Mission 231: Close Encounters of the Dating Kind

From Accct Wiki

“What in the world is that?” Roy cried, pointing nervously at his colleague.

Marth scowled as he strained to drag the feeble object through the doorway. “It’s your new desk,” he answered irritably. Marth continued pulling on the desk until it was in the room, and then shoved it carefully towards the east wall. Once it was in its designated location, he stood up straight and frowned at Roy. “Pikachu bids you good luck with this one, I assume,” he added.

Roy perked up an eyebrow. “How can you assume that?” he asked.

Marth shrugged as he shot a furious expression towards his questioner. “How am I supposed to understand a yellow rat that can only speak in terms of ‘Pika,’ ‘Pi,’ and ‘Chu?’ ”

“Find a way, or else you aren’t going to be in charge of my desk management anymore,” Roy answered as he lifted the telephone up from the remaining splintery rubble from the previous desk.

Marth pouted and folded his arms. “Big loss,” he muttered. “You know, I had quite the stable life before I agreed to work in this stupid game you call a company.”

“What, you mean working at Taco Bell?” Roy questioned, setting the all-important telephone down upon his new desk.

Marth frowned and uncrossed his arms to let them fall back down to his sides. “I still made more money there than I have here,” he replied. “We haven’t made a dime since we started.”

Roy held up his index finer. “Yes, but that’s what we have the U.O.I.s for!” he responded, smirking heartily.

“You do realize that no one is going to consider a ‘U.O.I.’ that was scribbled on a piece of ripped notebook paper a legitimate financial document, don’t you?” Marth questioned.

Roy shook his head and then frowned. “Stop using such big words and get back to your job!” he shouted, pointing somewhere towards the west wall. After a few moments of silence, he looked up at his colleague and explained, “By the way, this whole discussion is coming out of your paycheck.”

“By now I must have no money left on it, anyway,” Marth sneered.

“No, actually, you owe me about fifteen bucks,” Roy replied. After Marth shot an irate expression in his direction, Roy grinned and slightly turned the telephone a few degrees to the left. “There,” he said triumphantly, placing his hands on his hips, “now it’s perfect.”

Marth sighed and looked away, and then something struck him as odd. “Say,” he began, glaring back at Roy, “where’s Link?”

Roy suddenly perked up and scowled. “Now that you mention it, he’s been gone for awhile,” he obliquely agreed. “You know what? Remind me to take that out of his paycheck for making me spend unnecessary time with you.”

“This isn’t exactly a picnic for me, either,” Marth retorted. Then, he narrowed his eyes and stared at Roy questioningly. “I’ll bet you don’t even know how to use a calculator for these ‘paychecks’ you keep ranting about.”

“I most certainly do know how to use a calculator!” Roy shot back, eyeing his accuser angrily. “But that’s just sick to use one in the presence of my subordinate.”

Marth hesitated. “What?” he asked, holding his arms out in confusion.

“I suggest you stop talking, Marth,” Roy said slowly. He stood up straight and gave a half-grin. “You’re being very raunchy today, aren’t you?”

Marth’s eyes grew wide as he apprehensively inquired, “Roy, what in the world do you think a calculator i-”

“I’m back!” a voice interrupted. Link ambled through the open doorway holding up three hidden outfits by the hangers. “Here you go,” he continued, offering the hangers to Roy.

The recipient almost reluctantly accepted the offer and then stared at Link. “What are these?” he asked. “Tell me you didn’t spend money on them…” He slowly lifted up the plastic covers surrounding each garment, and then hesitated. “Black?” he accused. “Since when do I wear black?”

Link glared back at him innocently. “Not since the last mandatory funeral,” he answered with a frown, and then persisted, “but, I went ahead and bought each one of us a ‘spiffy suit’ to wear! Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Depends on where the money came from,” Roy answered suspiciously.

Link paused and blinked. “It was my money,” he confirmed.

Roy nodded with a grin. “Good, good,” he replied, separating one suit from the other two and handing it back to Link. Then, he shot a glare at Marth from across the room and crossly asked, “Well, aren’t you going to come get your possibly wrong-sized suit?”

Marth only scowled. “Now, wait just a second,” he pouted, taking a few preliminary steps towards Roy before continuing, “if I were to have done something like that, then you would’ve said something like, ‘Marth, you moron! That’s coming out of your paycheck because I’m an egotistical loser!’ ”

“No, actually I would’ve said, ‘Marth, you moron! That’s coming out of your paycheck because I’m an egotistical loser with authority!’ ” Roy corrected. “You always forget that part, don’t you?” Roy took one of the remaining suits in his right hand and tossed the other one at Marth, whom only caught in and grasped it within his hands furiously. “Now, put it on before I can think of any other degrading things to say to you.”

Marth scowled and began to unfasten his belt. “Marth!” Roy shouted frantically. “What are you doing? Don’t undress in front of me! What’s wrong with you?”

Link turned to face Roy and displayed a bewildered expression. “A lot of things,” he said before Marth could conjure up a retaliation.

Marth pointed an angry finger at his colleague. “Don’t you start in on that, too…” Roy shrugged, and Link only stared back at him blankly. “Lest the insult contest begins.”

Roy suddenly laid his suit down on his nearby desk and stood rigidly, eyeing Marth with the most serious expression he could possibly bear. “Do not start that contest, my friend,” Roy warned. “You will not win.”

Then, the telephone abruptly rang through the argument, forcing each of the members of Red, Blue, and That Other Guy Incorporated to halt in their impending insults. Roy immediately lifted the telephone out of its receiver and answered, still aggravated, “Dude, you’ve reached Red, Blue, and That Other Guy Incorporated! You’ve got a job, and we need one! How may we freakin’ help you today?”

There was a hesitation from the caller. Roy blinked as he tried to calm himself down, and then timidly added, “Sorry, sir…” After a few more moments of silence, Roy persisted, “Sir? Was it the word ‘freakin’ that offended you?”

“No, that’s quite alright,” the caller replied. “Roy, it’s Ganondorf calling. I have a problem that I need your guys’ help with.”

Roy raised his eyebrows and grinned. “I see,” he said smugly. “Well, Ganny, I think you’ve called the right place for your low-bid workmanship.”

“Good,” Ganondorf replied, “because I don’t plan on paying you very much.”

“No problem there,” Roy insisted. “Any amount of money is good here.”

Marth buckled his belt once more and ambled over to Link. “Mostly since he hasn’t managed to gain a single dollar yet,” he muttered.

Link shook his head. “I thought we were doing pretty well,” he responded, frowning.

“So,” Roy began, tracing his finger along the edge of his latest desk, “tell me what the problem is…”

Marth seemed confused and hurriedly asked, “Aren’t you going to backhand me and tell me to turn the music on so you can be interrupted in your speech about what kind of stupid stuff we ‘specialize’ in?”

Roy clasped his hand over the bottom portion of the telephone and glared at Marth. “No, I’m going to skip it today. I trust you don’t have a problem with that…” He removed his hand and continued, “Ganondorf, I can’t help you with your possibly urgent issue unless you tell me what it is.”

“Right,” Ganondorf responded. “So, give me a second to think about whether or not I really want you people helping me.”

An awkward silence followed, and Roy began to scowl. He eyed Marth’s smug grin and then cried, “Ganondorf, you’ve made your decision. Now, tell me what your problem is!”

“I’ve made my decision!” Ganondorf replied. “Alright, then. Roy, my issue is rather personal, but I think that you can help me, since you’re pretty much a ladies’ man.”

“I like where this is going,” Roy said, smirking.

“This is why I need your help,” Ganondorf said. “I’m kind of embarrassed, but I have a big date tonight, and-”

“What?” Roy shouted, trying his hardest to refrain from laughing. “Ganondorf with a big date?”

Marth and Link instantly glanced at each other and began to snicker and chortle to themselves.

“What’s that noise in the background, there?” Ganondorf wondered aloud, sounding particularly nervous.

“It’s nothing,” Roy reassured him, grinning as a slight laugh overlapped his voice. “And, uhh… what exactly is it you need help with for this, heh heh… ‘big date?’ ”

Ganondorf paused. “Well, I guess I need you guys to help me get ready, and teach me the fundamentals so I won’t screw up.”

Roy grinned and snickered to himself. “Right on!” he shouted, then slammed the telephone back into its receiver.

Marth halted his laugh sequence and looked at the telephone. “Why… why do you always do that?” he pondered.

“Your mom!” Roy shouted, his expression suddenly turning serious.

Marth raised his eyebrow and then glanced at Link. “Who says I wouldn’t win an insult contest?”

Roy held his fisted hand up slightly in the air and then recovered his smirk. “Alright, then,” he began, laughing slightly, “we’re going to help Ganondorf with his date, I guess.”

Link immediately stopped laughing. “Wait, Ganondorf?” he recurred thoughtlessly.

Roy shook his head. “Does it matter who it is?” he asked. “He’s going to pay us money this time; that’s all that matters.”

“I’m not sure this is a good idea,” Marth said once he had stopped laughing as well. “You’re going to screw it up somehow, aren’t you?”

“How many times must I tell you?” Roy questioned. “That’s your job.” He paused to think for a moment, then added, “Although, it would be rather fun to take it from you and screw things up for myself…”

At that moment, the telephone rang once again. “What the…?” Roy wondered aloud as he turned around and lifted up the telephone. “Hello?” he asked, confusedly forgetting the motto.

“Uhh, yeah. I think you hung up on me,” the caller replied after a slight hesitation. “I was just wondering if you knew where my room was.”

“Of course I do!” Roy shouted confidently, and then slammed the telephone back into its receiver. “Geez,” he began, scoffing, “people shouldn’t call back after I’ve already hung up on them once. How rude.”

Link was still clutching the suit within his hands. “What about the suits?” he abruptly asked. “Don’t you want to wear them? You said yourself that suits would make us look important.”

Roy shrugged, then held his hand out triumphantly. “Can it wait until next time?” he asked. “There’s no time left.”

“How so?” Marth accusingly questioned. “We wouldn’t be standing around babbling randomly if there was no time left.”

“You’re right, Marth,” Roy answered, eyeing him contently. His expression instantaneously changed to one of anger as he spat, “Which is why you need to stop your random babbling and get out!”

Marth sighed and tossed his suit at Roy before he turned away. After Roy scrambled to catch the suit above his own ensemble, Marth sneered at his colleague and then proceeded to walk out of the room through the open doorway. Link turned to face Roy, and then slowly took a few steps towards him, set his suit on top of the pile that Roy was carrying, and grinned as he said, “I think Marth’s just having a bad day.”

Roy turned to the side slightly and released the pile of suits onto his desk. “He’s just upset because he’s on his period.”

Link took a moment to blink confusedly, and then forced a smile. “Well, I think we’d better get going, right?”

Roy ran a hand across his forehead and then nodded at Link. “Sure, whatever,” he answered.

As Roy began to amble out of the room, Link hurriedly followed and then began to walk alongside his colleague. “Say,” Link began, grinning, “you don’t seem to be as gung-ho today for some reason.”

“It’s hard to be gung-ho when you’ve got a bad case of-”

“Oh, look!” Link interrupted, pointing towards the end of the hallway, where Marth was standing facing them with his arms folded. “Marth’s doing his impression of you.”

Roy frowned. “I wasn’t aware that he had an impression of me,” he muttered.

“Oh yeah,” Link assured him, gesturing his hand. “You should see his impression of you when you’re sleeping, too.” Link began to chortle to himself. “That one’s an instant classic.”

Roy grimaced and finally stopped in front of Marth. “What’s your problem?” he questioned furiously, pointing an angry finger at the swordsman.

Marth only shook his head, and then frowned as Roy strolled past him, followed happily by Link. Marth watched as Link and Roy continued to the end of the hallway, and then look around confusedly, Roy muttering, “Where’s Ganondorf’s room, anyway?”

“You guys are idiots,” Marth grumbled as he strolled casually towards them. He held up a map of the building and handed it to Roy. “You should’ve kept the directory that they gave us when we first got here.”

“Nonsense,” Roy answered. “I do not keep things meant for simpletons.” He opened up the directory and scanned over it a few times.

Marth shrugged. “Maybe you should, being the simpleton you are.”

Roy looked up from the map and then tossed it backwards over his shoulder. “You know what? Normally I would say, ‘That’s coming out of your paycheck,’ but I’m just not in the mood to deal with you right now.” He strolled past Marth and then opened the nearest door on his left. Before he walked inside, he glanced at his colleagues and urged, “Come on, let’s get a move on! I’m talking to you guys; the pants-less elf-boy and the prepubescent bonnie lass.”

Link glanced at Marth. “I think he means us,” he whispered.

Marth only scowled as he followed Roy through the doorway. Once Link pursued, he stood wide-eyed at their client. “Ganondorf…” he muttered irritably, suddenly narrowing his eyes.

Ganondorf, already clad in an expensive suit, held his hands up in the air slightly. “Link, let us put our differences aside for one day,” he pleaded. “After all, I’m paying you guys to help me with this.”

Link looked away for a moment as he thought, then returned his focus to Ganondorf and nodded. Roy looked around their client’s room and frowned. Then, he swung the chair out from underneath its designated desk and took a seat on it. “So,” Roy began, eyeing Ganondorf with confusion, “what exactly is it that you need help with?”

Ganondorf seemed embarrassed. “This is the first date I’ve been on in my entire life,” he admitted, clenching his hand into a fist and holding it threateningly close to Roy’s face. “That’s why I’ve recruited you guys to help me make it go right.”

Roy smirked and stood up, ignoring Ganondorf’s fist. “Well,” he started, holding his arms up smugly, “the first rule of going on a date is to make sure that she’s got money to pay for dinner.”

“No, it isn’t!” Marth interjected, pointing an accusing finger at Roy. His expression faded into one of ease as he turned to face Ganondorf with a reassuring smile. “You pay for dinner,” he insisted. “Make your date feel special, too. Bring her some flowers, and tell her that she looks great, even if she doesn’t.” Marth hesitated for a moment to glance at Link as his colleague scribbled down notes onto a sheet of paper, then continued, “Be sure at the end of the date to tell her that you had a great time, and you would want to see her again some other time.”

“No, don’t do that,” Roy interrupted. “Ditch her; she’s probably not good enough for…” He trailed off for a moment, then continued, “Never mind, you should take what you can get. No offense, Ganny.”

Ganondorf tapped his chin with his finger as he thought. “I don’t know, you guys,” he said. “It seems like there should be more to it than that.”

“Third date,” Roy answered.

Marth shook his head. “Don’t listen to that egotist,” he sneered. “Try not to eat too fast, and-”

“Like he really needs to hear all of this stuff,” Link interrupted. He turned to face Ganondorf, and then smiled as he added, “What he really needs is an expensive cologne!” Link lifted out a strangely-shapen bottle of cologne from his traditional video game hero storage… thing.

“Expensive cologne, eh?” Ganondorf asked, grinning slightly. He grabbed the bottle from Link’s hands and then sprayed a little bit on himself.

Roy coughed and held his hands over his nose. “Dude, that smells like pocket protector!” He watched with a frown as Ganondorf handed the bottle back to Link, and then continued, “Don’t tell me you use that regularly, Link.”

“Only because Mewtwo recommended it to me,” Link replied.

Marth coughed. “I don’t think that was an act of good will,” he said.

“You’re all just jealous,” Link said, frowning.

“I’m not jealous of someone who smells like a stagnant antiseptic,” Roy replied, removing his hands from his face and eyeing his colleague suspiciously.

Ganondorf scowled. “Darn it, Link,” he scoffed. “Now what do I do?”

“It’s fine, trust me,” Link assured him. “There’s nothing the ladies love more than a horrible cologne.”

Ganondorf shrugged, and Marth only cocked an eyebrow in Link’s direction. Interrupting the awkward silence that followed, Roy stepped into Ganondorf’s line of sight and placed his hands behind his back. “I think Captain Pansy here has told you the ‘fundamentals,’ or whatever you want to call them, of dating,” Roy began, gesturing gawkily towards Marth, “so, I think we can send you off on your way.”

“That’s it?” Ganondorf questioned confusedly. “That’s all you guys are going to tell me?”

“Well, I could tell you more, but that would spoil my plans - err… something or another,” Roy blundered. He blinked and smiled nervously as Ganondorf viciously stared down at him, then added, “I mean, it’ll cost extra.”

Ganondorf shook his head, then solemnly nodded. “Fine,” he mumbled. “What did you have in mind?”

---

“Do you have any idea how much trouble we can get in doing this?” Marth spat as he sharply elbowed Roy in the side.

Roy fidgeted and struggled to hold the radar-like device and parabolic microphone in his hands. “No, I don’t, and I, quite frankly, don’t give a flying sheep.”

Link glanced around as he knelt beside his colleagues. The trio was kneeling behind a row of bushes alongside the outside wall of the fanciest restaurant in town, peering inside through an outsized window at Ganondorf’s situation as their client sat at a table with his blonde date. Roy pointed the parabolic microphone through the window at Ganondorf and then shoved the speaker at Link. Link somewhat reluctantly accepted the speaker, and then asked nervously, “What do you want me to do with this?”

“Hold it, idiot,” Roy answered in frustration. He pulled out a headset with a microphone and set it into place, and then smirked.

Marth hesitated. “Roy, what did you say you were going to do with this radar dish?”

“I told Ganny that I would monitor his conversation with this, and I talk to him through this microphone, since he’s got a little earpiece to hear me,” Roy answered. “This way, I can tell him what to say, and the dame will never know.”

Marth took a moment to think. “When you magically ‘pull’ stuff out of places, where does it all come from?”

“I have deep pockets,” Roy answered. “Very deep pockets.”

Link stared down at the speaker. “Where is the electricity for all this stuff coming from?” he asked.

“Don’t ask questions,” Roy replied. He held the parabolic microphone up farther against the window and peered only slightly over the bushes. “I think it’s about time to get this started,” he said, grinning as he flicked a switch on the right side of his headset. “Tell her that she looks pretty,” he said.

Inside the restaurant, Ganondorf listened to the static voice coming from the earpiece. “You look very pretty tonight,” he said.

The blonde girl smiled. “Thank you,” she replied, adjusting herself in her chair. “You know, I was almost reluctant to go on this date with you.”

Ganondorf paused. Roy listened to the conversation from his headset and only said, “Just take that as a compliment and laugh.”

Ganondorf forced a laugh. “Good,” Roy said. “Now, ask her how her day was.”

“How was your day?” Ganondorf inquired, gesturing across the table towards his date.

“Oh, my day,” the girl began with a small chuckle. “Well, it was alright. First, I got a call from my friend and she wanted to go somewhere, but I didn’t really feel like it. And she calls before breakfast, even! The nerve of some people… Anyway, then I had a bowl of cereal, and then I did my make-up-”

Roy shook his head. “Oh man, I’m sorry, Ganondorf,” he began, “but she’s gone off into a ramble; code forty-four. Just smile and nod, and then when she finally shuts up, say, ‘Oh wow, that is very interesting. When the hell is my dinner going to get here?’ ”

Ganondorf patiently waited, smiling and nodding, as the woman finished her rant. “Oh wow, that is very interesting,” he began confidently. “When the hell is my dinner going to get here?”

“What?” she questioned, her expression suddenly fading into one of anger. “Do you not enjoy talking with me?”

Link gawked and turned to face Roy. Roy stuttered, “Uhh… just tell her that she doesn’t have anything interesting to say, so you’d rather go jump off a cliff than listen to her babble.”

“Don’t tell him to say that!” Marth shouted, abruptly grabbing a hold of the parabolic microphone as he tried to shake it out of Roy’s grasp.

“Stop it, Marth!” Roy shouted, backhanding Marth with his free hand. “How am I supposed to hear the conversation when you’re fighting with me?”

Inside the restaurant, Ganondorf instinctively stated everything he was hearing through his earpiece. “Stop it, or I’m going to kick your butt from here to Hong Kong,” he began. “He needs to tell the dumb broad stupid mushy things for no reason. I heard you the first time, Mr. Jerkwad. Guys, I think he can hear you. Oww, that’s my leg.”

The blonde woman only stared at him furiously from across the table. “What’s wrong with you?” she questioned.

Roy regained control of the parabolic microphone and then placed his recovered headset into place once more. With a sharp sigh, he continued, “Uhh… I don’t know what happened just now, so tell her that maybe she should skip the dinner, since she’s looking kinda’ fat.” Marth elbowed his colleague’s side. “…Oww.”

Ganondorf paused as he listened to Roy’s advice, and then said, “Maybe you should skip dinner, since you’re looking kind of fat.” He hesitated once more as the blonde stared irately at him, and then added, “Oww.”

The woman immediately stood up from the table and swiftly grabbed her purse. Roy flinched for a moment, then said, “Start saying, ‘No, don’t go! I’m sorry!’ ”

Ganondorf rose to his feet and held his arms out. “No, don’t go! I’m sorry!” he shouted as he trailed behind the woman, whom was now heading towards the front double doors.

Roy was the next to stand up. He stared down at his still kneeling colleagues and ordered, “Grab the stuff; we’ve got to get to the front door!” Link and Marth hurriedly picked up the random electronic devices and followed Roy as the self-indulgent swordsman ran around the side of the building towards the main entrance. The members of Red, Blue, and That Other Guy Incorporated halted behind a brigade of columns as they witnessed the blonde woman stroll angrily past them towards an awaiting taxi.

“Zelda?” Link gasped, his right eye twitching in agony.

Ganondorf bolted through the main entrance double doors and slowed to a halt in front of the building. Roy was the first to approach Ganondorf, followed cautiously by Marth and then Link, whom was in a rage.

“You’ve got some explaining to do, you…!” Link shouted as Marth strained to hold back the furious elf.

Roy shook his head and turned to face Ganondorf as the shouts of profanity reigned in the background of his speech, “Well, Ganny, I suppose now is not a good time to ask to get paid?”