Horatio Apple

From Pirate Bitch

Horatio Apple was the partner of Jamie Tuffield for several weeks. He was a strange, short man with a handlebar moustache and a Georgian demeanour, who cried aloud such phrases as "Hup-diddley-daffodil". He was seen for the first time locked in a cage when Jamie Tuffield's mansion appeared on the MTV show Cribs.

After a week of speculation, Heat magazine conducted an exclusive interview with Jamie, whereupon he told them that Horatio Apple was in fact his boyfriend. They were seen on various social outings together, including the infamous Zebby Awards when Sam 'Gregory' Weston, a popular chap, stole the award and consumed it.

Sadly, the relationship was abruptly ended when, whilst filming Jamie's Big Eat, Horatio ran away, whilst Jamie cried out "He's escaped!". Thirteen people were speared with Horatio's lance that he had concealed in his underwear, passing it off for a "large parsnip". Horatio was never seen again.

It later turned out Horatio was a man from the 17th Century who had accidently come back to the present day with Jamie, and expressed a desire to kill him so great that he was imprisoned in a cage, and that the whole relationship was just a scam to distract people from this inevitable truth. However, at this point nobody cared, because Nathan Page had just given birth to an elephant.