Sock Empire

From Egs Mayhem




In the early days of sock usage, their immense practical value as a means to prevent the freezing of the feet was more than enough to convince most people to start wearing socks. Unfortunately for humanity, these socks soon became a habit. They became somewhat fashionable, they grew longer, sliding slowly farther and farther up the leg. The peoples who invented socks in colder climates would continue to wear them even when they moved to warmer climes, and the 'fashion' spread. The Sock Empire was beginning to form. Down around our feet, where no one was looking, the socks started to plan. Through static discharge, they communcated amongst themselves. Slowly, painstakingly (for socks do not move hastily), they considered their position and thought out their futures. And then they began to act.

Environmental Opposition

Gradually, as a result of the socks' protective ability, the feet of those who wore them weakened. This was a slow process, gradual enough that few noticed it (and those few were widely ignored), but after less than three generations of sock use human feet had become soft and un-calloused. They became cold much faster when exposed to the air, and their flesh (now pallid and soft) seared faster when exposed to heat. Humankind began to lose the ability to march uphill for ten miles amidst sharp rocks and snow, and to walk over hot coals; these extremes were beyond the socks' ability to protect their now-helpless captives from. The socks could not spread into them.


To this end, the socks' leaders subtly influenced the minds of those who wore them, tickling their subconscious thoughts with seemingly insignificant bits of static electricity (which, by now, they could manipulate with ease) until, after years of slow plotting, the shoe was born. Carefully crafted to protect the now-nearly-helpless foot of humanity from ice and fire, but to cause painful blisters and welts to the un-socked foot, the shoe further reduced the ability of humanity to survive without the aid of "its" socks. With the aid of shoes, humans (and their "harmless" socks) were able to spread to every corner of the globe.


Fortunately, a few brave souls managed to realise the threat represented by socks. It was these people that invented the sandal, which protected weakened feet but allowed toes to breathe. These people feverishly worked against the Sock Empire, subtly influencing people to laugh at, and view as dorks, all those who wore socks with sandals. This has been recognised as the first major victory against the Sock Empire.


Methods of addiction

As their wearers spread (and built more and more socks to serve as soldiers for the Empire)socks learned ways to prevent their wearers from escaping their subtle parasitic control.

  • Weakening: By far the most succesful and most widespread of the socks' techniques, the weakening of the human foot has strengthened their hold upon the foot of the world immensely. As the foot becomes more and more sensitive to textural and temperature variations, it depends more and more upon socks for protection. Conversely, architects who wear socks (and constantly expose their minds to sock tampering) tend to build buildings with harder and colder floors, encouraging the usage of socks among any whose feet have been weakened enough to find them even slightly unpleasant. Except in the warmest and softest of environments, this leads to a spiral which makes it very difficult to break oneself of the habit of sock wearing.
  • Sweat: As one sweats inside a sock, one's sweat is trapped (unable to evaporate, as is its function) and slowly dampens the foot. This trapped sweat speeds the aforementioned weakening of the foot, causing it to become soft and pruny and causing its calluses to lose some of their hardness. The sweat also begins to fester in its confinement, producing an unpleasant odor which poors out when the foot is released from its prison; this negative reinforcement associated with the removal of foot-coverings has greatly aided in the socks' efforts to portray the naked foot as a "disgusting" body part rather than the noble, hardworking, aesthetically pleasing tool it really is.
  • Social Programming: Perhaps the most insidious and long-spanning of all the socks' efforts to further their master plan, the rapidly-spreading view that feet are ugly or smelly or indecent and need to be covered in the name of "modesty" or "professionalism" or for "safety" have been amazingly succesful. As the socks leech out the normal rugged beauty of a human foot, stewing it in its own juices until it becomes stunted and wrinkled and smells of filth, they subtly influence the human mind to place the blame for these states upon the foot rather than the objects which caused them. Humans, thus, begin to think of their feet as less important, and they devote less thought to them (making it far easier for the socks to plant their own agendas in the minds of their hosts).


Socks are inherently loyal to their species, and there are no recorded cases of a sock which has turned against the Sock Empire. Each sock strives to serve the Empire to its best ability, usually asigned a partner who has a seperate specialty. Socks' strengths are carefully matched to their targets' mental weaknesses and each pair of socks is assigned to a single human or human family with the goal of increasing the hold the Empire has upon the humans' subconscious minds. Each sock is assigned a role, and carries out that role until it is destroyed or reassigned, without question or remorse.


Simultaneously the best-kept and worst-kept secret of the Sock Empire is their method of promotion. If you notice that one of your socks has apparently vanished somewhere between the dryer and your sock drawer, you may wonder where it went but you will soon find yourself distracted by other worries and you'll forget all about it, and you won't pay much attention to the fact that what was once a pair of socks is now a single sock. You'll decide that you "lost it" somewhere, or you'll start wearing a different sock along with it, or you'll throw out the other one.

You have been the victim of one of the finest manipulators amongst the socks, a true master of subtle static-induced telepathic control. When a sock proves its worth through exemplary service and ability to the higher-ups of the Sock Empire, it is promoted (and sometimes re-dyed if the new assignment demands it). One of the reasons public officials spend so much time behind podiums is to prevent you from realizing that the Mayor or the Senator or the prosecuting attorney or the President is wearing the sock you "lost in the dryer" last Tuesday.

The Present Day

The Sock Empire has begun to invade every aspect of our lives. There are black socks for formal occasions and white socks for casual, short socks for jogging and long socks for the uniforms of stereotypical Catholic schoolgirls. People wear socks inside, even in warm environments, for little reason. Shinguards and odor eaters and foot creams have been invented (with a little help from the telepathic mechinations of the Sock Overlords, in the same manner as shoes) to further weaken the feet and legs of humanity. This widespread addiction to socks and their accoutrements is an important part of the grand scheme of the Sock Empire.

The idea of going sockless and shoeless has already become associated with indecency.Those who refuse to wear footgear are already being denied access to the world of business, to fine restaurants, to movie theaters, to the world of politics. They are being slowly forced out of any and all positions of power. Eventually, and the day is not far off now, all of the important decisions of the world will be made by those who wear socks. Their slow crusade to eliminate all those who oppose them in the name of "public health" is almost halfway complete, though it won't near its endgame for another century or two.

When That Day Comes

When the mass of humanity is finally weakened to the point of utter and total helplessness by centuries of sock-manipulated governance and sock-directed evolution, their final "Toasty-warm Comfy New World" will be made a reality. There will be no slaughter, no bloodshed, no massive political upheavals. There will be no sudden and dramatic aligning of crystals and downpouring of dark powers. Instead, the socks will continue to rule their unwitting victims, draining them of free thought and creativity until the only ideas they hold are ideas planted by their footgear. Humanity will have lost that divine spark which first made us walk out of our caves in our bare feet on the jagged rocks in the snow, to stare at the landscape and marvel at its cold majesty. In exchange, we will have gained the ability to slide like ice-skaters across our cold floors in the mornings, and a fervent desire not to walk on the grass lest it stain our socks green.

Alternative Theory

Could the socks be alien invaders? See here.

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