Episode 386: D'oh! The Not so Evil Syndicate
From Accct Wiki
In his secret base, the evil villain Glowface was complaining to his assistant, Lorenzo Suave.
“I can’t believe it Lorenzo!” he said angrily “I heard that some of the other villains joined together to form some kind of syndicate! And they didn’t even ask me to join. Me, the great and evil Glowface!”
“Perhaps your invitation was lost in the mail sir?” Lorenzo suggested.
“No, I know what’s going on. Those jerks are trying to stick it to me” Glowface replied “they think they’re better than me, do they? Well I’ll show them! I’ll form my own syndicate and it’ll be ten times better than theirs, you’ll see!”
“And just how do you plan to do that sir?”
“Um…I haven’t decided yet. But when I do, people better watch out!”
So Glowface sent out the word that he was forming a new Evil Syndicate for conquest of various worlds. Several villains arrived to help him. Of course, since the best ones were already in the prime Syndicate, he had to work with what he had.
“Welcome my colleagues of evil” Glowface said “I thought we could go around the table and introduce ourselves, you know, so we can get to know each other better. You go first skinny.”
A tall man with a peg leg and a camouflage outfit stood up. “The name’s Kip O’Donnell, am I’m a notorious poacher.”
“Are you sure you’re a real villain? I’ve never heard of you” Glowface said.
“Yes, I’ve caused lots of trouble for those nature loving Thornberrys” Kip explained.
“Oh right, those guys” Glowface replied “are you positive, cause I don’t remember ever seeing…”
“Trust me, I haven’t been around much, but I am what I claim” Kip replied.
“Whatever” Glowface said “okay, the walking potato is next.”
“My name is Skrawl, and I’m tired of people comparing me to a common spud” the chalky villain said.
“Well you do look like one” Glowface replied “what happened to you anyway? Were you drawn by a retarded kid?”
“I’d rather not talk about it” Skrawl replied.
“If I looked like you, I’d feel the same way” Glowface replied “okay, and finally, the last guy.”
“Name’s Cliff, and I’m looking forward to pounding some Nick losers.”
“If by ‘pound’ you mean ‘conquer and destroy’ then we’ll be doing a lot of pounding” Glowface replied.
“Really? No punching or nothing?”
“We’re more of a ‘use high-tech devices’ kind of syndicate” Glowface explained.
“Okay. You got any high-tech devices that are good at pounding?”
“I’ll have to get back to you on that” Glowface replied “Okay, our first order of business is to come up with a name for ourselves. One that will strike fear in our enemies, but also looks good on stationary. Oh, and we can’t use the word ‘syndicate’ because apparently, some uncool villains have trademarked it.”
“How about ‘Villains United’” Skrawl suggested.
“Sounds good for a comic book, but not for us” Glowface replied.
“How about ‘the Evil Enclave?’” Kip asked.
“Not bad. Any other suggestions?”
“I got one.”
“It can’t have the words ‘pound’ or ‘CatDog’ in it anywhere” Glowface explained.
“Then I withdraw my suggestion” Cliff replied sadly.
“Then if nobody else has any good ideas, we’ll use mine” Glowface said “from now on we’re ‘the Super United Cool Kickbutt Squad’ Any objections?”
“I don’t mean to complain, but isn’t the name a little long?” Kip asked.
“So we’ll use the acronym” Glowface added.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea” Skrawl replied.
“Look, I’m the leader here, so I choose the team name and I say whether or not we use an acronym!” Glowface replied “now that we’ve taken care of that, it’s time to concoct our evil scheme for world conquest. But first, appetizers!”
Lorenzo came out with a tray of food and set it down for the villains to eat.
“Here you are gentlemen, and I use the term loosely” he replied “a number of culinary delights sure to wow your taste buds.”
“Are those pizza bagels?” Cliff asked.
“Sadly, yes” Lorenzo replied.
After a snack of pizza bagels, finger sandwiches, and buffalo wings, the villains got back to planning their evil scheme.
“I’m thinking we build a weather machine, and then we can conquer the various worlds by subjecting them to horrible weather conditions” Glowface said.
“A wonderful idea” Kip said “let’s get started.”
“Okay. Any of you know how to build a weather machine?” Glowface asked.
“If you don’t know how to build one, why did you suggest it?” Kip asked.
“At least I’m offering suggestions instead of pointing out problems!” Glowface yelled.
“Since the Syndicate has an army of robots, I’ve been working hard on our own evil robot army” Glowface said to his associates as the walked through the base “prepare to be amazed by our elite warriors!”
He opened the door to the room where the robots were being produced.
Standing there were a large group of robots, similar in design and color to the Syndicate’s troops.
“Pretty impressive huh?” Glowface bragged “and each of these babies is a high quality piece of machinery.”
He gently tapped one, which promptly fell apart.
“Heh heh, must have been a defect” he explained nervously “but the rest of these are totally solid.”
He tapped the next one in line, which tipped over and crashed into the one next to it. Soon the entire line fell over as though it were a big stack of dominoes.
“I’d like to see the Syndicate’s robots do that” Glowface said proudly
“Okay, now we make our presence known by filming a video we will send to all other alternate universes” Glowface explained “as soon as I figure out how to do that.”
A video camera was set up on a tripod in the main room, and Glowface and the others got in front of it.
“Ready?” he asked “OK then. Attention all of you, we the members of S.U.C.K.S, have come with a message of doom and…hey, why didn’t any of you guys tell me our name spelled ‘SUCKS?’”
“I tried to, but you ignored me” Skrawl explained.
“Okay, no problem, we can work this out” Glowface replied.
Evil message of doom, take two:
“Attention all of you. We, the members of a group with a cool name, have come with a message of doom and destruction. Surrender your world to us, or we shall…
BURRRRRP!
“Sorry about that” Cliff replied nervously “I guess those pizza bagels caught up with me.”
The other members groaned.
Evil message of doom, take three:
“Attention all of you. We, an awesome Syndicate of evil, who are not the Evil Syndicate, have come with a message of doom and destruction.” Just then, the camera fell down. “Umm, we meant to do that” Glowface continued “to display our awesome mental powers, which we will use to conquer you unless you surrender! They should buy that, right?”
Evil message of doom, take four:
“Man that thing is really stuck in here” Glowface said as he dug around in his nose. “Wait, were we filming? Son of a…”
Evil message of doom, take fifteen:
“Listen up, we’re going to conquer you putzes, so give up, or something” Glowface said, obviously tired, “cut, print, that’s a wrap.”
After filming their message of doom, the villains sat around their council table, bored as to what to do next.
“You guys want to just hassle the Rocket Power kids?” Skrawl asked.
“I dunno, then they’ll make us participate in a skate contest and I can’t wear a helmet” Glowface explained “plus my head isn’t exactly great for balance.”
“Well we have to do something evil” Kip explained “or we’ll never be taken seriously.”
“Wait, I’ve got it!” Glowface shouted “I’ve got a plan so evil, so diabolical, that it will put our little group on the map, and show those snooty Syndicate jerks what for!”
At an unknown location, a phone rang, and was picked up by a black gloved hand.
“Hello?”
“Yes, um, I was wondering if my friend was there. Mr. I.P Freely?”
“I don’t think there’s anyone here by that name” Professor Calamitous replied “but I’ll check. I say fellows, do any of you know I.P Freely?”
“Say what?” Crocker asked, surprised.
Over the other end of the line, Glowface and his pals giggled wildly.
“Sorry, I’m afraid there’s no one here by that name” Calamitous replied.
“How about, um…Ivana Tinkle.”
“No I don’t believe there’s…say, this isn’t Glowface, by any chance, is it?”
“Um… no, that is to say it’s…um…cheese it, he’s on to us!”
