Mission 228: Black Masks of Fur
From Accct Wiki
Roy held up his broken video recorder and scowled at it. “This stupid thing breaks when I spent all that money on it,” he muttered, narrowing his eyes. “But at least we could get the disk out of it for Captain Falcon with only a few scratches on it.”
“The thing was in shambles,” Marth replied, staring angrily at Roy from across the room. “I told you this was a bad idea. He obviously wasn’t going to fall for that, you realize.”
Roy frowned at Marth at first, but then smirked and vaguely tilted his head to the side. “It was your idea, remember?” he asked. “So, if Captain Falcon shows up with a big can of whoopass, I’ll refer him to you, as my faithful subordinate.”
Marth rolled his eyes. A sharp noise from the door slamming into the wall forced him to immediately glance in the given direction. He frowned as Link entered the room in a similar fashion as the previous door-slamming incident. “Hey!” Marth cried. “You’re putting a dent in my wall! Quit doing that!” He scowled and shut the door behind Link.
Link only raised his eyebrows and held up the newspaper he had been carrying. Before he could say anything, Roy interrupted with, “Wait! Let me sit at my desk!” Roy then bolted for the plywood desk and sat on the folding chair behind it. He cleared his throat, looked up at Link with a deadpan expression, and held out his hand as he asked, “Well, what is it that you have brought for us?”
“It’s today’s paper,” Link answered, handing the newspaper to his colleague. “Check out the article on the front page!”
Roy held up the newspaper and reached for a nearby pair of sunglasses to read the suggested article. Marth took a few steps towards the esteemed Roy and eyed him as his “boss” placed the sunglasses. “What are those for?” he questioned.
“My reading glasses,” Roy replied as seriously as possible. “It’s an important people thing; you wouldn’t understand.”
Marth grimaced as Roy unfolded the newspaper to read it. “It’s says, ‘Slow News Day: Local Man Thanks Small Company for Retrieving Freakish Disk, Admitted to Mental Institution.’ ” Roy glowered at his colleagues and then rose from his seat. He slowly removed the sunglasses and then eyed Link and Marth with temperance. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I think we’ve hit the big time.”
“Already?” Marth questioned, almost indignantly.
Link was ecstatic. “Sweet!” he cried. “Does this mean we can get one of those palm tree lamps?”
“No,” Roy answered.
“How about some spackle?” Marth asked, pointing to the numerous holes in his room’s walls.
“Definitely not,” Roy replied. “Think of the holes as decoration. Decoration which… erm…”
As Roy trailed off in his sentence, Link blinked and then interjected, “Which may have punctured some pipes?”
Roy pointed a finger at Link and narrowed his eyes at him. “Do not finish my ramblings for me unless I give you permission.”
Link frowned as he solemnly gazed at Roy. Marth leant over and whispered to him, “Power-trip…”
A sharp knocking noise abruptly pierced through the door. Marth was the first one to look in that direction and then slowly opened the door. “Peach?” he said. “What do you want?”
Peach seemed embarrassed. “I read about your little escapade in the paper, and now I need your help with something.” She glanced at Roy and added, “Not that you morons were my first choice.”
“We prefer ‘odd job-performing pathetic losers.’ ” Roy stood up perfectly straight, placed his hands behind his back, and strolled over to the doorway. “I’m sorry, Peach, but you have to call in to schedule an appointment.”
“Why?” she questioned, grimacing. “My room is right next door!”
“Regulations,” Roy answered, sneering back at her.
“Screw you!” she spat. “Are you going to help me or not? I’m willing to pay you guys and all that stuff, too!”
Roy furiously replied, “Just go back to your room and call! Do it!”
Peach muttered incomprehensibly under her breath and turned around before she proceeded to return to her room. Link glanced at Roy and thought aloud, “She didn’t have to go back to her room just to call the next one over.”
“Yes, she did,” Roy replied. “I didn’t buy this telephone to have it sit here and collect dust.” He thought for a moment, then continued, “I initially bought it for-”
“If you say ‘phone sex,’ I’m going to kill you,” Marth interjected. “Not in my room, you’re not. Besides, you didn’t buy that phone! That’s my phone that you annexed to this stupid company!”
Roy hesitated. He opened his mouth to reply, but then shut it and decided against a retaliation. Link turned to face Marth, and finally Roy conjured up a response. “I did buy a telephone, though… where did it go?”
At that moment, the existing telephone began to ring. Roy immediately lifted it out of its receiver and answered, “Hello, you’ve reached Red, Blue, and That Other Guy Incorporated. You’ve got a job, and we need one. How may we help you today?”
An awkward silence followed. Roy listened carefully for any response from the caller, but all he could hear was silence. Finally, Roy smirked when he heard a faint mumble of, “Why am I doing this? …Hello?”
“Roy,” Marth suddenly began, “did you memorize that stupid answering phrase?”
“Yes, and shut up,” Roy responded after placing his hand over the hearing portion of the telephone.
“Excuse me?” Peach asked.
Roy shifted his attention back to the telephone conversation. “Sorry,” he started, but then trailed off. During the silence that followed, his eyes shifted between Link and Marth, and he sighed with aggravation. “Man, this is all out of order,” he stated, sighing. “Marth, start the music.”
Marth frowned and strolled towards the small stereo, where he pressed a button that started the tape player. When strange yodeling music began to play, Roy spun around and eyed Marth with ferocity. Link instantaneously hit the Stop button and whispered, “You need to turn the tape over.”
Roy turned away from his fumbling colleagues while leaning over his flimsy desk. As random crashing noises and curse words reigned in the background, Roy nervously continued, “We specialize in all sorts of-”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Peach interrupted. “Listen, my problem is urgent; that’s why I need you guys to get over here as quickly as possible.”
Roy raised his eyebrows and asked, “What’s the job you’ve got for us, then?”
“I need you to clean my room,” Peach answered.
Roy paused and blinked during the silence that followed. “That’s it?” he wondered aloud.
“Yeah,” Peach replied. “But, can you guys hurry up and get over here? I’ll pay you when you’re done.”
“Surely,” Roy said, grinning at the thought of cash in his pocket.
“Great,” Peach added. “Then you guys can get to work, since you know where my room is.” There was another thunderous crashing noise in the background, and she hesitated before she continued, “I’m going to leave, then. I’ll find you guys later and pay you, alright?”
Roy blurted out, “You got it!” and slammed the telephone into the receiver. He stood up straight and boldly turned around to confront his colleagues. Marth and Link were taking turns trying to stuff the tape into the stereo slot and pressing random buttons. “Gentlemen,” Roy began, but ceased his statement as he witnessed the two continue to argue. He placed a finger on his chin as he thought, and then rephrased himself, “Idiots!”
Both members of Red, Blue, and That Other Guy Incorporated turned around to face the insulter, Marth looking exceptionally irate and Link’s expression remaining peculiarly moderate. “What?” Marth finally shouted.
“We’ve got another job to do,” Roy declared, placing both hands behind his back. “So, I suggest that both of you quit standing around like morons and follow me.” With that, he proceeded to walk towards the doorway and then into the hallway. He halted and noticed his colleagues were not following him; they both remained in Marth’s room and continued their quarrel. Roy bolted for the doorway, where he stood and angrily yelled, “You’ll come with me, or you don’t get paid!”
Marth stared back at him. “You weren’t paying us to begin with!”
Link scowled and eyed Marth. “Yes, he was!” he protested.
“How would you know?” Marth retorted. “Have you received any form of cash from this cheapskate? Those bets on the dog shows don’t count!”
Roy’s focus shifted away from the argument and settled upon Peach as she walked past him in the hallway, muttering, “I see you have your own problems to deal with first. Good luck, Mr. Red Face.”
“It’s the hair that’s red!” Roy yelled behind her. Finally, he sneered back into Marth’s room and then conjured up an idea. “Marth, I’ll give you back your tiara if you help me with this, and Link, I promise to stop using your hat as a windsock if you help me with the job.”
Link instantly rushed towards the doorway and then halted beside Roy in the hallway. He stared at Marth with an enthusiastic smirk. “Come on!” he stated, overly cheery. “I’m not having mood swings! Let’s go!”
Marth frowned and then sighed as he strolled past his colleagues into the hallway. Roy smirked and then opened the door to Peach’s room. Link entered after Roy and flicked the light switch into the On position. “Boy, is that getting old fast,” he muttered. Marth trailed after the others and glanced around their client’s room.
Aside from a few books strewn upon the floor and the curtain that had collapsed from the wall, the room was relatively clean. The bed was sorted and decorated with a few stuffed animals, and Peach’s desk and computer were uncluttered. No clothes were hanging out of the dresser drawers, and the closet was orderly.
Roy lifted up the few books from the floor and slid them underneath Peach’s bed, then lifted up the satin curtain that had fallen. He held it at waist level and then turned to Marth. “Go get a stapler,” he ordered. Marth sighed and headed to Peach’s desk, opened one of the drawers, and lifted out a stapler. He handed it to Roy, who in turn held the satin curtain upwards and stapled it into the wallpaper beside the window.
Link had stood silently looking around the whole time. Roy then tossed the stapler back to Marth, who placed it into its designated desk drawer and shut it afterwards. “Another job well done,” Roy said, rubbing his hands together. “Now all we have to do is go find Money! Err, I mean… ‘Peach.’ ”
Suddenly, a small figure darted across the floor from one side of the room and into the closet through the crevice formed from the open right door and the doorframe. “What was that?” Link cried in confusion. Roy stood looking around the floor, perplexed. Another creature abruptly darted from underneath the bed towards the desk, where it sat and stared at the members of Red, Blue, and That Other Guy Incorporated.
“It’s a raccoon,” Link said, looking confused as the creature leapt down from the desk and scampered. Then, another raccoon darted out from the closet and scurried hurriedly across the open floor space.
“Eep!” Marth squealed as he jumped onto the desk chair. “Get those things away!”
A third raccoon leapt out from underneath the sheets of Peach’s bed. Roy reached for the lamp sitting upon the nearby end table and tossed it at the collection of raccoons that was gathered on the floor, causing the lamp’s base to break into countless shards.
Link looked up at Roy with anxiety. “Did Peach say anything about this?” he asked as he speedily picked up a nearby novel and threw it against the floor in the direction of a scampering raccoon.
Marth held his hands up near his face in worry like a schoolgirl. Roy shook his head and answered Link’s question, “No, she didn’t say anything about her room being infested with raccoons!”
Link bit his lip and prepared for a daring maneuver. As one of the raccoons attempted to scurry past him, he leapt onto the ground and pinned the animal to the floor as he clutched it tightly within his hands. The raccoon soon rolled over in Link’s grasp and scratched the aggressor across his nose.
Link released the raccoon as he brought one hand up to his injury. “Oww! Dude! That little fuzzball scratched me!”
“Don’t get too close,” Marth said worriedly. “It might have rabies!”
“By God, you’re right!” Roy cried. “Do you have any more of that vaccine?”
Marth frowned as his eyes traveled across the floor to pursue the movements of the raccoons. “No!” he retorted. “You know I only needed that for that one-week period… after that, I got rid of it.”
Roy took a moment to glare at Marth. “Remind me when we get back to the office to get that can of whoopass from Captain Falcon for you.”
Link became enraged and pulled out a bomb from his traditional video game hero storage… thing. He began to cackle menacingly as Marth and Roy alternately shouted at him, “No, don’t do it!”
---
Peach returned to her room almost four hours later. She cautiously opened the door and gasped when she witnessed Roy struggling to maintain his restraining grasp of a raccoon while Link and Marth held the nearby window open. Roy tossed the raccoon out of the window and his colleagues subsequently slammed the window to a close. After wiping his forehead with his hand, Roy breathed a sigh of relief and turned to his friends. “Well,” he said, “that’s the last of them.”
Peach noticed that everything in her room was black and charred, including the members of Red, Blue, and That Other Guy Incorporated, from the previous bomb explosion. The stuffed animals that were previously placed atop of her bed were now decapitated with smoldering stuffing protruding from the bodies. Her bed was in shambles, and her desk was dilapidated. “W-What did you guys do here?” Peach cried, taking a few wary steps into her room.
Link and Marth turned to face their client. Roy placed his hands on his hips and grinned at her. “We’re done with the job, Peach,” he said. “We’ll take our payment now, if you don’t mind. Will it be cash or cash?”
Peach’s jaw quivered as she looked around her devastated room. “You didn’t do the job!” she finally shouted.
“Excuse me, but I believe we did,” Roy insisted, glaring at her with a smug grin. “We have rid your room of the raccoon infestation. We also did you a favor and rearranged your dresser contents into categories of ‘panties’ and ‘non-important things.’ ”
Peach eyed him indignantly. “I told you guys to clean my room!” she exclaimed.
Roy rolled his eyes. “Look, we did the job. Can we please just get paid now?”
Peach shook her head furiously. “I’m not paying you guys a dime until this room is clean! Do it again!”
