User talk:Darky
From Create Your Own Story
Please make sure to include the title of the story as a category on each page you post. If you don't know how to add categories, please review the Tutorial, especially Basic page format.--Platypus 18:58, 2 March 2016 (UTC)
Sorry to bother you but why is the CYOA or CYOS in third-person point of view instead of second-person point of view? Also, Do you mind if I edit this as well? Just as help. Also, sorry for the later edits. (Time Travel.)-User:Fredhot16
Erm, I just saw your latest edit. Are you sure you want to keep the second option and not change it into something that doesn't sound like the reader had missed out a on lot? I mean, are you trying to say that NOTHING else might have happened that day? The whole day was a waste?-User:Fredhot16
So is it just a team of three or are there more that don't have names?-User:Fredhot16
Allow me to quote Linkara: "What the hell is this?...No, seriously. What in the hell is this thing?!" I mean, I thought this would a fun little CYOA about LARPers but the comments about the other guys wanting to have fun with the only girl nearby, the description of Kelly in the "Dan takes Kelly to the hideout" page, and the little note about how Dan would show no mercy...What the hell kind of story are you writing?! It sounds like it's about to take a turn into Adult CYOA territory! Why the hell are these people (Dan, Tim, Pete) such creeps!? Why doesn't anybody have a last name!? And what kind of game is this LARP supposed to be about, anyway? It involves barbarians and Capture the Flag? -User:Fredhot16
Also, apologies for the delay in editing. I had my own CYOA to set up and other work to do. -User:Fredhot16
Erm...well, at least we've turned away from the direction I thought it was going. Although the choices you've left in the "Dan starts the interrogation" tell me that this will soon go into Adult CYOS territory. Is any part of her clothes slipping down really all that necessary? Also, a feather? Why did he come with that? What the hell was he planning with that? Also, a little suggestion: a little prologue that establishes her relationship with her friends, how they set up the whole thing, her own personality, etc. You know, backstory. It'll help. And maybe more substantial description for the other characters. What, we get to know Kelly's cup sizes but not Paul's or Dan's? -User:Fredhot16 13:15, 28 March 2016
Ah, crap. You've already done it. And my fears were correct. Dan is a bastard. Just a simple question: why? Why does Dan need to be like this? Why the hell did he choose to join this LARP? Just...why? I genuinely want to know. Does it really have to go this way?-User:Fredhot16 13:15, 28 March 2016
Dirty Me's talk
I fixed some of the grammar on Kelly gets caught by Dan, but there is still a problem with the last sentence, and I am not sure how to fix. Please check Talk:Kelly gets caught by Dan for my feedback. --Dirty Me 02:41, 15 March 2016 (UTC)
I think the problem is, my writing style is very different, and my perspective is different. I am a girl, so I write from that perspective (Although aimed towards male readers), so my language and methods of description is different. I would worry I am changing too much of your content, that is why I just tried to fix some specific grammar issues and clarify a little, rather than rewriting it.--Dirty Me 08:22, 15 March 2016 (UTC)
Okay, I went through all the pages you contributed to and made some changes. I tried to only make grammar and cosmetic changes. Lots of things I can see that can be written better, but then it would be in my words, not yours. I left you one note on Talk:Cassie will help Dan that you will want to check, since I am not sure what you were trying to say. Of course, you can review my changes and reverse them if you do not feel they are what you want.--Dirty Me 08:48, 15 March 2016 (UTC)
Sooo...I have been trying to make the rounds to self-promote my The Exhibitionist story. lol, honestly, it is just because it seems we have very few users anymore, and I am trying to create a community driven story. Nothing complete, I just want others to add options for me. I will write the story to go with the option. So, are you willing to tell me how to expose myself? --Dirty Me 14:08, 18 March 2016 (UTC)
Well, you can go to the first page of The Exhibitionist and put the option exactly how you want. Just write it the way you would write the page link, and additional details, well, on my page or the talk page of The Exhibitionist. So guess now you just need to write the option for me ^.^--Dirty Me 03:10, 19 March 2016 (UTC)
Darky, I have started the option you selected. You should check it out and let me know what you think. I am not done with it yet, but hopefully will be today. --Dirty Me 09:05, 25 March 2016 (UTC)
Sure, more options are always better. Add as many as you want. Not that I will get to them immediately, but I will get to them. Sorry, I am almost done, just the final parts to go, but not quiet yet and it is bed time. I will try to conclude this part tomorrow. It has been a long part, with the way it needs to flow. lol, think it already has almost 5,000 words. --Dirty Me 17:41, 25 March 2016 (UTC)
Okay, finally finished. Don't forget to read all the way to the end. I have an interesting twist for you at the end. --Dirty Me 06:03, 26 March 2016 (UTC)
lol, just part of the story xD Not something literal. Of course the character wants to show herself off, but that doesn't mean she is always happy about it, especially when, like in your branch, it means being not only recorded, but also broadcast all over the internet and having her friend even see it. It is supposed to be discrete, not blatant. So she will react differently to doing something that is so obvious. Just the different mental thoughts. As for any punishments, well, not really that kind of a story, but you will notice there is room for more options at the end of the show. --Dirty Me 18:12, 26 March 2016 (UTC)
I have seen some potential ways to improve the story text, not change your path, but to add more descriptions, to your Kelly story. Would you like me to add? My writing tone can be different than yours, and I cannot promise I will change every page, that is why I wanted to check. --Dirty Me 13:32, 29 March 2016 (UTC)
Hmm, I didn't actually mean I would create a path. I honestly agree a bit with Fredhot. You put this in the mature category, then started making paths that had the only girl suddenly end up losing clothes. I am not sure this will be able to stay in the mature category if you go the way it seems you are going. What I actually meant was, I could try to help improve the actual story flow. Please check out my changes on Kelly goes to the camp and let me know what you think, and if you would like me to also modify others. And please note, if you want it to be an "adult" story, I don't care, that is up to you. But it means you will need to move it to the proper maturity area. --Dirty Me 09:29, 31 March 2016 (UTC)
The sad part is, I thought about expanding it alot more. I held myself back to try to prevent basically turning it into my story, rather than yours xD
