Crispin Glover

From Speakeasy

Crispin Hellion Glover

Crispin Glover was born on December 25, 0000 in Bethlehem, Israel. He later moved to Mongolia, which he conquered single-handedly, overthrowing the brutal dictatorship of Chaka Khan, daughter of Kublai Khan. He settled into a small village outside of Ulaan Bataar where he invented oatmeal, the Internet, furries, God, maxipads and the skateboard, but then decided to become an actor. To do this, he travelled through time to the 1980's using a Mongolian donkey caravan fitted with a flux capacitor.


This idea was subsequently stolen by Steven Spielberg and made into a movie called Back to the Future, in which Crispin Glover's evil twin Rubin portrayed him. Glover sued Spielberg for stealing his idea, and won $721 trillion dollars and the title Pharoah of Egypt, which includes legal rights to call Spielberg & friends for pyramid-building duties.

Despite this small setback, Crispin Glover went on to act in dozens of films, most of which are about fucking weirdos doing weird fucking things. After winning 644 Oscar awards in one night, Crispin Glover decided to stop acting for a while and start making his own films, most of which are achingly beautiful, silent portrayals the wretched lives of gay anteaters abused by porn actresses while trapped in Rosanne Barr's backyard as a poignant allegory of mankind's cruelty to one another. He won a special award for bringing sexy back in 2007.

Current whereabouts

It is thought Crispin Glover now lives in Northern Antarctica with a group of penguins who have accepted him as one of them and elected him their God. Some theorize he lives in Compton where he manages a liquor & bail bonds shop with his ho Shaniqua Laquifa Jackson. Still others postulate he lives on a pirate ship surrounded by hot, skanky broads. No one knows for sure.


  • The Lizard King (stolen from the ghost of Jim Morrison in 1978 after a brutal game of strip Monopoly)
  • King of the Echo People (as of 1991)
  • Maharajah of Bong Hits and Trippin Balls on LSD (1987-1993)

Crispin Glover Facts

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Crispin Glover.

Crispin Glover doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Crispin Glover.

Crispin Glover can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Crispin Glover gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Crispintatorship.

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