Y4H: Closing statements (4da)

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Revision as of 03:34, 9 June 2011

DA: As I told you back at the beginning, this is a case about the ultimate party pooper. And now you can see how true that is.

Mrs. and Mrs. Scratcher had two good friends over, for a night of fun and games. Fun and games! But then someone said, let's bring this man over - the ultimate party pooper. There are no fun and games when he gets through! They had a party, and he pooped all over it.

Just how he stole the tape, we don't know, and we don't care. You can see what this party pooper did. He wasn't content to take Mrs. Scratcher's prize possession, her tape. He took her toys as well, her golden balls. No others have shown up in this trial! Maybe he got his girlfriend to help. She's conveniently disappeared. It doesn't matter. Those balls were in his apartment, the party pooper's apartment. He's left holding the balls. He's the real thief here.

And we know why he did it, too. His company services a major dealer in stolen goods, the very kinds of goods he stole when he spoiled the party! He's not content with servicing the fence. He has to get his hands on the goods, the balls and all the rest of it, and gives that fence what he wants! It's probably in Bangkok by now. That's what this party pooper did.

Don't let the defendant, the ultimate party pooper, escape justice. Find him guilty, members of the jury.

Doc gets up, crinkling as he struts,

Doc: Yeah, well, what's all this talk about golden balls? That tells you nothing. You know what kind of woman Ovia Scratcher is. She's probably got two of every sex toy there is. What's two balls more or less? What's one porno in a collection her size? How does she know what's missing? To be frank, she's a ho. And if she is a ho, you must let him go!

And this guy Beane, he didn't say anything. Yeah, he's got a big dick, but so what? He was in there, and out of there, and making snacks, and locking it up, and he didn't see nothin'. Didn't know any way that porn could walk out of there unless someone stuck it up his butt with a sharp spur somewhere. And there aren't any cuts on any butts today.

And how about that dumb Joe Fozdyke character? He didn't tell you nothing. He knows about some big pornie fence off in the big city somewhere, and whee, the guy uses software. So his is all soft, so what? He uses Telethrust, so what? He sold a bunch of other stuff about other movies that have nothing to do with this case, so what? Joe looked in my client's apartment and found balls. Coulda been anyone's balls. He just assumes it's Ovia's balls. You can't assume his way into jail.

And so, not satisfied with this mountain of overwhelming evidence, the prosecution brings out old Phil. Phil 'er up! Phil 'er up with evidence! Phil can see everything but he doesn't see nothing. He's got a pretty big butt himself. Who knows what's gone in his butt? You didn't get to see. But you got to here his convenient story about my client just so keen to stick a spur up his own butt, but, but, but, but there's no evidence.

So then we come to the best part of the evidence - my client. What he says hangs together. And keep in mind, members of the jury, he showed you his butt! That's the important thing to remember. He was ready to show you his butt! His butt, members of the jury! He peeled it wide open right in front of you - and it wasn't hurt! No spur cuts in there!

And then the muses strike him, and he ends -

If she is a slut Who does her own mutt And he ain't got a cut Inside of his butt Then...uh, not guilty!

He sits down.

The DA waives her right to rebuttal argument. She seems to be stifling some kind of emotional reaction.

The judge gives the jury members a bunch of instructions. He tells them that if they find you guilty of larceny, they also have to make a finding as to whether the goods were worth over $500 (should be easy, you think, there wasn't any evidence on that). He also tells them that there's no bathroom in the jury room, so if they need a break, they need to knock on the door, so he can reopen court, declare a recess, and let them go and come back. There are no questions. Court closes, and the jury solemnly files back into their room.

You sink into your chair, your head in your hands, and try to think happy thoughts.

This story now moves to a place you can't see - the jury deliberation room.