Neverending Virus

From Finsters Place For Made Up People The Tbs Wiki

[edit] Transcript

STRONG BAD: {singing} I got the email, you got the email, I got the email, you got the email.

{Pronounces "Ert plus: Why seven-six P? Ohlyuu eightguh—" then stops}

STRONG BAD: What is this? Did the quadratic formula explode? I see a "Strong ba" in there, but it's getting eaten... by some... Linux or something. Wait a minute! Is this one of those virus emails?! Like the kind that moms and offshore casinos send you?!? I'll take care of this!

{Strong Bad types "deleted!", but the screen flashes:}

{A red line of text appears reading "That didn't work."}

STRONG BAD: What?! I said deleted!!

{Strong Bad types it again, this time in capital italicized letters, but the screen flashes:}

{A red line of text appears reading "That neither."}

STRONG BAD: Oh, wise guy, eh? Maybe I should introduce you to my main man, Edgar!

{Strong Bad types in Edgarware.exe, bringing up the following text on-screen, along with a quick tune.}

{Strong Bad hits enter, and the screen switches to the following text}

STRONG BAD: All right, Edgar, now drop a train on 'em...

{The following text now appears on the screen:}

STRONG BAD: {alarmed} Waaugh! That is not a small number!! That is a big number!!! What'm I gonna do?!

{The following text now appears on the screen, accompanied by the Compy's startup beep:}

STRONG BAD: Computer over? Virus equals very yes?! That's not a good prize!

{The text on the Compy 386 screen melts off and slides onto the floor.}

STRONG BAD: Oooh!

{Strong Bad jumps out of the way. The camera zooms out to a view of the computer desk.}

STRONG BAD: And the Compy... just peed my carpet.

{The corner of the computer desk briefly flashes, showing an underlying gridwork to it, The No Loafing sign becomes the following pseudo-HTML code and falls off the wall.}

<head>
<href>No loafing!!</href>
</body>

{The Floppy Disk Container gets eaten by the computer desk. Strong Sad walks in, but his head is floating a foot to the left of where it should be and has been replaced by his emoticons from Strong Sad's Lament.}

STRONG SAD: {sounding annoyed} Strong Bad, what is going on?

STRONG BAD: WAH! I dunno! You forgot to wear your neck?

STRONG SAD: Have you been using the Internet irresponsibly?

{The top of a Main Page starts to creep into the top of the email, with the text "Stave it off, 1, 2, 3..." in the corner in place of the "What's new" text.}

STRONG BAD: No more irresponsibly than usual.

STRONG SAD: {His lower body starts walking away in place.} Did you get a virus?

STRONG BAD: {with guilt} Uhhh, noo...

STRONG SAD: Did you get four hundred thousand viruses?

STRONG BAD: {submissive} Yes... very yes!

STRONG SAD: Well, hurry up and do something about it before it gets worse!

{Strong Sad turns into a Strong Sad trading card and flies up and off the screen. The Main Page at the top of the screen creeps up and out of the email.}

STRONG BAD: {terrified} The Cheeeaaat!

{Strong Bad runs off the screen and into the black to the right of the computer desk, then stops.}

STRONG BAD: What the...? Whoa! {shivers} It's cold out here.

{Strong Bad tries to jump back into the room, but the room shifts left, causing him to still fall on blank space.}

STRONG BAD: Hey!

{Homestar Runner walks onscreen. His body is Old-Timey Homestar Runner's body, while the rest of him is normal. Instead of his legs moving, he just glides on. He leaves a motion trail behind him, producing several ghost images of himself.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Never fear, Strong Bad! I know how to fix your computer box. {He turns to the Compy.}

STRONG BAD: {stands up} No, no, don't touch that!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Your super box needs words. {His head falls off and onto the ground.} Like these right here! Gotta have this one {He picks up "downloads" from the bottom menu.} and this one {He picks up "games" from the bottom menu.} and this-a-this-a-this one. {He picks up "characters" from the bottom menu.}

STRONG BAD: {simultaneously} No, wait! Stop! That's not supposed to be possible!

{Suddenly, several pop-up windows appear one after the other (including a real one, unless popup blocking is used), titled "Click on the Monkey!!" They each feature oldschool Homestar who is saying "Making out with Marzipan is totally awesome!" Strong Bad starts screaming and pounds the side of the screen with his fists. Cut to Marzipan's living room. Strong Mad is standing nearby and Marzipan is standing next to a stack of VHS tapes.}

MARZIPAN: Well, I think it's fantastic, Strong Mad! That's the best stack of VHS tapes I've ever—

{Marzipan turns into an ASCII art rendering of herself, and her voice becomes extremely deep and distorted making her words unintelligible.}

STRONG MAD: I CAN'T SPELL YOU!

MARZIPAN: {more unintelligible gibberish}

{Strong Mad turns into a picture of himself from his Yearbook Character Page, which walks offscreen with Homsar's walking noise. Text appears at the top of the screen reading as follows.}

If anyone is truly a big lug, Strong Mad is. This guy is dumb
strong, and that's pretty much the definition of a lug. One ti
his brother Strong Bad asked him to pick up this one car. An
he did, but it was the wrong car. See? Dumb and strong. He'

{Cut to the King of Town's castle. The Poopsmith is standing with his shovel extended and some whatsit on the end of it, as the King of Town stands nearby.}

THE KING OF TOWN: A little to the left. {The Poopsmith extends the shovel toward the King.} Good, good...

{The scene suddenly changes to a Teen Girl Squad style piece of paper, with the text "issue 3.14159265and the rest" at the top. The Poopsmith is gone.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Ooh! Poopsmith?!

{The Ugly One appears out of nowhere with the rhino sound from "Strong Bad's RhinoFeeder", and her mouth is huge and distorted.}

THE UGLY ONE: I can do it! I can do it nine times!

{The Ugly One extends her arm and starts slapping the King of Town.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Uh! No! Please! Stop! I'm old! And fat! And rich! And cool!

{Cut to the Homestar Runner loading screen, and reveals a screen with the text "It's now safe to turn your computer off." The navbar disappears. Bubs walks on from the side of the screen. His mouth is a broken JPEG (with "TH" as the alt text), his legs are rendered in a fashion suitable for red/blue 3D-glasses, his midsection is missing, and he's carrying one of Homestar's legs in his left arm. His other arm is continually waving about, as seen on Dancin' Bubs. It is a bit larger than it should be}

BUBS: I shoulda done this, like, a million years ago.

{Cut to The Field, now a cloud scene. The Stick is gone. Strong Bad has one big foot instead of both legs, his black mark is too high, and his head and mouth are lopsided. The Cheat is floating around the screen, interchanging between different versions of himself. A pitch-black Rather Dashing and a colon fly by in the foreground. As Strong Bad talks, his left arm detaches from his body and flies off in random directions.}

STRONG BAD: {Using an old version of his voice} With Marzipan's radish, we're gonna win the competition...

SPONGEBOB NARRATOR: Meanwhile

(Scrat is enjoying his nuts, He types in more Stuff)

{Open in Strong Bad's computer room, coming in on a worried Strong Bad, while suspenseful music plays.}

STRONG BAD: My computer's been lappynapped!

{A record scratches and the screen dims, Marshie comes in from the bottom of the screen.}

MARSHIE: Hello, Kenneth!

{Marshie flies across a yellow background.}

MARSHIE: Hear me roar!

{Marshie growls for a moment, then opens his mouth wide, the background turns red, sound lines come out of his mouth, and he meows. Cut to a shot of the Sad Kids standing on top of Marshie.}

MARSHIE: That's right, kids!

{Silhouettes of the main characters scroll across the page, with big question marks over them. As he names the sweepstakes, the name appears on the screen.}

MARSHIE: Play the Fluffy Puff Marshmallows My Lappy Got Stole! Sweepstakes and win big!

{As Marshie says "big", he grows a large, fat, white body, and his voice deepens. Cut to a shot of a bicycle. Marshie's voice is back to normal.}

MARSHIE: First prize,—

{A shot of a metal detector}

MARSHIE: —second tries,—

{Marshie, in a car, driving along with mountains in the background}

MARSHIE: {singing} Take a trip to the mountains... {these words appear above the mountains, written on a musical staff}

{The screen dims and Marshie comes down from the top with a top hat and a cane.}

MARSHIE: I'm a song and dance man!

{Cut to a wooden desk, with a note card on it.}

MARSHIE: Just email who you think done it on a 3x5 note card,—

{"it was the HIPPO!" is written on the note card.}

MARSHIE: —stick a Fluffy Puff on each corner,—

{Four marshmallows appear, one stuck on each corner of the card. Cut to Marshie, talking through gritted teeth, in front of a portrait of an older woman.}

MARSHIE: —and just walk away, mother...

{Cut to Strong Bad's basement, looking at the ad on the TV. Marshie is next to a bag of Fluffy Puff Marshmallows.}

MARSHIE: Fluffy Puff Marshmallows. Yeah! Still!

{The words "Yeah! Still!" appear underneath Marshie. Cut to Strong Bad lying on the couch, surrounded by empty chip packets of various descriptions.}

STRONG BAD: You gotta be kidding me. Man, everybody's trying to make a buck or nine off my heart-drooping loss.

{He feels around in the nearest bag of chips, and finds that it's empty.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, perfect. Now I'm out of my antidepressant. Nothing dulls the pain quite like several dozen half-full bags of {as he lists the flavorings, symbols for them appear at the top of the screen} Italian-herb-chipotle-buffalo-ranch-guacamole-Thai-peanut-style chippety-chomps. I guess I'll slink off to Bubs' and refill my prescription. Slinnnk...

{Strong Bad somehow slides up and over the armrest of the couch, and off screen. Cut to Strong Bad at Bubs' Concession Stand. Bubs is nowhere to be seen.}

STRONG BAD: Bubs! Hello? Can I get a witness? Bubs? {looks around the stand, and screams}

{Pan to the side of the stand, we see the Lappy's power cord hanging off the roof. Tense music plays.}

STRONG BAD: The Lappy's tail! I'll save you, Lappy-pie... poo... {runs back and forth anxiously, making the Homsar walking noise} Just keep your pixels on. Strong Bad's got everything under control-alt-delete.

{Strong Bad picks up a ladder from behind the stand, and climbs up onto the roof.}

STRONG BAD: Who put you up here— Wha?!?

{The suspenseful music plays, and reveal the Lappy, with the broken Tandy and the shotgunned Compy. The Tandy is suspending a horseshoe magnet from a fishing rod above the Lappy's keyboard.}

STRONG BAD: It's my crappier and crappiest computers!

{Both old computers fizz and spark.}

STRONG BAD: Careful, guys, let's not do anything inappropriate with that magnet... I've got a lot of important text files on that 5 meg hard drive... Now just let the Lappy go, and we can all go out for hushpuppies. You guys still like hushpuppies, don't you?

{Both old computers fizz and spark a lot.}

STRONG BAD: Okay, fine. hushpuppies are out. For some reason I... I thought you guys liked hushpuppies.

{Both old computers keep fizzing and sparking. The Tandy also churns its floppy disk drive.}

STRONG BAD: Sorry, guys, we're getting nowhere. I don't speak extravagantly broken computer.

{The Paper comes down, reading "'Sup Strong Bad. I'll help with the translation."}

STRONG BAD: The Paper! You're just in time! Find out what they want!

{The Paper goes back up, and the Compy "talks" for a bit. The Paper comes back down with "They want to come out of retirement..."}

STRONG BAD: Retirement? They didn't retire, I threw them away. Ask them if they mean they want to come out of thrown-awayment.

{The Paper comes down again, reading "They're not laughing. They each want to check one last email."}

STRONG BAD: Are they joking? Those guys couldn't check an email with the help of sixty horses dressed up as IT professionals!

{The Tandy lowers the magnet a little, and the Lappy's screen turns on, showing:}

Oh, Child!
It's the Teal Screen
of Near Death! (TSoND)

(Scrat finds ohno and uses his upgrade lazer on her)

{The ground shakes as the table bounces and the dishes clatter.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa! {a second shake} What the—

{Cut to a long shot as the ground bounces a third time.}

STRONG BAD: Uh-oh. The King of Town must be getting a mega-physical.

{An enormous gray foot crashes down from the sky, destroying a section of the fence and sending everything flying.}

STRONG BAD: WHA!

THE CHEAT: {simultaneously} {very startled The Cheat noises}

{Japanese music plays as a pan upwards reveals the giant to be Bubs, dubbed "King Bubsgonzola Supreme".}

SINGERS: King Bubsgonzola! King- King Bubsgonzola, Supreme!

BUBS: {roars}

STRONG BAD: {terrified, as the camera zooms in} It's a giant Bubs from outer space! {the camera jumps back and starts zooming in again} Or... mutated by radiation! {the camera jumps back and starts zooming in yet again} Or... from the depths of the ocean! {the camera jumps back and starts zooming in one more time} Or... flushed down the toilet!

{Homestar appears a few feet from Bubs' giant foot.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh my crap! Bubs turned us all into ants! That fortune cookie knew what he was talking about! C'mon, everyone. Let's go steal a slice of chocolate cake from that picnic table over there.

{As Homestar is about to run, we wipe to a silhouette of Bubs as the background flashes orange with every crushing step as he stomps to The King of Town's castle. Japanese music is heard. Bubs roars.}

{Cut to The King of Town sitting at a table with a few bites taken out of it as the ceiling of the castle begins to fall.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Ooh! Whoo! What am I, getting my mega-physical?

{Transition to Marzipan and Strong Sad at a "Free Art Classes for Losers" seminar. Marzipan has painted a picture of a big apple and a tree, while Strong Sad has painted a yellow bar with the word "Death" on it. Asian music and Bubs' footsteps can be heard in the background.}

MARZIPAN: See? The apple's not giant. It's just in the foreground.

{Bubs' giant foot crashes away the sign and Strong Sad's painting as Strong Sad runs away screaming.}

BUBS: {Very slowly, almost incoherently} Chicken Wings!

MARZIPAN: {unfazed} See? Bubs' foot isn't giant. It's just in the foreground.

STRONG BAD: Ahh!! {Sees This screen}

58,901,123,456,789,423,928
Viruses Found!

A New Record!!

{What's Her Face's guitar suddenly turns into a shark.}

WHAT'S HER FACE: My bass feels seaworthy.

{The shark eats the entire upper half of What's Her Face in one JGHOWMP!}

WHAT'S HER FACE: OW! My most of me!!

SO AND SO: My autograph? Why sure!

{A huge multi-sided die lands on her from above.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: TWELVE SIDED DIED!! {without text} Oh, that's rough.

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