment. “I guess so,” he replied, shrugging his shoulders. Then, he lazily fished through one of the pockets on his shorts, and casually lifted a twenty dollar bill, forcing Roy’s eyes to widen. “Here you go,” he declared heartily, offering the bill to the still bewildered Roy.

“Uhh?” Roy sputtered as he grasped the bill in his uninjured hand, gawking at it as one eye twitched inconstantly. “Ness?” he managed to choke out. As he stared down at the boy smiling giddily at his feet, his brow drooped to accompany his following question: “…That’s it?”

Ness hesitated. “What do you mean?” he asked. “I’m paying you what I owe! Thanks for saving me from the C.I.A., Roy; I really appreciate it.”

Roy blinked as he shifted his glowering expression toward the bill now clenched in his fist. “Ness, I…” he began through congested syllables, “I want more that twenty bucks.”

“Really?” Ness inquired. “Seems to me like you never specified a price.”

“I thought our minimum wage-type thing was two hundred bucks!” Roy roared at Marth. The blue-haired swordsman took a precarious step backward and merely shook his head. Roy scowled. “Well, what the fu-”

“Sorry, I don’t have two hundred bucks,” Ness interjected. “They won’t let me have that much on account of my being a minor. That twenty was my week’s allowance.” Ness forced a nervous smile as Roy began to grit his teeth. “Perhaps, though, I can help you out some other way?”

Roy displayed a brash, toothy grin as he snickered, “You can help by finding me some rope, so I can tie you to a chair and throw you off a twelve-”

Marth again elbowed Roy in the side, rolling his eyes in the process, and then offered a hand into the air as he explained, “Ness, I’m sure Roy is more than grateful for your twenty. Thank you. Now, for our issue at hand, however, we might need your assistance.”

“Assistance, huh?” Ness recurred. “How so?”

Link abruptly appeared behind the worrisome Ness, announcing, “You can help us translate for Pikachu, ’cause we don’t speak Pokémon.”

“How dare you!” Roy accused, offended. “I’ll have you know that I speak fluent Polish, and-”

“How about it?” Marth interrupted, raising his eyebrows as he awaited a response from Ness.

The boy considered the situation to himself silently, allowing himself a moment to shift his attention between Marth and Roy before him, and then turned around to glance once at Link. Finally, he nodded once to himself, and then agreed, “Alright, then, Marth. That seems like a good plan to me.”

Marth let out a regal chuckle. “I’m glad we have an accord, then, Ness,” he replied.

Roy blinked. “The hell’s an ‘accord?’ ”

Link shrugged, displaying an emotionless expression. Marth straightened his posture and adjusted the collar of his dress shirt, smiling down at Ness as he inquired, “Well, shall we head down to Pikachu’s room?”

“Do we even know what room that is?” Link asked.

Marth hesitated. “Shoot, I have no idea.”

Roy backhanded Marth’s arm. Marth cringed, and then instantly rubbed his sore arm with the opposite hand. “Ouch, Roy!” he whined. “What was that for?”

“General principles,” Roy replied, deadpan.

Ness raised an eyebrow. “I know where Pikachu’s room is,” he pronounced, lifting an index finger into the air. “We play backgammon every Saturday night.”

“Freak,” Roy said. Ness frowned, but merely remained silent as he observed Marth rolling his eyes. Roy huffed, “Well, then let’s get a move on, Mr. I Know Everything.”

Ness blinked, and then silently spun around and proceeded toward the open doorway. Roy grimaced and scrambled after him, crying, “Dude! You can’t just turn around and walk away from me! Look who you’re talking about! I’m too awesome to-”

Ness had tuned out Roy’s frustrated protests by the time he had stepped into the vacant hallway. Marth and Link pursued their colleague, whom was continually shaking his fist and forming death threats. Marth began to shake his head, drooping his head in disappointment as he ambled beside Link, and eventually raised his eyes to view Ness while whimpering, “Ness, I’m so sorry.”

“That’s okay,” Ness replied through Roy’s absent-minded death threats. “It’s not like this is the first time anyone’s threatened to throw me in a wheat thresher.”

“That’s a new one,” Link thought aloud.

As Ness halted before a doorway located three rooms down the hallway from his own room, Roy abruptly ceased his insults and threats, staring blankly at the plaque hanging upon the door before him. Marth and Link stopped at Roy’s respective sides and began to glance at one another in confusion. After an awkward moment of silence, Roy sputtered, “Well, psycho boy? Is this Pikachu’s room?”

“Yes,” Ness replied, “though I don’t know if he’s here or not.”

Roy growled and thundered, “Of course he’s here, you moron! That bastard recluse rat is too antisocial to leave his room for anything but food!”

“Look who’s talking,” Marth muttered under his breath.

Roy backhanded Marth’s arm once again, and then snarled, “Comin’ in!” as he abruptly swung the door open and darted inside the dimly lit room. He glanced around, his brow drooping in frustration as he scanned the room for any sign of his Pokémon client, and eventually sneered, “Pika-freaking-chu, if you’re in here, just know that when you come out, I’m either going to kill you or beg for money… whichever comes first.” As his colleagues and Ness casually sauntered into the room and halted, gathering around him in an unorganized fashion, Roy crossed his arms and began to tap his foot as he waited.

Finally, each of the humans began to stare in confusion as a Pokémon emerged from underneath its bed, its face reddened and its eyes squinting. “Pika,” it said.

“ ‘Sorry,’ ” Ness translated.

“What were you doing under your bed?” Marth questioned as he stared down at the worrisome Pikachu.

Pikachu seemed to shrug his shoulders. “Pika, pi. Pikachu, pika,” he replied.

Ness nodded and translated, “Pikachu said, ‘I was trying to find the monster under my bed. I still haven’t had much luck in finding him yet.’ ”

“You’re almost as crazy as… everyone else who lives here,” Roy muttered. “Anyway, Pikachu, my man, – err… rat – I guess Captain Pansy here determined that you needed help with something or another.” He tapped a finger to his wrist and continued, “But, see, you’ll have to make it snappy, since I’m going to go crazy if I don’t get a drink soon.”

“Pika?” Pikachu questioned.

“Pikachu wants to know what the heck you’re talking about,” Ness stated.

Roy rolled his eyes. “Alright, whatever… just, freaking, tell me what you wanted. I’m getting really sick of you Pokémon and your freaky languages and whatnot…”

“Pika,” Pikachu sighed, “pi, pika. Chu, pika.”

Ness tapped a finger to his chin. “Interesting… Pikachu says, ‘Well, here’s the problem: I want to evolve into Raichu, but Master Hand won’t let me.’ ”

Roy chortled to himself before stuttering, “D-Dude! Of course he won’t. Raichu is ugly. Nintendo gamers want cute, cuddly yellow rats like you, not fat, brownish-orange ones like Raichu.”

“Pi!” Pikachu protested, bounding forward and attaching himself to Roy’s leg. “Pikachu!”

Roy elevated his leg and nervously wavered it to and fro, squeamishly wailing, “Get off, you weirdo!”

“Pikachu said, ‘Oh, please, Roy!’ ” Ness explained, raising his eyebrows.

Roy’s expression cringed in disgust. “Well, I’m available Saturday night…”

Marth placed his hand on Roy’s shoulder and drew closer to him, sighing, “Roy, he’s pleading with you to help him evolve into Raichu.”

Roy blinked. “…Are you sure?”

“More than sure,” Marth sneered in his response.

“Alright, get off!” Roy shrieked, kicking his leg with enough force to hurl Pikachu off it. The Pokémon skidded down the floor and came to a slow stop near one leg of his desk. “Fine, we’ll freaking help you,” Roy muttered as he crossed his arms. “I don’t know how, but I guess we’ll figure out a way.” He paused to think for a moment, and then snickered to himself as he thought aloud, “Dude, we could use that tire pump again.” When he received awkward stares from the other four beings in the room, he anxiously added, “No, I mean, like… dude, think about it! You use the tire pump to make Pikachu all big and fat, and then we’d just need to get some orange paint, or something. It’s perfect.”

Marth scowled. “He’d still be the same Pokémon on the inside; you would just change the way he looks on the outside! There’s no difference!”

Link smiled and cheered, “It’ll be like plastic surgery!”

“Which we’re not qualified for,” Marth retorted. Link offered a vacant gaze toward his accuser.

“Who said anything about qualifications?” Roy replied, grimacing with discontent. “We don’t need any qualifications for that.”

Marth finally retracted his hand from Roy’s shoulder. “Roy,” he began, heaving a deep sigh, “it’s just not going to happen, plain and simple; I’m giving it to you straight.”

“No, you don’t.”

Ness blinked. “Err…?”

“Look,” Marth argued with austerity, “point is, that’s not going to work. I don’t even know how it worked for Mr. Game and Watch, but it most definitely will not work for Pikachu.” He hesitated to glance at the troubled Ness, and then returned his gaze to Roy, begging, “So, please, can we just skip all the shenanigans this time and see if there isn’t a more reliable and safe way to help out a client?”

During Roy’s subsequent silence, Link bit his lip and eventually inquired, “So, the tire pump is a bad idea?”

“And what’s your better idea, then, Marthy?” Roy sneered as he narrowed his eyes.

“Well,” Marth began with a smug grin developing, “we can always find a Thunder Stone to help Pikachu evolve immediately.”

Roy took a step back and stood frightened mere inches from Link. “What the hell is that and why would you know?” he accused, pointing a quivering finger toward his colleague.

“That’s not important,” Marth replied. “What is important is how we can go about acquiring one. That way, we can bring it back here and use it on Pikachu to help him evolve into Raichu.”

Pikachu darted towards the members of Red, Blue, and That Other Guy Incorporated, coming to a halt before them before he proceeded to hop into the air, heartily chiming, “Pika! Pikachu, pi! Pika!”

Ness cocked an eyebrow. “Pikachu says, ‘The Swiss harlot is right. That sounds like a great idea.’ ”

Marth frowned. “Swiss…?”

“So,” Link pondered aloud, “where can we find one of those Thunder Stone thingies?”

The room descended into a solemn, thoughtful silence, until Roy observed Ness beginning to twiddle his thumbs with fervent apprehension. “Hey, kid,” Roy began, leaning his form slightly to better gander at the frightened psychic, “do you know something you’re not telling me?”

“N-No,” Ness stuttered.

“Pika,” Pikachu noted.

Ness instantaneously retorted, “I am not!”

Roy’s expression cringed in disgust as he kicked his leg outward and forcefully nudged the child. “Out with it!” he commanded, forming a loose fist and shaking it furiously in the air.

Ness gulped and then whimpered, “W-Well, when I had been looking up instructions how to make bombs, I came across quite a few websites about the Black Market. Apparently, you can find almost anything there and get it for next to nothing.”

“Sounds like my kind of store!” Roy chortled, grinning to himself as he adjusted his suit jacket collar. “And, where can we find this ‘Black Market’ place?”

“Well, you see,” Ness began, biting his lip before he continued, “it’s not really a store, per se. It’s more like an underground network.”

Roy blinked. “A wha…?”

“Who has the item you’re looking for will probably not be in the place you’re expecting,” Ness added, lifting a knowledgeable index finger.

Link tilted his head to the side as he thought aloud, “But, Ness, where are we supposed to start looking?”

“Whoa, whoa!” Marth protested, swinging his arms outward from his sides. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this one.”

“You’ve got a bad feeling about everything,” Roy muttered. “When I tell you that I haven’t poisoned your coffee, I haven’t! Though, if it accidentally got into your mug instead of Luigi’s… then, I’m sorry, I guess.” He folded his arms. “Just try not to make a mess when you die, okay? Our janitor quit, and I sure as hell ain’t cleaning it up.”

Link grinned and obliquely agreed, “Maybe you should take one of those ‘chill pill’-things that Roy is always talking about.”

Roy narrowed his eyes at his elfin colleague. “I’m going to kill you one of these days, Link. I swear it.”

“Pika!” Pikachu suddenly cried, causing each of the human beings within the room to immediately stare at him. “Pika, pika! Chu! Pika, pi!”

Roy frowned and smugly raised his eyebrows at the Pokémon, and Ness announced, “Pikachu wants to know why we’re all standing around talking about Marth’s girly-problems. He says he heard something about the Black Market, and that sounds pretty good to him, apparently.” Ness hesitated as he witnessed Roy shift his weight from one leg to the other, and then continued, “He said he’ll give you fifty bucks to go get him a Thunder Stone from the Black Market.”

Roy deviously grinned, leaned toward Link, and whispered, “I could just run off with the fifty bucks, yeah?”

Link merely gazed back at Roy, displaying an eerie lack of emotion or conscious thought. “Umm…” he began, “okay?”

“I don’t think so,” Marth sneered, shaking his head in disappointment. “You know,” he muttered through a heavy sigh, “you shouldn’t whisper so loudly, Roy; your voice is deep enough for me to hear it.”

“I think Pikachu heard it, too,” Link reported as he pointed a nervous index finger toward the now fuming Pokémon.

Roy scowled. “Well, fine, you jerk,” he said. “Just cough up the fifty bucks, and you’ve got a deal. We’ll go get your freakin’ Thunder-whatchamacallit. Oh, and don’t worry too much – rest assured that Captain Pansy here will make sure I don’t run off with your cash… that asshole.”

Pikachu turned his head slightly, silently contemplating the decision, and eventually pronounced, “Pika.”

“Pikachu said, ‘Fine,’ ” Ness announced.

“Somehow, I think even I could’ve gotten that one,” Roy growled, causing Ness to emit a nervous chuckle. He somewhat reluctantly accepted the fifty dollar bill Pikachu offered him, and then folded the bill once, afterwards stuffing it into his suit jacket pocket. “Guess we’ll be back… whenever, Pikachu,” Roy exhaled. He caught a glimpse of Ness edging ever closer toward the Pokémon, and furiously roared, “Oh, no you don’t!” He swiftly rotated, snatched the front of Ness’ shirt, and cackled, “You’re coming with us!”

Ness wriggled in Roy’s grasp and finally halted his spasms, whining, “But, Roy, that wasn’t part of the deal!”

“Who said anything about a deal?” Roy retorted, elevating the boy further off the ground. “You’re coming with us because you’re the only one who would know where the heck we’re supposed to go!”

Ness’ eyes grew wide as he weakly protested, “N-Now, I didn’t really say anything about-”

“You said enough, you jerk!” Roy breathed through gritting teeth. “Now, come on.” He alternated his grip from Ness’ shirt to the boy’s backpack strap, and swung the fidgeting protestor over his shoulder as he corrected his posture. He ran his available, gauze-enwrapped hand through his hair and then smirked down at his Pokémon client, declaring, “Thanks again, or whatever, Pikachu, and we’ll be back later, I guess.”

“Pika,” Pikachu replied, gently waving his stubby arm to and fro.

Roy gestured his head toward the open doorway, and then proceeded through it once his colleagues had done so first. “Wow, this just might be easier than I thought,” he said, heartily smiling. As Ness began to struggle and emit peculiar sniveling noises, Roy jerked the boy’s backpack strap in his hand and spat, “Hey, knock it off! I don’t even know why you wear this backpack twenty-four seven, but I’m trying not to make judgments here.”

Link glanced over his shoulder as he lazily ambled and asked, “Ness, where are we headed?”

“I don’t know,” Ness growled in response. After Roy sharply jerked the backpack strap once more, Ness whined and then persisted, “Just… try downtown, or something. I don’t know.”

Marth rolled his eyes. “Really nice detail, Ness, thank you.”

“No problem,” Ness sarcastically responded. After a moment of silence, he sighed and continued, “Well, I guess if one of you can drive, you really can just head downtown. There’s bound to be some people there crazy enough to sell you a Thunder Stone for fifty dollars.”

“Maybe we can just go back to Walmart,” Link pondered.

Roy let out a half-laugh. “Yeah, right! I’m never going back there, man…”

Marth heaved a sigh before inquiring, “Then, what do you propose we do?”

“Downtown, the little psycho said,” Roy replied. “Stop kicking me, Ness, or I swear I will stick your head on a pike and then hurl it over the fence of the nearest orphanage.”

Ness ceased his spasms. Roy grinned to himself and then added with confidence, “Maybe somebody will have some helium, too, ’cause I’ll be needing my fix soon.”

“Right,” Marth said, looking away. “You might want to get over that little issue fairly quickly before you hurt yourself.”

Roy grimaced. “Since when do you care about how I hurt myself?”

Marth hesitated. “Are you serious?” he yelped, his voice overlapped with a strange tone of accusation. “Did your entire explanation to Link mean absolutely nothing?”

“I didn’t explain anything to Link,” Roy stated, his expression cringing slightly in confusion. “Marth, are you high or something?”

“No, I am not high!” Marth spat.

Roy mumbled, “You’d never be able to tell…”

Marth fell silent, and Roy grinned with a sense of smug accomplishment. Link halted at the end of the hallway, a worrisome finger attached to his lip, and drooped his brow as he sensed his colleagues stop alongside him. “What’s the matter?” Marth questioned, raising his eyebrows to Link. Upon receiving no response, he bit his lip before persisting, “Link? What’s wrong?”

“Something,” Link eventually began, narrowing his eyes as he attempted to strain the thoughts flowing through his subconscious, “something’s not right.”

“Really?” Roy asked. “Hmm, well, let’s see. I’ve already hit Marth several times, called him a jerk, and insulted him… did I skip the ‘Marthy’ thing?” Link shook his head, and Roy thought for a moment before continuing, “Oh! I probably haven’t threatened to take anything out of anybody’s paycheck.”

Link again shook his head; he bit his lip and strained, “Something… to do with Pikachu.” When his colleagues merely remained silent, he nodded to himself. “Yeah, Roy. Something tells me that something’s going to be up with Pikachu.”

“Feh,” Roy snickered in response. He proceeded past Link into the lobby, glancing over his shoulder periodically until he noticed his colleagues were following him, and then halted before the main entrance double doors, displaying a futilely frustrated expression. He blinked as Marth stopped beside him, and then grimaced, “Dude, aren’t you going to open the door for me? I still freakin’ shot myself in the hand, here; this hand is almost useless, you inconsiderate…” Roy trailed off, neglecting to conclude his insult, as Marth proceeded to open the left of the double doors and hold it for his injured and angered colleague. Roy hesitated for a moment, gazing with uncertainty at his fellow swordsman, and then muttered, “Don’t expect a ‘thank you,’ because you’re not going to get one.”

“I’ve come not to expect them,” Marth admitted, gesturing lightly with his available hand. He watched emotionlessly as Roy scoffed before heading through the open doorway onto the pathway, Ness fidgeting and squirming for the entire time. Once Link had reluctantly begun pursuing Roy, Marth followed, jamming his hands into his pockets as the door slowly swung to a close. “Link,” he began, blinking once when he received an acknowledging stare from the elf, “why are you so down in the dumps all of a sudden?”

“I’m not down in the dumps;” Link replied, “I’m outside the corporate building with you guys.” He smiled as Marth’s concerned expression faded into one of annoyance. “Actually,” he began once again, “I don’t know. Maybe it’s just that time of the month.”

Marth blinked. “Umm, Link? You know that that’s only for girls, don’t you?”

“Well, sure I do,” Link answered, “but I’ve heard so much about it…”

Marth winced. “Okay, time for a subject change…”

An outburst from their colleague ahead of them created a silence betwixt Link and Marth as they observed. “Knock it off, I said!” Roy shrieked. “Ness, you’re really pissing me off, now. Stop kicking me, or I’ll start kicking back!”

“I’m not kicking you!” Ness replied.

“Well, then get your smelly shoes away from my suit!” Roy shot back.

Ness scoffed, “Roy, I swear, I’m not doing anything…”

Roy wavered the boy via his grasp upon the backpack strap. “You know something, Ness? You never shut up, and you’re really freaking annoying. You’re just like the jerks I work with.” He laughed and persisted, “But, dude, there’s no way I would let you join my awesome company. Red, Blue, That Other Guy, and That Annoying Psycho Kid Incorporated sounds like it would be a traveling circus.”

“Seems to me that Red, Blue, and That Other Guy Incorporated sounds like a traveling circus, Roy.”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion,” Roy retorted with smug carelessness.

Marth sighed and ambled hastily alongside the somewhat dimwitted Link. Once they had pursued Roy to the parking lot, Marth halted and gawked, “Roy, you’re not serious, are you?” When his redheaded colleague spun around to shoot a death glare toward his accuser, Marth scowled and added, “I can’t believe you haven’t gotten rid of that thing yet. It’s dilapidated.”

“It runs, and that’s all we need,” Roy muttered in response, once again resuming his amble towards the 1963 Volkswagen bus parked haphazardly across two adjacent spaces. As Marth began to saunter towards his remaining colleagues, Roy snickered, “Besides, it’ll be another opportunity for me to drive this thing. It’s quite fun.”

Marth cocked an eyebrow. “What’s fun? Driving like a drunken accountant, or parking like one?”

Roy grimaced. “I don’t have to take that kind of crap from you!” he growled. “Link, remind me later to kick Marth’s ass.”

“Duly noted,” Link smirked. He giddily clapped his hands together once before proceeding to the sliding door and opening it, afterwards peering inside. “It still has those funky wires that probably shouldn’t be sticking out!” he cried with glee.

Marth shook his head. “That really scares me,” he confessed, though grimly. After a moment of hesitation, watching Roy lower Ness from his shoulder and toss the boy into the rear of the vehicle via the opened sliding door, Marth pleaded, “Roy, will you let me drive this time?” He bit his lip. “You… don’t have your license. I’m scared, honestly.”

Roy let out a menacing laugh. “Are you serious?” he sputtered, wiping a tear from his eye. “Dude, you should know by now that I don’t really care.”

Marth frowned, drooping his head to stare at the asphalt beneath his feet. “I thought you did.”

“Not this again,” Roy muttered. “Look, I’m driving, I’m going to find one of those thingy-mabobbers, and then I’m going to come back here, kick your ass, and go to bed.”

“You carelessness is striking,” Marth commented.

Roy pointed and huffed, “Yeah, well, so is that thing in your pants. Now get in the car.”

---

“Stop!”

The Volkswagen screeched across the road, skidding haphazardly upon the asphalt while leaving lengthy skid marks. As the bus came to a jerky halt, Marth threw his hand across his chest, breathing heavily and gasping, “Roy! You can’t drive! You need to start braking sooner!”

“I don’t even know where the hell I am!” Roy yelled. “Ness told me to go this way, and now we’re freaking lost!”

“Don’t blame it on me! You’re the one who took the left turn that wasn’t on the map!” Ness accused.

“But, guys,” Link whimpered, “there was a left turn there! I promise!”

Marth hastily reached into the back and snatched the unfolded map from Link’s grasp. He extended it further, clutching the sides nervously within his quivering fingers as he griped, “Link, you were holding the map upside-down!”

“Whoops,” Link giggled in response.

Roy fumed, “Yeah, ‘whoops!’ I’m going to kill you, too!” He hesitated, his irate expression easing slightly. “That is, as soon as I get out of this God-forsaken run-down place.”

“Maybe this is downtown,” Ness suggested. He carefully rose to his feet and made his way towards the side window, afterward peering thoughtfully out of it and scanning the sidewalks and adjacent buildings. The street itself was littered with garbage in its gutters, and the buildings each had its share of cracks and graffiti. “It’s as bad as that one website said it would be,” Ness continued. Suddenly, Roy tromped on the gas pedal, and Ness was thrown rearward with the force. Link had clasped onto Marth’s seat, and nervously he turned his head to witness Ness slammed against the rear doors.

Roy spun the wheel sharply, skidding the vehicle around a turn too short and causing it to collide with the curb, again forcing each of the persons inside to be tousled in the rebound. Ness groggily lifted himself from the floor of the vehicle, rubbing his head as he observed Marth verbally attacking Roy.

“It’s not my fault!” Roy sneered. “Somebody put that curb there! I swear it wasn’t there before!”

Link bit his lip as he slightly strengthened his grasp upon the sides of Marth’s seat. “Ness, are you okay?” he asked innocently.

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine…” Ness mumbled. “I was only thrown into these metal doors a couple times and possibly suffering from a concussion or two. I’m fine.”

“Roy, just… park right here, and we’ll wander around for a bit, or something,” Marth sighed, pointing a wavering index finger towards the vacant road as seen through the windshield. As Roy began to accelerate, Marth hurriedly screeched, “Turn your wheels first! You’re on the curb!”

“So?” Roy scowled. “I know what I’m doing-”

“No, you don’t,” Marth interjected, “and that’s why you shouldn’t be driving! Now, crank your wheel all the way that way, and-”

Roy stomped on the gas pedal and immediately released, causing the bus to lurch forward and ease into the wall of the nearby building. A cacophonic crunch and sound of breaking glass forced Marth to bite his lip with such frustration as to draw blood. “Roy…” he muttered, his eyes clenched to a close, “put it in reverse. Back up, and then ease yourself back onto the road.”

Roy chortled to himself. “That’s what she sai-”

“If you say that one more time, I’m going to go crazy,” Marth muttered as his eyes flashed open. He placed his hand slowly on the stick shift, eased it into the Reverse position, and continued, “Now, I want you to back up slowly.” Roy lightly pressed his foot against the gas pedal, and the vehicle edged tardily towards the street asphalt. “Good,” Marth breathed with a tinge of relief. “Now, just turn the wheel a little bit until the wheels are parallel with the curb, and you can just park like that.”

Roy pouted in frustration. “The hell’s ‘parallel?’ ”

Marth hung his head and crunched the map furiously in his hands. Link watched nervously as Roy began turning the wheel, still slowly adjusting the alignment of the bus with the curb. After the front right wheel had descended roughly from the curb to the street, Marth lifted his head, blinking with surprise. “Roy,” he started with newfound zeal, “you did it! All you have to do now is park!”

“I don’t need you to tell me that, you pompous know-it-all!” Roy spat as he snatched the shift stick and carelessly shoved it into the Park position. “Where’s that thingy?” he grumbled, tilting his head back and forth as he attempted to gain sight of the space around his feet. He randomly kicked, managed to hit the parking brake, and smirked confidently to himself as the vehicle drifted backward slightly and then came to a halt. “See?” he began with a chuckle. “I did wonderfully.”

“And to make sure nothing else could go more wonderfully…” Marth started. He reached towards the steering wheel, turned the key in the ignition until the vehicle turned off, and then removed the key from its position. Marth smiled to himself as he retracted the object and placed it securely into one of the pockets of his suit jacket. “Now,” he began with a relieved smile, “I think you’re doing wonderfully.”

Roy blinked. “Whatever,” he muttered. He rotated slightly in his seat as he unfastened his seatbelt, grimacing at the sight of Link apprehensively clutching Marth’s seat and Ness sprawled lazily upon the carpeted floor of the vehicle. “Hey, you jerks,” Roy sneered, “get up! We’re finally in this so-called ‘downtown’ place, or whatever. Remember? We’re supposed to be looking for a, uhh…”

“Thunder Stone?” Link interjected.

Roy pointed irately at his colleague. “Don’t finish my sentences!” he yelped.

Link glanced away, but remained silent. Marth frowned as he unfastened his seatbelt, and then slowly opened his passenger side door and stepped out of the chaotically parked Volkswagen, afterwards gently closing the door and stating, “This place is filthy.” He glanced around at the grime and graffiti-ridden walls of the brick-laden buildings, and then turned his head to witness Link casually emerge from the now open sliding door of the bus. Followed somewhat haphazardly by Ness, Link brought a nervous hand to his mouth and gazed worriedly in Marth’s direction. The swordsman merely approached his elfin colleague and assured him, “Don’t worry. I think Ness will help us at least a little bit.”

Ness raised his eyebrows as he stumbled onto the sidewalk. “Now, I didn’t say anything about that, you guys,” he informed the duo. “I only said that I heard about the Black Market. That doesn’t mean I know where it is.”

“Yes, it does!” Roy spat, suddenly making himself apparent as he emerged from behind the vehicle. “You’re going to help us whether you like it or not!” he added as he lazily shoved the sliding door to a close. “Now, tell me where the fudgemonkey we’re supposed to find a Thunder Brick, or whatever it was.”

“How should I know?” Ness questioned. “I’ve never even been here before!”

“Well, neither have I, but you don’t see me complaining!” Roy shot back.

Marth squinted as he gazed upwards, only to have his view of the once-blue sky veiled by a layer of smog and haze. “That’s rather unsettling,” he commented. Returning his attention toward his compatriots, Marth offered a peaceful palm outward as he suggested, “Perhaps we should try to find that ‘underground network’ Ness spoke of.”

Roy narrowed his eyes. “Lay off the crack, Marthy!” he spat, causing Marth to form fists and grimace. “Ness, this is all your fault!” he accused, lightly kicking the psychic boy with his right foot. He hesitated. A suspicious man walked past Roy on the sidewalk; dressed in a heavy trench coat and adorned with thick sunglasses, he shuffled his feet in a fashion of a quickly paced amble, hands jammed loosely into his trench coat pockets and hair concealed by a trucker hat. Roy stared with increasing interest, watching the man’s every move, until a whiny protest interrupted his concentration.

“Roy, I don’t think you should follow that guy,” Link declared. “He looks scary, and you should never get into a car with a stranger.”

“I see no car,” Roy growled. “What I do see is a dead elf-”

“He just might be the only lead we’ve got,” Ness concluded, nodding. “Even if he doesn’t have the Thunder Stone, maybe he can lead us to someone who does.”

Marth tilted his head to the side slightly. “Don’t you think you’re making one too many assumptions?” he inquired. “Perhaps he’s just wearing all those clothes because it’s cold.”

Roy blinked. “Marth,” he began, his eyes easing into a soft plead, “you… are the stupidest loser I have ever had the displeasure of working with.”

Marth threw his arms out from his sides and shrieked, “Fine, Roy! Do whatever you want! I won’t be part of this anymore!” He retired towards the Volkswagen and insisted, “I’ll just wait here for you morons to get back. Just know that Pikachu will be very disappointed in you guys if you come back empty-handed.”

“We won’t!” Roy grinned with newfound confidence. “It’s the principle of the matter now; I came all the way out here and have no idea where the hell I am, and by God, I’m going to get that Thunder Block!”

Marth scoffed, his voice tinged with sarcasm, “Of course you will. Run along now, children, and let me know how the weather is in Fantasy Land.”

“Partly cloudy,” Link answered.

Marth blinked once, and then merely turned around to take his seat inside the vehicle, afterwards slamming the door and slouching lazily in the seat. Ness lifted an index finger as he proposed, “I think I’ll stay here, too, and-”

Roy snatched Ness’ backpack strap and hauled the boy over his shoulder. “Hey!” Ness yelped in protest, though his objection faded into background noise as Roy and Link began making their way down the sidewalk in secretive pursuit of the suspicious stranger. Roy weaved in and out from behind toppled trash cans and entries into alleys, straining to keep Ness quiet in the process.

Link imitated his colleague, pursuing the man in a recklessly secretive fashion. “Dun, dun dun, dun dun dun…” he began to utter as he slipped in and out of alleyways.

“What are you doing?” Roy hoarsely whispered, glowering angrily at Link.

“The ‘Mission: Impossible’ theme,” Link explained.

“Knock it off!” Roy scowled. He swiftly outstretched his available hand, snatched Link’s tie, and mumbled, “We’re trying to follow this guy, not play secret agent! We can play that later.”

Link nodded once Roy released him. “Okay,” he replied. When each of the remaining swordsmen observed the man turn a corner into a alleyway behind a highly vandalized building, they glanced once at one another, nodded, and proceeded now carelessly after their target. They entered the alleyway; Roy, with a lack of reluctance; Link, with a hesitant sense of trepidation. Darkness began to encompass the surroundings as they further journeyed, until Roy gasped at the utter lack of illumination altogether. He tripped over a trash can, and the resulting crashing noise caused Link to cringe his expression with worry. “Roy,” he whimpered, “I can’t see.”

“Ouch,” Ness whined, having been in a collision with the collapsed trash can.

Roy blindly rose to his feet, stumbled over a cardboard box, and grunted as he resumed his path down the blackened alleyway. He heard Link smack a hand against the wall and whimper in pain, and then began to cautiously place each step upon the grim cement. Then, a small trace of light emanated from the end of the alleyway; Roy’s eyes grew wide, straining to follow the faint luminosity, and his feet began to quicken their pace as he stumbled down the alleyway towards the source of the light. The radiance grew brighter until he discovered a rather worn wall lamp hanging from the outside brick wall of the western building, surrounded by feverish moths. Roy scowled and redirected his attention towards the peculiar area before him. He smirked to himself as he caught sight of the stranger, whom had his back turned towards Roy and appeared to be working on something located upon a workbench placed parallel to the northern wall. Roy took a cautious step forward, straining to be as careful and silent as possible, until Link crashed into him, sending the duo to the ground with an uprising of dust.

The man hurriedly spun around, questioning, “Are you cops?”

“Maybe,” Roy laughed as he slowly raised himself to his feet. Once Link had groggily done the same, he released Ness’ backpack strap, and the boy fell with a loud plop onto the filthy cement below. “Hey, mister,” Roy began once again, offering a friendly hand, “we’re looking for something called the Black Market. You got any idea where it is?”

“I don’t know nothin’,” the man replied, sinking his face beneath the upright collar flaps of his trench coat.

“Pretty please with sugar on top?” Link pleaded, displaying the most innocent smile he could muster.

The man shook his head and further sunk his hands into his suit jacket pockets. “I said I don’t know anything,” he recurred, “so go away, will ya’?”

“Hey!” Roy cried with a sudden outburst of frustration. “Look here! I’m lost and hungry and in dire need of a drink, but I don’t get to go anywhere without a Thunder Rock because Marth – that jerk… – has my keys!”

The stranger hesitated. “Marth has your keys?” he repeated. “That’s unfortunate.”

Link wailed and threw out his arms, attaching himself to Roy as he cried, “That guy knows who we are! I’m scared, Roy! Help me! I’m too young to die so young!” Roy merely stared back in disgust at his colleague’s display.

Ness suddenly appeared between the two and pushed them apart before he began ambling towards the stranger. The man raised an arm midway and questioned, “What are you doing?”

With a swift, forceful tug at the man’s trench coat, sunglasses fell in the rebound and revealed a pair of yellowish eyes surrounded by dark skin. Roy blinked a few times, and then pointed as he laughed, “Ganondorf? What are you doing here?”

Link allowed himself a moment to absorb the sight, and then immediately narrowed his eyes as he muttered, “Ganondorf…”

“Oh, knock it off, Link,” Ganondorf said, reaching down to pick up his sunglasses. “You’re terrible at the dramatic confrontations.” Once he had returned to an upright position, he rolled his eyes and accused, “What are you doing here, Roy?”

“I asked you first,” Roy sneered.

Ganondorf sighed. “I’m involved in a crime syndicate which will not be named, and I’m trying to regain all the money that you fools cost me.”

“The mafia?” Ness asked.

“Shh,” Ganondorf shushed.

Roy chortled through his words as he thought aloud, “Dude, last time I checked, the mafia was for fat Italian people. You’re a fat… something-or-another, but not Italian.”

“You don’t know that,” Ganondorf huffed in response.

Roy placed his hands on his hips. “Oh?” he began, raising his eyebrows as a devious smirk began to develop across his lips. When he witnessed Ganondorf’s dimly-lit figure shift slightly, he lifted an index finger and pronounced, “Dude, you’re from a freakin’ desert or something, wasn’t it? That doesn’t sound like Italy.”

“Yeah,” Link agreed, nodding once before lifting his own index finger to imitate Roy’s confidence. “Italy probably has more water and stuff than Gerudo Valley.” Link frowned upon receiving an awkward glare from Roy. “I would know,” he hurriedly added, straightening his posture as his hand descended to his side once more. “I’ve been there once.”

Roy stared for another silent moment before he stated, “Remind me to kill you later.” He returned his glare to Ganondorf and again snickered, “So, Ganny, can you do me a favor, then?”

“Were you not listening to anything I said?” Ganondorf growled. “If anything, you should be helping me out!”

Roy crossed his arms, muttering, “How selfish of you. The world doesn’t revolve around you, you know. Besides, I ain’t got the time for your issues right now.” Ganondorf narrowed his eyes, and Roy proposed, “Hey, I’ve got a crazy idea. What if you help me with what I need, and then sometime in the future, I’ll help you with whatever stupid issue you have?”

“By ‘sometime in the future,’ you mean ‘never,’ correct?” Ganondorf accused.

Roy bit his lip and apprehensively leaned towards Link. “Crap, he’s catching on,” he whispered. He bit his lip worriedly until he conjured up an idea, and announced, “Ganondorf, my man, let’s make a trade! You get me a Thunder Brick, and I’ll give you this fifty dollar bill I totally just have out my own pocket and am not using it on someone’s request!”

Ganondorf cocked an eyebrow. “And what would a ‘Thunder Brick’ be?”

Ness made his way towards the pair of suit-clad swordsmen, halted silently by Roy’s side, and spun around swiftly as he stated, “He means a ‘Thunder Stone,’ Ganondorf.”

“Ah,” Ganondorf breathed. “I see. It’s my policy not to ask why you need it; however, I have to set a price up front-”

“Whoa, hold up,” Roy interrupted, forming a loose fist. “I thought you were part of the mafia.”

Ganondorf heaved a sigh. “I’ve got a couple jobs now, all thanks to you.” He turned his back to Roy for a moment, snatched an object off the workbench, and again faced the others. “I just got this the other day, as a matter of fact,” he declared, lifting the small stone in his palm to display it for Roy’s eager eyes. “See the little lightning bolt in the middle? I guess that means it’s a Thunder Stone.”

“Works for me,” Roy said, shrugging his shoulders. Carefully he approached Ganondorf and accepted the Thunder Stone into two open palms and stared into it almost emotionlessly, its faint golden glow emanating softly onto his visage. “Looks good;” Roy added, smirking as he grinned up at Ganondorf, “nicely done.” Roy shifted the Thunder Stone into one palm and slowly lifted the fifty dollar bill from his pocket with the other. He sniffed and whimpered, “Daddy will miss you, Junior!” Once Ganondorf had happily grasped the bill from Roy’s hand, the redhead nodded and solemnly uttered, “Yeah, thanks, or whatever.”

“Don’t mention it,” Ganondorf chuckled, waving off his client before disappearing behind another building through another back alley.

Roy tardily turned around, eyeing his colleague with distress as he cradled the Thunder Stone in his hands. “I paid fifty bucks for this thing,” he whined.

“It’s for Pikachu, remember?” Ness cried in frustration.

Roy blinked. “Oh yeah.”

Ness sighed, and Link clasped his hands together with glee. “Does that mean we can take it back to Pikachu now?” Link questioned heartily.

Roy merely glowered at the object cupped in his hands. After a moment of silence, he inquired, “Do you think I could’ve bargained a little bit more?”

“Yes,” Ness replied.

Roy scowled and harshly kicked his accuser, growling, “I don’t care what you think!”

Ness sniffled as he strained to bring himself to his feet. “But,” he began, wiping a short arm against his dirtied cheek, “you just asked if you-”

Roy grimaced. “It was a rhetorical question!”

---

“Roy, you need to brake!”

The Volkswagen skidded into the narrow right turn into the driveway of the Super Smash Brothers corporate building parking lot, and swerved frantically until coming to a jerky halt at the curbside of the main sidewalk. Inside the vehicle, Marth suspired incessantly, his eyes widened with riled shock and his hand clenched over his chest. “My… heart…” he managed to choke out between frightened gasps.

Roy scowled. “It wasn’t that bad.” He rotated himself halfway in his seat to witness his other passengers and frowned at the sight of Link worriedly clutching the handle above the sliding door entrance and Ness sprawled facedown upon the carpeted floor of the vehicle. He returned to his previous position and muttered, “You guys are just being overly dramatic.”

Marth pleaded, “Roy, just find a nice parking spot and park like a normal per-”

Roy stomped on the gas pedal, causing the Volkswagen to surge forward and Marth to grasp the seatbelt restraining him. Roy spun the wheel swiftly to the left to avoid a parked car, and then immediately swung it the opposite direction, cranking it as far as possible, until the vehicle angled itself against the curb, scraping the Mercedes on the opposite side until coming to an abrupt halt when it collided with the curb and bounced backward slightly. Marth’s eye twitched as he cranked his head to the side to observe Roy, whom kept his foot on the brake pedal, but seemed confused as to what else was in order. Marth grasped the shift stick hurriedly, relocating it into the Park position, and then cried, “Please, hit the parking brake so I can get out and go find my heart medication!”

“Oh, right,” Roy began, “I meant to tell you sooner, but gave those to Donkey Kong awhile ago. I thought they were placebos.” Marth’s expression faded into one of utter queasiness. Roy scowled and continued, “Look, D.K. wouldn’t shut up! He needed those things more than you, anyway.”

After Roy had kicked around with his left foot and managed to hit the parking brake, Marth instantly twisted the keys and yanked them out of the ignition, breathing a somewhat flustered sigh of relief. Link released the handle above the side door and then slid the door open hastily, bounding out afterwards and taking refuge safely upon the nearby sidewalk. Followed immediately by Ness, Link clasped his hands together and twiddled his thumbs nervously, awaiting the emergence of his remaining colleagues.

Marth hurriedly swung the passenger side door open and stumbled out onto quivering feet, afterwards slamming the door to a close and staggering onto the sidewalk to join the others. Roy grimaced as he exited the vehicle, slammed the door, and approached the others, pointing a precarious finger at them as if to silently condemn them all for their dramatic, troublesome ways. Marth gulped and raised his eyebrows, clasping his hands together as he pleaded, “Roy, let’s just give the Thunder Stone to Pikachu and be over with it, please. I’ve had too many scares for one day.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t think you’ve had enough,” Roy sneered in response. “I still haven’t kicked your butt today.”

Marth weakly smiled in an attempt to wordlessly sway Roy away from argument and towards finally accomplishing the job asked of him. Upon receiving no response from any of the others, Roy muttered under his breath as he proceeded past them, following the sidewalk towards the main entrance of the building. Link breathed a sigh of relief, accompanied by the reassured Marth and Ness as he began to pursue his colleague. Roy ambled slightly hunched forward, frustrated.

At the main entrance double doors, Roy swiftly swung the left open and without a care proceeded into the lobby, neglecting to so much as glance back at his colleagues or Ness. Marth, reopening the door for his compatriots, began to display a worrisome expression as he watched Roy’s figure disappear beyond the corner of the hallway leading to the dormitory.

As Marth and Link each began to experience newfound concern while following their distressed colleague, Ness ambled carelessly, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his shorts as he glanced from door to door. Roy halted before the door he thought to have remembered as Pikachu’s, and then finally turned his head to observe the others do the same. Before Marth had an opportunity to inquire, Roy turned away and abruptly swung the door open, causing it to collide with the wall and deepen the dent previously placed in the spot.

“Oi, Pikachu!” Roy yelped, his voice tinged with a peculiar tone of anticipation. He scanned the room, grinned when Pikachu leapt down from his desk chair, and then lifted a palm as he continued, “I’ve got your thingy-mabobber-whatchamacallit!”

Once the remaining three had entered the room, Pikachu focused his intent attention on Roy, staring up at the intimidating redhead with a slight tilt in his neck. “Pika,” he finally announced. “Pika, pika, chu!”

“Pikachu said, ‘What took you so long?’ ” Ness translated.

Roy clenched his hands into fists and snapped, “Well, excuse me for taking the wrong freeway and causing twelve accidents! It was really frickin’ hard crossing that median to go back the other way, you jerk! At least be a little grateful!”

“Pika,” Pikachu responded, merely shrugging.

“Pikachu said, ‘Whatever,’ ” Ness concluded.

Roy bore a snarling grin as he sputtered, “I’ll ‘whatever’ you straight into next we-”

“Pika, pi?” Pikachu interrupted.

Ness smiled. “Pikachu wants to know if you got the Thunder Stone.”

Roy’s aggressively devilish grin faded into a content smirk. “Why, of course I did,” he answered, reaching into his suit jacket pocket. “It’s here somewhere,” he muttered, “ah!” He lifted the Thunder Stone from his pocket and cupped it in his uninjured hand, leaning towards his Pokémon client to display its faint self-luminosity. “Well?” he said, raising his eyebrows to accompany his growing smirk. “Here you go. Now pay me.”

With stubby arms, Pikachu grasped accepted Roy’s offer and held onto the Thunder Stone. He set it down at his side, turned back to Roy, and declared, “Pika, pi! Chu!”

“Pikachu said, ‘Hey, thanks! I’m going to evolve a little later,’ ” Ness announced.

Roy blinked. “….Right. Well, whatever works for you, I guess. Now pay me.”

Pikachu seemed uninterested. “Pika, pi. Pika, chu. Pikachu.”

As Roy stared in utter confusion, Ness bit his lip before apprehensively pronounced, “Pikachu said, ‘Sorry, Roy, but I don’t owe you a dime. You can consider this your payment for all those desks I built for you.’ ”

Roy vacantly stared for a moment, his expression devoid of thought or emotion. Marth’s eyes widened as he worriedly watched Roy, and Link clasped his hand over his mouth as shock overcame his face. Ness slowly edged towards Marth and Link and stood behind the taller men, biting his lip as the unvoiced tension began to rise.

Roy eventually threw out his arms, shrieking a roar of, “You rat son of a-!” He emitted a war cry before leaping at Pikachu, whom detected the anxiety and swiftly dodged the maneuver, leaving Roy to collapse onto the floorboards with his arms sprawled out from his sides. He strained in vain to snatch at the Pokémon while lying upon the floor, and bore his teeth to Pikachu as he let out another irate cry. Roy managed to raise himself to his knees before he made another attempt at grabbing Pikachu, again collapsing onto the floor as the agile Pokémon swiftly dodged the attack. This time, Roy remained sprawled upon the floorboards, breathing heavily, fists clenched with fury. Pikachu tilted his head to the side as he viewed the pathetic sight.

“I… am tired… of you bastards… not giving me my money,” Roy choked out between riled gasps. He silently breathed for a few moments until he gained enough composure to continue, “I swear I would’ve killed you sooner if I had the chance!” Slowly he pushed against the floorboards, easing himself to a makeshift sitting position in which his hands were strewn about at his side and his calves were carelessly cast athwart from his thighs.

“You look like a wounded animal, Roy,” Marth said, though with compassion. “Please, just stop trying to fight it. Pikachu’s right, you know.”

Roy’s eyes widened. “He’s right?” he recurred with austerity. He grunted as he rose to his feet, and then threw a wounded hand over its opposite arm. “You’re agreeing with that rat jerkbag?”

Marth’s expression was encompassed by pure sympathy. “Roy, don’t hurt yourself anymore. You even said you wanted to just come back here and go to bed.”

Roy lowered his head, menacingly glowering at his colleague. “Yeah, you’re right,” he agreed, smiling deviously. “That was, after I kicked your ass!”

He separated his hand from his arm and darted for Marth, cackling maniacally as he outstretched his arms in anticipation of grasping the swordsman’s neck. Marth took a step to the right and easily dodged Roy’s pathetic attack, forcing Link and Ness aside in the process. Roy staggered to a halt, relocating his arms to his sides as he formed quivering fists, and slowly rocked back and forth on unsteady feet, whimpering, “Oh, come on! I just want to kill someone!” He spun around, raising his triumphant fists, and let out a cry of, “Is that too much to ask?”

“You’ve already killed two people,” Link informed him.

Roy wavered on his own feet, frowning in a mixture of disgust and budding apprehension. He glared at Pikachu, whom was standing by his lonesome not too far from Ness, and descended to his knees, mewling, “Why does life suck so much? Somebody needs to buy me a couple razorblades!”

The remaining beings in the room began to stare at Roy as he lifted his hands to his face, sniveling and whimpering. As Marth descended to one knee and placed a consoling hand upon Roy’s shoulder, Ness turned to Pikachu and happily asked, “Well, are you up for a game of backgammon?”