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Jacksoninthevalley is the great-great-grandnephew of Mahalia Jackson. He lives in a remote valley in West Virginia, because he has never been able to successfully live his ancestry down. Jackson has always wanted to be an, old, wise man. At the age of six, he began smoking a pipe. At the age of fifteen, he joined armed forces, and served with distinction as a desk clerk for General John Singlaub. Here, he met Todd Brendan Fahey, and the two young men discovered their love of trangendered Asian hookers together. Unlike Fahey, Jackson has shamelessly declared his undying love for his former Asian shemale lovers, frequently posting their pictures on the Speakeasy. Jackson is currently married to a woman of Mongol-German extraction. Rumor has it that she too is a lady-boy, but Jackon's Masonic Lodge connections are extensive enough to cover this up. Jackson enjoys drinking, posting and being his town's last surviving Ku Klux Klansman.

The Illustrious Ancestry of Andy Bernard Otis C. Jackson.


Senor Jackson Sr. meeting with Colonel Sanders and Ray Croc at the lodge in White Sulphur Springs where he met Jackson's mother. Which makes this geneology highly uncertain. One would be hard pressed to find a family tree with more legal records of paternity disputes. However, what would ordinarily be hopeless obscurity is dispelled by an equally astonishing circumstance: the extreme consaguinity that has characterized the Jackson clan. Indeed, so closely related are all his putative ancestors, that we can be quite certain of his descent from these Ilustrious personages.


This image, used as the Baphomet in the local lodge, is in fact the likeness of the famous Ivory Coast Warlord Tiglathpilesar C. Jackson. He was born of a pretended Englishmen who traced his ancestry to Pul, Ahab, Herod, Nero, and the founders of the Great Zimbabwe. His mother, a proud slave girl with an enormous lip-plate was the bastard daughter of a Madagascaran royal princess and a Cornish pirate.

Tiglathpilesar's father was a slaver, and brought the family to Virginia.

He was forced to flee to the hills however, because at the height of the English Civil war, the good burgesses of Virginia had no use for negro puritan agitators or their strange dealings with Hispaniolan convicts.

There the family remained in isolation, and there are very few records of marriages outside the family, except with some Croatoan (Croatian/indian hybrids) and escaped slaves.

Indeed, the ancestral home was immortalized in Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin:


This woman provided fresh white blood to the declining Jackson race. Harriet Beecher Stowe never came out of the closet, like many moralizing abolitionist women, she had a secret passion for Jewish southerners.

While working in the Underground Railroad, she happened to sojourn there with Sojourner Truth. Judah Benjamin, race mixing fanatic that he was, visited the Cabin,


He and Harriet had a child, a direct ancestor of Senor Jackson. In order to cover up this affair however, the Jackson family was entrusted with the child at the outbreak of the Civil War. Benjamin and Stowe's reputations were on the the line: they had the Jackson family rounded up and sent to Andersonville:


Wirz took pity on the family after the nearly mortal shock they received in undergoing "delousing."

He took the sisters Jemimah and Ida, and a Chinese slave girl (direct ancestor of Jackson's old girlfriend) as concubines. At the end of the civil war, when liberation came, they returned to their mountain home, finally with enough white blood to pass themselves off as the Scotch Irish Patriots they had always claimed to be to their incredulous neighbors.

Since then they established a flourishing coal-mining concern, contriving to cause landslides wherever colonies of Papists could be found. They made a fortune backing Colonel Sanders and Ray Croc, who may or may not be closely related to the current Jackson Patriach.


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